25/4/2012
Amateur Dramatics©
Episode 1: Silence Of The Cows
Created and Written by
Caden Hunt
1. INT: LOUNGE OF A STUDENT HOUSE - SWANSEA – MORNING.
A clean and tidy student house with everything in its place, the lounge is a standard size with two sofas a beanbag and a T.V as the centrepiece of the room.
Greg, the only man in the house is sitting on one of the sofas with a cup of tea in his hand looking at the script for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, as he flicks through the pages Anna walks in and sits on the other sofa opposite him with a can of beer in one hand and Romeo and Juliet in the other she also begins to flick through and read.
GREG (Looking at Anna surprised)
Bit too early for one of them isn't it?
ANNA (Confused)
One of what?
GREG (Pointing to the beer can)
Them
ANNA Now look here mush! Shakespeare always drank when writing his plays, so why can't I when reading them?
GREG You can but /
ANNA / Okay then so what's your problem?
GREG (Looking disgusted at Anna)
My problem Anna is that it's only five in the morning, and you are already getting yourself pissed. Also what the fuck gave you the idea that Shakespeare drank while writing his plays?
ANNA Well Greg, if you think about it real hard like, you'd have to be off your cowing face to write all that Art tho bull shit. Why couldn't Romeo just say, oi Mush why you banging my girl?
GREG Because Anna, if Romeo said that, it wouldn't be Shakespeare.
ANNA What would it be en clever shit?
GREG A very dramatic porno!
ANNA Aye that's not a bad idea that Greg. Groneo and Bangulet /
GREG (Spitting out his tea then pointing and shouting at Anna)
DON'T YOU EVER! Say that again.
ANNA Or What?
GREG Ill refuses to play Romeo, and without Romeo there is no show!
ANNA You're not Romeo!
GREG (surprised)
What?
ANNA You, are, not, Romeo
GREG (confused)
Then who the fuck am I?
ANNA (Laughing)
Look at the cast list in the very back, and then you'll see
GREG (Looking at the cast list)
What? What! Fuck! No, no, no, no, I will not. /
ANNA (Grinning)
/ Costumes upstairs and waiting. Grace will do your makeup while you're up there.
GREG (Getting up and walking towards the lounge door, then stopping and looking back at Anna in disgust.)
I'll get you for this you sheep shagging bitch
ANNA (Laughing)
I know you will. Now go upstairs you English basted, chop chop
OPENING CREDITS:
2. INT: KITCHEN OF A STUDENT HOUSE – SWANSEA – MORNING
Just like the lounge the kitchen is at a standard size and setting with a few worktops, a gas oven a fridge freezer and a microwave at the end of the room.
Rachel and Anna are in the kitchen leaning against the worktops talking about boys and the upcoming drama exam for Romeo and Juliet. Anna has now got only the script in her hand as she has now drank the can of beer.
RACHEL (To Anna)
What was Greg shouting about earlier?
ANNA I told him about, you know …
RACHEL Yeh, but what the fuck's he moaning about it for, I've got to do the exact same, just the other way round really.
ANNA I know right.
RACHEL What you think of that Jackson Taylor guy then?
ANNA Fucking lush!
RACHEL Ill second that.
ANNA (To Rachel)
What do you think of Greg then Rachel?
RACHEL Well us Americans do like our Brits.
ANNA So that means what?
RACHEL I'll have to think about it and get back to you later.
GRACE (From the lounge)
Were ready for you!
GREG (From the lounge)
No where fucking not, stay there!
(Suddenly Greg can be heard getting slapped by Grace)
SFX: SLAP IN THE FACE
OW, Okay, shit, where ready now!
RACHEL (To Anna)
We going in then?
ANNA Hell yeh, wouldn't miss this for the world!
RACHEL (Walking towards the kitchen door)
Let's go then.
ANNA (Looking around)
Wait! Before we do, where's the camera?
RACHEL (Showing the camera to Anna)
Right here babe
ANNA (Walking towards the kitchen door)
Okay Grace, where coming!
3. INT: LOUNGE OF A STUDENT HOUSE – SWANSEA – EARLY AFTERNOON
When ANNA and RACHEL walk into the lounge they are greeted by GREG who is wherein a really long ballroom dress, a long blond wig and Lady's makeup all over his face. Suddenly after a good look ANNA and RACHEL burst out laughing and taking pictures as they fall to the sofa behind them hysterical with laughter.
GREG (To Anna and Rachel)
What's so fucking funny?
ANNA (Pointing at Greg)
Have you seen yourself?
GREG Yes I have, your point being?
RACHEL You look like the world's worst transvestite.
GREG (Proud)
If that's what you both think then fuck you, coz quite frankly I'm very happy to be playing Juliet Capulet.
ANNA (Looking at Rachel then Greg)
I don't really know about a Transvestite Rachel, he looks more like a village buss!
GREG (Angrily)
How the fuck do I look like a village buss. I'll give you three valid reasons Anna why you're insult made no sense, one, I am a human being not a buss, two, People don't ride on top off me looking at my village
(Walking over to Rachel then looking at her)
Apart from you baby, you can park and ride anytime.
(Rachel is shocked by the comment, and stands up and slaps Greg in the face, then sits back down arms now crossed angry. Greg then stumbles back in shock holding his face.)
Ah, and thirdly if there was any part of me that resembled a village it would be located down here
(Pointing at his Privet parts blocked by the dress skirt, Anna and Rachel look confused along with Grace who is staring at him. After remembering that he is wherein a long dress, he grabs it by the bottom revealing some tight boxers.)
And I can't see pensioners and married couples making a day trip to look at that any time soon! Can you?
GRACE (Staring at Greg)
I can!
GREG (To Grace)
Thank you Grace. So anyway Anna, that's why and how your crap insult failed to piss me off.
ANNA (Laughing)
It means Slag you stupid prick!
GREG How the hell can calling someone a village buss mean … /
RACHEL (Serious)
/ Coz idiot, A village buss goes round and round, Am I right?
ANNA (Smiling)
Yes you're right, and for a Yank It's pretty impressive you know that!
RACHEL Arr thanks babe, but it was obvious really.
GREG (Embarrassed and letting the bottom of the skirt fall back to the floor, then looking at the girls)
I've acted like a class A twat haven't I?
ANNA Yes
RACHEL Yeh
GRACE No
GREG Thank you again Grace. But ladies I am now going to take what's left of my dignity up stairs.
RACHEL (To Grace)
Why has he still got his beard?
GRACE He wouldn't let me shave it off, you know we were up there for hours, Anna sent him up at five this morning and its now one in the afternoon.
ANNA Fair play, Thanks Grace
GREG (To all three of the ladies)
Now ladies I'm going to my room to wipe all this shit off my face, and remove this crap from my body.
(Turning to walk towards the Lounge door)
So I'll see you bitches later!
GREG (As Greg begins to walk towards the Lounge door he trips over his dress and falls flat on his face on the beanbag.)
FUCK!
RACHEL (To Anna)
I've decided now
ANNA (To Rachel)
Decided what?
RACHEL (Looking at Greg on the floor then back at Anna)
What I think of Greg
ANNA Oh go on?
RACHEL I think that he's a sexually frustrated twat!
ANNA (Laughs)
Ill second that.
TARA (Running in screaming)
What's all this shouting, and what have you done to my clean room? And why the fuck is Greg wherein a dress?
ANNA (To Tara)
We can explain Tara
TARA (Looking at Greg and the beanbag)
AND HOW IN GODS NAME HAS GREG GOT MAKEUP ON MY BEANBAG
GREG I can explain Tara
TARA No don't explain Greg, just wait there.
GREG (AS Tara walks off Greg turns his head so his neck now rests on the beanbag.)
Wonder where she bugged off to?
ANNA (To Greg)
I think you've really pissed her off Greg.
GREG Who the fuck cares, it was a accident and accidents ha /
/ Before Greg can finish what he was saying TARA pours the leftover food bucket (Slop bucket) over his face.
GREG (Wiping the leftovers of food of his face)
Ah my eyes! What the fuck Tara?
TARA Well Greg, if you want to live in a shit hole, keep it to yourself next time. And don't ever touch my beanbag.
RACHEL (Laughing at Greg)
Yeh Greg
TARA (Looking at Rachel)
I would shut it if I was you Rachel. I can always give you some of what Greg just had?
RACHEL I'm okay thanks Tara
TARA (Walking out the room)
I hope you have all learnt your lesson as to what happens if you fuck up my nice clean house.
ALL EXCEPT TARA Yes Tara
TARA (Entering the room again and throwing a wet sponge at Greg)
And clean this shit up Greg.
GREG But …
TARA (Giving Greg evils)
What?
GREG (Sighs)
Yes Tara
(As Tara leaves the room)
Fucking clean freak!
4. INT: GREGS ROOM – SWANSEA – EARLY EAVNING
GREG'S room is covered with movie posters from – "Star Wars" to "Sex In The City"; it is quite cluttered with cloths all over the floor and empty bottles on the shelves.
GREG is lying on his bed now in normal boy cloths, as he is lying there he begins to write in his diary.
GREG (Writing as he reads)
Dear Diary, some people must dream of living with five girls, who are not there sisters. But for me unfortunately it's a reality. Now you must be thinking how is it unfortunate, you must get sex every night, five nights a week, which for the record, I don't, and living with them is an absolute nightmare.
Like yesterday for example, they all went and got Vajazalz done, they said come and wait for us Greg. I happily said yes, not knowing that they had booked me in for a Pjazal as well. Which I don't really want to go into detail about, as it has already scared me for life.
Basically In short, I came to Swansea to follow my lifelong dream of becoming a world famous actor. But instead I have ended up becoming the Bitch of a group of bitches. At least I'm still following my acting in uni, and beyond that when I can. I've got to go now; Jennie will be cooking dinner shortly, so I better go and lay the table.
5. INT: STUDENT HOUSE DINING ROOM – SWANSEA – LATE EAVNING
The Dining room is quite unusual for a student house, as everything is in an order and in its place Due to TARA'S cleaning obsession. Round the large dining table there are eight chairs GREG sits at the top of the table and ANNA sits at the bottom, to GREGS left sits JENNIE and to his right sits GRACE and to ANNA'S left sits RACHEL and to her right sits TARA. The seats next to RACHEL and TARA are both empty. In front of each of them is a plate with what seems to be a roast beef diner.
GRACE (To Jennie)
Nice beef Jen, where you get it from?
JENNIE (To Grace)
A man down the pub sold it to me.
ANNA How much it cost?
JENNIE Only four quid!
RACHEL That's good, but how come it was so cheap?
JENNIE The guy just said he had rolled back his price on his beef as it was sourced locally.
GREG (Pulling out a shard of glass from his beef)
Ah!
JENNIE What's the matter Greg?
GREG (Showing the girls the shard of glass)
I don't think he rolled back on his beef Jen! I think he rolled on over it!
ANNA (Spitting out the food in her mouth)
SHIT!
TARA (Shocked and to ANNA)
My table!
GRACE (To the group)
Well at least it's still sourced locally
GREG (To Grace)
Of cores it is Grace, that is if by locally, you meant the fucking M6 Motorway!
ANNA (To Tara)
Sorry
GRACE I didn't know cows could drive now?
RACHEL you never knew, coz they never could in the first place!
GRACE (confused)
You've lost me guys
RACHEL (To Jennie)
Toys!
JENNIE (Grabbing a small box of toys out of a cupboard behind her.)
Already there, which ones we need?
RACHEL A car and a cow
JENNIE (Passing Rachel the toys)
There you go
RACHEL (To Jennie)
Thank you
(To Greg)
Fancy helping me with this one Greg?
GREG (To Rachel)
Yeh, What am I now?
RACHEL (Handing Greg the toy car)
You can be the car.
GREG (Grabbing the car off Rachel)
Okay, cool
RACHEL (To Grace)
Okay Grace, are you goanna watch me and Greg now?
GRACE (Watching Greg and Rachel)
Yes
RACHEL Promise?
GRACE Promise!
RACHEL (Moving the cow with her hands)
Okay good, now this is Milky the cow. One day Milky wanted to cross the road, to play with the cows on the other side of the road. But Milky didn't know about Greg and his new car speeding down as milky was crossing.
GRACE (In suspense)
Then what happened?
RACHEL (To Greg)
Greg?
GREG (Moving the toy car with his hands)
Now as Greg was speeding he didn't see Milky crossing the road and BANG!
(He crashes the car into the cow)
Milky was sent flying into Greg's car windscreen.
GRACE (Nearly crying)
Then what?
GREG The pub guy found Milky dead in the middle of the road, and decided to sell what was left of her to the first stupid bitch he saw, which just so happened to be Jennie.
JENNIE (To Greg)
HAY!
GRACE (Tears dripping from her eyes)
So where's Milky now?
GREG Right there in front of you
GRACE (Looking at the beef in front of her)
SFX: DRAMATIC HORROR MUSIC
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
RACHEL (To Grace)
So do you understand now Grace?
GRACE (Crying)
I think so
RACHEL Explain it to me then
GRACE Greg and his car murdered Milky
RACHEL Yeh! Close enough
GREG No!
GRACE I think my heart just broke
GREG I doubt it Grace, but you could of puncher'ed it, with the shit that was in that beef!
GRACE (Screaming at Greg)
Don't call Milky shit, you murderer!
GREG (Shocked)
What! I never /
/ Before GREG can finish his sentence GRACE jumps up out of her chair and storms out the room slamming the door. Similar to a young child would. Everybody left round the table just stares at GREG in disgust about what he said to GRACE.
GREG (Looking at all the girls looking at him.)
Well it's obvious from the baboon slapped ass looks, you guys are giving me at the moment that I'm not wanted down here right now. So I'm going off to bed, and I'll see you all tomorrow, when hopefully all this madness will off blown over.
GREG gets up from his chare at the table and walks towards the door where he turns the handle and leaves the room.
ANNA Fucking Bastard!
6. INT: GRACES BEDROOM – SWANSEA – MIDNIGHT
GRACES room is very different to GREGS as it has posters of animals and boy bands all over the walls.
As GRACE is asleep in her bedroom, the camera then pans into her digital clock which reads midnight. Once panned in it pans back out this time revealing a white light and RACHEL in a cow costume dressed up as Milky. But to GRACE and the audience it's Just Milky not RACHEL.
MILKY Grace!
GRACE (Scared)
Who are you?
MILKY It's me Milky!
GRACE (Waking up and seeing Milky)
Milky!
MILKY You have to save me
GRACE From what?
MILKY Greg!
GRACE Off cores I will, tell me what I must do?
MILKY Convert him!
GRACE Convert him into what?
MILKY A fucking Jedie, I don't know, use your imagination
SFX: LOUD FOOTSTEPS AND PSYCHOTIC MALE LAUGHTER
He's here!
GRACE (Worried)
Who Milky, Who?
MILKY Gregorvitch Todd!
GRACE Who's he?
MILKY The Demon Butcher Of Wine Street!
Suddenly GREG appears behind MILKY wherein a Sweeny Todd outfit, he then pulls out a Cut Throat Razor and holds it to MILKY'S neck while grinning at GRACE.
GREGORVITCH (To Milky)
How about a shave!
SFX: METAL SWISH THEN A BLLOD CURDALING MOO
GRACE (Screaming)
Milky NO!
The camera pans back into the clock as GRACE is screaming. Once it pans back out of the clock, GRACE is still screaming but MILKY and GREGORVITCH have disappeared.
GRACE (Looking around)
Milky (Pause) where are you?
MILKY V.O I'm fucking dead! Now go and avenge me already.
GRACE Okay!
GRACE gets out of bead and walks towards her door, she then notices a bag by the door which is labelled. "Just in case you have no imagination, Love Milky xxxx" Grace Picks up the bag then putts it over her shoulders then exits the room.
7. INT: GREGS ROOM – SWANSEA – THE NEXT MORNING
SFX: ALARM CLOCK
GREG first slams his right hand on the clock to turn the alarm off. After this the camera pans out to reveal GREGS Left arm cuffed to the top of the bead, as the camera pans out even more we see GREGS beard has been shaved off, only leaving a tash on his top lip and a T.V left on static in front of him.
GREG (Looking at his handcuffed arm)
What the fuck!
SFX: DOOR BELL
COWSAW V.O Hello Greg I want /
GREG / Hello
COWSAW V.O Hello! I want to play a /
GREG / Hello!
COWSAW V.O For fuck sake Greg! Stop with the Hello's and listen to me!
GREG Who are you?
COWSAW V.O I Greg, I am the human killer they call Cowsaw
GREG You have a colsaw?
COWSAW V.O Yes Greg I am Cowsaw
GREG You better get that shit checked out then bro. Coz with a Colsaw, it starts out on your face then before you know it you've got them all over your body.
COWSAW V.O No Greg I am Cowsaw!
GREG You like coleslaw? Man that stuff is fucking nasty. Who's idea even was it to combine carrot and Mayo together.
COWSAW V.O No Greg! I am COW
GREG Cow
COWSAW V.O Saw
GREG Saw (pause) so that makes you Cowsaw
COWSAW V.O Took you fucking long enough! Play the DVD in front of you!
GREG (looking at the DVDs in front of him)
Which one? I've got (pause) SAW 1, SAW 2, SAW 3, Sweeny Todd or a film called, play me
COWSAW V.O Insert play me and the game can begin
GREG Well I would if I could reach it! Who the fuck you think I am Mr Fantastic?
COWSAW V.O Why can't you reach it?
GREG I don't know, maybe coz some twat cuffed me to my bed!
COWSAW V.O Wait there a minuet
GREG Well I'm not going anywhere am I!
Suddenly the door to GREGS room opens and in walks GRACE wherein a sheep mask and a red hooded dressing gown (COWSAW), she grabs the DVD and inserts it into the static T.V, then she quickly goes to leave the room but before she goes GREG talks to her.
GREG (Looking at Cowsaw)
What the fuck are you?
COWSAW What?
GREG I thought your name was Cowsaw?
COWSAW It is!
GREG So what's with the sheep thing?
COWSAW As we are in Wales I thought it would be more appropriate.
GREG Liar!
COWSAW How do you know?
GREG I can tell
COWSAW Fine, it was all they had left in the costume shop; it was either this or a dog, which I thought me being a girl would be ironic.
GREG Dam right it would bitch! (Pause) so you are a girl?
COWSAW I've said too much already, sit back and enjoy your film.
GRACE presses play on the remote then leaves the room slamming the door behind her. The video is of a cow puppet, with red squiggles on the side of its face (Allot like the saw one)
COW PUPPET Hello Greg, I don't want to play a game with you
GREG Thank god for that!
COW PUPPET As you have already lost
GREG Oh
COW PUPPET As a punishment I have taken away your two favourite possessions to destroy in half an hour.
GREG (touching where his beard would be)
FUCKING BITCH!
COW PUPPET After me saying that you probably by now have noticed that your beard is gone. If you haven't then well, your beard is gone.
GREG No Shit, cozmy face now feels like its naked! (Pause) hang on, you just said I had half an hour, so your not making sense of your own rules.
COW PUPPET And Greg, if you just mentioned the half an hour thing. I changed my mind about that thirty minutes ago smart ass.
GREG Shit! (Pause) so what's the second possession you've taken from me? Is it the Car? Is it my pink furry dice? What is it!
COW PUPPET Not now Greg, wait and see, all will be reviled at mid day.
GREG looks at his clock it reads 11:55 he then begins to panic puling at the cuffs and screaming.
GREG Tell me! Tell me what they are! TELL ME!
COW PUPPET Shouting won't bring them back Greg
GREG Fucking tell me, you sick bitch!
COW PUPPET Yes Greg, I am sick, I'm sick of humans like you, thinking they can turn cows into sausages.
GREG Don't you mean into burgers?
COW PUPPET What?
GREG Sausages come from pigs and burgers come from cows
COW PUPPET And What happens if the meat's from a fast food restaurant?
GREG Then it's a whole different animal altogether!
COW PUPPET Anyway that doesn't matter, cuss its time Greg
GREG Time for what?
COW PUUPET (X Factor voice)
To face, the music! Sorry couldn't resist.
GREG Good timing
COW PUPPET Thank you, it was a bit risky but I thought, what the hell ill go for it.
GREG And it actually paid off too, I'm impressed. Anyway, where were we? (Pause) Ah that's right; TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE, TELL ME YOU / MUNTER!
/ SFX: SWEAR WORD BEEPS
COW PUPPET What the fuck man?
GREG What?
COW PUPPET I said to abuse me, not scar me for life.
GREG I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me.
COW PUPPET It's okay, you where in the moment, just don't do it again.
GREG Okay, Lets go again?
COW PUPPET Okay
GREG Ready?
COW PUPPET Ready!
GREG Three, two, one, action!
COW PUPPET Its time Greg
GREG Time for what?
COW PUPPET To see possession number two
GREGS T.V now shows a car ready to be crushed, Greg watches in horror, as COWSAW explains what is going to happen next.
COWSAW As you can see Greg, I have stolen your car, and crashed it into a school.
GREG What the fuck! There's no school here, all that's on screen (Pause) is my car in, a big crush machine, thing.
COWSAW Sorry, did I say school that happened hours before this (Pause) which reminds me, your due in court next week for attempted murder.
GREG (Shocked)
Attempted What?
COWSAW What did you expect Greg, that you'd just get a fine and walk?
GREG I tell you what I didn't expect
COWSAW What didn't you expect?
GREG I didn't expect to be fucking cuffed to my bed this morning, Buy a girl who calls herself COWSAW, who walks round wherein a Sheep mask coz she wouldn't know what a fucking cow looked like even if it sat there in front of her, and had a shit in her face!
COWSAW You forgot about the shaved beard and the car crushing!
GREG I know about the shaved beard and the Car crushing.
COWSAW And your pink dice?
GREG (Panicking)
What about my pink dice?
COWSAW It's in the car
GREG The car
COWSAW Yes
GREG My car
COWSAW Yes
GREG (Nervously)
My car, the car that's about to get crushed that car?
COWSAW (Sighs)
Yes!
GREG (Panicking)
FUCK, SHIT BALLS, COCK SUCKING BANANA BOMBS! What can I do to stop the crushing?
COWSAW Nothing
GREG What happens if I, If I (Pause) the hunger games, NO! I volunteer as tribute!
COWSAW What
GREG I volunteer as tribute!
COWSAW And what's that supposed to mean?
GREG Me and the dice trade places
COWSAW are you been serious, you want to get crushed and die instead of a stuffed dice?
GREG (Thinking)
Actually second thoughts, screw the dice, she cheated on me anyway. With that Russian bobal head from across the road.
COWSAW That wasn't the dice Greg, it was your ex girlfriend.
GREG (Sobbing)
Don't you think I know that! Gosh everything is so f up at the moment.
COWSAW I'm sorry Greg
GREG (Surprised)
You're sorry?
COWSAW Yes
GREG Really?
COWSAW No, just fucking with you its way past mid day so your car will be crushed in three, two, one GAME OVER.
GREGS T.V now shows GREGS car getting crushed by the crushing machine GREG Screams and pulls at the cuffs and squirms around in anger as he watches the horror unfold in front of him.
GREG Noooooooooooo! I'll kill you bitch, I'll kill you!
8. INT: GRACES BEAD ROOM – SWANSEA – MID AFTERNOON
GRACE is sitting on the bead on her own with a laptop balanced on her lap and a headset Mic around her head. Suddenly ANNA, RACHEL, TARA and JENNIE come rushing into the room using that order, when they see GRACE they all look at each other confused with what they are seeing and hearing.
ANNA (Confused)
Grace what you doing?
GRACE (No answer)
RACHEL (Confused)
Grace talk to us
GRACE (No answer)
TARA (Confused)
Grace, do you want me to clean your room for you?
GRACE No!
JENNIE So what you doing then Grace?
GRACE (Showing the girls the laptop)
Watching Greg cry
ANNA (Looking At the laptop then at Grace)
There's no one there Grace love
GRACE (Looking at the laptop confused)
But I was just watching him
RACHEL Well he's not there now
Suddenly the door to GRACES room burst open revealing a GREG wherein the GREGORVITCH TODD costume, he walks towards the girls with a knife in his hands laughing and smiling.
GREG Hears Gregory! (Pause) Cuff me to my bead will you, Crush my car will you, Shave my beard off will you.
ANNA (To Greg)
Are you okay but?
GREG (Pointing at GRACE)
Ask her!
RACHEL Grace, what have you done to Greg?
GRACE (Innocently)
I just wanted to avenge /
TARA / Avenge what?
GRACE Milky!
GREG (Waving his knife)
Milky was just a story Grace, but me, I'm for real!
GRACE Milky was not just a story! I met her, I spoke to her
JENNIE (confused)
Hang on, you met Milky and she told you to do this to Greg, by doing what sorry Greg?
GREG Cuffing me to my bead, crushing my car, shaving of my beard off, And murdering Martha my pink fury dice
JENNIE All that (Pause) hang on you named your fury dice?
GREG Yeh so, I was depressed all right!
RACHEL What you got to say to Greg then Grace?
GRACE But milky told me /
ANNA / Grace!
GRACE Sorry Greg
GREG (To Grace)
Oh no, we are beyond sorry now, that shit won't cut it anymore Grace, Ill only be happy once I have your blood on my blade.
TARA (To Greg)
Crazy Bastar /
Before TARA can finish what she was saying GREG stabs her in the heart, she collapses to the floor dead, he then lunges foreword catching JENNIE in the neck, and she also collapses to the floor dead.
RACHEL (To Greg)
What the … Greg leave now and I won't hurt you.
GREG (To Rachel)
BRING IT BITCH!
RACHEL (Kicking Greg to the floor and grabbing his knife)
They didn't call me Jill Valentine back home for nothing!
GREG (From Behind Rachel)
Are you sure it wasn't for nothing?
RACHEL (Surprised and looking at Greg)
But you
(Pointing at the floor)
Where just down th /
Before RACHEL can finish her sentence GREG grabs her round the neck snapping it. Rachel then collapses to the floor dead. While this is going on ANNA and GRACE have ran down stairs. Once GREG notices they are gone the hunt begins.
GREG (Walking down the stairs)
One, two Greg's coming for you. Three, four is he at your door. Five, six don't get a crucifix coz he's no vampire.
9. LOUNGE OF A STUDENT HOUSE – SWANSEA – LATE AFTERNOON
The lounge is how it was left before apart from the slop that had been thrown over GREG earlier has been cleaned up. ANNA and Grace cower and hide behind the sofa. When GREG walks into the room he begins to look around
GREG (Walking around the lounge)
Anna where are you? Anna, Anna, I won't hurt you Anna that I can promise, all I want is Grace, you hand her over and ill just walk away, so come out come out where ever you are.
ANNA (Coming out from behind the sofa)
I'm over here, let's finish this.
GREG Are you sure?
ANNA Yes
GREG (Dropping the knife)
Grace can wait, now I've got my chance to mess you up, the sheep shagging bitch that made my morning hell.
ANNA Come on then you English Bastard, HIT ME!
GREG (Pressing a button on the T.V remote)
Let's Play
SFX: HIT ME WITH YOURE RHYTHM STICK
ANNA Suddenly runs at GREG and punches him in the face, GREG then slaps ANNA in the face. They both look at each other locked in a state of battle.
ANNA (To Greg)
Was that supposed to hurt
GREG (Picking up a pillow of the sofa)
No but this will
ANNA What are you doing?
GREG (Throwing Anna a pillow)
Picking us a weapon
ANNA Yeh I can see that, but a pillow, are you serious?
GREG Deadly, serious
ANNA (Looking at the pillow)
Okay then, let's see what this baby can do!
They both run at each other one again and after ANNA hits GREG in the face with the pillow the choreographed pillow fight begins, eventually the room is filled with feathers falling like snow. Finally GREG wraps a pillow round ANNA'S head beginning to smother her once she brakes free GREG does it again but this time rams the knife through the pillow, just to make sure.
GREG (Removing his knife out the pillow and standing up)
And now Grace, I want to play a game with you
As GREG goes to walk towards the sofa GRACE is hiding behind a loud gunshot is herd, suddenly Greg collapses face first onto the beanbag dead. Standing behind where GREG was with a smoking gun is MILKY.
MILKY (Blowing her gun barrel)
That's a bingo!
GREG (To himself)I love that Inglorious Bastards line
(DIES)
GRACE (Coming out from behind the sofa)
Milky!
MILKY Grace!
GRACE You came back
MILKY A bit later than planned, but yeh I did
GRACE Are they all dead Milky?
MILKY Afraid so Kido!
GRACE (sobbing)
But it's all my fault
MILKY (Hugging Grace)
Hay, don't be like that, you did what you had to do, to convert Greg. Granted I was thinking more vegetarian than murdering basted, but what can you do about it now.
GRACE (Pulling away from the hug)
Can't you bring them back?
MILKY Well I would but /
GRACE / But what milky?
MILKY If I did bring them back, I would move from here in purgatory and onto the afterlife. I don't really want to do that.
GRACE If you do milky, you can live with me!
MILKY How?
GRACE (Pulling the cow toy out her pocket)
In this
MILKY I can't
GRACE Why not?
MILKY Coz I wasn't made in china
GRACE (Looking at the bottom of the cow)
It says made in Wales
MILKY (Excited)
Really! Well then that's a different story altogether.
GRACE (Happy)
Really!
MILKY Sorry Grace but I've got to go.
GRACE (Confused)
Go where milky?
MILKY To bring back your friends!
GRACE (clapping her hands)
Yay!
10. EXT: A SUNNY FIELD – THE AFTER LIFE – ANY TIME
GREG and RACHEL are performing a scene from Romeo and Juliet, GREG is now Romeo and Rachel is Juliet. While ANNA watches drinking a can beer. TARA and JENNIE are standing next to ANNA arguing about nothing.
JENNIE (To Tara)
I knew it would be Greg that killed us in the end.
TARA (To Jennie)
No you didn't
JENNIE Yes I did.
TARA Actually if you think about it Jennie, it was you and your shit beef that killed us in the end.
JENNIE Now that's not fair
TARA Yes It fucking is!
JENNIE How? Please explain yourself, Mr Sherlock
TARA If you hadn't of brought rode kill off a man who claimed he was a butcher from the pub. Then Greg wouldn't have found the shard of glass, and Grace wouldn't know about how a cow dies when it gets hit by a car.
JENNIE Okay (Pause) but was it my beef that stabbed us?
TARA (Sighs)
No
JENNIE Exactly what I thought, so screw you bitch!
Suddenly there is a flash of light and MILKY appears in the middle of the field. All the characters stare at her astonished and shocked.
MILKY (Shouting)
Are you Graces friends?
ANNA (Shouting back to Milky)
What if we are?
MILKY I'm here to take you back
RACHEL Back where?
MILKY Back To life off cores, ow and I owe Greg an apology, I'm sorry Greg, coz now I found out it wasn't you that ran me over after all.
GREG Who was it then?
MILKY The guy from the pub
GREG No shit!
MILKY (To everyone)
So before we go, I want you all to forgive Greg for what he did. So when he really dies he won't go to hell.
GREG (Shouting)
Sorry for killing you guys, can you ever forgive me?
ANNA Consider it done mate
RACHELL On one hand you brutally snapped my neck and on the other hand you fixed my acupuncture problem. So I (Pause) forgive you.
TARA As long as you didn't get blood on my beanbag I forgive you too.
JENNIE I suppose so, just never stab me again.
GREG (Smiles)
I'm not intending to.
MILKY Good, now all that's done, if you could all join me over here for the YMCA we can get back.
SFX: YMCA by "The Village People"
The group perform the YMCA by "The Village People" with MILKY leading the performance. As the dance is near to finishing they all suddenly disappear in a flash of light.
11. INT: STUDENT HOUSE DINING ROOM – SWANSEA – LATE EAVNING
The Dining room is quite unusual for a student house, as everything is in an order and in its place Due to TARA'S cleaning obsession. Round the large dining table there are eight chairs GREG sits at the top of the table and ANNA sits at the bottom, to GREGS left sits JENNIE and to his right sits GRACE and to ANNA'S left sits RACHEL and to her right sits TARA. The seats next to RACHEL and TARA are both empty. In front of each of them is an empty plate.
JENNIE (To the Gang)
So who's for some beef?
GREG Not me thanks
JENNIE (To Greg)
Why not?
GREG Coz I want to treat us all to a pizza
TARA What's the occasion?
GREG (Standing up)
No reason, I just don't fancy any beef
TARA Okay, what we having?
GREG Just gona grab my wallet from my room, and just get six Margareta's, I don't want anything with meat near me.
RACHEL Okay
GREG Okay, be right back
GREG walks towards the Dining room door and turns the handle, then exits; once he is gone the girls look at each other shocked and surprised.
12. INT: GREGS ROOM – SWANSEA – LATE EAVNING
GREG walks into his room and locates his wallet once he has grabbed it. He walks over to his mirror to check himself, but that's when he realises he has no facial hair.
GREG (Worried)
Oh No
(Shouting downstairs to the girls)
Guys, have you seen what's happened to my facial hair?
ANNA (Shouting upstairs)
Last time I saw it, it was on your face.
GREG No shit, hence the name facial hair!
DIRECTORS NOTE: The following convocation between GREG and ANNA is from the top of the stairs (GREG) and the bottom of the stairs (ANNA)
ANNA Have you checked your ass?
GREG Why?
ANNA Cause you talk enough shit! So it might of moved down there, to join with your second mouth.
GREG Oh ha ha, I'm been serious its actually gone
SFX: PHONE RINGING
ANNA Two secs Greg, the phones ringing
GREG Okay
ANNA Greg! There's a guy on the phone saying you owe him money, what shall I say?
GREG Tell him whatever it is he's selling to go and stick it up his ass.
ANNA He says He'll see you in court.
GREG You tell him /
ANNA Firstly Greg I'm not a bloody owl, and secondly he's gone.
GREG Who was it anyway?
ANNA Some guy who claimed he had crushed your car this morning.
GREG (Walking to his window)
Really, well I haven't moved my car all weekend, let alone asked some twat to crush, SHIT!
ANNA What's wrong?
GREG It's not there!
ANNA So that means what?
GREG We need to ring him back!
ANNA is now walking up the stairs with the phone to give GREG.
ANNA (Handing Greg the phone)
There you go
GREG (Grabbing the phone and deleing the number)
Thanks
(The guy answers, Greg talks on the phone)
Hello its Greg Hunter, yes, no I did want to keep my car, I don't care what I said this morning, well I care about that but, can't you do anything to help, you can recycle it into fridge's for Nigerian people, and that fucking helps me how, it's not your problem, yes it's your fucking problem, or it will be when I tell your supervisor, you are the supervisor, ah shit, okay and how much is it I owe you, five Grand! FIVE GRAND! What you doing filling the fridges with illegal firearms or something, No I don't want a fucking fridge, and I don't want to see you in court either, yes ill pay the money, Good bye!
GREG throws the phone to the ground then collapses onto his bed and begins to scream into a pillow "five grand" after repeating this four times he stops and stands up to look at ANNA who has been watching him.
ANNA Five grand ay? Could be worse!
GREG How could it?
ANNA (Leaving the room)
It could be me that owes the money.
GREG looks at the floor in depression, he then spots GRACES cow toy which is now MILKY, who winks at him, a confused GREG cautiously picks MILKY up, once he does MILKY winks at him again, suddenly GREG faints collapsing onto the floor.
FADE TO BLACK:
END CREDITS: