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Othello's Curse

She had been working up her courage since the idea came to her the night before and she had been close to turning around and leaving the hospital when Ernie saw her and called out to her. Because she liked Ernie and didn't want to be rude, she stopped and turned, making herself smile. She and Ernie exchanged pleasantries and then she asked Ernie if Trapper was available. Ernie said that he had finished his rounds and just returned to his office after giving a lecture to the interns on "bedside manner."

"You know how Trapper is—he can be so…benevolent, his eyes so kind. Well, some if these interns, they don't quite have the ability to encourage patients—they're so blunt."

"Yes, Trapper has kind eyes."

She thanked Ernie and started to leave but Ernie touched her arm. She turned.

"Tread carefully. He's been a bear since the reception last weekend. He's been biting people's heads off all week and it's gotten so bad the interns were hiding from him—and to be honest, so have I and all the other nurses."

"Oh. Thanks, Ernie." She headed for the stairs instead of the elevator; she was anxious and needed to expend some energy.

She hadn't spoken to Trapper since Saturday night. They had gone to an obligatory reception for the new surgeon at the hospital and Trapper who was Chief of Surgery would be expected to attend. If he hadn't, it would have been considered a professional snub and lack of confidence in the man's ability. She had accompanied Trapper because he had asked her but then she would go anywhere with him just to be in his company, to be able to see him and hear his voice and watch how he moved. But the reception had been as she feared it would be-dull. Trapper circulated among the other doctors and surgeons and she, not wanting to pathetically cling to his arm as he socialized, had picked up a glass of wine from a circulating waiter and basically watched the people in the room. While she sipped, a man approached and asked if she worked at the hospital because he had never seen her there-and if she did work there, he surely would have noticed someone as beautiful as she. She wasn't one to fall for false flattery but this time, she wanted company. Not only that, he was handsome and she did enjoy the attention so she smiled back, told him that no, she didn't work there, and they struck up a conversation.

She was glad not to be standing alone while everyone else was chatting and laughing, and once she started a conversation with him, he appeared interested in what she did and what she thought. Not only that, but he seemed to think she was clever and they laughed together. She glanced across the room and saw Trapper watching them intently. The man whose name was Jerry, told her that he was an oral and maxillofacial surgeon whose job at the hospital was mainly to repair people's mouths, cheek bones or jaws, usually after car accidents or falls in which their faces were shattered or their teeth were knocked out. And, he told her, she had beautiful facial structure. She had commented that she had never heard that line before and they both laughed and that was when Trapper walked up.

Trapper smiled but she recognized the smile as one he used when he was both annoyed and amused at the same time.

"Ferguson," he had said, addressing the other doctor, "so glad that you can entertain her while I'm busy. Thanks for babysitting, so to speak."

"Oh, "Jerry had said, "Are you two together? I never would have guessed. I mean you do look like you could be her father."

She held her breath; a waiter had once asked Trapper what his "daughter" would like and although Trapper had made no remark at the time and later laughed it off, she knew it had bothered him. She watched his face carefully.

"No, I'm not her father although I have had to discipline her—give her a paddling on occasion" Trapper smiled and glanced at her while Jerry looked back and forth at both of them-he couldn't decide if Trapper was serious or not nor what their relationship might entail.

"Pay no mind to him," she told Jerry. "He thinks he's being funny." She glared at Trapper and he only grinned and then left them. All the rest of the evening, she tried to resist searching the room for Trapper but she couldn't and she also couldn't catch him watching her and Jerry again. But she knew he was-she felt it and became more and more self-conscious.

Finally she excused herself and left Jerry to go to the ladies' room. She looked at herself in the bathroom mirror and reapplied her lipstick. She calmed herself, telling herself that even if Trapper was angry, it wasn't her fault—it was his for leaving her alone. What did he expect her to do? Just sit?

When she stepped into the main room, Trapper was waiting for her and firmly pulled her over to a corner.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"The hell you don't."

"Oh, you mean what do I think I'm doing by trying to find some way to pleasantly pass the time while I wait for this evening to end? Is that what you mean?"

"No. I mean, what the hell do you think you're doing by flirting with that "tooth doctor" right in front of me?"

"In front of you?" She gave a small laugh and tried to behave as if he was wrong but her heart starting pounding. She had never seen this expression on Trapper's face and it frightened her; she had gone too far. She knew that she should have moved on after Trapper had come over, knew that was the message he had given her but she chose to ignore it and this was the consequence. Trapper's jaw worked and she knew that he was trying to control himself.

"Yes. In front of me-in front of everyone, making me look like a damn fool. Here the woman I've brought is having a wonderful time with another man."

Her eyes met his and she felt her courage start to fail but she gathered herself and spat back, "All I'm doing is talking to Jerry-I'm not flirting and if you're so worried about it, why did you abandon me as soon as we arrived? I have nothing in common with all these surgeons except for Gonzo and he's not even here."

Trapper looked at her and then looked away and said quietly, "Just stop. I'm telling you to stop it—asking you." And without looking at her again, he walked away.

Trapper and she left soon after and rode in silence until they were only about fifteen minutes from her house and it was then that she decided to broach the subject.

"Why are you angry? I just talked to another man. I didn't do anything wrong." She turned to look at Trapper and could tell by his posture and profile, the set of his chin, that he was furious.

Trapper turned to look at her and she wished, since the look he gave her chilled her, that she had just kept her mouth shut. But she wanted to feel righteous; she wanted to feel that she had done nothing wrong but she knew that she had, that she had embarrassed him in some way that only men understand. He didn't answer her, just looked back at the road ahead. When he pulled into her driveway, he walked around to open her car door, silently escorted her to the front door where he quietly said goodnight, turned and left; he hadn't even kissed her. She stood and watched him drive away.

And she hadn't heard from him since-no call, no voicemail, no email-nothing but silence. She decided that she would go to his office during her long break between classes and get things straightened out. Even if he was through with her, she wanted to know. As it was, her senses were constantly on edge, hoping to hear her cell phone ring or to arrive home and find a message from him blinking on her answering machine-but there was nothing—just a yawning emptiness.

She knocked on his partially opened door and heard his voice-his beautiful, deep voice call out for her to come in. She walked in and he looked up and saw her. She stopped in front of his desk and he pulled off his glasses and stood up.

"Well," he said, "what are you doing here? Did you make the long trip just to see me."

"Actually, I did. May I sit down?" She motioned to one of the two chairs facing his desk. He nodded and she sat, noticing the distance from the chair to his desk as it sat as a barrier between them. She wondered how many people had sat in those chairs and heard bad news from Trapper and she wondered how his voice was when he told them-sympathetic, she was sure, but not full of pity. Trapper rarely gave out pity but she wondered if she was going to hear bad news from him and if he would pity her.

He leaned on his elbows on his desk, his palms clasped. "Go ahead. You came to see me so..." He waited.

"Now I feel silly," she said, looking down. "But basically, I want to know if we're through." She waited for his reaction but he sat still with a stony expression. "I asked you once if, when you were tired of me, you would tell me, not just stop calling. I want to know so that I don't have to wonder and I would really like it if you would just tell me. So are you through with me?" Now that she had said it she felt overwhelming sadness and she put all her efforts into controlling her quivering lip and chin. She didn't want to cry in front of him.

Suddenly, his shoulders slumped and he sat back in his chair and ran a hand over his mouth and beard. "I'll never be through with you-you're so deep inside me that I don't think I could ever "pluck you out' no matter how much you 'offended' me. But I swear, I've never felt this way before in my whole life and I sure as hell don't like it."

"What do you mean?"

Trapper stood up and she followed him with her eyes as he began to pace. "I've never understood jealousy, never felt it like this before and I don't know how to handle it."

"You've never been jealous?" she asked incredulously.

He turned and looked at her. "Oh, I've felt twinges of jealousy, occasional resentments. When Melanie and I first divorced, I felt jealous when she started seeing other men but not anything like what I felt at that reception when you were talking to Ferguson." He bent closer to her. "You were laughing with him-he made you laugh. I'd rather he had taken you against the wall in front of everyone rather than make you laugh, make you delighted to be in his company."

Her mouth opened slightly; she had thought he was upset about the "father" comment but it was more. He turned and stood with his back toward her.

"You know, I never could understand how Othello could have suffocated Desdemona, taken the life of the woman he adored so much but I can understand it now. Now I can understand the rage, the blind anger of jealousy-nothing in hell could be worse torment than that. I couldn't even think clearly, I was just so enraged-I just wanted to snap your neck." He turned to face her and saw her sitting there looking at him as if she was afraid. But he could understand it because he was afraid at the emotions that ran through him as well. He could now understand how people could be changed by jealousy and why they could destroy the person they loved the most. He could understand but he hoped that he would never give in to it.

"I needed some distance," Trapper said, "because I needed to put things into perspective, my feelings for you and yours for me. Do you still love me after this week? After I basically deserted you for days. Do you still love me knowing that I can be so changed by jealousy?"

She sat quietly for a moment and noticed the sound of a clock on the wall ticking off the seconds. "I can't help but love you," she barely managed to say.

Trapper pulled her up out of her chair and held her next to him and with his lips buried in her hair, murmured that he loved her-loved her and hated her at the same time because he loved so profoundly that she could destroy him and disrupt his life so much that he didn't enjoy living it. He no longer had the serenity he once had known after Melanie no longer meant much to him and before he had met her. And then he kissed her and she felt the urgency behind his kiss, the desire that rose within him and she threw her arms around his neck and matched his passion with her own.

And he felt a calmness come over him in the knowledge that she loved him but he still had the fear that one day she would turn and see someone else whom she desired more and then, he knew that he wouldn't be able to bear it. But that wasn't yet and so he would delight in today.

~Finis~