Jemily Jukebox Chapter 1: Do I Wanna KnowNeed You Now, a criminal minds fanfic

"Do I Wanna Know" by Arctic Monkeys and "Need You Now" by Lady Antebellum. No Henry AU. T rating for alcohol use and brief language. 1 669 words.

The night before Emily was left alone in Paris was night that was forever burned into her memory. It had started on the plane; no, it had started before that. It had started the day Emily met JJ. It crescendoed to what she acknowledged was always an inevitable peak on a simple confession from JJ the night before she got Emily's new IDs and bank accounts:

'You coded on the table, Emily.' She'd said, her trembling hands twisting anxiously around each other as she sat on the bed across from the brunette's. 'I…I don't know what I would have done if you had…' she'd shaken her head and took a shaky breath like she couldn't possibly bear to finish her thought. 'God, I can't ever find out what living in a world without you is like, Em. I can't.' she shook her head again as if dislodging a painful memory before looking up at Emily with wide, watery eyes. 'I don't want to leave you.'

'You have to, it's the only way to keep you safe.'

JJ'd clenched her hands into fists. 'I can't do this Emily. I can't. I was—we were so close to losing you and I can't just…' she trailed off and flung her hands up in a helpless gesture. 'I'm not strong enough to lose you Emily.'

Emily had slid off her bed to kneel down in front of JJ who had gone back to mindlessly wringing her hands, tears flowing silently down her cheeks and the next thing she knew, they were kissing like experienced lovers who knew their way around each other.

Emily drained the last of her wine and put her empty glass on the coffee table, settling back against the cushions of her couch. She always got like this when she was drinking—always replayed that moment and the glorious hours that followed. Always tried to stop the tape in her mind from going as far as the conversation about 'I want to but we can't. We shouldn't.' after that. But it always came unbidden, she couldn't stop it and it would sink her into melancholy.

"No," Emily groaned, flinging an arm over her eyes like that would protect her against the waves of forlorn pensiveness that were gathering strength to crash into her. "Not yet." She mumbled, her face flushed with the wine she'd consumed and the memories she'd been replaying.

She'd never told JJ she loved her, had always loved her, and she'd be damned if she'd tell her she loved her still. JJ was with Will. That's why they couldn't. That's why they shouldn't. That night was just desperation. Desperation to not be separated again. Desperation to verify that Emily was alive and (more or less) whole. Desperation to feel something. They'd kept in contact through games of Scrabble, which they weren't supposed to, it was dangerous, but neither of them was willing to give up all contact altogether and they were so careful. Sometimes JJ would play words that weren't strategically helpful for points. Always words like longing, miss, heart, love and Emily's heart would always thud painfully in her chest while her mind told her not to believe that JJ was trying to tell her something.

When she'd come back and JJ was still with Will it was confirmation that JJ hadn't been trying to say something. Funny, Emily would have thought maybe things would be strained between them because of Will but it seemed like the opposite happened. When she got back, JJ had clung to her like she hadn't known she'd been alive the whole time, JJ had immediately made her feel welcomed back into the team, JJ sent her ten texts a day about nothing just because she could now. But JJ was with Will. Emily didn't know why, there was something always off about that relationship and she figured a lot of it had to do with her feelings towards the blonde and her annoyance with herself that she'd basically given JJ the green light to pursue him. What if she'd just told her the truth? What if she hadn't tried to test things by pushing JJ towards Will?

What if she had just been honest?

Emily sighed and reached blindly over to the coffee table and picked up her phone, lifting the arm over her eyes slightly so she could see the screen. She shouldn't give in to the desire to phone JJ every time she'd had a few drinks, but this was a ritual she was familiar with and she engaged the call once she scrolled down to JJ's name without thinking about it.

It rang once before it went to voicemail.

"You've reached Agent Jennifer Jareau of the BAU. I'm unable to take your call right now but if you leave your name, number, and a detailed message I'll get back to you at my earliest available opportunity."

Emily cleared her throat.

Beep.

"JJ…" Emily squinted at her wristwatch. "I know you're awake since you screened the call…I don't know why I'm calling to tell you the truth but…it's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk, and I need you now." Emily shook her head and almost laughed at herself.

"To review your message press one, to delete your message and rerecord, press two."

She hit the number two.

Emily hung up and rolled her eyes at herself, ignoring that her vision was blurry with tears and not from the alcohol. She was being ridiculous, she knew. Things like this never kept JJ up at night. Emily never meant so much to her that the second a little alcohol made the slightest tear in her better judgment, JJ had to fight herself from getting a hold of her and tell her. Tell her everything. They were just friends and they would only ever be just friends and god, Emily was so thankful for that that it seemed almost disrespectful how much she pined for the blonde. Maybe in another life, but JJ was with Will.

That didn't stop Emily's thumb from hovering over JJ's name in her phone though. It didn't stop that thumb from shaking slightly with the effort she was making not to engage the call again. She could come up with something, some flimsy excuse to talk to her, just to hear her voice. That's all Emily wanted, just to hear JJ's voice say her name.

God did she ever have it bad.

"Fuck" Emily exclaimed, moving her traitorous thumb to the other side of the phone so she could hold it in a vice like grip. She had to stop doing this to herself. It wasn't JJ's fault. If she had known Emily's feelings she would have never allowed that night to happen knowing what it would mean to the brunette.

She frowned at the phone still clutched in her fist and drew her arm back to fling the damn thing away from her and her low impulse control when it started ringing. Glancing at the screen, she saw JJ's name along with her picture and taking a deep breath she hit the button to answer the call.

"JJ?"

"Emily, hi." She sounded anxious. "I hope I'm not calling too late but I figured you were up since you just called a minute ago."

"Yeah, sorry, I—"

"I left Will." JJ blurted like if she didn't say it she was never going to.

Emily shook her head, unsure if she'd heard correctly. "What?" she asked dumbly, sitting up and rubbing at her bleary eyes. "You left Will?"

"Yeah," JJ let out a relieved, nervous laugh.

"Why?" Emily couldn't figure out what else to say, her mind was chanting 'JJ's not with Will' like a hopeful mantra. But why would JJ need to call her at, she glanced at her watch again, one-thirty in the morning to tell her she'd left Will? Unless… "What did he do?" she ground out, almost a growl. JJ's genuine laughter on the other end of the line unloosened Emily's tenseness immediately and she smiled even though JJ couldn't see her.

"Well…" JJ took a shaky breath. "You probably don't ever think about it, but do you remember that night in Paris?" she didn't wait for Emily to answer. "I don't want you to think I'm asking for anything, Emily but I—that night meant more to me than I ever let on. I'm not a cheater Emily, I swear I'm not, but I didn't think about Will at all and it hit me a long time ago that I don't love him. I can't when you're around. I was fooling myself because Will was so easy…because I wasn't scared of the emotions I had for him but I've been too busy being yours to fall for anyone new. I'm sorry Em, I should have told you before we—before anything happened. I know that it didn't mean the same thing to you that it meant to me and that's okay I just needed you to—"

"I love you, Jennifer." Emily said; interrupting JJ in the same tone of voice she had used to say she broke up with Will.

"I know, Em, but you're not 'in love' with me, I told you, it's okay I just—"

"No that's it." Emily clarified, her voice a little more forceful. "There is no but. I love you, I'm in love with you. I've loved you for so long I don't remember what it's like not to love you, not to want you."

"Oh thank god." JJ breathed before sucking in a sharp breath. "Are…are you home right now?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Can I…would it be okay if I came over?"

"Please."

"I'll be there in half an hour. Wait for me."

"Always."