Happy birthday to me.
After Colin the Second, before Colin becames a dick.
--
Colin was the first out of the classroom, and it had nothing to do with his hatred for the class. He was looking for Ephram. He scanned the halls again looking for him, making several stops by his locker, but he wasn't there. He knew that Ephram started to skip classes and go off wondering, but to miss a whole day was weird, even for him.
Colin was worried about Ephram. He hadn't known him as long as Amy or Bright, but he knew something was definitely wrong. He'd asked them about it, but they didn't notice anything wrong. To them Ephram was always like that, he was always moody and depressed and generally a pain to be around.
He's been around Ephram long enough to know that this was not him. Contrary to Bright's suggestion, he is not having PMS. It was true that Ephram was always grumpy, especially when he was around Amy or Bright. But when they were alone, there is a whole new side to Ephram.
He was still sarcastic and moody, but he was defiantly chipper when they were by themselves. The change in his disposition was unmistakable. His eyes lifted up a bit more, his lips curled slightly in a smile and his whole body seemed less tense. If he didn't know better, he would have thought he was happy. Ephram was always so light hearted around him, making funny, though still sarcastic, remarks, and he made Colin feel good about himself.
Unlike everyone else Ephram seemed more worried about him. Not the old Colin, the current Colin. Ephram didn't treat him like an imbecile, or a retard, he treated him like a human being. He treated him as an equal.
He was the only one. Everyone else had this weird perception of him, with their expectations and their memories. Ephram wasn't like that. He didn't care about his past; he didn't care what he was supposed to be. All he cared about was him right now. Even if Ephram did know him before the accident, he was fairly certain that he wouldn't have treated him like how everyone else did.
Ever since the accident, he was unsure about every move he took. Was this something that the old Colin would do? Or was it a completely new second Colin? He learned to trust his gut feelings. It was all he had left; he didn't have memories of past experiences to guide him. He just had to trust his feelings and instincts. And every fiber in his being knew that Ephram would still be there for him no matter what.
So now his gut was telling me something was wrong with Ephram. Regardless of what Amy and Bright said, something was up with him, and he owed it to Ephram to help him, like how he helped Colin.
Colin jumped into Bright's red truck and quickly drove off towards home. Bright was humming along with the radio while Amy tried to make small talk with him, leaning on his shoulder telling him about her day. His mind was currently occupied; worried about the only true friend he, Colin the second, had in this town.
"So you wanna go to the movies tonight?" Amy batted her eyelashes and attempted to make her puppy dog eyes.
"No. I've got some things I gotta do." Looking at Bright, Colin rolled his eyes slightly watching Bright make an obscene gesture on the steering wheel.
"Whatcha doing?" She reached out and stroked his sling; she had a habit of doing that now, as if working her magic to make his arm heal faster.
"I got some stuff I gotta do. For rehab. Tomorrow?" Colin gave Amy a sheepish smile.
"Sure." She leaned in close and he gave her a quick hug and a kiss on the top of her head.
"Alright dude, end of the line." Bright smiled as he skidded to a halt in front of Colin's driveway.
"Later dude" using his good hand he gave a quick punch to Bright's shoulder. "Bye." He leaned in and gave Amy another kiss before he stepped out of the truck.
He didn't watch as Bright screeched the tires driving off in a blaze, he quickly strolled up to into his house and up the stairs to his room. Dropping his bag at his door, he awkwardly threw his jacket onto his bed before rushing to the phone.
Using his thumb he hit 'E' on speed dial, and listened to the quick tones of the phone. He plopped down at his desk and logged on his computer while listening to the constant ringing of the phone.
"Hi."
"Is Ephram there?
". you've reached the Brown's; we're not here right now. If it's a medical emergency you can reach Andy at 742-3582, otherwise leave a message at the Beeeeeeep."
"Fuck" Colin muttered under his breath, where was he? He glanced down on the on his task bar: 4:02 PM. Colin sighed, he had to be home. It was four, and he knew that Ephram wouldn't miss Justice League. It wasn't his standard Anime but he knew he watched the show religiously. He wouldn't leave till after it was over.
Awkwardly he used his left hand and opened up AOL messenger and scanned the names, he stopped at and his heart sank a bit as he saw E-Flat was offline. Hoping for the best he opened up a window and started to type with his one hand.
[newhart2002] Hey E u there?
[newhart2002] dude, I know you're there.
[newhart2002] you're always there
[newhart2002] you're watching JL.
[newhart2002] dude.
[E-Flat] wha?
His heart fluttered a bit when he saw that he was in fact online and invisible. He thanked his luck and picked up the phone and redialed Ephram.
[newhart2002] pick up.
[E-Flat] Pcik up what/?
[newhart2002] the phone dumbass.
He listened to the phone ring and the answering machine picked up again. Colin sighed again and hung up the phone.
[newhart2002] why won't you pick up? [E-Flat]I dn't want to.
[newhart20002] why not?
[E-Flat] lave mea lone.
[newhart2002] have you been drinking?
[E-Flat] godo bye.
Grabbing the phone again he quickly redialed Ephram's number. Instead of getting the answering machine, he only got a busy tone.
"Fucker" Colin threw down the phone in disgust.
--
Ephram took a long sip from his bottle of Jack Daniels feeling the fire burn in his throat. He reached over to pick up the remote, knocking several beer bottles on his desk in the process. Studying the remote he was slowly was able to find the volume control and proceeded to increase the volume trying to drown Colin out. He watched as Batman kicked some random villain's ass, he knew the name of him, but in his state he could remember and didn't care, he just grabbed the bottle and took another sip.
Briinnnng
He sighed, he knew he could just shut off the computer, or set Colin on ignore, but for some reason, even in his state, he couldn't. He slowly turned and focused back on his monitor.
[newhart2002] you started drinking again didn't you?
[newhart2002] dude why?
[newhart2002] how long have you been drinking?
[newhart2002] I haven't seen to you all day. Have you been drinking all day?
[newhart2002] DUDE TALK TO ME.
[E-Flat] I jsut want to take the edge of.
[newhart2002] drinking is not the answer.
[E-Flat] YOUR ONE TO TALK.
Ephram regretted the message instantly after he sent it. He knew Colin had drinking problems, and throwing it back in his face a horrible thing to do. His heart broke even further as the ramification started to set in. He stared at the screen dreading Colin's response.
[newhart2002] .
[newhart2002] we're not talking about me, we're talking about you.
[newhart2002] what the fuck is going on with you? and don't give me any bullshit 'I'm okay' crap. Cause you're not. I know something is wrong. Other people might not see it but *I* do. Your attitude, your body language, your sudden disregard for your own safety, I notice it. I know I haven't known you that long, but I see your fake facade that you're putting up for everyone. I might not have my memories or all use of all my limbs, but I'm not stupid. I see things. I see you and Amy; I know there was something between you. But you know what? I don't care. What I care about right now is you.
[newhart2002]I've seen you going down hill for days, and it started really hitting home yesterday. You were NOT yourself. Asking for booze for one thing, I thought you were trying to loosen up or something, but looking back that's not you. You don't drink; you don't even like the taste. You've told me that, you're drinking for all the wrong reasons. Drinking is NOT an answer.
[newhart2002] Talk to me. Trust me. You've been there for me for so long, and I don't think you even understand how important it was to have you here while I was trying to get my life back in order. I wouldn't be the person I am right now. I'd still be using lists, and destroying myself, but you saw that. You saw me. You saved me.
[newhart2002] And now I want to save you. Let me save you Ephram.
[newhart2002] Please.
Ephram felt tears rolling down his eyes as he read Colin's messages, his already battered heart shattered in his chest. He knew Colin was a good guy and he did truly care about him, but to have him . worry about him so much. It just broke Ephram.
His hands quivered as they were poised above the keyboard. Reaching forward he grabbed his bottle and took another gulp, spreading warmth and ease through his body. Wiping away his tears he started to type.
[E-Flat] Colin, I'm sorry. Im' sorry for worryijng you.
[newhart2002] Don't worry about it, just tell me what's wrong. [E-Flat] I d'nt know how to.
[newhart2002] You know you don't have to tell me anything, but I'm here for you, no matter what. I'm willing to listen, and it doesn't matter what you tell me, I'll still be here for you. I know it might be hard, but it's good to get it out of your system. I could come over, or call or something.
[E-Flat] no. stay there. Don't come. I'm. ogod. I just need time.
[newhart2002] you sure? *eyes him carefully*
[E-Flat] I . i. i'll email yuo k? at tlaest I got the spell check :)
[newhart2002] Okay. *worried look*
Ephram opened up outlook and started to type.
--
Colin sat there chewing on his fingernails, according to Amy it was a new habit he picked up. It kinda weirded himself out that he wasn't the same person anymore. But in some part of him he was glad, he couldn't go back to the way he was, so he didn't have to try to. But the expectations were still constant.
He sighed as he stared into his screen, messages where building up, Amy and Bright were sending him message after message, but he didn't care. Right now he had more important things to do. He stared at his inbox, hitting Ctrl-M every 2.3 seconds, the exact time it takes for Outlook to check mail. He considered just going to Ephram's, just to talk it out with him, but he respected his wishes.
After what seemed to be hours Outlook told him he had new mail. Apprehensively he opened it up:
From: Ephram Brown To: Colin CC: Subject: Thanks for being a friend.
I'm sorry we couldn't do this over AOL Messenger, but I don't trust my usual 'impeccable' grammar at the moment, plus I don't know if I could do this if you interrupted me, so I guess this is the best solution.
I haven't been completely honest with you Colin. There are. things that I thought would be best left unsaid, I thought the best way was to just keep it to myself. You've been a good friend for me, and apparently I was a good friend to you. But I've noticed how . much you care about people around you, otherwise why the hell would you continue with your charade?
So that's why I didn't tell you. I didn't want to add any more emotional baggage to your full trunk. Looking back I should have known that that was a mistake, not telling you makes things even worse. And I'm sorry.
I know things have kinda been weird for me lately, I've just . been dealing with a lot issues. And this week has just turned it for the worse.
You're right. I don't drink. I don't drink at all. I hate the stuff. I hate the taste, I hate the hangover, I hate the escape it gives me. And my earlier comment was completely unjustified and incredibly insensitive of me, and I'm sorry for that.
And this isn't about you. None of this is your fault, I was wrong to ask you for the booze, I pushed you away, this is all me. Seriously. I'm sorry.
It's my birthday tomorrow.
And that's really been fucking me up. It's a big one, sixteen, I can drive. I should be ecstatic, but I'm not. It's going to be a horrible birthday, the worse I've ever had, I know that now. It's my first birthday since I moved here, away from friends, away from my mother, and it scares me. All my real friends, my close friends, people I'd die for aren't here. They're back home. My mom isn't here, she's gone now. And I'm basically alone here. I know I have a few friends here but it's not the same. To tell you the truth, I don't even want to celebrate my birthday, cause I'll just be reminded of all the people that AREN'T here.
I don't even want to go back to NYC, it would have just been a tease, to relive my old life, and have to come back to this misery but it would have been nice, for my birthday and all. But it would have been counter productive and launch me into worst shit than now.
I even made sure I'm busy tomorrow, helping Amy with decorations for the dance, double piano lesson after that, finally watching a movie with Delia. Work is good. Work keeps me occupied and gets my mind away from thinking.
Birthdays have always had a special place in my heart, I don't really know why, but they're just important to me. It's when you get together with your real friends and your real family and celebrate, not just your birth, but celebrate being there for each other. To tell you how much you care about someone. For some silly reason I feel it's my duty to try my hardest to do everything I can to make people's birthday better, even if that means hundreds of dollars on whatever, to make sure and to show them that I love them. I know not everyone feels this way about birthdays, but I do. To me it's the most important day in everyone's year. And I knew that they would have loved to be here in Everwood with me, but they have their own lives, and it's no longer the twenty minute train ride to my place. But I understand that, I understand why they can't come. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. And it just kills me that they're not here. That they'll never be here, that it'll never be the same again.
And of course when I get in a bad mood, it brings out all my other pains and fears I have about myself, and it spirals down in an ever increasing cycle of self loathing.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you this earlier. I owed it to you. And I'm sorry.
~Ephram
Colin wiped the tears onto his shirt, as he hit the reply button.
--
Ephram placed his head on his crossed arms and cried. He thought telling someone was suppose to make him feel better. Were all these tears suppose to be making him feel better? He didn't think so. Ephram felt hallow, like he's poured his heart out and it's left him with an even bigger hole in his heart. He concentrated on breathing, opening his mouth, expanding his chest and collapsing it, drawing in life giving air into his body.
He didn't know how long he stayed like that, the combination of the alcohol and pain killers he took warped his sense of time. But he realized the little letter in his taskbar, and opened it up; it was a reply from Colin.
As he was opening it up he heard a loud bang on his window and watched in horror as the window flew open. Stumbling off his chair Ephram go up and headed towards the window to close it. Half way across his room he kicked a pile of clothes and fell over with thud.
Ephram's eyes fluttered as dizziness swept over him. He felt a strong hand pulled him roughly from the ground.
"E?" He heard a familiar voice and opened his eyes and tried to focus, starts flying at him at an alarming rate. He staggered and toppled forwards, but was caught by a strong arm.
"Colin?" Ephram was answered by an arm wrapping around him pulling him tightly to his body. Even without the telltale sling between them, he could tell it was Colin by his unmistaken about smell.
Colin felt Ephram's weight completely collapse upon him, his head buried in his shoulder as he cried. Colin awkwardly squeezed Ephram even harder, hurting his other arm, he leaned in and whispered into Ephram's ear.
"It's okay Ephram. Every things going to be fine now." With Colin Hart holding him, his head twirling from whisky, his heart seemed like it was going to explode. He sobbed loudly clinging on the Colin. They just stood there, holding each other.
Finally Ephram broke the embrace and looked into Colin's tear streaked eyes. He didn't know why he said it, it was probably the alcohol, or the fact that Colin was there for him even though he told him not to, or that Colin knew he needed him there, or the fact Colin was wrapped tightly around him and the stirring in his pants would give him away soon enough anyways. At this particular juncture in his life, he didn't think anything could make it worse, so he might as well tell him.
"Colin, I'm gay."
"Shhhh.I know."
Colin leaned in and kissed Ephram on the forehead and pulled him another hug.
For the first time in weeks, Ephram though he might actually have a Happy Birthday.
After Colin the Second, before Colin becames a dick.
--
Colin was the first out of the classroom, and it had nothing to do with his hatred for the class. He was looking for Ephram. He scanned the halls again looking for him, making several stops by his locker, but he wasn't there. He knew that Ephram started to skip classes and go off wondering, but to miss a whole day was weird, even for him.
Colin was worried about Ephram. He hadn't known him as long as Amy or Bright, but he knew something was definitely wrong. He'd asked them about it, but they didn't notice anything wrong. To them Ephram was always like that, he was always moody and depressed and generally a pain to be around.
He's been around Ephram long enough to know that this was not him. Contrary to Bright's suggestion, he is not having PMS. It was true that Ephram was always grumpy, especially when he was around Amy or Bright. But when they were alone, there is a whole new side to Ephram.
He was still sarcastic and moody, but he was defiantly chipper when they were by themselves. The change in his disposition was unmistakable. His eyes lifted up a bit more, his lips curled slightly in a smile and his whole body seemed less tense. If he didn't know better, he would have thought he was happy. Ephram was always so light hearted around him, making funny, though still sarcastic, remarks, and he made Colin feel good about himself.
Unlike everyone else Ephram seemed more worried about him. Not the old Colin, the current Colin. Ephram didn't treat him like an imbecile, or a retard, he treated him like a human being. He treated him as an equal.
He was the only one. Everyone else had this weird perception of him, with their expectations and their memories. Ephram wasn't like that. He didn't care about his past; he didn't care what he was supposed to be. All he cared about was him right now. Even if Ephram did know him before the accident, he was fairly certain that he wouldn't have treated him like how everyone else did.
Ever since the accident, he was unsure about every move he took. Was this something that the old Colin would do? Or was it a completely new second Colin? He learned to trust his gut feelings. It was all he had left; he didn't have memories of past experiences to guide him. He just had to trust his feelings and instincts. And every fiber in his being knew that Ephram would still be there for him no matter what.
So now his gut was telling me something was wrong with Ephram. Regardless of what Amy and Bright said, something was up with him, and he owed it to Ephram to help him, like how he helped Colin.
Colin jumped into Bright's red truck and quickly drove off towards home. Bright was humming along with the radio while Amy tried to make small talk with him, leaning on his shoulder telling him about her day. His mind was currently occupied; worried about the only true friend he, Colin the second, had in this town.
"So you wanna go to the movies tonight?" Amy batted her eyelashes and attempted to make her puppy dog eyes.
"No. I've got some things I gotta do." Looking at Bright, Colin rolled his eyes slightly watching Bright make an obscene gesture on the steering wheel.
"Whatcha doing?" She reached out and stroked his sling; she had a habit of doing that now, as if working her magic to make his arm heal faster.
"I got some stuff I gotta do. For rehab. Tomorrow?" Colin gave Amy a sheepish smile.
"Sure." She leaned in close and he gave her a quick hug and a kiss on the top of her head.
"Alright dude, end of the line." Bright smiled as he skidded to a halt in front of Colin's driveway.
"Later dude" using his good hand he gave a quick punch to Bright's shoulder. "Bye." He leaned in and gave Amy another kiss before he stepped out of the truck.
He didn't watch as Bright screeched the tires driving off in a blaze, he quickly strolled up to into his house and up the stairs to his room. Dropping his bag at his door, he awkwardly threw his jacket onto his bed before rushing to the phone.
Using his thumb he hit 'E' on speed dial, and listened to the quick tones of the phone. He plopped down at his desk and logged on his computer while listening to the constant ringing of the phone.
"Hi."
"Is Ephram there?
". you've reached the Brown's; we're not here right now. If it's a medical emergency you can reach Andy at 742-3582, otherwise leave a message at the Beeeeeeep."
"Fuck" Colin muttered under his breath, where was he? He glanced down on the on his task bar: 4:02 PM. Colin sighed, he had to be home. It was four, and he knew that Ephram wouldn't miss Justice League. It wasn't his standard Anime but he knew he watched the show religiously. He wouldn't leave till after it was over.
Awkwardly he used his left hand and opened up AOL messenger and scanned the names, he stopped at and his heart sank a bit as he saw E-Flat was offline. Hoping for the best he opened up a window and started to type with his one hand.
[newhart2002] Hey E u there?
[newhart2002] dude, I know you're there.
[newhart2002] you're always there
[newhart2002] you're watching JL.
[newhart2002] dude.
[E-Flat] wha?
His heart fluttered a bit when he saw that he was in fact online and invisible. He thanked his luck and picked up the phone and redialed Ephram.
[newhart2002] pick up.
[E-Flat] Pcik up what/?
[newhart2002] the phone dumbass.
He listened to the phone ring and the answering machine picked up again. Colin sighed again and hung up the phone.
[newhart2002] why won't you pick up? [E-Flat]I dn't want to.
[newhart20002] why not?
[E-Flat] lave mea lone.
[newhart2002] have you been drinking?
[E-Flat] godo bye.
Grabbing the phone again he quickly redialed Ephram's number. Instead of getting the answering machine, he only got a busy tone.
"Fucker" Colin threw down the phone in disgust.
--
Ephram took a long sip from his bottle of Jack Daniels feeling the fire burn in his throat. He reached over to pick up the remote, knocking several beer bottles on his desk in the process. Studying the remote he was slowly was able to find the volume control and proceeded to increase the volume trying to drown Colin out. He watched as Batman kicked some random villain's ass, he knew the name of him, but in his state he could remember and didn't care, he just grabbed the bottle and took another sip.
Briinnnng
He sighed, he knew he could just shut off the computer, or set Colin on ignore, but for some reason, even in his state, he couldn't. He slowly turned and focused back on his monitor.
[newhart2002] you started drinking again didn't you?
[newhart2002] dude why?
[newhart2002] how long have you been drinking?
[newhart2002] I haven't seen to you all day. Have you been drinking all day?
[newhart2002] DUDE TALK TO ME.
[E-Flat] I jsut want to take the edge of.
[newhart2002] drinking is not the answer.
[E-Flat] YOUR ONE TO TALK.
Ephram regretted the message instantly after he sent it. He knew Colin had drinking problems, and throwing it back in his face a horrible thing to do. His heart broke even further as the ramification started to set in. He stared at the screen dreading Colin's response.
[newhart2002] .
[newhart2002] we're not talking about me, we're talking about you.
[newhart2002] what the fuck is going on with you? and don't give me any bullshit 'I'm okay' crap. Cause you're not. I know something is wrong. Other people might not see it but *I* do. Your attitude, your body language, your sudden disregard for your own safety, I notice it. I know I haven't known you that long, but I see your fake facade that you're putting up for everyone. I might not have my memories or all use of all my limbs, but I'm not stupid. I see things. I see you and Amy; I know there was something between you. But you know what? I don't care. What I care about right now is you.
[newhart2002]I've seen you going down hill for days, and it started really hitting home yesterday. You were NOT yourself. Asking for booze for one thing, I thought you were trying to loosen up or something, but looking back that's not you. You don't drink; you don't even like the taste. You've told me that, you're drinking for all the wrong reasons. Drinking is NOT an answer.
[newhart2002] Talk to me. Trust me. You've been there for me for so long, and I don't think you even understand how important it was to have you here while I was trying to get my life back in order. I wouldn't be the person I am right now. I'd still be using lists, and destroying myself, but you saw that. You saw me. You saved me.
[newhart2002] And now I want to save you. Let me save you Ephram.
[newhart2002] Please.
Ephram felt tears rolling down his eyes as he read Colin's messages, his already battered heart shattered in his chest. He knew Colin was a good guy and he did truly care about him, but to have him . worry about him so much. It just broke Ephram.
His hands quivered as they were poised above the keyboard. Reaching forward he grabbed his bottle and took another gulp, spreading warmth and ease through his body. Wiping away his tears he started to type.
[E-Flat] Colin, I'm sorry. Im' sorry for worryijng you.
[newhart2002] Don't worry about it, just tell me what's wrong. [E-Flat] I d'nt know how to.
[newhart2002] You know you don't have to tell me anything, but I'm here for you, no matter what. I'm willing to listen, and it doesn't matter what you tell me, I'll still be here for you. I know it might be hard, but it's good to get it out of your system. I could come over, or call or something.
[E-Flat] no. stay there. Don't come. I'm. ogod. I just need time.
[newhart2002] you sure? *eyes him carefully*
[E-Flat] I . i. i'll email yuo k? at tlaest I got the spell check :)
[newhart2002] Okay. *worried look*
Ephram opened up outlook and started to type.
--
Colin sat there chewing on his fingernails, according to Amy it was a new habit he picked up. It kinda weirded himself out that he wasn't the same person anymore. But in some part of him he was glad, he couldn't go back to the way he was, so he didn't have to try to. But the expectations were still constant.
He sighed as he stared into his screen, messages where building up, Amy and Bright were sending him message after message, but he didn't care. Right now he had more important things to do. He stared at his inbox, hitting Ctrl-M every 2.3 seconds, the exact time it takes for Outlook to check mail. He considered just going to Ephram's, just to talk it out with him, but he respected his wishes.
After what seemed to be hours Outlook told him he had new mail. Apprehensively he opened it up:
From: Ephram Brown To: Colin CC: Subject: Thanks for being a friend.
I'm sorry we couldn't do this over AOL Messenger, but I don't trust my usual 'impeccable' grammar at the moment, plus I don't know if I could do this if you interrupted me, so I guess this is the best solution.
I haven't been completely honest with you Colin. There are. things that I thought would be best left unsaid, I thought the best way was to just keep it to myself. You've been a good friend for me, and apparently I was a good friend to you. But I've noticed how . much you care about people around you, otherwise why the hell would you continue with your charade?
So that's why I didn't tell you. I didn't want to add any more emotional baggage to your full trunk. Looking back I should have known that that was a mistake, not telling you makes things even worse. And I'm sorry.
I know things have kinda been weird for me lately, I've just . been dealing with a lot issues. And this week has just turned it for the worse.
You're right. I don't drink. I don't drink at all. I hate the stuff. I hate the taste, I hate the hangover, I hate the escape it gives me. And my earlier comment was completely unjustified and incredibly insensitive of me, and I'm sorry for that.
And this isn't about you. None of this is your fault, I was wrong to ask you for the booze, I pushed you away, this is all me. Seriously. I'm sorry.
It's my birthday tomorrow.
And that's really been fucking me up. It's a big one, sixteen, I can drive. I should be ecstatic, but I'm not. It's going to be a horrible birthday, the worse I've ever had, I know that now. It's my first birthday since I moved here, away from friends, away from my mother, and it scares me. All my real friends, my close friends, people I'd die for aren't here. They're back home. My mom isn't here, she's gone now. And I'm basically alone here. I know I have a few friends here but it's not the same. To tell you the truth, I don't even want to celebrate my birthday, cause I'll just be reminded of all the people that AREN'T here.
I don't even want to go back to NYC, it would have just been a tease, to relive my old life, and have to come back to this misery but it would have been nice, for my birthday and all. But it would have been counter productive and launch me into worst shit than now.
I even made sure I'm busy tomorrow, helping Amy with decorations for the dance, double piano lesson after that, finally watching a movie with Delia. Work is good. Work keeps me occupied and gets my mind away from thinking.
Birthdays have always had a special place in my heart, I don't really know why, but they're just important to me. It's when you get together with your real friends and your real family and celebrate, not just your birth, but celebrate being there for each other. To tell you how much you care about someone. For some silly reason I feel it's my duty to try my hardest to do everything I can to make people's birthday better, even if that means hundreds of dollars on whatever, to make sure and to show them that I love them. I know not everyone feels this way about birthdays, but I do. To me it's the most important day in everyone's year. And I knew that they would have loved to be here in Everwood with me, but they have their own lives, and it's no longer the twenty minute train ride to my place. But I understand that, I understand why they can't come. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. And it just kills me that they're not here. That they'll never be here, that it'll never be the same again.
And of course when I get in a bad mood, it brings out all my other pains and fears I have about myself, and it spirals down in an ever increasing cycle of self loathing.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you this earlier. I owed it to you. And I'm sorry.
~Ephram
Colin wiped the tears onto his shirt, as he hit the reply button.
--
Ephram placed his head on his crossed arms and cried. He thought telling someone was suppose to make him feel better. Were all these tears suppose to be making him feel better? He didn't think so. Ephram felt hallow, like he's poured his heart out and it's left him with an even bigger hole in his heart. He concentrated on breathing, opening his mouth, expanding his chest and collapsing it, drawing in life giving air into his body.
He didn't know how long he stayed like that, the combination of the alcohol and pain killers he took warped his sense of time. But he realized the little letter in his taskbar, and opened it up; it was a reply from Colin.
As he was opening it up he heard a loud bang on his window and watched in horror as the window flew open. Stumbling off his chair Ephram go up and headed towards the window to close it. Half way across his room he kicked a pile of clothes and fell over with thud.
Ephram's eyes fluttered as dizziness swept over him. He felt a strong hand pulled him roughly from the ground.
"E?" He heard a familiar voice and opened his eyes and tried to focus, starts flying at him at an alarming rate. He staggered and toppled forwards, but was caught by a strong arm.
"Colin?" Ephram was answered by an arm wrapping around him pulling him tightly to his body. Even without the telltale sling between them, he could tell it was Colin by his unmistaken about smell.
Colin felt Ephram's weight completely collapse upon him, his head buried in his shoulder as he cried. Colin awkwardly squeezed Ephram even harder, hurting his other arm, he leaned in and whispered into Ephram's ear.
"It's okay Ephram. Every things going to be fine now." With Colin Hart holding him, his head twirling from whisky, his heart seemed like it was going to explode. He sobbed loudly clinging on the Colin. They just stood there, holding each other.
Finally Ephram broke the embrace and looked into Colin's tear streaked eyes. He didn't know why he said it, it was probably the alcohol, or the fact that Colin was there for him even though he told him not to, or that Colin knew he needed him there, or the fact Colin was wrapped tightly around him and the stirring in his pants would give him away soon enough anyways. At this particular juncture in his life, he didn't think anything could make it worse, so he might as well tell him.
"Colin, I'm gay."
"Shhhh.I know."
Colin leaned in and kissed Ephram on the forehead and pulled him another hug.
For the first time in weeks, Ephram though he might actually have a Happy Birthday.