It has been 20 days since the final episode of Ashes to Ashes appeared on our screens, and I still have not come to terms with the way the story ended. I still miss my pal.

I hope these four chapters will make things a little easier for you too.

This is my first ever fanfic and I would love to receive your feedback.

"Please, listen - listen to me. I can stay here. With you." Her fingertips were hovering over the fabric of his coat. "You can't do this - you can't do this on your own." Her voice was shaking and she had now grabbed hold of his lapels, begging him to let her stay with him. "You need me, Gene. I can't – I can't go in there."

She remembered having felt this terrified only once before; when Arthur Layton had taken Molly hostage and there had been absolutely nothing she could have done, except perhaps pray that she would be allowed to swap places with her daughter. She had felt utterly powerless then too.

"Yes, you can. They've got a saloon bar."

And then he had smiled - he had actually smiled. The most ill-tempered man in CID, the man with the frown, who at times seemed to be carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, had actually smiled. The worst thing was that his eyes seemed to be smiling too.

"Can't 'ave you putting me off me stride, can I? I mean, I'll end up wondering if I'm not completely right all of the time. Can't have that… We weren't bad, though, were we?"

It was at that moment that resignation had set in. She took Gene's identification pin out of her pocket and passed the infamous number over to him.

"Here."

He accepted the parting gift, and all the different meanings it carried with it.

"See you around, Bolly Kecks."

What did that mean? Would she be seeing him again? Would the great Gene Hunt one day be making his own grand entrance into the Railway Arms, black coat flapping behind him, having finally rid the streets of Cockney filth and scum? It almost felt as though he was trying to let her down gently by choosing words that suggested they might see each other again. Had he not asked Ray to set a pint aside for him? See you around, Bolly Kecks… What was there left to do? This was goodbye, wasn't it?

Alex leaned towards Gene and placed her right hand on his neck, her thumb tracing a gentle downward line on his left cheek. And still he was staring at her with his kind blue eyes, with those damned half-smiling eyes. What was hiding behind them? Knowledge? Understanding? Pity? Funny how in all those years and months of trying to get home, of wanting to get home, Alex had never really imagined what it would be like to say goodbye to Gene Hunt. She had imagined that she would simply one day wake up in a 2008 hospital room, Molly waiting by her side. Her return had always played out as a fast transition, her fate sealed with varying degrees of violence. She might one day be shot again, the bullet acting as an antidote to the one that had brought her into this world. She might collapse in a dark alley way during a blag, or, the most peaceful alternative of all, go to bed one night, only to wake up in her own world the following morning.

But that was when this world had not felt real to her. It had all been in her mind and well, constructs did not matter and could not be hurt, could they? If she had not been so completely heartbroken, she would probably have smiled at the irony of it all, at the thought that in the end, she had only been half wrong. This world was not real. Only neither was she. None of them were real because not a single one of them was alive. It was that simple.

If none of this was real, why did she feel so broken? Why did the man standing in front of her appear so alive? She could feel his stubble under her thumb, she could detect the smell of whisky and cigarettes in his clothes, feel his breath on her lips… What was it that Sam had told her? If you can feel it then it is real… Alex had never been a religious person but perhaps death was not the end, perhaps it was simply a different reality. How could something - someone - not real have made her enjoy life so much? If her heart had stopped beating, why was it now breaking?

They were millimetres apart now and Gene had leaned in and closed the gap between them. They were kissing at last, but how tragic that it had to have been in those circumstances. It was a goodbye kiss – it could never have been anything else – but Alex summoned all the emotions that had been tearing her heart apart and channelled them into the exchange that was taking place between them. Hearts, minds, thoughts and memories were intertwined and for the second time in her life, Alex found herself praying, begging anyone who would listen to let there be a happy outcome to this whole stinking mess.

"Goodbye, Guv".

She detected a faint smile again, but this time she was not fooled. Tears had been building in Gene's eyes too and she knew she would have been lost forever if she had stayed long enough to witness the dams break.

"Go."

She turned around before it was too late and made her way towards the pub entrance. She could not bear to look back. Instead, she took a deep breath and mechanically placed her hand on the cold handle of the door. Entering the pub, she found herself wishing she could die a second time. Damn you, Gene Hunt… Even then he had acted as the Guv, the Manc Lion – so strong and so brave.