Title: Strange Disease
Author: Sita Seraph
Genre: Humor
Pairing: None
Rated: R for language
Archive: Aya Maxwell's Aenai Ai- http://aenai.steelsong.com/
Lily's Site - http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/gundam_wing_fanart/
Warning: Language.
Special Thanks: To those you answered my 'Immediate Response' message. ^_^ Especially for Dark Tenshi for getting me going and Pris for mention spandexs. ^_^ Arigato.
"Thank you for sparing us a moment, Doctor," Quatre said, smiling weakly against the ruckus named Duo Maxwell, behind him. "We really appreciate taking in one of our own in such short notice."
"Of course, Quatre," the doctor said, nodding, hardly raising his lips to return Quatre's smile. Instead, he rather liked his professional ego mounting around him at the moment, so he glanced at the patient. "Anything for a Preventer…Ahem…And, ah, how long has he been like this?"
Duo Maxwell ignored the doctor and his friend for the time being, taking up his time staring into oblivion with his jaw fallen open. He was wearing bright yellow Speedo's over some spandex shorts with black women's high heels strapped to his larger feet. His toes wiggled over the edge. His shirt was tight against his body with "Girls Kick Ass" strapped across the chest. His whole waist was adored with all sorts of belts from black to yellow, to glitter to Spanish scarves. He wore a pink bow to keep his hair intact and then some for decoration.
"Mr. Maxwell?"
Suddenly, Duo's fist lashed out in front of him and he screamed like a Chinese man, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-"
"For some time actually-."
"-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-."
"-until he got abusive-."
"-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-."
"-hope you can help-."
"-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The doctor blinked. Duo dropped his hand and slumped back down into his seat, glaring at the wall.
"Ah, well-."
Suddenly, Duo burst up and turned to the startled doctor and the cowering Quatre. He stormed over and grabbed the doctor's white jacket, hulling him close. He was breathing heavily through his clenched teeth, wheezing almost like an old man.
"I REMEMBER EVERYTHING!"(1)
The doctor blinked again, shaking in his shoes. Duo dropped him.
"I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday!"
"Oh, no," Quatre groaned, covering his eyes.
"I was barely seventeen and I once killed a boy with a Fender guitar," Duo rambled, grabbing a convenient broom that was leaning against the wall. Patients were turned around in their seats in the waiting room, watching the crazy boy since he howled manically.
"I don't remember if it was a Telecaster or a Startocaster. But I do remember that it had a heart of chrome and a voice like a horny angel!" Duo swooned, gripping the broom.
"I don't remember if it was a Telecaster or a Startocaster . But I do remember that it wasn't at all eeeeaaaassssyyy." At that, he glared at the doctor before going back to fondling his beloved broom. "It required the perfect combination of the right power chords and the precise angle FROM WHICH TO STRIKE!" Duo lightly slammed the broom against the wall.
"The guitar bled for a week afterward," Duo swooned, staring lovingly at the broom. "And the blood was zook…dark, and rich like wild berries…….The blood of the guitar was Chuck Berry red! The guitar bled for about a week afterward but it rung…out…beautifully…and I was able to play notes that I had never even heard before…." Duo zoned out at that moment, petting the tip of the broom with delicateness.
"So," Duo said jerkily, glaring in Quatre and the doctor's general direction, "I took my guitar - AND I SMASHED IT AGAINST THE WALL!" Duo smashed the broom against the wall
"I SMASHED IT AGAINST THE FLOOR!" Duo did just that and ran towards the patients with his victory high in the air.
"I SMASHED IT AGAINST THE BODY OF A VARSITY CHEERLEADER!" Down went a blonde patient with pigtails.
"I SMASHED IT AGAINST THE HOOD OF A CAR!" Bam, bam against the TV.
"I SMASHED IT AGAINST A 1981 HARLEY DAVIDSON! THE HARLEY HOWLED IN PAIN!!! THE GUITAR HOWLED IN HEAT!"
Sudden silence. Quatre peeked around the doctor's shoulder.
"And I ran up the stairs to my parents' bedroom," Duo whispered with a pant, crawling on top of the seat and peering around in his imagination. "MOMMY and DADDY were SLEEPING in the moooonlight.
"Slowly I opened the door," Duo hissed, pushing an invisible door in front of him open and creeping over the seat with his broom pieces towards Quatre and the doctor again, "creeping in the shadows, right up to the foot of their bed."
A strange glint was flashing in the crazed violet eyes.
"I raised the guitar high above my head," Duo said louder, holding the broom up above him with the brush touching the ceiling. He said quickly then, "And just as I was about to bring the guitar crashing down upon the centre of the bed-," the broom began to swing down, "my father woke up, screaming, 'STOP!'-." The broom jerked to a halt in the air. "'Wait a minute! Stop it boy! What do you think you're doing? That's no way to treat an expensive musical instrument!'"
Duo growled in frustration, angry in his head.
"And I said 'God DAMNIT, Daddy!'" Duo threw away the broom, huffing in irritation as he glared at the doctor, but he voice became soft, for the moment.
"'You know I love you…but you've got a HELL of a lot to learn about ROCK AND ROLLLLLLL!'"
Duo straightened suddenly and combed down his too tight of a shirt. The doctor blinked yet again and Quatre sighed in relief.
"I've got to go pee, now," Duo said timidly.
"Good boy, Duo," Quatre said happily, patting the boy on the head. He ignored the way Duo tried to gnaw on his hand until he gave him a biscuit that appeared out of his pocket.
"Ah, well, this way," the doctor said uneasily and led the two Preventers down the hall.
*****
"GET OVER IT, YOU PANSY!" Duo yelled at a withered Chinese man playing chess. Quatre and the doctor watched yonder. "GET DOWN AND GIVE ME FIFTY, YOU LITTLE BITCH!"
The man began to shake violently and get up, when a blue-haired nurse ran to the rescue and took the crazed, old man away. Duo marched away, singing marching tunes.
"He can't seem to give up the war, can he?" the doctor said, rubbing his chin and turning to walk down the garden path that they wandered in. Quatre eagerly followed, ignoring the shouting Duo behind them.
"AHHHH!!! DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER!?!?!(2)"
"Apparently not," Quatre agreed. "He loved fighting."
"YOU SANK MY BATTLE SHIP! YOU BASTARDS!"
"I can imagine that," the surgeon nodded. "Was he a good fighter?"
"YOUR MOTHER WEARS ARMY'S BOOTS!"
"Very loyal, yes," Quatre said, nodding until he could hear Duo running up behind him. He groaned in warning before Duo tackled both the blonde and the older man to the ground.
"GET DOWN YOU IDIOTS! THE ENEMY IS ON ALERT!"
"Keep your voice down, sir," Quatre said timidly. "They'll hear you."
"Oh, right," Duo blinked and rolled off his escorts. "No worries though! I'LL take care of them!" Cackling madly, the braid stood up and started chucking imaginary things over the bush of the stoned path, while making amazingly real sound effects of explosives.
"Thrrrww, thrrrrww!" Duo copied. "KABUSHHHH!!!" The boy waddled on his feet. "We've been hit! We've been hit! KAAAAABBBBBBBUUUUUUSSSHHHH!!!! AHHH! Run, boys, run!!!"
"Best do what he says," Quatre said quickly, dragging the poor doctor up and running down the path. Duo's war cry was right behind them.
"TAKE THAT! AND THAT! AHAHA! HERE, HAVE A PICKLE(3)! AHAHAHA!"
"I think your friend has a very serious problem!" the doctor grunted when they came to a stop, panting for breath.
"Really?" Quatre asked innocently. Duo came running after them.
"Any wounded, captain?" the brunette asked curtly.
"Nay, sir!" Quatre played along, saluting.
"Good! Now, onto battle!" With that, Duo threw himself over the hedge.
"Okay…" Quatre said politely, before turning to the doctor. "Can you show us the dorms now, please?"
*****
Duo pounded on ahead, sliding against the walls like an undercover agent and peeking into all the rooms as the other two trailed along behind, talking quietly. Everything was going along nicely now that they were out of the gardens, until Duo's horrified war cry echoed down the corridors.
"Out of my room, you pervert!" A patient screamed, beating over Duo's huddled form on the ground with a, wouldn't you know it, a broom. Quatre and the doctor rushed forward and as the older man calmed the patient down, Quatre checked over the Preventer's condition.
"Duo, are you okay?"
"Q-Quatre…" Duo whispered weakly, twitching.
"Duo!?"
"Q-Qqq…hold me…it-it-its getting dark…"
"Oh my God! He's really hurt!" Quatre screamed to the doctor.
"But how…?"
"Quatre…" The blonde looked down again at Duo's overlarge eyes. The boy coughed hysterically before continuing. "I've…been shot!"
Quatre blinked.
"Tell-Te-Tell Auntie Am that I won't be coming down for Christmas…"
He groaned.
Cough, cough, sputter, sputter. "Let ol' Yeller out…*cough, heave, cough*…And tell Kent he..he…owes me…twenty…twenty…bucks…*heave, heave, cough, sputter, gag, die*" Duo went limp in Quatre's arms.
"…Now, what just happened?" the doctor asked.
"Oh, he dies every so often," Quatre explained nonchalantly, "makes life more interesting for him, I suppose. He'll wake up in a sec, just you wait."
They waited.
Waited.
Waited a bit more.
Okay, waiting a little bit more.
Waited for a full half an hour.
The doctor's feet were really beginning to hurt.
Waited.
Quatre's legs were snoring from Duo's weight by the time the said boy woke up.
"FREEZE!" The braided man screamed, jerking up in sitting position, and pointing his gun finger at the doctor. "Think ya got lucky, didja? Think I'd just lay down and die, eh!? Well, guess what!?!"
"You're not dead?" the doctor asked helpfully.
"Nope! You, sir, are under arrest!"
With that said, Quatre pulled out a gun from inside his jacket and pointed it at the doctor.
"Dr. Hunn, your hands up, please."
The man could only stare as suddenly the room was filled with Preventer personnel from undercover to full-blown police officer suits.
"What the hell!?" The doctor screamed as his hands were cuffed behind his back and was dragged away.
"AND NEXT TIME, I'LL USE MUSTARD(4)!" Duo yelled after him before lapsing into cackling evilly.
"Not once, can you just arrest someone normally, can you?" Quatre asked quietly, joining to sit beside Duo on the tiled floor.
"Makes life just a itty bit interesting," Duo grinned, moving around uncomfortably. "You have no fucking idea how long I had a belt riding up my ass until Trowa called in telling me we could arrest the guy."
"And you are as heavy as a cow," Quatre said. "I think I'll never be able to wake up my legs to walk ever again."
"I hate spandexs too!" Duo continued ranting, slapping the fabric back to his skin. "I'm going to have hives for the rest of my life!"
"I think I have a bruise too where you tackled me…"
"I have a splinter from that broom…"
"Dr. Hunn gave me permanent hippie jibbies…"
"I hate girls…"
"I have to go to the bathroom…"
Silence…
"Can you think of anything else to complain about?" Duo asked, drumming his fingers on the floor.
"No. Not really."
"Me neither."
They sat there for a while, chilling out and ignoring the warning glances the patient inside Room 244 gave them, clutching firmly onto the broom he just harassed Duo with. The boy was just about to speak up about something when he was interrupted…
"MAXWELL! WHEN I FIND YOU, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU WHO'S THE BITCH!"
Duo eeped and bolted from the floor, throwing a lame excuse over his shoulder that he thought he heard the commander of Battle Ship calling him, and promptly tossed himself out the window of a two-story building. Quatre had a sneaky suspicion that he was trying to get away from the Chinese Chess Fart.
Faintly, one could hear the cries of woe as he landed into the said Fart's arms.
Owari!
1. Wasted Youth by Meat Loaf! Oh, come on! You guys have to know this song!
2. That's off Starship Troopers…the guy repeats everything his former commander said to his troops…*shakes head*
3. Teenage Ninja Turtles #2! You guys might miss it, but its from Mikie when he first appears and he's beating up a guy behind a food counter. He's so cute!
4. Teenage Ninja Turtles #2! After the fight, he says this. Ain't he adorable!?