When we die
- Can you hear me? Talk to me. It'll be all right, okay? Hold on, don't leave me. Don't do this to me! Help is almost here… Talk to me, stay with me!
There are some days, in some situations, where you feel helpless, powerless, where you have the impression that everything escapes you. Have you ever had that dream where you fall and nobody can catch you? You fall, over and over again… You can't move, or breathe… Right now, that's exactly how I feel.
I see him there, above me, his expression is defeated, he's upset, and he's afraid. He begs me to hold on, but I can't breathe. I try to move but it only accentuates the pain. I drown, I suffocate, and I can't stay awake any longer.
All this shit because of stupidity. We were on patrol when we found a corpse; we saw it, a homeless person, lying on the ground, in a pool of blood. I approached, he stayed back. I briefly saw a shadow, I turned my head and saw a man. It's all that I had a chance to see before to I heard a shot ring out, and felt my chest constrict. I'm falling to the ground, and I realized that the bullet had penetrated my bulletproof vest; nothing extraordinary when you are shot at a close range like this. It's the first time I've taken a bullet and I swear to you that it hurts, it hurts extremely bad. I heard two other shots, then his voice yelling that an officer was down and that he needed a bus on the rush.
I don't ask anything, why this guy shot me? Maybe it was the homeless guys murderer. Now I find myself lying in a pool of blood, MY own blood. I see him above me; I ask myself why he's crying? I'm suffocating, breathing becomes difficult, and it hurts! I feel him presses on my wound, his eyes are full of tears. And I yell. It hurts so much; I want to die.
I feel something filling inside me; like my lugs are full of water; I cough… I spit, I try breathing through my nose, but nothing. Somebody help me, please! I start shaking, at least my body shakes, because I can't control it, I can't do anything now. He looks at me, tears falling down on his cheeks. My vision becomes cloudy, my head hurts. I'm hot, extremely hot, breathing is all that matters, but my throat is burning, I don't feel the pain anymore. I'm burning inside myself, it's unbearable, like millions of needles piercing you. Is this death?
I close my eyes, darkness calls me, and yet I don't want to go, I'm afraid. Afraid of what is waiting for me. Afraid of not seeing my friends again, afraid of leaving, letting them down, causing them pain. They're all that I've got, they're priceless to me. I don't want to abandon them. Without them, I'm nothing.
Why can't I feel anything, now? Why is he looking at me like that, why is he crying? I won't leave him; I'm always there for him, for them.
His voice echoes through my ears, they are deaf, the sound is distant, but now, the pain is gone, I feel quiet… I hear sirens, everything is alright, everything will be alright.
- It's okay, talk to me! Stay with me. You hear me? Squeeze my hand! Hold on!
Why is he so panicked? I'm here, I'm alright. I try speaking to him, but nothing. Everything seems to light, uncertain; I have the impression of flying. It's a wonder that I don't have the regrets, all worries are gone, and nothing exists now… Sun dazzles me, it blinds me. It's hot and calms me, I think I smile. He starts crying.
- Hold on, I'm begging you, please, Bosco!
I never heard Ty's voice so shaky, I've never seen him so lost and so terrorized. Everything stops quickly, sunshine dazing me, I have the impression that Ty leaves… Thank God that Faith took two days off, because of Charlie, poor boy, he's sick. If she was in Ty's place, I couldn't handle it. I love Faith, I couldn't force this on her, I would want to tell her that I will always there for her, that everything will be alright, that she's the most wonderful person… but finally I think its better like this; better that she's away from me at this time.
My vision clears up, than disappears slowly. I fall asleep, I will return later. I feel people kneeling beside me; I feel them touching me, talking to me, but this calm… I can't ignore it; I feel secure now. I go, quietly, I have the impression that I can see them, Doc, Kim, Ty, all around me. But I won't search to understand what they do or even what they say. I go; it's hard but it's like that when we die.
FINI