Hey all,

So, this is just something I had to write to get out a lot of internal conflict I've been having right now... Yes it is based off a true experience I've had, yes it sucks, no I do not want to talk about it.

But, good news! I've passed my Masters course and am Graduating in July. Am desperately applying for jobs, and trying not to sink so far into depression that I give up entirely on it. Thank you to all who took part in the survey I put up on here last year. I appreciate it a lot.

Another big announcement!

I have made an account with Archive of Our Own. I will be moving everything over to there. FFNET has been a good home to me, but due to various issues with FFNET's management and lack of action in resolving certain issues, I wanted to move onto a site that would be better for authors as a whole.

I am also re-writing Lucy's Fury- my first fanfiction- very slowly. I will not be posting the updated version to FFNET when it is done. It will only be available on AOO, so I encourage you to go check me out on there too. I managed to keep my same username as on FFNET, so I shouldn't be too hard to find.

Thank you for reading this spiel, and I hope you enjoy this story... I went to a pretty dark place internally to get this out. I'm not sure how much more I'll be updating anytime soon, my mind is definitely not in the right place and inspiration is as elusive to me as my career prospects are right now.

All the best

Neko xx 3

It had been over five years since she'd loved someone.

Of course, she loved her friends and her family, but it had been so long since she'd last felt her stomach clench with that familiar, dreaded tightness.

Lucy had never believed in love at first sight, and still didn't; but she knew the first moment that she laid eyes on him that something was different. Sure, she was attracted to him, he was attractive to most women. But she still couldn't tell what it was that made him different from all of the other men in the guild. If she had to choose, it had something to do with the cheeky grin that made his eyes seem just that bit brighter, and made him look more… alive.

The first time she met him, she didn't quite know what to think. He wasn't exactly talkative, but when he did speak, she had to hold back her laughter. That was one of the most attractive things about him to her though. Every time he smiled or laughed, she could feel her soul leech off of that joy; sucking the emotions right out of the air as though till that point, she had been drowning.

Some days, she'd look up towards him, and see the uncharacteristic stillness in his limbs. His shoulders would be slightly hunched over the table, and he would only move to shoot some whiskey down the back of his throat. On those days, a fist would grab at her heart and she'd break into a cold sweat, aching, needing to hold him. To tell him everything was okay, that it would get better. To make him smile. Laugh.

Anything. Just to chase away the suffocating cloud that choked him.

Despite all of this, she could not go to him. It was not her place.

He was dating someone she didn't know, outside the guild, and had been since before she knew him. She couldn't, wouldn't, have anything to do with someone who was in a relationship. So, she locked her thoughts deep inside herself; only to let them out when she was cocooned in her covers. Where no one would see.

The first time he opened up to her, she had just recovered from a nightmare, and had climbed up to her roof. In the distance, she could still hear the echoing rumble of thunder.

'Didn't peg you for a smoker, blondie.' He dropped to sit beside her on the roofs ledge, dangling his legs into the air.

Lucy took a deep inhale, her fingers trembling slightly, as she caught a whiff of cedar wood cologne.

'Didn't peg you for a creeper, Laxus.' She exhaled the smoke as she spoke, focusing her eyes on his worn, black leather shoes. There were scuff marks on the toes, and the laces were slightly torn at the ends.

'Just passing by.' She could feel his voice echo around her. She expected him to leave, after all, they'd never spoken much before. But he didn't. She lifted her cigarette to her lips once again, and looked up at his face.

His eyebrows were pulled tight, and his jaw was visibly clenched. His hands hung limp between his legs as he stared at nothing she could see.

Lucy reached into her pocket, and pulled out a packet and her lighter.

He took what she offered. Her lighter clicked a couple of times before the flame caught, and she could almost feel him relax as the nicotine hit his system.

'You alright?' She asked, pulling a fresh cigarette from the pack that sat in between them both. He grunted, still staring into the distance.

It took about ten minutes of silent, chain smoking before he said anything.

'I think Beth's gonna break up with me.' Lucy felt her breath hitch, almost choking on smoke.

'Why do you say that?'

'She's been avoiding me. Since I went on that three month mission last year. When I came back, she just didn't want to talk to me anymore. One of her family had died. I tried to be there for her whilst I was away. I'd call her every night, send letters. She just started ignoring me. Not answering the lacrima. I figured she might want her space, to grieve. Told her I was there if she needed to talk. Anytime. For anything. Now… it just feels as though that distance has just stayed. Even when I'm right next to her, it's like I'm not there.' Lucy swallowed and licked her cracked lips, huddling deeper into her hoodie.

'Why do you think she's going to break up with you?' She watched as his free hand ran through his hair, exhaling through his nose a huge stream of smoke.

'I dunno… just a feeling I guess. I've been trying so fucking hard to be with her. To help her through this. I might as well be talking to a fucking wall. I just can't give up on this. I don't want this to end right now, you know?' He turned his head, his eyes boring into her skull. Lucy blinked, noticing for the first time the flecks of grey in his eyes, mingled with streaks of aquamarine blue that became so noticeable in moonlight.

'I guess, all you can do is what you've been doing. Keep letting her know you're there. Support her. She must be going through a tough time if someone close to her passed away…' he nodded at her assertion. 'Then that's all you can do. I don't think she'll break up with you. I'm sure it'll all be ok. Just, be there for her.'

After that first night on the roof, it had become a ritual for them both. Every few nights, they'd meet up on her rooftop for a chain smoking session and talk. They talked about a lot of things.

What their favourite TV show was, their favourite game, books, missions. She'd try to reassure him about his relationship, try to give him advice as she ignored the aching in her own chest as she encouraged him.

Then, one night, as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, he said it.

'She broke up with me.'

Lucy slowly let out her breath and threw her cigarette stub to the street below. She pulled him till they were both standing, and wrapped her arms as far around his waist as she could.

They were still for a few seconds, before his arms encased her. He pulled her tight to his chest. So tight she couldn't open one eye without the cotton of his shirt jabbing at it. Her hands clenched into fists at his back, clutching the material of his cloak in her fingers. She felt so warm against him, and was surrounded by his cologne and the slight smell of sweat, along with the cloying tobacco smoke that had stained his clothes.

'I'm sorry, Laxus.' She felt his chest expand and shudder beneath her cheek, as his grip tightened on her.

They stayed like that for what felt to her like an hour. Time seemed to slow as they held each other. When he let her go, she felt a chill seep into her very soul.

'No need to apologise. I knew this would happen months ago. Just hoped it wouldn't. She was kinda cheating on me… not physically, which makes it worse somehow. She started talking to this friend of hers. A lot. About everything. Then, they started sending… pictures. Started last year, before I got back.' His voice was monotone as he spoke, emotionless as he bared the facts to her. They had become good enough friends since that first accidental encounter, that she knew everything to do with Laxus' relationship.

'What? Why? What the fuck is wrong with her?' Lucy started breathing heavily, not realising she'd crushed her unlit fag in a fist. Laxus shrugged, sitting back down on the ledge.

'They have a lot in common I suppose. It sucks, but if that's the way it is, that's the way it is. She's the one who's gonna feel the guilt about it all, not me. I've been on the cheater side before in another shitty relationship. It hurts was worse than being cheated on. That guilt sticks.' Lucy blinked, before sighing and sitting beside him, close enough that their knees brushed together.

'Still… I'm sorry Laxus. You tried so hard to keep it going…'

'I'll be fine blondie. Just need a bit of time to sort my head out. Pretty sure I loved her at one point.'

'I know.'

They spent the rest of the night wordlessly smoking through all of Lucy's fags.

'What do you mean, you haven't seen The Fallen?' Lucy blinked, before pouting slightly.

'I've never heard of it, besides I've been too busy with missions and training to keep up to date on TV shows lately.' Lucy took another drag of her cigarette, ignoring how much more she seemed to smoke since the nightly meetings with Laxus had become almost religious.

'You would love it. It's funny, has a great plot, and has just been renewed for a new season. Plus, I know how much you like reading; the authors of the books are part of the script writing team, so they do not deviate. Trust me, you have got to watch it.' Lucy felt her face flush, her heart beating slightly faster.

'Ok, but I'm telling you, unless you sit me down and force me to watch it with you, I will find a way to not find the time.' Lucy grinned as she flicked her fag butt far enough to land right by the edge of the canal; her furthest flick yet.

'Fine, you busy tomorrow evening? I don't live far away and have a huge TV set up in my room. Come over whenever you're free and the binge watching shall begin.' He grinned at her.

It was then that she knew. That grin was what made her pulse quicken. She smiled back at him, standing alongside him to give each other the hug that symbolised the end of their hang out. She loved how his arms could hold her so tightly against him, how small he made her feel.

Lucy turned to stare at Laxus as he landed behind her, and immediately gave him her already lit cigarette.

'She was definitely cheating on me. I found the messages. My lacrima was still linked to hers and I looked, like an idiot. I had a feeling but…' Lucy pulled him tight into a hug, rubbing her hands up and down his back as he shook slightly.

'Hey, you're ok… come on. Let's go down to my flat and watch something. Found a funny show that should take your mind off things.' He let her lead him down the stairs and into her flat. He almost collapsed on the edge of her bed. 'Shoes off big guy. Under the covers, we're gonna snuggle. It's your turn to use me as a pillow now.' She climbed into the bed and plumped her pillows up so she could sit almost upright, her portable light TV sitting ready on the mattress.

Laxus rested his head against her shoulder, as Lucy's arm circled around his neck. It had taken a few nights of awkwardly binge watching The Fallen for Laxus to just pull her till she was comfortably nestled against his bare chest.

He refused to wear more clothes than necessary in his home, and the first night she'd used him as a pillow, she could barely remember what had happened on what had become her favourite show.

One side of her face was pressed against his silky smooth skin. All she could hear was his heart slowly beating in his chest. Eventually, they cuddled so close together their legs were tangled, and her hand would unconsciously start trailing over his chest or stomach as her eyes were glued to the screen.

Now though, he needed to be held. So Lucy held him. They stayed up till nearly morning, enjoying the show she'd managed to find.

When it ended, Laxus groaned as he started to get up, but Lucy wouldn't release him.

'Stay. It's alright, I don't mind. It's late. Let's just sleep.' Her whispered words were accompanied by a yawn. He nodded, gently placing her portable light TV on the floor beside the bed, before they cuddled together beneath the blankets.

It was then that Lucy realised how close they were. His arms encircled her waist, pulling her tight to his chest. Their legs were intertwined. She couldn't resist gently rubbing her cold feet against his legs. Her arm started aching from how she lay, so she gently broke from his grip to turn and face him. Blinking groggily, she saw his eyes were wide open and locked on her.

She smiled as she let one arm drape over his waist and huddled against his chest.

She couldn't remember who started kissing who first. The next thing she knew, his hands were pulling her towards him, and his lips and tongue roamed her mouth. She gasped as his hand reached down and roughly gripped her ass, and lifted her hands to grip tightly onto his short hair.

Despite what everyone thought about her, she was not a virgin. She'd had one night stands. This though, was important to her. His fingertips left goosebumps along her skin, and his gasp as she lightly scratched down his back left her moaning.

Slowly, the frenzy quieted. The kiss slowed. They were left holding one another's faces, panting. Lucy licked her lips before shakily whispering.

'So… what now.' Laxus blinked, laughing lightly under his breath.

'I don't know.'

It took another week of their binge watching evenings, before they finally kissed again.

The frenzied touches didn't stop. The need to be closer to one another became so strong, within seconds their clothes were gone. His tongue touched every part of her. Her hands roamed across his muscles, relishing in the feeling as they tightened when she nipped at his ear. She could barely control herself as Laxus finally entered her. Her moan was cut off by his lips as he slowly pounded into her, building up his speed till all she could do was cling onto him; trying to hold in her screams. His hands touched every part of her, caressing her face, her breasts, her ribs, her legs.

When they finally finished together, he pulled her back against his chest, his thumb tracing small circles across her stomach as they tried to catch their breath.

'Wow.' Her voice was barely a whisper, but she relished in the chuckle that vibrated across her back.

'Yeah, you can say that again.' She moved her hand till her fingers were interlocked with his, smiling as his hand tightened in hers.

'So…now what do we do.'

'I don't know. I like you a lot. But you know I'm leaving in a month.' Lucy's jaw and hand clenched tightly. She suddenly felt sick as her stomach turned.

'I know… but I like you a lot too.'

'Lucy… I can't do long distance. I told you about the last time I had to do it. I will not put you through that. I'm an ass at the best of times, but I just can't handle not having… this,' he tightened his hold on her body. 'I need to have this. Touching. Contact. It's just… too hard.' Lucy bit her lip.

'Please… just think about it. I'm going on a mission in a couple days for a week. I really like you Laxus, more than I've liked anyone for a really long time. You… terrify me, at the same time as making me feel so safe, and warm when you hug me. I really want you to consider a relationship with me.' She turned in his arms and rested one hand against his stubbled cheek. 'I would rather regret something I tried, than regret something I never did.' They stared at each other for a few moments, before he nodded.

She looked at the messages he'd sent. She desperately focused on calming her breathing, to not disturb the sleeping Gray and Happy. Natsu had been knocked out and Erza was reading her book.

She blinked as tears rapidly started falling into her lap.

That was it.

They couldn't be together.

She couldn't blame him. She knew he was as devastated as she was. He'd even sought advice from his team, the same way she had confided in Erza about her feelings for him.

They both agreed. If they had become as close as they were a lot earlier, and the relationship wasn't so new and fragile, they would have attempted long distance. As it was, she didn't know if she would ever see him again in a month.

Her heart seized as she covered up a sob with a sniff.

She could feel the panic attack approaching. She'd desperately pulled up her hood to hide the tears that were free falling from her cheeks.

She'd never cried silently before then.

Internally she was screaming. Sobbing. Wailing.

But tears were silently streaming down her face. She couldn't even make a noise.

Lucy was not an overly dramatic person when it came to love. She had never given it a second thought after her one and only relationship had failed. But she knew then. This was true devastation. Her heart had been shattered. She'd given it away and could never get it back. She didn't want it back.

She couldn't blame him for rejecting their relationship. He had experienced the hardships long distance gave. She was naïve to that. He had only broken free of his other relationship five months ago. Despite how he felt for her, he was obviously still recovering from that slightly. She wasn't a rebound; they were just the right people who had fallen in love at the wrong time.

That last month, she spent as much time with Laxus as she could. Despite the rejection, she refused to stop being with him.

They slept together more often than not. Talked every day.

Then, the day finally arrived when he would be leaving.

She even went and helped him pack.

She had numbed herself for this day. Had prepared for it ever since her initial attraction to the slayer had grown into a crush.

Everyone knew he was getting prepared for a 100 year mission. The entire guild had counted down the days. They had partied hard last night as a farewell.

Now, she walked beside him, carrying his bag.

'I'm going to miss you.' She could barely whisper to him as he gently took the bag from her weak fingers.

He pulled her into his chest, giving her the tightest hug he could.

Those arms. They always made her feel safe. Warm. Happy. His hugs made her smile down to her soul. She had never met anyone who could make her so completely happy with just a would she feel that again?

'I'll miss you too.' His breath quietly brushed her ear.

She clenched her jaw and pulled him even tighter against her, before slowly loosening her grip and letting her arms fall heavily to her side.

She smiled up at him, as he gave her that cheeky grin… the same one that made her notice him the first time they met.

'Bye, Lucy.'