The five boys were gathered around a makeshift demon summoning circle when Stan finally decided to speak up.

"Are we really going to summon a demon just to get out of reading The Scarlet Letter?"

Kyle turned to him. "Gideon said that this demon helped him before, and he seems like a real psychic. Besides, it's a relatively small task, so we won't have to pay too much."

"Pay? What the fuck? Nobody told me we had to give anything in return!" Cartman yelled.

Before anyone could respond, Cartman's mom peeked down the stairs at the group. "Do you boys need any snacks or anything?"

"NOT NOW MOM! WE'RE SUMMONING A FUCKING DEMON SO WE DON'T HAVE TO READ THE GODDAMN SCARLET LETTER!"

"Okay sweetie, you kids have fun. Let me know if you need anything."

With that, the door closed, and they resumed the summoning preparation. Gideon finally lit the candles around the circle and stepped back with the other kids, declaring it ready. He began reading the necessary chants to summon Bill Cipher. The room darkened and smoke billowed around the circle.

"Wͩ̄ͩ̄͆̅̚҉̶̠͈̥͎̦h̡̻̭̘̎ͣ̏̈̓ͮ̀͜o̴̗̫̘̙̿̈̋͡ ̸͐̀ͧ͂̍ͮ̎̐҉̠͚̞d̝̹̩̠̬̻̽̋͐̓̊̊͜͞ą̡̼͓̝̀ͨ̓̍̌̉͐ͭ̍r̩̭̫͕̱̬ͧ̋̆ͥ͗͑̍̊ͨ͘ȩ̲̝̹̅̈ͣ̆̾̓̔ͩ̀͞ş̷͙͕̭͔͙̳̯̼͆̄͜ͅ ̷̫̰͚͕̦̑́̀́s̜̟͓̲̭̯͎̒ͬͥ̂ͣͦͩu̴̡͓̦̥̽ͦm̡̗̺̗̦̪͓ͯͧ͢ͅm̵͙̠̻̱̲̜̐̂̓̋̊ͯ͞ͅȍ̷̥͎͎̙̣ͫͫ̍n̛̬̩̜ͭ͐͝ ̸̠̲̟̌̽̎ͦͅ-̸͔͍͔̠̼̙̝̳̻͊̇̾ͤ́̚͠"

The figure in the circle was cut off by the sight of the children. Children… the one group he was always easier on. And what a beautiful gathering of kids this was. The smoke cleared and revealed a much more humanoid figure than expected. Gideon was the only one surprised. "What is going on? I thought I set everything up for Bill Cipher! Who are you?"

Alcor was shocked to see Gideon here, so far from Oregon. He decided it would be best to not acknowledge this since if he were recognized, then Gideon could control him using his real name. He went on in a softer, less demonic voice. "Bill is no longer around. I am Alcor, and I can do deals for you in his place. What is it that you summoned me for, children?"

It was Kyle that answered this time, gesturing towards the pile of snacks in the corner. "We have offerings of all these Cheesy Poofs –"

Kyle was cut off as Cartman ran up towards him and got all up in his business. "YOU SAID THOSE WERE FOR SNACKS! I'm not giving up my Cheesy Poofs to this butthole!"

"But Cartman, if you don't, then we'll have to read The Scarlet Letter! Don't you understand that book is going to suck?!" Stan replied.

Kyle agreed, since he just knew that The Scarlet Letter would absolutely suck donkey balls. Nobody in their right mind would read such a book. "Yeah, shut up and give him the Cheesy Poofs fatass, I don't want to rea-"

"I AM NOT FAT YOU FUCKING JEW!"

Alcor was watching with amusement until he heard that last word. Having been a Jew while still human, he took offense at Cartman's negative implications about them. "D̮͎̠͕͖͟o̫̦̟̯̕ͅ y̝̬̥̠͘o̻͕̘͙̲͚͍͢u̶͔̯͉͎͇̥ ̕h̡̘̪̼͉̯͔̭a͡v̤̻̹e̝͈͉͓̖̞̮͞ ̷̲̱̫̹ą ̸̮̳p͙̺̦r̩͎͉o̙̯̤̣̱̮͕͠b̶̲l̢̰͇͎͉͕em̵ w̼͞i͟t̮h̩̰̗̥̬̞̬ ̤̠̘̯J̯̻͖̱͓͜e̵͓̺͖̥w̸̯̥̖͓͍̥s̶̺̯͉̫͚,̘̭ ̖͕̳̫l̜̭͉̠̖̳í̳t͏͍̞͈t̴͔͕̦̯̠͙̬l͔e̻͕̺ b͖̗oy͔̟?̗͓̦̻͞"

"You bet I fuckin' do! Cheap Jews like Kyle need to be EXTERMINATED!"

This response surprised Alcor. Despite being a fledgling demon, he had seen his share of insane cultists during summonings, but this boy was on a different level. Unfortunately for Alcor, Cartman continued.

"Why does that bother you? Are you a fuckin' Jew too? That would make sense, considering how much shit you need in return for deals!"

Alcor was unable to hide the shame on his face. He thought of Mabel, Grunkle Stan, his parents – his family… all Jewish as well. Grunkle Stan was also cheap. He failed to prevent a shimmering, golden tear from streaming down his face. The tear did not go unnoticed by Cartman, but the worst part was the recognition that flashed across Gideon's face. "You! You're Dipper Pines! But how? Doesn't matter! I know your true name, so you are at my mercy!" He began pointing and laughing at Alcor really, really hard, to the point he peed his pants a little bit.

While Gideon was having his little moment, Cartman decided he needed to consume the tears of unfathomable sadness. He climbed up onto Alcor's lap and began eagerly lapping up his now freely flowing tears with his tongue.

Alcor felt his power seeping out of him due to the combination of his nemesis Gideon using his real name, and since a lot of his energy was leaving through his tears. This was a situation he never could have prepared for, and it was proving to be his undoing. His form faded away with the last of his tears, his power going right into Cartman.

Everyone stood there shocked, and then Kyle looked pretty pissed off. "Good going fatasses, you ruined our only hope of not having to read that faggy novel!"

As always, calling Cartman fat was a big mistake, but this time it could not be a more severe one. "S̳͎͙̬̩͚̮ͤ̌̐̚͟T͖͈̣͓̒͋͂́̋́O͈̽ͨͤͮ͝P̰̰ ͂͛̿͂́C̤͎̕AL̛͙͍̒͗ͮͥ̒L͈̘̣̫̖͈͒ͩͯͪ͆ͅIN̴̹̙̮̖̖͇G͉̜̎ ̙͈̣̲̦͉̺ͥͯ͜M̩̲̹E̘̙̙͒͑ͣ̎̌̚ ̠͕͍͚̱̞͔ͯ̋͛̕F̳̬͎̏͐A̝͖̱ͭͨ̇͗̀̊̀͜T̤̬͙͙̗̯͒ͥ̈ͤ̄͠ ̈́̾̽̌ͦ̆Ý͗ͯ͋͛ͪͭO͍̥̬̤̻̫ͯͮ̚U̠̮̱͛̀ ̨̻̦̋͛ͅS̗͓ͤ͋̉̀T̤͓U̥̼̍ͩ̅ͣ̓P͕̣͉̙̮̦̳I̓͛̿ͮ͏̳͈̮͇̥D͇̟̼̠͕̻͑̀̒̈̆̉̏ ̧̞̝̫̦̜͛ͬ͌͑̏̃̄J̜̳ͯ̊̀ͧ̚E̡̖̝̜͉̟̥͙̽̂W̠̃̿͗̊̋̄!̀̋ͩͤ͗̎̚͡!̭̩̲̣̭!̟̞̜" The walls shook with his voice and he was floating in the air, causing everyone to take an unsteady step back. "You ͢guys͏! ̶M̡y ͏vo̧iće͟ sounds̀ ́sơ c̶o̵ol̛ n͡o̶w!"

Gideon, having the most experience with the supernatural, figured it out first. "You… you absorbed his powers! Do you know how to use them yet?"

"N͡o,̴ an̕d̛ m̸y͠ a̡ss it͘ćhęs. ̀I͢ mi͞gh̡t̷ ͘a̢c͘c̸ìd͠e̢nta͠ļly ̕unle҉ash ͞th҉e̷ ͜p͢ļa̶g̴u͡e̡ u͟nl̷ess͘ ̴K͞yle ̛scr͢a͢t̛cḩes ̧i̵t̡ f̨or͝ me͝."

Kyle's face scrunched up in disgust, but Cartman's new black and gold eyes unnerved him to no end so he went to obey… and promptly got farted on. "GODDAMN IT CARTMAN!"

With this all going on, nobody noticed the repeated thudding sound coming from outside.

Cartman started laughing hard enough to double him over. "Oh ma̢n,͞ ҉be̕i̛ng̢ a͞ ͝demon̛ is̷ awe̕so͢m̵ȩ! I̡ ͢c̷ould d̕o̕ ̴th̢i̴s ̴a̡ll͠ day̴!͠ " After his laughter subsided, he came to a grave realization. "H̶ow d̛id ̢I k̛n̴o̧w̨ ͡I wa̢s a ̶dęmon?͢ ͡ÓH̴ MY ́GOD͡ YO̧U ͠GU̶Y̧S̨,̢ ͠I ͡TH̛I̸N͘K҉ ̵I ̀KNO͞W ͝EVER̨YTH͟ING̵ ̵NOẀ!̢!"

"What? How is this possible?" Stan inquired.

"I do̧n͜'t ̷kno͘w! I ̀juşt thi͡nk̸ ab̸ou̶t͟ som̶et͡hin͞g͏ an͜d͘ s̶ud̨d͢en͝ly I kn̶ow ͝àll ábou̢t̨ i̸t̨!͠"

At that moment, something loudly splatted against the basement window.

"Mppphhhh mmppphhhh mmm?" Kenny asked.

Stan nodded in agreement. "Yeah, we should go see what's been happening outside…"