For 2013's April Fools Day
The Really Big Bang and what happened after….
She was floating in space … and in time. In the cosmos, in matter and antimatter, in seconds and eons, in the past and in the future she floated, or drifted – she just was. Her name was Gravity, and in her o-so-humble opinion it was the best name there could be. She had another name, Force, but there were so many other Forces in the galaxy, like her aunty Friction or her little cousins Tension and Resistance. Over all the years of existence she could not fathom, why did all those people call her The Force? One of her sisters was even jealous of Gravity, thinking why only she should be acknowledged. Gravity had not found an answer to that question either.
Many people thought she had a Light Side and a Dark Side, but she found that absurd. How could the tendency of matter with grater mass attract matter with lesser mass be Light or Dark? No, in her opinion there was only the Ouch Side and the Kewl Side, nothing else to it. Oh and the Ouch but Kewl Side, she forgot that.
In human terms it was the thirteen-billionth year after the Battle of Yavin and technology had become almost unreal in its complexity. Entire planets were fitted with giant superlasers, shield generators, sublight and hyper drives, and moon-sized hangars. Yet, the human race, and many others, had retained their basic functions. They all walked, and talked, and ate. It was a stellar mix of technology, ingenuity and nature. Yet all those stupid humans could not leave well enough alone. The Sith were yet-again attempting to takeover and rule the galaxy, and the Jedi were yet-again fighting against them.
Gravity would have lost count how many times this happened, but luckily she had a good memory and by her humble count it was the 25 • 13e+6 – 389th time. She was glad that she was not a corporeal entity, otherwise her head might have imploded. As it was, her patience was about to.
"At an end, your rule is, Darth Moronous!" yelled one Jedi on one of the planets, "Defeat you I shall, and the Dark Side ONCE AND FOR ALL!" Gravity just moaned, she had heard those same words … so … many … times! And look where it had gotten the Galaxy?
"As a matter of fact," hissed the black-dressed figure with the words "EVIL JERK" printed on his chest, "I was about to show you the true power of the Force, my little green friend…" Gravity had had enough, oh she would show him the true power of the Force. Just as the stereotypical villain prepared to shoot lightning – which was as a matter of fact, Niece Electricity's domain – at the equally stereotypically unprepared Yoda-lookalike Jedi Grand Master, an apple fell on Darth Moronous' head.
There was a rather big problem however, though it really depends on your point of view as to how big. You see, the hall where the epic duel was to take place was covered by a transparent dome, so the apple had to obtain the necessary acceleration to smash a neat whole before it could pass through. At such velocities it not only penetrated the dome, but the bonk on the head turned into a oops, you're dead moment.
The Jedi Grand Master, Gravity thought his name was Koda… Quoda… never mind, chuckled in his raspy old voice, "Frail I look yes, but my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is…." Then something began to happen to the poor Jedi, his body increased in weight, his ears were pulled inexorably toward the floor and he nearly toppled over. Upon righting himself and emitting a grunt he came to discover that cracks were forming in the floor beneath him. "Good this-is-noooooooooot!"
Pity that, Gravity snickered, for the Jedi Master had doubled a regular human's terminal velocity and was probably a little green puddle somewhere below, pity that….
Concurrently, on a planet of lava, ash and extreme heat as well as poor visibility there fought two Jedi, a pupil in black synth-leather and his master in browns and creams. Both held blue bladed lightsabers and both were attempting to donk the other on the head with theirs.
"Anaqin!" shouted the master, "Senator Bonkerstine is evil!"
"From my point of view, Obi-Tuu, the Jedi are evil!" In utter frustration Gravity caused a star to go nova, when … would … they … all … learn!
Some intense fighting followed, with the two combatants doing the obligatory acrobatics, fancy swordplay as well as the angry and heartbroken – respectively – expressions. Then the older one had more than enough. He disengaged from a saber lock, back flipped landed on the bank. "Anaqin, I have the high-ground – again! Don't try it..." perhaps he was not as far gone as Gravity thought, he at least recognised that his foolish student would end up sliced to pieces.
"You underestimate my power!" Power? What power? The only power that Anaqin Skystroller had, so far as Gravity knew, was the Supercell double-A battery in his left cybernetic arm. Still, the countless millennia in no way enlightened the younger generations that their masters usually beat them in the end. The brash, newly minted Sith jumped … and promptly had his right arm and legs severed.
"You were the Chosen … eight-hundred-and-fifty-one! It was said you would destroy the Sith, not join them! Bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!"
That was another thing that Gravity could not understand. Why did the Jedi always rely on her Chosen Ones? She only chose hard-headed ones so that they could survive the deepest falls. That's what she used them fore, falling… ten … a hundred… a thousand stories. What else could someone be chosen for but a crash-test dummy?
As the other Sith Lord expired, and as the grieving Master picked up his fallen Padawan's lightsaber and walked away into the mists, a shuttle landed. In his cabin, a pleasant-looking fella of about seventy was startled to see that he had landed. Hurriedly he pulled on a black robe, set his face in an evil grin, looked in the mirror to assure himself that he looked evil enough and walked out to collect the burning remains of his new apprentice, Darth Redav. Carrying the limbless body inside he admired the black suit into which his prized weapon would be placed and considered whether he should add glitter.
Had she had a head, The Force would have started knocking it on something really hard. She was so tired of every tenth Sith Lord having mechanical breathing!
"How is Natmé, is she alright?" That … was … it! Gravity had officially had enough. That was the last straw that broke the camel's back. She could not take another "Nuke, I am your father" story. Not one more!
As her anger grew, so did the mass of every stellar object in the galaxy … in the entire universe. Stars began to pull in planets and moons, melting the life off of them when they got too close.
Black Holes began sucking everything in their vicinity and even further. In fact, to black holes, Bob and Rob – identical twins – got into a tug-a-war over a star system. Life was ending. Gravity vaguely heard her gramma telling her to stop, but she was furious and could not care less.
In slow-motion the spiral disk of the galaxy began to collapse, star by star winking out of existence.
Then came a moment when all was black. That moment lasted a long time in the mind of Gravity. First she was surprised that it all stopped. Then she was grumpy that she did not feel relieved when her vengeance was exacted. Then her anger drained away. And then she had the "What the heck have I done?" moment which was swiftly followed by, "Oooh crap!"
Just as she was about to rush to her parents and apologize, something happened. She looked at it and saw…. While the duels were taking place, a hotshot pilot was flying a W-Wing against a planet and managed to fire off a pair of proton torpedoes just before the Big Crush.
To civilization's great fortune, the torpedoes were not those flimsy Made in Corellia ones but the high-quality and extremely sturdy Made in JanFathal ones. Apparently those torpedoes were not crushed completely, but just enough for their warheads to depress.
One relatively weak explosion caused a not-quite-crushed fuel cell to go off. Then an oven followed suit. Soon the boom reached the HE stores and before Gravity knew it, the whole universe was engulfed in secondary explosions left, right and centre.
All would have still ended badly had a convenient belt of volatile debris not acted as a fuse and set off an entire sector of raydonium. Gravity remembered how long ago, a Venator-Class Star Destroyeer full of the stuff exploded … an entire sector's worth of it – well that was one big bang, one Really Big Bang….
Eons passed, and no one disturbed Gravity while the new universe began to form. Stars shone brightly and hunks of rock formed planets and still the Forces watched.
One day, Gravity's good sister, Velocity, came by to see how things were.
"Vel, is it just me, or is it really boring to look at the primitive human civilization for thousands upon thousands of years?"
"Blame it on yourself sis! It's your mess, you fix it!"
For another two centuries gravity pondered these thoughts until a metaphorical light bulb went off when the first movie was filmed. And so it was that gravity conspired against a certain earthling in the nineteen-seventies, he fell, nocked his head on the toilet, and the idea for Star Wars was born.
"So sis," Vel said to Gravity one day around twenty-thirteen, "It's been thirty-six years since your films started and nothing's happened. What did you plan to accomplish?"
Gravity smiled mysteriously, "I was hoping that one of those half-baked earthlings would start floating rocks with their mind so things can start all over again… don't worry Vel, it'll take time, but it'll happen, it'll happen…."
And so it did. Sometime circa the twenty-eighth century a little boy ran over to his parents shouting, "Mommy, Daddy, look what I can do!" and unbeknownst to the inhabitants of Early Tython, the Rakata were somewhere out there, planting star maps, enslaving aliens and building a Star Forge…
The End… well, not really, but yeah, you know, yours truly, Velocity.
Don't know about you, but sounds plausible to me