So I died…
I know people always say it isn't their fault that they died, and it was because of someone else's negligence that caused it, but, in my case, I'd say it truly wasn't my fault.
There I was, minding my own business snowmobiling in the ditch, paying attention to the signs on the trail, when I saw this car speed up and switch to the other lane to pass another car which I figured was whatever, because people pass each other all the time.
Then, I noticed that there was this other car already in the lane heading in the opposite direction of the car that was passing. Now, you'd think that the passing car would just slow down and go back into his lane, but no, the dumbass got scared or something and swerved for the ditch. My ditch.
So, there I was driving my 400-pound rig facing up against a two-ton rusty pile of shit.
And you know what I did?
"Oh fuck me," I said.
And then crunch.
Or splat. I don't know, it felt pretty much instant to me.
That was pretty interesting, I guess.
After a while I woke up to myself standing at a podium. In front of me was this long-bearded old guy with a halo, and a red-skinned dude with some wicked horns protruding out of his skull standing behind a table. Behind them were a couple doors.
They were both just casually chatting.
"Eh, you want him? He didn't sin enough to go to hell," Hell-boy's younger cousin said.
The old man shook his head. "He didn't go to church as much as he should have."
They both shrugged as they each pressed a little brown button in front of them.
"Another one sent off to the cosmos," they both said.
A trap door opened below me, and I fell before I could get a word in myself.
I drifted for a while in this endless abyss of darkness.
It was pretty boring, but I was still able to breathe, so that was kind of neat.
After a few minutes that tasted like hours but smelled like gunpowder, everything flashed a bright white.
And God saw it, and he said "neato." Or something along those lines.
I blinked, because ow, those are my eyeballs it's offending right now.
Then I heard a pop and I looked down to the offending noise and I saw that it was me. I went pop. And normally I don't make that kind of noise, so that was weird.
Then came a rush of movement and vertigo, and my eyes fixed themselves to see a whole myriad of colors. Like brown and green, and fog. Interesting color that fog.
My attention returned to the noises happening to my right, and I felt my head turn by itself.
"Damn you Stormcloaks. Skyrim was fine until you came along. Empire was nice and lazy. If they hadn't been looking for you, I could've stolen that horse and been half way to Hammerfell," my mouth said, which was interesting, because I've never tried stealing a horse before, let alone ride one.
My head turned to look at this white-haired chick with bright blood-red eyes. "You there. You and me – we shouldn't be here. It's these Stormcloaks the Empire wants."
The guy on my right dressed in blue who looked like he cast to play the character of Thor said, "We're all brothers and sisters in binds now, thief."
"Shut up back there!" The soldier driving the cart said.
You know, I think I know where I am now, which kind of sucks, because this guy I'm currently residing in really has a penchant for being penetrated. By arrows that is.
And I'm straight! I don't want anything to do with that kind of romantics!
My head turned again, and words vomited out of my mouth. "And what's wrong with him?" I asked about the guy who had a thing for being gagged in public.
"Watch your tongue!" Chris Hemsworth scolded. "You're speaking to Ulfric Stormcloak, the true High King."
Hah, no one can beat the exhibitionist at getting blazed.
Okay, enough of this childness, I'm getting sick of these words coming out of my mouth when I haven't even thought them.
I gave a strong shake to my head, cutting off any words my mouth was about to spew.
I looked back to the hot chick with the white hair and said to her, "Before you go to Whiterun, go get the Dragonstone from Bleak fall barrows, cuz that'll save a ton of time off for you. Also, craft and drink Fortify Enchanting potions to enchant items with Fortify Alchemy, then make some more. Rinse and repeat till you feel like making Fortify Smithing potions to make some sweet-ass armor that'll let you become the next One Punch man. Or woman in your case."
She just looked at me with wide eyes.
"And yes, I'm assuming your gender, get over it."
With a snort she shook her head. "This ain't my first rodeo you know, I've put over 2000 hours into this game." Then she squinted at me and said, "You know, ROB didn't tell me he was putting anyone else here with me."
I was about to respond, but I was interrupted by scruffy Chris. "Hey, what village are you from, horse thief?"
I glanced at him and replied with a deep voice, "Murica! Fuck Yeah!"
The girl just giggled as Thor looked at me funnily.
We entered the gates as the soldier said "General Tullius, sir! The headsman is waiting!"
"Good," the cunt replied. "Let's get this over with."
I'm a Stormcloak kind of guy myself. Freedom Fighters all the way!
"Look at him, General Tullius the Military Governor," Hemsworth said, delivering some backstory to the tutorial. "And it looks like the Thalmor are with him. Damn elves. I bet they had something to do with this."
I just nodded my head along.
"This is Helgen," he continued. "I used to be sweet on a girl from here. Wonder if Vilod is still making that mead with juniper berries mixed in. Funny… when I was a boy, Imperial walls and towers used to make me feel so safe."
"Who are they, daddy?" I heard. "Where are they going?"
"You need to go inside, little cub," an older voice replied.
"Why? I want to watch the soldiers."
Wow, that kid watched way too much Game of Thrones to want to see an actual beheading in real life.
"Inside the house. Now."
The cart finally came to a stop, and Thor said, "Let's go; shouldn't keep the gods waiting on us."
I shrugged and hopped off the cart, my back finally feeling some sweet release.
"Let's go, one at a time!" The lady with a crab up her pants ordered.
"The Empire love their damn lists," Chris muttered.
"Ulfric Stormcloak, Jarl of Windhelm," the man who looks like he couldn't grow a beard said.
"It has been an honor, Jarl Ulfric."
"Ralof of Riverwood," the man continued, scratching a line across the book in his hand.
"Lokir of Rorikstead."
When this name was said, I felt a jolt in my body.
I turned to the chick and whispered to her, "You know, for some reason my body really wants to go for a jog right now."
She looked at me incredulously. "You're joking right? You're going to get shot down!"
I gave a shrug. "I'll try and fight it, but the Dungeon Master really doesn't like his introduction to play differently than what he wrote it."
I slowly walked towards the line, my body trying to fight me every inch of the way.
"Wait you there, step forward," I heard from behind me which, I found interesting, so I turned my head to look behind me.
I saw the girl step forward to the name taker. "Who, are you?"
She stood there for a few seconds, then her breasts and her butt just suddenly grew a few sizes and my jaw dropped.
She muttered a few words, then the man replied, "You picked a bad time to come to Skyrim, kinswoman."
He looked to the woman right next to him. "Captain, what do we do? She's not on the list."
"Forget the list," she replied. "She goes to the block."
He nodded. "By your orders captain." He looked back to the girl. "I'm sorry. At least you'll die here, in your homeland. Follow the Captain, prisoner."
She walked up in line next to me.
"Did you really just make your boobs bigger," I whispered incredulously.
She shrugged and gave me a smile, "Can you really blame me?"
I chuckled. "Guess not."
General Tullius walked up to Ulfric and spoke to him.
Knowing the script already, I decided to continue chatting up the girl.
"You know, I might've screwed up your chances to live," I told her.
She raised an eyebrow in confusion. "How so?"
"I didn't die," I responded eloquently.
Her mouth and eyes opened in shock.
"I'll try to stall for you," I said with a smile. As I said this my body was still shaking and trying to fight my control. I could feel myself weakening.
She gave me a smile in gratitude. "Thanks," she replied.
A distant roar sounded out through the air.
"What was that," someone asked.
"It's nothing," Tullius replied with a shake of his head. "Carry on."
"Yes, General Tullius!" The Captain replied. She turned to the woman garbed in a yellow robe. "Give them their last rites."
The woman started her sermon, but a prisoner on my right interrupted her. "For the love of Talos, shut up and get this over with."
"Whoa man," I said. "Personally, I wanna hear this."
"Fuck off," he replied abrasively. "You can hear it when it's your turn."
I shook my head. "Whatever, your funeral."
The Priestess looked towards me. "I'll give you your blessings before you go to the block."
I nodded my head. "'Kay."
She just looked at me strangely.
"Come on, I haven't got all morning," The man yelled as he walked up to the block.
With a nod to the headsman, the Captain put the prisoner down onto the block.
"My ancestors are smiling on me Imperials, can you say the same," the prisoner gave his last words.
The axe came down with a whistle.
I averted my eyes towards the girl on my left. She continued to watch as the axe ringed along with the sound of a wet plop.
"You Imperial bastards!" A woman cried.
"Justice!"
"Death to the Stormcloaks!"
"As fearless in death, as he was in life," Thor said to my right.
The Captain pointed at the girl next to me and ordered, "next, the girl in the rags!"
Another roar sounded, closer this time.
"There it is again; did you hear that?" The man who scratched off our names wondered.
"I said, next prisoner!"
He looked towards the girl. "To the block prisoner, Nice and easy."
She slowly walked up to the block and placed her head facing me, worry evident on her face.
I shifted around anxiously, wondering if Alduin, the cause of the roars, would show up.
The axe began to rise.
I shifted around some more.
Just as he was about to swing, I interrupted.
"You know what I like to do early in the morning?" I asked of everyone.
Everyone just blinked at me.
"What?" The name-scratcher asked.
"Go for a run."
The girl looked at me with shock. "No," She whispered.
And with that, I finally let go of my control over this body.
My body shuddered, then took off onto the path the carts took to arrive at the courtyard.
"Archers!" I heard from behind me.
The sound of wood being stressed then released brought forth whistles in the air.
I felt multiple sharp pains in my back and legs as I tumbled to the ground.
As I laid upon the cold, moist ground I muttered, "It's a shame that this body didn't share my opinions on the comfort of women."
I wetly chuckled.
"Anyone else feel like running?"
My vision went dark.
I awoke again to the dark abyss.
"Round 2?" I asked.
The abyss replied with a flash.
My vision and body spun, till I found myself sitting at a long desk surrounded by children.
At the front of the room was a man with a scar across his nose, wearing a headband with a metal plate attached afront it.
That headband had a symbol that shown a spiral and a little triangle attached to the bottom left corner.
The man looked at all of us and said, "today, I'm going to teach you all how to unlock your chakra."
Multiple cries of joy resounded throughout the room.
I smiled.
"Neato," I replied.
Disclaimer: I own none of the main stories where this fic presides in, or else I wouldn't be here writing fanfic.
AN: Yeah, I don't really like writing introductions for stories. I'd almost call the intro a crackfic, but I've never done crack before.
Though to be fair, and let me get under my table before you throw things at me, This Bites! didn't have the greatest introductions, despite its successful following. Not that I don't like This Bites!, I'm just saying.
Also, if you guys want to write fanfics about ideas you get from my story, go write (lol) ahead, just I ask of you to pm me your story title, so I can check it out, because I'd love to read further continuations of my mini ideas.
In all seriousness, don't take this too seriously, because I'm neither black nor have a young nephew who has a penchant for hurting people who don't have a nose. I'm mostly writing this as I go along at the moment and have no clue for future plans or when I'm gonna update.
Just an FYI, I don't plan on this being a constant universe jumping/planeswalker/multiverse kinda thing, just for the beginning few chapters.
I'll go ahead and sign myself off. -SimpleScholar