Today is April 17, 2009, a boring, gloomy, wet day. It's almost like a reflection of the mood I'm in, dark and gloomy. In the past three years of my high school life. I've fallen in love twice, and they always seem to break me. I bend for them to keep it all together, and it's always in vain.
"Pull yourself together Amy… nothing you've done goes in vain. You can make something of this." I encourage myself.
Sitting by Jock Rock during lunch alone to avoid my friend's questioning my rotten mood. I can hear Tanzi's jingling metal chains on her Tripp pants.
"Ameliah… what's up?" She questions softly.
I know she already can tell in my eyes what's happened. Tanzi and I have been friends for over five years. There's not much I can hide from her.
"I'm fucking sick of this all! So sick of putting my life out on the line all the time and getting my heart ripped out in the end! I…I don't want to feel….so used and abused…I just wanted….him…" I confessed.
She looked at me with utter pity of me. I knew she was already in an awkward position. Lucius was her brother. He had been my lover for a year and a half. The last half of our relationship was going down hill. As of lately…I guess he just couldn't stand it any more. So he broke it off.
"Ameliah…I know you loved him with all your heart. It was sickening to watch. Anyone could tell just by the way you two looked into each other's eyes. But sometimes… it's just not-"
"Don't you DARE say those words! Don't…." I cried out hoping to hold on the slightest hope. I knew from the beginning he was my soul mate. But lately it's seemed other wise. I just could not stand any more negativity.
"Ok…well… if it's meant to be Ameliah, you know he'll come around sometime and you two will be together again." She knew those were the exact words I wanted to hear.
I looked at her with agony…I wanted so badly for this all to be just a horrid dream, to wake up in the heat of July in a tent with Lucius by my side. Just like it was last summer. Reality is such a hard thing to accept.
"Come on. I know what you need. Let's skip today." She grabbed my hand and yanked me up off the ledge. We snuck out the side door of the building, dashed across the parking lot to her car. Oh baby! What a car she has! It's a 1967 blood red Shelby Mustang with black pin stripes. It's our baby. We spent hours during December in a freezing cold garage building the engine to this car. She got it from her grandparents for Halloween. This was our pride and joy, but today it's our scapegoat.
She tore out of the parking lot and on to the main road. I had not a clue where she was taking me, until she turned onto the highway. She was taking me to the Hillguard Cemetery. As odd as it may sound, it's not what you think it is. Hillguard Cemetery is a dance club. Xander Sryxz owns it. He's like our big brother, or more like my big brother. Xander and I had been close friends since our parents started working together at the down town Detention Facility in 1998. Though Xander's almost four years older than me, we've always understood each other. We even look as though we were related. Tanzi and Xander practically live at my house.
The car ride there was quiet, other than the stereo blaring Seether "Careless Whisper". I didn't want to talk about it, and I wasn't going to pretend it didn't bother me. So I sat there in the awkward silence we'd created and enjoyed the peace it brought to me.
When we pulled into the vacant parking lot of Hillguard Cemetery, there was a single car parked in the slot closest to the door. It was a 1978 metallic black Trans Am with a dark red, almost black, rose painted on the side of the car. Proof of how good his business was doing. Xander, Tanzi and I are the only ones with the keys to the club. During the week the club opens right after school gets out at three and closes at midnight. On the weekends the club is open from noon to four in the morning. It was in the middle of the day so the club wasn't even open, but Xander is almost always at the club putting in new music or making new music. One of the reasons the three of us get along so well is because music is our life. Music is the one thing we can drown ourselves in and always feel better about ourselves in the end. Other's go to casinos and bars and drown themselves with beer or alcohol to feel better. People come to Hillguard Cemetery to lose themselves in the trance music that Xander makes or finds.
Tanzi and I stepped out of the car and walked to the large, metal doors that looked as if the were the door to a coffin. Surly that's just what Xander had planned it to look like. I knocked on the door three times and waited. And sure enough the door was answered by a tall, handsome, burly man. About five feet and six inches tall, with a goatee, eyebrow and lip pierced, and seven piercings in his ears all together. He wore Tripp shorts with zombie stomping boots and a black vest with red trimming unbuttoned and nothing underneath.
"What a pleasure to see you two ladies here. And during school hours? How daring of you. And just to see little old me?!"
"Oh don't flatter yourself you brat. Ameliah just came for your music."
"Oh stop that you two. Hey Xander, missed me?" I asked making the most innocent look I could towards him. And it worked.
Xander opened his arms and pulled my in. It always felt like a sanctuary in his arms. Time stops when I'm there. The strong arms of his held me together as I felt like I was inches away from falling apart.
"Are you ok Ameliah?" He looked down at me with his concerned hazel eyes that seemed to look straight into my soul. "You're shaking."
I looked back into those gorgeous eyes, and with all the strength I could manage I said, "No. I need my fix, and don't let me go, or I'll fall apart." After that I couldn't help it anymore. A tear slipped out.
"Amy…baby come here! We'll get you your fix." And he led me inside to music heaven.
The doors slammed shut behind us. We walked into a pitch black room illuminated only by black lights and strobe lights of many colors. Fog machines were set up along the sides of the stage. Music was blaring, and I could instantly make out the band. It was Celldweller, and he was singing "Switchback". The band was introduced to me by my half brother Ramius. It's the perfect song to jam to, but not what my heart needed. I needed something to make my heart jump up and scream, "Hell yeah!! You can suck one 'cause I'm going to be fine without you! Looks like you're losing the best thing that's happened to you!" Something uplifting, that makes me feel like I'm a bad ass bitch! And Xander knows just the song. "Call me when you're sober" by Evanescence. It's dark and it hits my soul.
"How you feeling now? Look like you need to hit the dance floor." He winked at me and took my hand and walked me onto the dance floor. A variety of different colored strobe lights hit us as he stood behind me and rested his hands on my waist. I swayed my hips to the rhythm of the bass guitar. As the electric guitar entered I threw my hands in the air and lost myself in the music. I could feel Xander behind me. He turned me towards him and we rocked out to the last minute of the song. He smiled his cocky grin, saying he knew he did well. I smiled my mischievous grin right back at him, saying I was ready for anything. No one was going to get in my way now.
"Sorry to break up your telepathic party, but I believe it's my turn for my fix." Tanzi chimed in.
We strutted off the stage, and Xander was back behind his computer.
"Sorry Tanzi, but you aren't as easy to read as Amy. What you craving this time?"
"Well, I want something hard but smooth. Get what I'm saying?"
"Hmmm….let's try this. This seems like you." He smirked at her, and then winked at me.
Tanzi stepped onto the dance floor, and just then "Little Razorblade" by Pink Spiders came on. Tanzi smiled so big, her eyes disappeared and her cheeks looked as if they were painted bright pink. The song totally fit her and the place she stand in with men in her world. After a little bit, Xander and I stepped onto the dance floor with her. We swayed to the music and did a little head banging and swirls. Jumping up and down like the dorky friends we are. When the song was over we all fell on the floor laughing.
"You stepped on my feet like five times Amy! You need some dance lessons." Tanzi giggled out when she caught her breath, and punched me in the arm.
"Well maybe if you weren't flailing all over the place I might be able to avoid your humongous feet, you big foot monster!" I couldn't help but burst into laughter at the face she made. It was a cross between an "I can't believe you just said that" and "Oh you're dead!" Xander couldn't help it either. He fell over backwards holding his sides squealing.
"Shut up! My feet aren't that big!" She blushed
"Oh God... Stop it…. you're going to make….me pee…myself!!" I said between chuckles. Xander was next to me still giggling and starting to turn pink!
Three hours later Tanzi, Xander and I were sitting on the bar stools at the soda fountain.
"Ah, well I have to go home and get ready for work. Sorry Xander, but thanks so much for this." She turned to me. "You ready?"
Xander stood up with a worried look in his eyes.
"Wait…um I could take her home later…if she wants to stay." He looked back at me.
I hate it when people talk about me as if I'm not right there.
"Well…I guess I can stay. I have nothing to do. But, only under one condition." I love it when I am in control. "You have to let me drive the Trans AM." I threw my cocky grin at him. I knew I had already one; he couldn't say no to me and he never has been able to.
"Ah….ok, but you're buying the gas money then." He smiled his crooked grin. There was a hint of mischief behind his eyes. He was going to get me for this.
It's eight thirty at night, and I've been home for only twenty minutes, and my phone chimes. I have a text message, and I can only guess who it is.
From: Xander Sryxz
Hey what's up?
You doin anything tonight?
I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he wants me to sneak out with him tonight. So I text him back and think.
I have no plans if that's
what you're asking.
Xander and I have been friends for a long time, but he does understand me more than anyone ever has, including my parents. He's a gentle man, and…. Come to think about it, he's everything I've been looking for in a man! I think… I think…I'm actually crushing on Xander! Oh my God! What do I do? What am I thinking?! This is almost outrageous! Falling for your best friends, now that's just asking for drama... or is it?
From: Xander Sryxz
Well you wanna hang out?
I've got my car and I know
how you like to get out at night.
I knew it; he wants me to sneak out. My gut tells me I should go for it; it'll be fun, though ever nerve in my body is trembling. This is so weird!
Well ya, that'd be cool.
Where we going to go?
Why not give it a shot? Friends end up dating friends all the time, right? In fact, they usually end up having the greatest relationships than others. Xander is a great guy, and I think I might have a thing for him. Why not find out tonight if we can be or not?
From: Xander Sryxz
Well we can go where ever
you wanna go.
And I know just the place too. Hillguard Cemetery.
Twelve thirty in the morning, both of my parents in bed and asleep, and I'm gone! I slip out my window, leaving it open just enough so I can slip my fingers through to open it again. I slink along the side of the house to the drive way. Looking over my mother's Subaru, I can see Xander's Trans AM in the school parking lot across the street. He flashes his lights and I know then that it's him. Dashing across the street in the shadows, I avoid the cops patrolling the house constantly. Xander turns on his car, and I smile a cocky smile at hearing the purr of his engine. I've always loved his cars.
I open the side door and slide in, then gently close the door. He waits for me to buckle up. *Click* Then he puts it into gear and burns out of the parking lot and onto the street.
"Where to?" he questions with a smirk. Xander knows he should draw attention to us now, but thought it funny anyways.
"I think you know where I wanna go right now. Come on, you know me better than that."
"Oh really. We were just there. You sure you don't want to go anywhere else?"
"Look, I know you work there and all, but when do we really get to chill with everyone else that comes in?" I give him that pleading look that he can't resist giving into.
"Ugh! Why you always gotta do that to me?!" He gives me this glare, but I see that smile hiding behind his lips.
Just then my phone vibrated. I dig it out of the pocket of my jeans and look at the front cover. It is a text message from Tanzi.
From: Tanzi
Hey you still awake?
I text her back a bit confused.
Yeah, what's up?
I can expect she's just having trouble falling asleep. But something in my stomach tells me it's not anything normal.
From: Tanzi
It's Lucius… I can't find him.
I never told you the things he said to me
About you, cause I didn't want to upset
You anymore than you already were.
My heart leaped out of my chest as I read the message. He was talking about me?! So he still cared, or at least thought of me. Maybe….just maybe there's still something between us. I know in my heart that without a second thought, I would take Lucius back in a heartbeat. Then there's that worry. The worry that had always been there when Lucius was still living with his foster mother, for fear that he'd get hurt or never come home sometimes. And now he's missing again.
When was the last time
You saw him? And it's ok
that you didn't tell me. I
Understand.
I sit in the car as Xander drives slower than usual to the club. There's this awkward silence that drifts around the car. Xander knows his boundaries and lets it go without saying anything. You can see by his facial expressions that he's very curious as to what I'm texting and to whom.
From: Tanzi
When I got off work. He
Was at home. But he's been so
Depressed lately about you,
Talking about how he
Doesn't ever stand a chance with
You anymore since he fucked
Everything up already. I don't
Know what to do since he won't answer
My calls anymore. If I give you his
Cell number will you call him. Just
Talk to him, and I know you still love him,
Let him know that.
Talk to him?! My heart would burst out of my chest just at hearing the sound of his voice! And I wouldn't even know what to say even if I did call him!
What would I say!?
I haven't talked to him in 2
Months!! I wouldn't know what
To say. I can't just come right out
And say I love you! It'd be awkward.
I don't wanna ruin any chance I
Have at being with him again.
My heart was racing, because I know I'll have no choice but to call him. I need to make sure he's ok. He'll recognize my number I know, but if what Tanzi says is true, then he will answer it.
From: Tanzi
Ameliah! I need you to do this!
You and I both know how Lucius
Gets when he's depressed, I
Don't want to chance anything.
I know the only person that has
A chance at getting anything
Through his thick head is
You. Please do this.
I knew it from the start that I had to. I couldn't help it, I'd end up calling him sooner or later.
Ok. What's his #?
I waited in anticipation for the number.
"Why are you shaking? Is everything ok??" Xander looked as if he'd been going nuts just watching me text and not knowing who it was to or about. I giggled trying to make it sound silly, but it came out more as a nervous laugh.
"Yeah I'm fine." Saved by my vibrating phone, I looked away.
From: Tanzi
Thank you. It's 325-1478
Xander pulled into the parking lot of Hilltop Cemetery club. He turned the car off and sat there looking at me. I shot him a glance and got out of the car and dialed the number on my phone. I waited for the answer, running different scenarios through my head, good and bad ones.
"….hello? Why are you calling me?" He answered questioningly.
"Uh, hey there. How are you?" I answered feeling like an idiot.
"Did Tanzi have you call me? Is she there with you? God! I should've known. Look just let me be. Ok, I already feel like shit, I don't need your pity." He spit at me in frustration.
"No! Look, she gave me your number yeah, but I'm not calling on her behalf. Please just answer my one question…." I heard my voice crack several different times as I pleaded to him.
"…what is it?" He sounded interested and drawn in as if I were making him a deal.
"…I…I just wanted to know…about that promise you made me two and a half months ago. Do you remember it?" It was the only thing I could think to say to him. But it was true, I'd been wondering about it forever since we broke up.
He sighed. "Amy…Amy I…" He sighed again in defeat. I could hear him trying not to break down. "How can you still be interested in me after all I've put you through?! I don't deserve you Ameliah. You deserve better than me."
"No Lucius. I don't want anybody else, all I've ever wanted was you! I love you Lucius and only you. I always have. Nobody can make me as happy as you do, or send seductive chills down my spine with a simple kiss like you can. No one can give me the warm safe love I get when I'm simply in your arms with you holding me tight. No one can make me as fucking happy as you can. I love you!"
I didn't even try to stop my voice from cracking that time. I couldn't help but spill it all out to him. I probably won't have the chance to tell him any other time. I just held hope that I said the right things to him.
"God Amy! I'm so sorry…" I could hear him choking back tears. "I never wanted to hurt you; I never meant to…I love you to Ameliah. I truly do. I can only imagine a future with one girl, and that's you. You know what I was going through, and I hope you understand my reasoning behind it all. But how can you forgive all the shit I've put you through. That's just not fair-"
"Because I love you. All that matters is that we're together. That's all I care about. Everyone goes through something tough once in their relationships, and as long as we come out on top we are stronger. We've pulled through worse and you know this. Lucius…Tanzi is worried for you. Will you please go home, and I will come see you tomorrow after school. I promise you this."
There was a long silence on the other end, but I knew he was contemplating all the outcomes. Then there was a long sigh.
"I'm not far from home. Text her and tell her I'll just be outside on the porch. I hate it when she gets all 'mom' on me. I don't need her to do that. And Amy…I'm sorry…you know I do love you, with all my heart. Thank you for standing by me through everything…..I'm anxious to see you again…. Goodnight."
"Goodnight Lucius….I love you."
I waited till my phone lit up, indicating that he hung up. I slowly closed my phone and leaned against the car and slid to the ground.
"That was him wasn't it? So you guys cool now? Honestly Ameliah what is up with this? You're riding a freakin' emotional rollercoaster with this dude!" He sighed and sat down next to me.
"Amy, what is going on in that head of yours?"
Honestly, I really didn't know what I was thinking. It was so…so weird! It's as if I was doing everything my heart wanted me to do. I know I jumped head first into it all again, but it felt so right to say those words again. I know I meant them all, but I don't know if it was the right thing to do just yet. Though, when is there not a right time to say "I love you"?
"Xander, I have always loved Lucius, no matter what happens. There is nobody in the world I love more than him."
"But does Lucius love you?" He looked at me skeptically.
"I have not a single doubt in my mind that he does. If you were me, you'd see it too. When you look into his deep brown eyes and you see that longing that he has in them, every time he touches you, you can feel the tenderness he has for you. You might not see it only because you don't feel it like I do. Not all his love is expressed by his words. You can't express true love through words anyways! He shows it by the things he does." I was close to yelling, I was so emotional. I knew Lucius loved me with all his heart. He's been through some tough times lately, and people do some dumb things when they're under a lot of stress.
"Amy, I didn't mean it like that…or for it to come out like that. I just want to see you that depressed again. He caused you a lot of pain…I want you to be happy, and I know how happy he makes you…but I've also witnessed how sad he can make you as well." He looked at me with eyes full of concern and worry. I knew he meant well, and I also understood his words. Xander had been there for me the day me and Lucius started dating, he was also there the day Lucius dumped me. But the one thing Xander will never understand is how well I know my Lucius. I know when he means what he says, and I could hear as well as feel the hurt and pain in his voice when I'd called him. When Lucius is going through a rough day, my touch and my voice is the one thing that brings him happiness and hope. And it goes the same way for me. We understand each other more than anyone else can aside from our parents. This is why I believe Lucius' words.
"I know Xander…I know. But you don't understand Lucius the way I do!" I was pleading to him now. "You didn't hear the pain in his voice when he dumped me, and you didn't hear the anguish in his voice just now. I did, and I know exactly how he feels! 'Cause it's exactly how I feel without him…" I couldn't hold back my tears. The hurt and pain I felt knowing how upset Lucius was. He was upset with himself for loosing me, hoping it'd be for my own good, then trying to move on for himself, but failing because it was without me. The dreams we'd had about growing our futures together, and all the day dreaming of moving in together. All shattered when he tried to do it all without me. It was exactly what I was going through. Then now, knowing I completely understood his motives, but never agreed to them half in spite of my own heart and half in a tantrum for having to let him go. My heart yearned to have myself in his arms once again, to stay there and never leave his side. Yet I knew we had some talking to do before hand.
"I know Amy… I KNOW!! But you forget, I also happen to be a boy. I know how they think. I'm just worried about you."
I truly did understand, but when you get it from every angle you get irritated quickly when someone else brings it up again. I stood up off the ground and brushed myself off. Leaning on the car from emotional exhaustion I sighed, "Xander...I'm sorry; I didn't mean to flip out on you. I just get this from every angle from everybody. I do understand your concern, I really do."
Xander took a big breath and let out a defeated sigh. He knew I would always hold my ground when it came to talking about Lucius.
"I just hope he doesn't hurt you again…other than that, good luck." He gave me a skeptical look. I almost felt hurt by his words. As if Xander had no confidence in my decisions. Taken aback by his lack of confidence I shot him an indignant look. Realizing how his words affected me in an instant he stood up next to me and pulled me in. Through the muffling of his embrace I heard him say, "Ameliah…Ameliah…Ameliah! I love you so much, and you know this. From everything that's gone on between you two, you can't blame me for being a bit protective over my little sister's heart. He's hurt you once and that's enough for me to feel ambiguity towards Lucius. It's not you I doubt, it's him."
Still feeling irked by his words I couldn't help but argue on Lucius' behalf.
"Yeah, well if you have doubts about him then you doubt my judgment." Still resting my head against his chest not wanting to pull away , I glared into the night knowing he couldn't see me glaring. But my words gave him the picture anyway.
Xander pulled away, knowing he shouldn't push farther than he had tonight. Giving a half smile, he said with defeat, "Alright, now let's get you home. I think you could use some rest tonight, you look beat."
Awoken at 8am in the morning on a Saturday morning to the sound of "Addicted" by Saving Able, Tanzi's ringtone, I knew something was wrong.
"Um…hello?" I managed to say without my voice cracking.
"I know I woke you, but Lucius still isn't home." She said. I could hear the staining in her voice as she tried to keep it calm.
"What??!!" I replied sitting up in surprise. "But I called him and he said he was going to wait for you on your door step.
"Well he was there when I got home, but he said he was gonna go for a walk. And he never came home. I thought he might of left to go see you." She was close to tears now.
"And I'm sure you've called him then. Does it ring or just go straight to his voice mail??"
"It rings, but I know he doesn't wanna talk to me." Tears were flowing now.
"Ok, I'll make some calls. I'll let you know what I get." We said our goodbyes and I hung up and got ready for the day. After I got out of the shower I called Xander hoping he would wake up.
"Ameliah what are you doing calling so damn early?" He answered in his adorable morning voice.
"Um… Lucius isn't home. He was home when Tanzi got there, but left to go for a walk and he's still not home." I filled him in on some of the details and let him soak it up.
"I bet you he's with a friend. You got all his friends' numbers. Try them then call me. I'll get ready and I'll be over in a bit." I could hear the creak of his bed in the back ground.
"Thanks a ton. I'll see you in a bit." After hanging up I started on phoning the friends.
A half hour later, a strong knock came from the door. If I were in the ghetto I'd have thought it was the cops! As I walked past the bathroom, I stopped to make sure I looked presentable. Just as I saw my self in the mirror, a thought came to my mind. Since when did you care what you looked like when Xander comes over?? He's seen u in sweat pants and a baggy shirt before and you didn't care. Just as the thought ran through my mind, I righted myself and strode over to the door. "Hey you wasted no time getting-" Cut off by an intoxicating aroma, Ameliah took in the sweet smell. "Are you wearing cologne?"
"Um, yes I am. You like it? It's Claiborne." He replied with a smirk.
"I love Claiborne!!! It's my favorite smell of all Liz Claiborne's works...you've always known that though. Awwww you aren't wearing it for me are you?" She goaded.