Summary: Siren Call Post-Ep. Alex pushes herself back into work.
Pairing: Mike/Alex
Series: M/A series, sequel to Shadow (You only need to read the previous one to get this and then it's not completely necessary)
Spoilers: Siren Call & Blind Spot
Reviews: Yes, please. I need them to know what's good and what's bad.
Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just use it but I always put it back.
Shades of Gray
A giant ray of colours and a multitude of shades all in between. If life was shaped and looked like a light spectrum than she could be pretty sure that hers just had lots of different shades, all kind of meshing together and molding into the old black and white movies before technicolour was even invented. Well, that's obviously her view being tainted by recent events but she couldn't remember what she thought about before.
Despite all the gray, she always felt there had been colour around her. Whether it had been projected on to her by her persistent father throughout a troublesome youth or by colleagues when she worked hard shifts at vice, or by her family when she was struggling with the grief that came with losing a husband. She'd never would've thought of herself as completely religious but the gift that had been given to her by Mike a few months ago sat on her dresser and stuck out to her like a sore thumb.
Just generally asking to be worn.
She'd been surprised he'd bought it for her because of the thoughtfulness that it showed on his part but it was a beautiful small silver cross on a light chain that meant a lot to her now more than before. That gift had, of course, led to a whole night of passion, exploration and more than just simple physical love that she'd never forgotton; their first. She smiled at the memory and almost blushed at it as well.
Trying to shake the images out of her mind before it was too late to turn back she reached into the jewellery box and pulled the small, delicate chain out and carefully placed it around her neck. After looking it at in the mirror for a few moments, inspecting how it looked with her clothes and then mentally shaking herself for being so girlish, she walked out of her bedroom and went straight for the living room where she remembered leaving him; Bobby Goren.
"You ready?" Bobby asked, spotting her. Dressed for work yet that wasn't where he was going.
Alex nodded, "You sure you want to take me to see Liz?" Alex had been seeing Dr Elizabeth Olivet since her kidnapping ordeal and because her car was still being held, cleaned and repaired she had no way of taking herself anywhere unless she used public transport, which no one wanted her to do. But because of the nature of their jobs it meant that everytime she had an appointment someone different was taking her there, she never really knew who was free to drive her there until it was almost time to be there.
"I don't mind." He replied, honestly. Holding out his arm to indicate that they should get going, she nodded and followed him out the door.
Lately she's had mixed feelings about everything, conflicted inside her own mind about what she wants to and how she feels about what happened but she does know that everytime she sees Olivet she's able to put things into perspective for a few hours before it all mixes up again.
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"You'd rather go back to work?" Olivet looked at her, understanding but puzzled at the same time. Alex could never understand who physcologists could do that. The room that Alex had been forced to sit every week was starting to make her feel better just because she didn't want to go there anymore.
Alex nodded, "Well, yeah. I'd be better off if I did."
Olivet looked at her and smiled, "Why is that?"
"Because if I'm not working I'm home alone, thinking."
"You're still avoiding." Olivet commented, annoying Alex, causing her to shuffle a little in her seat.
Alex shook her head, "No, there is nothing to avoid. I've never liked sitting at home on my own."
"What about Mike?"
Smiling a little, "He works too."
"Alright." Olivet said, "But if you go back and you find that you struggle because you weren't ready, what do you think will happen?"
Alex shrugged, "It won't happen."
"But if it does, you'll end up back on leave and it'll be worse." Olivet sighed and looked at Alex with a soft smile, "Don't rush yourself. When you're ready to go back you'll know."
"How will I know?"
"Something will make you go back." Olivet replied, "Something will happen or something will be said and you'll know, but don't rush." She paused slightly, "Don't make rash decisions based on frustration." Alex nodded but she didn't say anything, she was worried she'd say something wrong or show some kind of weakness that she didn't feel like showing today. It's not easy being weak every day when you're used to being strong and independent. "It'd be a shame if you did." Alex frowned, unsure of Olivet's meaning, "You're really close, I predict this'll only be a few more sessions. You've done really well and you should be proud. Don't thow it away."
"How many?"
Olivet couldn't help but detect some kind of excitement in Alex's voice, "You want a number?" Alex nodded, "How about 3?"
Her words were once again ringing in her mind as she left the office and headed for the front door. Why did she have to be so damned good at her job? As she opened the door to the outside world she saw her partner leaning on the front of the car, looking a little relaxed but also tense at the same time. But then he had been waiting for more than an hour so it came as no surprise to her. He saw her and only waited for her to at least start walking down the steps before he spoke, fiddling the car keys in his hands as if he had somewhere he needed to be, "How'd it go?" He asked, walking over to her after she smiled weakly in greeting.
"Just three more sessions."
"Yeah?" Bobby asked, this had to a sign of progress. Alex nodded, but he did have somewhere he needed to be, "Well, I can drop you off, a call came in... I gotta go..."
Alex, first annoyed that he was going to just drop her off and then saw this as her opening, her chance to go back despite the words that Olivet had spoken to her, "Well then let's go." Bobby, however, was not convinvced, he stood still and looked at her, intensely, trying to see if there was the slightest hint that she wasn't being serious and showing her that he was. Alex felt a strong need to go, "I told her I wasn't getting any better by myself." She held out her hand for him to give the keys but it took Bobby a few seconds to actually give them to her. He wasn't sure she was ready to do this, she'd been through so much and he felt she was still struggling with the trauma.
However, he conceeded defeat and passed her the keys. Both of them quickly heading towards the car, Bobby held up his hands to show his defeat but he refused to say anything about it. Then so did she, getting straight into the car and putting the car into motion before he could continue his argument or she could start one with herself, which ever one came first.
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To say Mike had been surprised to see her had been an understatement. There he had been doubled over his desk, trying to find the missing papers on the case he and Wheeler had been working when he'd seen her stroll through the office with Bobby. The shock had sent him into silence but it hadn't lasted long.
He'd waited until Ross had finished speaking to her, which wasn't long because she hadn't given the man chance to speak, fighting off his opening argument with her tightly delivered finishing statement. "I appreciate your concern Captain but I'm fine." That was one of the things about her that Mike loved, her ability to shoot people down with words, never giving them a chance to respond. The door had been closed on Ross before he could utter another word.
Mike refused to follow Ross' tactic. Catching up with her as she tried to catch up with Bobby, Mike gently pulled her to the side and leaned into her, not missing the silver cross around her neck and the very determined look on her face. "Alex?" The determined look gave way to a softer look as she tried to smile reassuringly. "What are you doing?"
"Working." She replied, simply, her tone of voice daring him to argue with her over it.
Mike looked down and sighed, "I'm going to ask you this once and then I promise I won't ask again, are you sure you're ready?" He spoke in hushed tones because he didn't want others in the office to walk passed them and hear their conversation although out of the corner of his eye he could see people looking, probably as surprised as he that she'd turned up.
She looked down a little as she considered it but she didn't think about it for long, "I know that I'm better off working." Mike put his hands on his hips and looked at her, studying her face and seeing that she was, as far as he could tell, being sincere with her answer.
"Alright, fine." He nodded, "Okay, I won't drag you home." Alex copied his nod and smiled a little, once again going for reassurance but was unsure if he was getting the message. He smiled at her, "But take it easy." Mike didn't want her to go back into that state of depression she'd been in after she'd been kidnapped, he didn't want to go through that again, he didn't want her to go through that again.
She nodded and he gave her a bigger smile.
"Eames? Are you coming?" Bobby's voice caught in their ears and Alex peered round Mike's body to see Bobby standing at the end of the coridor looking anxious to get on with his work.
Alex looked back at Mike and smiled, "I'll call you." He nodded, trying very hard to resist giving her a kiss. She smiled and took off before he failed in his resistance.
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Mike stayed at the office until Alex came back, for two reasons. One, being that she didn't have a car yet and she'd need a ride home. Two, he was concerned about how well she could really handle this. He knew she was strong and he knew she was probably more capable than most kidnap victims but that didn't change the way his stomach was tying up in knots over the thought. He'd come so close to losing her and didn't want to go through that again.
When he saw her and Bobby finally come back to the office he was relieved, the first thing he saw was that she was tired but then she'd had to drive all the way from Waterhaven so she would be, it was alot for someone who'd been sleeping for most of the day recently. He walked over towards her and she smiled when she saw him coming and he smiled back. "How you doing?" He asked, hoping he sounded casual.
"I'm good." She nodded, matching the casual attitude.
Mike looked at Bobby, who suddenly felt like he should be somewhere else. Bobby quickly gathered his stuff and bid farewell to them. Mike smiled at Alex and she looked down for a moment, "Really?"
She nodded again but there was something in her eyes that said otherwise. "Yeah."
Mike chose to let it drop because of where they were, "Let's go home." They walked out, his hand on the small of her back as if he was leading her out of the building. She hoped he wasn't about to try to convince her that she couldn't carry on but that would mean getting into an argument because she knew she didn't intend to back down.
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Reaching home after a long day, a day that felt extra long to her because it had been unplanned and she was used to not doing anything. Walking into the house Alex mentally braced herself for the words Mike was about to say. She expected words of annoyance and something a long the lines of 'don't you think this'll make it worse?', 'can't you see you're not ready?' or 'i don't want you to go back yet' but they never came.
All Mike said was, "Are you hungry?" Alex looked at him and nodded, unsure of how to take that. Having this strange feeling that those words were worse than the ones he'd said before, was he giving her the cold shoulder? Alex stayed by the door as Mike wandered off to break into the food he'd picked up from the store.
He was gone five minutes, and in those minutes Alex had remained still, she was confused by the way he'd dropped the subject and it bothered her that he didn't want to discuss it. When Mike came back he frowned, a puzzled expression on his face as he looked at the way she stood at the door, her coat still on and a worried look on her face. "You coming in or are you staying there?" When she didn't answer he walked over to her and placed a hand on her arm, "What's the matter?"
"I thought-" She stopped and looked at him, "I-"
Mike's frown grew on his face, along with an expression of concern, "What?"
"Nothing." She changed her mind from speaking and she unzipped her coat. Mike pulled another puzzled expression and looked at her, "I'm sorry, I guess I'm tired."
"Alright." He nodded and turned around but very quickly turned back, "You know, actually, I do have a question."
Alex felt herself mentally freeze, bracing herself again, "What?" She asked, almost afraid to know.
"What made you go back today?"
She shrugged, "I don't know. I just... did." She finally took her coat off and flung it on the chair, walking into the living room and sitting down on the sofa, Mike followed her. "I guess I went because Bobby said he got a call and I saw it as a good excuse to go back." She looked at him and frowned, "You're not upset? Or angry? Or annoyed?"
Mike shook his head, "I'd do the same if it were me." Alex seemed to visibly relax. "But I am worried."
"Why?" She asked, although she felt she probably already knew the answer.
He sighed, sitting next to her and looking directly at her, "Because I've got a knot in my stomach telling me you're not ready but ..." He held out his hand to show that he was helpless in stopping her. "I won't stop you."
"Why not?" She had to ask, why wouldn't he try to stop her? If he really was worried then he should try to stop her.
Mike grinned, "Because I don't want to meet your right hook." Alex, showing her teeth, smiled at him, a little laugh escaping her throat. He shrugged, "We'll see."
"So, food?" She asked after they were silent for a moment, looking at each other. Alex had felt her stomach remind her of it's presence by crumbling at her.
He nodded, "Yeah." He held out his hand and pulled her up with him. "Food." He smiled into her lips that were soon connected but quickly parted to hold each other close, pressing their cheeks together instead. She felt heavy and he knew she was tired so he slowly pulled slightly away from her and led her to her kitchen so they could quickly grab a bite and go to bed.
Part of his mind hoping he could wake her up somewhat before she went to sleep but it was a part of him that was going to have to be ignored until tomorrow.
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"Why didn't you tell me about your mother?"
She had to ask, it had been eating at her the whole time they'd been walking back to the car after meeting with Ashley's step-father, Ray. Bobby had told him that his mother had cancer and that there had been a number placed on her life; a small time left in the world.
Alex sat in the drivers seat and refused to start the SUV, looking directly at her partner who didn't look at her. He absent mindedly looked out the window, or at least that's what he wanted her to think he was doing. But Alex could see the worry on his face, Bobby's emotions were always on display to the point where she could see them even when he didn't want her to.
"You- you were dealing with s-something traumatic... and I didn't... Truthfully-" He finally looked at her after spending a moment stuttering out words and trying to come up with a response at the same time. "-I didn't want you to know." She couldn't really hide the hurt from that. "Yet."
She sighed, "Bobby, I'm sorry."
He nodded, "I know, I know."
Alex sat quietly looking at the steering wheel and suddenly becoming immersed in thoughts and worries for her partner. She always worried about him when he came to his mother, he had such a vested interest in her and her well-being that it meant that he hurt more over it when something went wrong. She'd been so concerned with herself, so wrapped up in her own trauma that she'd not seen his hurt. Since when did she not pay attention to her best friend?
"Eames?" Bobby's voice cut through her mind and she slowly turned her eyes away from the steering wheel. "I was- was going to tell you as s-soon as you came back." She frowned, "You came back earlier than I thought you would."
Those words squashed her concern for him and sparked a fire within her, "So everyone keeps saying." She couldn't mask the annoyance from her tone of voice and it was obvious she hated the way everyone was concerned for her; or rather that they were voicing that concern for her. She turned to him completely, twisting in her seat, she shot him a pointed look, "I'm quite capable."
Bobby nodded, "I know." His hands were already heading towards that movement of defeat. "Don't you think you're pushing yourself?"
"It's not like this is the first terrible thing that's ever happened to me." She was almost daring him into having a staring contest with her, opting not to answering his question. "I need you to trust me."
"Eames." Bobby started, "I do trust you, otherwise I wouldn't have let you come back-"
"-Let me come back?" Alex interrupted, offended by his choice of words. "Like you had a choice?"
Bobby blinked, unsure as to how the conversation had dramatically altered, shifting into a gear that could only cause trouble, "Eames, that's not what I meant and you know it!"
"No, I don't know it." Her voice rising and he was thankful they were inside the car, "You keep treating me like a piece of glass!"
"I'm not-"
"-And I've had enough already. It's not like I wasn't ready to come back!"
Bobby sighed, "Eames, I don't doubt that you believe that you're ready to come back." Bobby hoped that he'd really got that whole sentence out before she interrupted him again, "I just think you're pushing yourself too hard."
"I'm pushing myself too hard?" She asked, incredulously, pointing to herself with one hand whilst waving the other towards him, "What about you?" Bobby's turn to frown, "Your mother-"
Bobby held up his hands, "Let's leave her out of this." Alex stopped and realised that she was starting to go off at him for the wrong reasons. Something in the way he spoke that last sentence forced her to see what she was doing. This was his mother and she felt like she was about to step over that invisible line that existed where Frances Goren was concerned.
She nodded, "I'm sorry." She quickly turned back towards the front and put the key in the ignition but she didn't turn the engine on, she just sat there holding the key in place and watching; nothing was outside but she was watching it anyway.
So was he.
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Thunder raged inside her mind. Her inner voice shouting at her, chastising herself with words at her own anger. Funny how that was making it worse. For all her chanting inside her mind she was just fueling the fire that burned within her. Pacing her living room and feeling confined within herself she felt like a trapped animal.
Like PJ, the young lovebird sat chirping in it's cage; alone.
Her heart pounding and a headache forming. Why did this have to be so hard? She heard the door open and she quickly turned on her heel to see who it was. It was Mike.
He seemed ready. Like he was expecting her anger and that frustrated her even more. "You wanna tell me what happened between you and Goren?"
Alex raised an eyebrow at him and replied bitterly, "What makes you think something happened?"
"Oh, I don't know, just the way he kind of stormed into the squadroom, threw himself down at his desk and kinda glared at yours." Mike replied with a hint of attitude that masked his concern, which he knew was a mistake.
She sighed, "We just had an argument." She tried to make it sound like it was nothing, she even shrugged to make it seem more real but Mike looked at her, looked right through her answer and she knew he didn't believe her. "I'm tired of people acting like I can't do my job!"
"Who said that you-"
"No one!" Alex interrupted, her voice rising again, "They don't have to say it! I can see it in the way they look at me!"
"Since when do you care about that?" Mike asked, becoming frustrated with her anger and really not feeling like having an argument with her but it seemed to be where it was headed.
"Since-" She tried but she paused, "Since..." Mike finally crossed the space between them and walked over to her, not physically touching her but inhabitating some of her personal space that was somehow causing her to settle a little. "I don't care."
"Look, Goren and I don't see eye-to-eye but ..." Mike looked at her and she sighed, he was right. Firstly, Mike was impressed that he'd somehow managed to stop a full blown argument with her and secondly, he briefly wondered how he'd done that. He looked at her and realised that if he was careful he could prevent himself from flaring her anger any further, not that he knew quite how to be careful. He offered her a smile and hoped that that was a good move on his part, she partly smiled back, lowering her head in shame at herself. "Nobody, nobody thinks that you can't do your job." Mike gave her a direct look, one that told her she was being stupid, or at least that was her interpretation, "The only person saying it is you."
She leaned her head back far, looking up at the ceiling before closing her eyes. "I feel-" She lowered her head back to it's normal tilt and looked at him, "I feel angry!" She almost spat the last word out of her mouth.
Mike nodded, "You know what you need?" She gave him a quizzical look, "A punching bag."
Alex frowned, she wasn't so sure about that, mostly because she lacked the punching bag to actually use but also because it seemed so ridiculous when she thought about.
"No, seriously, come on!" Mike took her hand and led her towards the door, "I know just the one you can use."
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"You have a punching bag?" Alex bent down beside him as they peered into a dusty box, her question was asked incredulously and her face showed just how much she couldn't believe what she was seeing, although somehow it should have made sense.
They were at his apartment and he pulled this long rectangular box out of his cupboard, it looked like it hadn't been opened in years. "Yeah."
"What for?" She asked, and he looked at her as if to say 'that's obvious', "It doesn't look like you use it."
Mike laughed stiffly, "No, that's what my gym membership is for." Alex knew that he had a membership with a gym but she'd never seen him actually visit it.
"You actually go?" She asked, once again, incredulously.
He nodded, "Yeah, sure." Looking at her he added, "When I'm pissed." Alex mouthed 'oh' and nodded slightly, that made sense. Pulling the red punching bag out of it's box, Mike wiped some of the dust off it and Alex sneezed. He looked at her, "Hey, this was a good bag when I first bought it."
"That doesn't mean I'm gonna use it."
"Why not?" Mike asked, standing up, pulling the bag with him and shooting her a look as she stood up as well.
She sighed, "I just don't see what good beating the crap out of a bag is gonna do."
"Well, it saves you beating the crap out of your partner." Mike countered, looking at her directly and continuing when it seemed she refused to answer. "Trust me, partners tend to get a little edgy when you start taking stuff out on 'em." Alex looked at the bag and was momentarily mesmerised by it's colour. Even through the dust she could see how red this bag was; angry. She looked at it and she considered what he was saying, maybe beating up an inanimate object would make her feel better.
Mike smirked, "Would you like me to leave you two alone?"
She looked up at him, first annoyed at his sarcastic comment and then ... something else. She saw his smile and her attitude changed. Like the sunlight was creeping through the gray shades as if there were cracks. "No, thank you." His grin grew at the way she seemed 'genuinely' grateful he'd offered her and the bag some free time.
"So?" He asked, holding the bag out towards her, "Shall I set it up?"
She looked at him and then at the bag, then back at him. Finally, after a whole minute of consideration, she nodded to say she would use and he was to go ahead and set it up for her. She had to laugh a little at the idea of beating up a swinging bag to make herself feel better, and it was a very manly thing to do.
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TBC
A/N For those of you have read the whole series. There are a few that I know of. You might notice that I made references to previous ones, you might not. Was it too subtle?
Also, you'll notice in Siren Call and other Season 6 episodes Alex is wearing a small silver cross around her neck.