Does Age Really Matter?
Author: Sable-eyed-lily
Rating: T
Genre: Humor/Romance
Summary: Draco's 29th birthday is coming up, and he's starting to get doubts about his relationship with Harry. A series of miscommunications and misinterpretations occur, resulting in something neither Draco or Harry expected.
A/N: This is a humor fic, so no angst, character death, or any of the usual things I put in my stories. I realized that Draco's birthday was coming up, so I had to write something based off of it. Oh, this is also a SLASH fic, so you've been warned. Happy readings!!!
Does Age Really Matter?
Draco stared gloomily into his glass of firewhiskey. He'd been sitting in a pub for the past five hours. The problem was that he felt depressed. In one day, he'd be twenty-nine years old. Merlin, this was awful. He threw back the firewhiskey, wincing at the burn. What was worse? He'd been sitting there for several hours, and had yet to be hit on. He would turn them down, of course, and proceed to publicly humiliate them. Sure he had Harry back at home, but so what? Not one person in the damn pub found him desirable.
Draco glared angrily at the other patrons. Would it kill any of them to offer him one drink? With a snarl, he got up and prepared to leave. He had been with Harry for the past twelve years. A faint smile played at his lips. Thanks to Harry's testimony, he and his mother had avoided Azkaban. The Daily Prophet had had a field day when they finally started dating. Draco's lip curled at the memory of all the howlers he'd received in the aftermath.
Things were good, better than good. Draco ran his late father's business and Harry worked with the Aurors. Draco felt a stab of pride for his boyfriend. Harry had worked his way up until he was head of the department. Despite how well life was, Draco was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. He grumbled all the way to the Apparition Point. With a swirl of his robes, he apparated straight into the living room of the flat he and Harry shared.
Draco made his way quickly to the bedroom. He felt the corners of his lips twitch as he saw Harry sleeping in the king sized bed. He was about to-
"Mmmmph" Harry mumbled in his sleep.
Draco leaned in eagerly. He watched as Harry grinned broadly in his sleep. He bent closer to hear the soft murmurs. "Oooh…James.. Stop that…Stop your teasing already…"
Draco's head reared back. Oh, sweet Merlin! This is awful, this is-is-is- Suddenly there wasn't enough oxygen in the room. He could tell he was on the brink of hyperventilating. He fled from the room for the safety of the living room. He immediately began to pace.
This isn't so bad. We can fix this.
We should be using Crucio until he can't think straight.
If we can recapture his interest, he'll drop this James person.
You should be cutting off his favorite appendage and forcing him to eat it with salsa.
But it's also my favorite appendage.
We should hunt down James. He's the one ruining all this.
Yeah! We'll hunt him down and-and…
We'll Crucio his arse.
But Harry wouldn't like that.
We could blame it on the Death Eaters.
There are no more Death Eaters. At least none that are active.
Well… I know! We'll start a new Death Eater club, and then we can blame them for the death.
That will take too long. We should just ask him.
NO! Go get advice from someone else. Try Snape. He's your godfather, so he has to help. Plus, he has a bunch of untraceable poisons on hand.
Yes! That's precisely what I'll do.
Draco glanced at the clock. It was just a little after dawn he noticed with surprise. Plotting and scheming took a lot of time apparently. He made a quick transfiguration of his clothes. Now he was donning an ankle length duster.
He grabbed for the floo powder and said, "Severus Snape-Spinner's End."
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
"Severus!" Draco called. He found the surly potions master in the small kitchen. Draco crinkled his nose in disgust. He hated his godfather's hovel.
"What are you doing in my house at 6 in the morning?" Severus raised an eyebrow.
"I need your help." Draco had to literally force the words from clenched teeth.
"Trouble in paradise?" Snape asked snidely.
"Yes. I think.. I know Harry is cheating on me." Draco finished with a wail.
"Oh, for the love of Circe." Snape muttered. "And how did you come to this conclusion?"
"He was crying out his name in his sleep. Going 'Oh, James! Stop it!' this is awful Severus. What should I do?"
Severus got a sour look on his face at the very mention of the man's name. "What do you expect me to do about it?"
"It's my age. I know it." Draco continued to rant. "He said that age didn't matter, but who was he kidding?" Draco had a crazed expression on his face. "I know you'll help me. You have potions to help me. What's your opinion on this? Be honest." Draco opened up the trench coat and stood in all his glory.. In Severus Snape's kitchen.
Snape spewed out his tea. He spent the first two minutes sputtering and coughing. "You-you-you… COVER YOURSELF THIS INSTANT!!!!" He finally screamed, spittle flying from his mouth. "GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"
"I'm leaving!" Draco shouted, grabbing his coat. He ran for the floo, and paused for a moment. "So, are you going to help me?" Snape responded by aiming a hex for his head. "I take that as a no. I'll see you next Christmas!"
Draco threw the floo powder in and yelled, "Parkinson-Nott mansion!" He arrived with a flurry of ash into the sitting room. "PANSY!"
He waited a few moments and attempted to regain his composure. Within a few moments, Pansy, her husband Theo, and Blaise showed up. "What are you doing here Blaise?"
"I stopped for breakfast and stayed a bit." Blaise shrugged. "Why are you here?"
"I have a big problem…" Draco paused dramatically. "Harry's cheating on me." Their reactions were immediate.
"We'll help you destroy him, Draco."
"How dare he?! You're too good for him, Draco Darling."
"I knew it! I knew he'd never settle for a priss like you!"
The other three occupants of the room glared at Blaise. "What?" He asked, sipping delicately at his coffee.
"I gave him everything. How could he do this to me?" Draco wailed.
"Do you want us to kill him for you?" Pansy offered. "I'm sure with the four of us, we can make it look like an accident or we could twist it so it looks like Weasley did it." Pansy seemed cheered by this thought.
"I don't want to kill him Pansy. I want to win him back."
"Maybe Snape could help you." Theo suggested. "I'm sure he knows how to make an extremely strong lust potion."
Draco winced. "Snape and I aren't exactly.. on speaking terms at the moment."
"What did you do?"
"I may have… flashed myself at him to get his opinion on my.. assets." Draco flushed as three jaws dropped. "I wasn't thinking properly." He said in defense.
"You flashed yourself… at Severus Snape…" Theo looked incredulous for one moment, and in the next he busted out into hysterical laughter.
Both Pansy and Blaise had glazed eyes. "I wouldn't mind helping you with that." Pansy said, licking her lips.
Theo's laughter immediately died. "You do remember that you're married and that Draco is gay, don't you?"
"Of course I know that, Theo darling. It's just some aesthetic appreciation." Pansy patted his arm. "We're just trying to help Draco, aren't we Blaise?"
"No, I just want to shag him through the floor." Blaise said unabashed.
"Have you tried to talk to Potter?" Theo asked.
"No… Maybe I should go see him. What time is it?"
"A little after eleven."
"He'll be on his lunch break soon. I'll go surprise him." Draco said cheerfully. "I'll let you know how it goes." He nodded sharply, and headed for the fireplace. "Ministry of Magic!"
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
"He'll be alright," murmured Ginny.
"I know he will."
The scar had not pained him for nineteen years. All was well.
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" Harry screamed, thrashing wildly in the tangled sheets. The result was that he fell out of the bed and bashed his head against the bedside table. "Oh, my dear God!" He reached blindly for his glasses and sighed when the room became clearer. "Draco?" Harry asked, "Guess he left already." Harry immediately got dressed and ran for the floo. "Weasley-Granger residence!"
He left out of the flames and looked around the small kitchen that belonged to his two best friends. "Hermione! Are you here?"
"Harry? You're here awfully early." Hermione's smile faltered when she saw the panicked look on her friend's face. "What's wrong?"
"Oh, 'Mione, I had the most horrifying nightmare!" Harry began to babble. "We had children, oh god there were three of them. And Draco-bald-Ginny-Hogwarts-Scorpius-"
"Harry, calm down. I'll make you a cup of tea, and we'll talk this out." Hermione soothed.
"Okay, okay… I'm calm."
"Now tell me what this is all about." Hermione set the tea cup in front of him.
He took deep, desperate gulps of the scalding tea before speaking. "We were at Platform 9¾. There were children. We had three of them."
"Who? You and Draco?"
"No, that wouldn't have been a bad dream. It was me and Ginny. We were married." The look of utmost disgust on Harry's face sent Hermione into a fit of giggles. "This is a serious matter!"
"Of course it is." She said as she chocked back her laughter. "Then what happened?"
"There were two boys and a girl. Oh, Great Merlin, I named one of them Albus Severus." This time Hermione could not hide her snorts. "There was another one. I named him James Sirius. He was being quite mean to his younger brother." Harry frowned at this.
"His younger brother being Albus Severus?" Hermione schooled her features into those of concern after Harry sent her a glare.
"Yes. And the other was Lily Luna. Draco was there too. But he was married. He was married to some blonde twit who gave him a son! And he was going bald!" Harry looked ready to faint at this new thought. "Do you think this is some premonition of the future?"
"Seeing as how you're gay, Ginny being married to Dean, and Draco not discovering that he's straight any time soon… I'd say most likely not. Besides, I think Draco would sooner perform a self-Avada Kedavra than allow himself to go bald. It was just a dream Harry. Relax…"
"You're right. I just need to forget all about the dream. Thanks Hermione." Harry glanced at his watch. "Oh, damn! I'm late for work. I'll talk to you later!" He rushed towards the floo. "Ministry of Magic!"
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
"Hey Mate! You ready to go?" Ron peaked inside of the office. "Harry… Time for lunch."
"Hmmm? Oh, right. Must have lost track of the time." Harry stretched and yawned. "Where's this new restaurant at?"
"It's in muggle London. Seamus told me it was great. They have these little things called Jalapeno Poppers." Ron said enthusiastically. Harry smiled. Ron was now the head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports. They were both quite busy, so it was rare that they got to spend their lunch hour together.
Harry grabbed his coat and headed out the door. "Oh, Claire," Harry turned to his secretary. "If anyone asks where I'm at, don't tell them. I'd like to eat my lunch in peace."
"Of course Mr. Potter." The blonde girl chirped happily.
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
"Harry?" Draco asked, looking around the office. He sighed when he saw he wasn't there. He grit his teeth, and strolled up to the secretary. He and Harry's secretary felt mutual hate for each other. The stupid twit.
"Is Harry in?" Draco asked politely.
"If he's not in there, chances are he's not." She didn't even look up from her parchment.
"Do you know where he is?"
"Yes."
"Could you tell me?" Draco was fighting the urge to curse the shrew into a toad.
"Mr. Potter requested that no one knew where he and his lunch date went."
"Lu-lunch date?" Draco could feel the tendrils of fear creep up on him. "Was it a man? What did he look like?"
"Yes, Mr. Potter left for lunch with a fairly good-looking man. Would you please let me get back to my work?"
Only Draco's fierce list of Malfoy etiquette rules kept him from running for the door and hexing everything in sight. He stalked to the apparition point, and left for Knockturn-Alley.
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
"Draco? Are you here?" Harry asked, just arriving home. "I've got a surprise for you. Happy Birthday!"
"Harry?" A high pitched voice replied.
"Draco? What's wrong with your voice? Did something happen to you. Oh My-" The present in Harry's hand fell to the floor as he gaped in shock. He was gazing at what looked like a twelve year old version of Draco. "What happened?" Harry cried out.
"It was an accident!" Draco's high voice made him wince. "I went to an apothecary to get a potion-"
"What kind of potion?!?!"
"A de-aging potion! It was a little stronger than I originally thought!"
"Is this another one of those role playing things you want to try? Because I really don't think I can get turned on by the idea of being a pedophile…"
"I did it for us! To save our relationship!"
"Why would our relationship need saving?!!? And where did you get this potion at?!? Knockturn-Alley?!?!?" Harry was yelling and screaming at this point.
"As a matter of fact I did! But you wouldn't have noticed would you?!? You're too busy with your smelly tramp!!!!"
"What?"
"You heard me! I found out your secret. Now who is he? Is he someone you met at work?!?!? Well, is he?!? I know you had lunch with him today! Were you ever going to tell me?!?"
"Tell you what?"
"That you've been cheating on me." Draco burst out. His voice rising even higher and cracking in several places. "You've been having a secret affair with James! Don't even try to deny it!"
"I don't even know what you're talking about." Harry's face was a picture of confusion. "I was with Ron today. And who in the hell is James?"
"Why don't you tell me! You were the one who was moaning his name last night." Draco glared hatefully.
"Last night…" As it dawned on him, Harry began to laugh in relief.
"It's not funny!" Draco spat. "Fine, if you view us as a joke, we're over!"
"Wait, Draco." Harry said breathlessly. "It's all a big misunderstanding. Last night I had a dream that I had a son whose name was James. I never cheated on you."
"It was a dream…" Draco said faintly.
"Yes, just a dream. Here, I'll tell you all about it."
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
"Wait, wait." Draco giggled breathlessly. "In your dream, you actually named one of you're children Albus Severus?" He cackled hysterically. "That's priceless."
Harry huffed. "Well, I'm glad you find it so funny. But see, it was nothing but huge misunderstanding."
"Harry?" Draco asked hesitantly. "We're okay, right?"
"Why wouldn't we be okay?" Harry smiled.
"You're not going to ditch because I'm older, are you? And switch me for a younger model?"
"Of course not, I love you no matter what." Draco beamed, and leaned in for a kiss. "Whoa! Let's not get ahead of ourselves." Harry leapt off of the sofa, "You still look like a twelve year old, and I just can't kiss you."
"You just said that you love me no matter what." He pointed out. "My condition shouldn't matter if you truly love me."
"Of course I love you, Draco, but you probably haven't even hit puberty in that body. I just can't kiss or have sex with you." Harry said wearily. "At least not until the potion wears off."
"N-no s-s-sex?!?" Draco whispered horrified. Harry nodded solemnly. There was a pregnant pause... "This is all your fault!"
"My fault?!?" Harry exclaimed.
"Yes! Your fault! If you had just learned how to not talk in your sleep, we wouldn't be here!"
"We wouldn't be here if you trusted me more!"
"Oh, yeah? Well you're nothing but a-"
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
"And that's what happened…" Harry finished off lamely.
"I see…" said the witch therapist. She scratched off something on the clipboard. "So that is the reason why you're in couples therapy?"
"Yes." A now full grown Draco said snidely. "Harry thinks we need to work on our communication and trust issues."
"When did this all start again?"
"At my birthday, you stupid chit! Weren't you listening?" Draco glared at her.
"Draco…" Harry said warningly. "We're here to improve our relationship."
"We don't need some stranger to improve our relationship." Draco hissed furiously. "We would be fine on our own."
"Hermione said this might help, so we might as well try."
"That was a brilliant decision, now wasn't it."
"Excuse me gentleman, but can we please get back to the questions?"
"Sorry." Harry said, looking abash. Draco sat there in stormy silence.
"Has your relationship improved since the… ah, incident?"
"It was until we came here." Draco sneered.
"And how long have you two been together?"
"Eleven years." Harry replied.
"Twelve years."
"It's been eleven, Draco."
"It's been twelve."
*Ding*
"I'm afraid our session is over. Perhaps you should take a break from each other. Go out and see other people. I'll see you here next week." With that, the witch left with a swirl of her robes.
"See other people…?" Harry repeated, his mouth gaping.
Draco smirked widely, as a brilliant plan twisted in his mind. "Well… I have been eying that new bartender at the Leaky Cauldron…"
"What?!" Harry's head whipped around so fast, he felt it crick.
"Well, you said this is how we have to improve our relationship. Perhaps the witch knows what she's talking about. Besides, I heard the new keeper for the Montrose Magpies recently broke up with his latest boy-toy." Draco finished with a leer.
"But-but-you-I-I-I-keeper-" Harry was sputtering and stammering all over the place.
"Yes, Harry?" Draco asked, leaning forward.
"You can't date that-that-that bloody man-whore!"
"And why not?" Draco asked, a triumphant smile playing on his lips.
"Because!" Harry exclaimed. "You're mine! We should have never come to this place."
Draco's expression was full of smugness. "And? Say it.. Say it, Harry."
The brunette sighed, "I was wrong, you were right. You're always right. I grovel at your feet. How may I serve you, master?"
"Well…" Draco paused thoughtfully. An evil leer was on his pale face. "I know the idea of my being twelve wasn't a kink of yours, but there are other role-playing games we could try."
"Like what?" Harry asked. Draco leaned in, and whispered softly in his ear. Harry's face flushed a beet-red color. "WHERE'S THE FLOO?!?!?!?!"
~~~~~~~~HD~~~~~~~~
Soooo.... What did you think? Love it? Hate it? Lemme know. R&R please!!!!!
XOXO
Lils