-1Disclaimer: Red Dwarf is not mine. Neither is Mimas, but it would be cool if it were.
What have I done? Thought Rimmer as he watched Lister stumble around the crowded bar in a drunken haze. I don't know what I was thinking when I agreed to this.
A few weeks earlier…
"Guess what?" Lister asked excitedly, barreling into the sleeping quarters.
"What." replied Rimmer. He was sitting at his desk, doing some revision (well, pretending to, anyway) and sounding completely uninterested. He was already long accustomed to what sorts of things Lister deemed "exciting."
"Planet leave! On Mimas." explained Lister, throwing in that little gerbil-y grin of his. "Captain's just announced it."
"Wow."
"Oh, come on, Rimmer! It's about time we got off this big tin can." pleaded Lister.
"We?"
"Well…Peterson's barred from going because of that little incident last week involving the 4 cases of super- strength brain blaster lager, Fun dip, and that life-size statue of Aphrodite."
"What about those other chimps you hang about with…Sen and Chelby?" asked Rimmer.
"Chen can't go because he gave Peterson the super-strength brain blaster lager. And Selby can't because he's still in a coma over the super- strength brain blaster lager Peterson shared with him"
"Too bad, then."
"Rimmer…" whined Lister.
"Lister, I am not going down to that smeghole of a moon. You know what it's like down there. It is completely inappropriate for a superior officer to be seen in a place like that."
"Well that's great then, because you're not a superior officer, and someone like you is perfectly suited to a place like Mimas!" said Lister.
"I'm going to be a superior officer. All the more reason why I shouldn't go. I can't tarnish my reputation like that."
"Rimmer, you haven't got a reputation. And no one cares what you do."
"No."
"Come on, Rimmer…"
And on it went, until Rimmer finally agreed, just to shut Lister up. But when they were on the shuttle on the way down, Lister let Rimmer in on a little information that practically made him rip the dreads right off the back of Lister's head.
"We are staying where?!" screamed Rimmer, attracting the attention of quite a few of the other shuttle patrons.
"Quiet down, yeah?" pleaded Lister, a little embarrassedly. "The Cottage. It may have a bit of a reputation…"
"Yes, it's a gay hotel!"
"…but it was dead cheap, that's why I picked it." finished Lister. "Oh come on, Rimmer. What's the big deal? I've no problem with it."
"Well, I have a BIG problem with it. I am NOT gay!" hissed Rimmer.
"Then don't pick up anyone and you'll be fine! Look, it's just a place to stay. No one's going to make you DO anything…"
Rimmer just sat there, stiff as a board, staring straight ahead and turning redder every second.
Presently…
Now Rimmer was wishing he had jumped right out of the shuttle window. When they arrived at the hotel, it wasn't quite as bad as he had expected. A little grungy, maybe. But, naturally, the first thing Lister wanted to do was go down to the bar in the lobby. And once it got dark, Rimmer could easily see where the hotel got its reputation.
"Hiya!" screeched a tall, willowy man in blue spandex who was flouncing up to Rimmer amid the strobe lights and loud techno music with an expectant grin on his face. At least, until he read the label Rimmer had affixed to the front of his perfectly- pressed shirt, which read: Hello, My Name Is: NOT GAY.
Once the man flounced off in search of new prey, Rimmer tried to reach Lister, who was currently nursing two beers (one in each hand) and being surrounded by a group of giggling men.
"Lister!" yelled Rimmer, trying to push his way through Lister's crowd of admirers. "Excuse me; pardon me; sorry, not gay!; 'scuse me, sorry…"
"RIMMER! HEEEY…" exclaimed Lister when Rimmer finally broke through. "I made so many new friends, I have to introduce you!"
"Don't you think you've had maybe one too many?" asked Rimmer, gesturing to the beers.
"Nahhhh…" replied Lister, and with a glazed look in his eyes and a sheepish grin on his face, he proceeded to slowly fall over.
He was caught by a man in fishnets and a purple feather boa, who grabbed him and shrieked "Guess he's coming home with me, boys!" to the rest of the group who responded by cackling in tandem.
"No, I don't really think…" protested Lister feebly, trying to pull away.
"Of course you are, sweet cheeks!" interrupted Fishnet. "You and I are going to have a GREAT time." He tried to pull Lister away toward to stairs, up to where the rooms were located. In his advanced inebriation, Lister was in no position to resist. He could barely stand up as it was, even with Fishnet holding him in a bear- like grip.
Rimmer needed to do something. Although he knew Lister richly deserved this for putting them up in a place like this anyway, he couldn't stand by and let it happen. He pushed his way toward them, thinking I'll just get Lister away and upstairs, shove him in his room and lock myself away in mine until the morning.
"Heyhe'swithmeIthinkhehadalittletoomuchtodrinksoI'lljustbetakinghimnowokaythankyou!" Rimmer blurted out in one sentence, grabbing Lister and trying to tug him away before Fishnet and his friends could react. Unfortunately, it wasn't that easy. He only made to the stairs before Fishnet and the rest of Lister's "friends" were behind them, catcalling and following them straight to Lister's door.
Rimmer struggled to find the key in Lister's pocket and get him in the room before the group caught up with them, but he only managed to get the door unlocked and open when they came charging up and right into the room.
"Wooooooo!" yelled Fishnet, as he and the rest of them laid out on the bed, on the floor, in the bathroom and basically all over the room. Rimmer unsuccessfully tried to get them out, but he might as well have been invisible for all they noticed. I can't leave him here, he thought, and after some hesitation, reluctantly took Lister to his room.
He lowered Lister down onto the bed, and immediately regreted the action. Now where am I going to go? he thought. Lister lay on the bed, not moving and wailing slightly, while Rimmer got ready for bed and tried to get comfortable on the floor with no blanket or pillow. After about 15 minutes he was already frozen and sick of hearing Lister making those high- pitched whining noises. Rimmer climbed into the bed and pushed Lister over as far as he could, perching himself perilously on the opposite edge. He lay on his back in the dark, staring into the blackness and trying to fall asleep. It wasn't long before he felt movement on the other side of the bed; Lister was rolling over, closer and closer to him. Soon Rimmer felt Lister lying right up against his side, clutching his arm and resting his head on Rimmer's shoulder.
"Who's that?" Lister asked. He was so close Rimmer could feel Lister's breath on his neck. His heart quickened at the sensation. It was a strange situation.
"Uh, it's uh, me. Rimmer." he replied nervously. Why does this feel so weird?
"Oh hey, Rimmer!" Lister exclaimed gently. "Where are we? Where did all my friends go?"
Rimmer thought simplicity was probably best with Lister in this state. He wouldn't remember any of this in the morning, anyway. Good.
"They went home, Lister. We're in bed now." Together. Oh, God.
"Good….I'm tirrred." slurred Lister. "Hey Rimmer?"
"What?"
"I'm glad you're here."
With that, Lister snuggled closer to Rimmer and fell fast asleep.