- It's big, it's here, it's called Tyson! No, it's now 6 months into Tyson's pregnancy, and the bladers are still at McFahrt's school. It's the sequel to 'Confessions Of A Blader'!

- WARNINGS FOR THIS CHAPTER: Attempted sex. But they fail. Miserably.

- Disclaimer: For the last fucking time, I do not own anything. Except Mrs McFahrt.

A/N: I thought you people have waited long enough… XD These updates may be slow, though, because at the time of writing this, I only have 5 chapters planned. And it's taken me ages to work out 6 months into Tyson pregnancy!! Enjoy, and I know you will :P

Chronicles Of Max

Chapter 1: I've Got Chlamydia!

Tuesday 25th March 2008

10.00 in the am

It's me again. After Tyson's shock announcement of his, er, pregnancy, I decided that it was too much effort to try and keep a diary. But, it's now 6 months into Tyson's pregnancy, and I thought to myself, "who wouldn't want to read a hilarious diary that belongs to Max Tate, and which tells you all the details of what's going on with Tyson and his bump?"

So then I answered myself. "Everyone wants to read a hilarious diary by Max Tate which gives all the grizzly details about Tyson's pregnancy".

The bumpy one and I are currently in English. Tyson's bump is so big, that he has to have his chair about 5 feet away from the table, because he can't fit his legs under it anymore! That is how big his bump is. Sort of.

I think everyone nearly died with shock when Tyson said he was pregnant. And of course, everyone blames Tala for the fact that everyone now knows, because it was Tala who was having an argument with Tyson at the time when Tyson said he was pregnant.

If I say the word 'pregnant' one more time, I may have to hit Tyson round the head. If only for the entertainment value of him looking all confused. I love it when I hit him round the head for no reason, and then he looks all confuzzled. Of course, I don't hit anywhere near his stomach, for I might hurt the baby, and I don't want to be doing that.

All the teachers continuously stare at Tyson's bump. To be fair, it is an odd sight. A fully-fledged male human being, waddling down the corridor and into classes with a baby bump. It's like something you'd see in that Arnold Schwarzenegger film.

Anyway, we now have a new little group. Tala and Kai are with us practically all the time now, save for the moment when they're off screwing each other senseless. We don't exactly mind that they leave when they're… Frustrated. We've all had enough of seeing them have sexytime.

And by 'we', I don't just mean me and Tyson. Mariam's also joined our little group. Well, she would, considering she's MY girlfriend -insert your smiley faces here-. Actually, talking of Mariam… It's roughly been 6 months since we started going out, and we still haven't done the dirty deed, i.e. SEX.

Mariam chickens out every time I brandish a condom at her. I'm sure me being naked at the time with a full hard-on has nothing to do with it… Much. Maybe I should ask if she's ready to sleep with me whilst being fully dressed?

Back to the lesson. We are learning about Macbeth. All I've learnt about him so far, is that he was a very nasty man. That is it. Tala and Kai aren't even listening, but just giggling away to themselves. How do they get away with it? If it was me and Tyson giggling away to ourselves, we'd be booted out of the class, no matter how pregnant Tyson is.

Damn, I just said the 'p' word again, didn't I?

It's still weird putting the words 'Tyson' and 'pregnant' in the same sentence.

5 minutes later

Apparently, baby is kicking, because Tyson is stroking his belly. I've learnt that he only strokes it when the baby kicks. He's going "shh", too. Like the baby can hear him!

One minute later

Oh God. Tala and Kai have spotted the bump-stroking, and they ALWAYS have to join in if Tyson's stroking his bump. This is no longer an English lesson. It is now a bump-stroking session.

"Excuse me boys," the teacher said from the front.

Tala, Kai and Tyson looked up, but none of them stopped stroking the bump.

"Can you please stop stroking… That thing, and turn to face the front of the class again, please."

"'That thing' happens to be my baby bump," Tyson said.

"Yes, well… This is still a lesson, and you all need to stop stroking Tyson."

"I'm not stroking Tyson!" I protested.

"It looks like you are under the table," the teacher replied.

"Where the Hell would I be stroking him if it was under the table?! What are you trying to imply?!" I shouted at the teacher.

Tala and Kai were still stroking the bump.

"What she's trying to imply is that you are stroking my penis. Do stop it, Max, this is a lesson," Tyson laughed.

Gee, thanks, Tyson.

Walking to Lunch

12.01 in the pm

La, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaa. Kai and Tala are holding hands whilst walking down this here corridor. It's quite sweet, really. Tyson's going on about 'his Brooklyn', and what he's going to do when he sees his 'sweet little ginger nut'.

We're also talking about the baby.

"You know you're 6 months in, Tyson," Tala said.

"Well, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be this big," Tyson replied. People were staring at his bump.

"You've got another three months to go, yet. You're going to get bigger," I reminded him.

"Damn… Yeah."

"Oh my God! What if it's twins?!" Kai exclaimed. All this baby stuff has made him mad. Er. He is apparently desperate for a seahorse.

"It's not," Tyson said.

"But what if it is?!"

"But it really isn't. The midwife told me that there was only one."

"But if it's twins, can I have one?!"

"Kai, for fuck's sake, it is not twins, and even if it is, you wouldn't be getting one."

Kai looked all sad and pouty. Tala gripped his hand tighter.

"What I was about to say, was that now you're 6 months in, you'd better start thinking of baby names," Tala said.

"Brooklyn and I have. We can't think of one that we agree on, though."

"How about Voltaire?"

"Shut up, Kai," I said.

"Boris?"

"Kai, shut it."

"Ian? Zeo? Gordo? Gary Glitter? Geoff? Patrick? Spongebob? Squidward? Mr Krabs? Sandy? Merry? Pippin? GANDALF?!"

"Kai!"

"Ooh, ooh, ooh, here's a good one. Gideon!"

"Kai, I am not naming my baby after any of the evil gits we've met, or anything random."

"… Ok."

We continued walking towards the canteen, when Kai spoke again.

"OK, how about Dr. B?"

"Kai. Shut. Up."

Lunch

12.11 in the pm

There's nothing like sitting at the canteen table, whilst two of your gay friends (Kai and Tala) feed each other from each others mouths (eww), and your girlfriend is moping about because her brother left the school, and having Tyson wince in pain.

"Tala, Kai… Can't you do that somewhere else… Or at least a bit more quietly?" I asked the two mad Russians. "I'm trying to eat my chicken sarnie, and it's really distracting hearing you two suck soup from each other's mouths."

"Sorry, Max."

I looked at Tyson. He was fiddling with his bits.

"Do you mind?" I asked.

"Not really," he replied. Well, he would. "I swear this baby keeps pulling my balls up."

"… Thanks for that, Tyson," Mariam said. She's finally looked up from her food.

"Will you please cheer up," Tala said, looking at Mariam. "I've had enough of you looking like a clinically depressed person with a face like a slapped arse."

"Yes, please," Kai said.

"No, I wasn't offering to slap your arse."

"Oh."

"Cheers, Tala. You really know how to cheer someone up," Mariam said, with a big smile on her face.

Huh, so if I ever need to cheer her up… I should just insult her like Tala does?

"Anyhoo, Mariam. Do you feel like staying in my room tonight, if you know what I mean?" I asked her.

She turned beetroot red.

"Oh, but Tyson will be there, and it won't be fair on him and-"

"No worries," Tyson grinned. "I'm staying in Brooklyn's room tonight. He wants to massage my bump."

"Oh, but Kai and Tala might hear, and-"

"We don't mind. After all, we wake half the school up with our sexytime," Tala grinned.

Mariam sighed.

"Sure, I'll stay in your room," she said.

Result! Sort of.

8.05 in the pm

Mariam has arrived, and she's brought all her sleeping gear. Which is wise, as we'll be sleeping. Amongst other things. Teehee. She's currently sat on my bed, looking a bit depressed. Is now the time to insult her to cheer her up?

A minute later

No, I don't want to spoil my chances of getting laid.

A minute later

Instead, I've given her a big hug, and it seems to have worked, because she's finally smiling.

"I wish you'd smile a bit more," I told her.

"I wish I could, but it just makes me sad that Joseph's left."

"More fool him. He's the one missing out, not you. So cheer up, already! Besides, it's not like you're NEVER going to see him again, is it?"

"… Yeah, you're right."

"When aren't I?"

"Alright, don't get too cocky."

"Too late. I'm as hard as stone."

"Max!"

"Sorry!"

We both keeled over giggling.

8.30 in the pm

There is banging on the wall. And moaning. It also happens to be coming from Tala and Kai's direction, so three guesses what they're up to.

"Are they always that loud?"

"Yes."

"How do you get to sleep?"

"We have to wait until they finish. And even then they stay up for hours, singing or talking really loudly."

"They sing after sex?"

"Yes. It's one of those weird Kai and Tala things. Personally, I go to sleep after sex."

"Same here."

Awkward silence falls upon us.

"So, do you want to?"

"Want to what?"

"Have sex?"

"Well… Erm…"

"Oh come on, Mariam. We've been going out for 6 months, and not even done it, yet."

"I know! I just want to go slow… And-"

"If this relationship was going any slower, we'd be going backwards."

I am not wrong.

9.00 in the pm

I honestly don't want to force Mariam into doing anything she wants to, so I'll have to get her in the mood… By stripping. No, not really!! The amount of times I've done that and she's chickened out even more is ridiculous…

So, kissing her like there's no tomorrow will have to do.

"Are you ready, now?" I ask her.

She nods.

Just as I was about to take her top off… She screams at me.

"I'VE GOT CHLAMYDIA!"

I stare at her and then shake my head.

"For God's sake, Mariam… Just cuddles tonight, then?"

A/N: Teehee. Sorry if this wasn't AS funny at 'Confessions'. I just need time to get back into the hilariousosity… Which isn't easy to say. I'm sure I'll get back into the groove soon, though.

I'll try and update real soon. Unless the Big Bang Machine under Switzerland creates a black hole tomorrow and we all end up dying…

I'm so optimistic today :D

This chapter would've been up yesterday, but… I got slightly drunk and ended up on Club Penguin and stayed on it until 2 in the morning /

So, did you guys enjoy this? I hope so, and if not, then that's OK. It WILL get better :D Review?