Abby couldn't sleep, all she could do was to think about Carter. Whenever she closed her eyes, his head popped up in her head.
They had had a big argument earlier that day and they hadn't talked to each other since that.
It had, like most of the times, been about her being afraid to tell her true feelings for him. That was what he thought, and Abby had said to him that he pushed her to hard and all he really wanted to hear was how great he was. Abby knew that wasn't the truth, he was right and she hated to admit it to herself.
She really loved him, so why was it so hard for her to say? Those three little words, which would mean so much to him. But she wasn't really a person who told her deep inside feelings to anyone. She wasn't sure why it was so difficult to her, maybe it was because if her rough childhood, and her always loosing the people that were the closest to her.
For example her dad; she had loved him a lot and she was really daddy's little girl. Then he had disappeared without saying good-bye. And her brother and her mother, she wasn't close to them anymore, she felt like she had lost them too. And then there was Richard, old bastard Richard, who had let her down and cheated on her.
Maybe it was because of that she was afraid to love anyone. Or at least admitting it
So she was afraid of lose him, and that was why she did lose him. How ironic!
Abby gave up all her tryings to get some sleep. All she wanted was to hear his voice. Maybe she could call him; he wouldn't be awake anyway so all she would hear was his answering machine.
She reached for the phone and dilated his number. Her heart jumped when she heard his voice after only one signal.
- Hello, he said not sounding sleepy at all, just a little bit sad.
Abby didn't know if she would answer or just hang up on him.
- Abby? It was his voice again.
- Yeah… Sorry to wake you up, she said quietly.
- Actually you didn't, I couldn't sleep anyway, he said.
- Yeah, me neither…
They were quiet for what felt like hours, but it only was a couple of seconds.
- So… You wanna go for a walk or something? John asked hopefully.
- Now? Yeah sure, Abby answered.
- Okay, then I'll be outside your house in ten minutes.
- Okay, see you then. Bye…
- Bye…
Abby stood outside waiting for John. She was freezing a little because all she was wearing was a thin shirt and her pajama pants. She thought about how much she wanted to make up with John again. There were two reasons for that. One was of course that she loved him and that she wanted to be with him, but she also had a thing that she needed to tell him. She had known for a week now and she had tried to wait for the perfect moment to tell him. She nearly told him earlier this day, but then they had started to fight and the perfect moment was gone. She hoped that he would be thrilled about it. That she had a growing life inside of her… That she was pregnant!
But she didn't want to tell him before they were okay again, that wouldn't feel right. It would feel like she forces him to be with her. She wanted him to be with her because he loved her. She would wait to tell him until they were okay again.
She now saw him coming towards her down the street. He was wearing pajama pants and he had his brown coat over the pajama t-shirt. Abby smiled a little, she couldn't help it. She loved when his hair was messy like it was now. He looked so cute, just like a little boy.
All she wanted right now was to run into his arms, kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. But she stopped herself, that would be far too desperate.
Instead she just started to walk when he was right next to her. She didn't say a word, neither did he. They just walked, side by side without saying anything. When they had walked for maybe a half an hour they reached the beach.
Abby started to cry quietly, she couldn't help herself. She thought about when she and Carter had gone out from the hospital after the Monkeypox quarantine. They had gone straight to the beach and they had had so much fun. She wished that they would be back at that exact moment when they were so happy. Everything was so different now, so many problems and arguments all the time, she just wanted it all to stop.
He must had seen her tears because he took her hand and caressed it softly.
- I'm sorry, he said sadly. I'm so sorry, Abby.
- No… I'm sorry, Abby said and started to cry even more. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for messing everything up! I'm sorry!
Abby was now crying so much that she couldn't say anything more.
John slowly took her in his arms and caressed her hair.
- Hey, it's okay, Abby. It's okay. You're not messing everything up, I am, he whispered.
He held her a long time until she stopped to cry. Then she looked him into his eyes.
- I'm sorry that I haven't told you how much you mean to me…
- I…, he started but Abby cut him off.
- Please, just listen.
John nodded and Abby started to talk again:
- I'm not really sure why it's so hard for me. I'm just not that kind of person who has a easy way to tell people what I feel for them. I guess that's because I'm scared, because when I tell someone how I feel, I'm admitting it for myself and then it just makes it so much harder when I lose that person. I really love you, John. I do. And that's why I'm scared. I love you so much that I don't know what to do. I have never felt like this before and I don't know what it's taking me. All I know is that I want to be with you! God, I'm rambling! I don't make sense, do I?
John smiled and took Abby's hands in his.
- No, you don't, he said. But I don't care because I heard that you love me and that you want to be with me. That's all that matters.
He kissed her and then he looked into her eyes again.
- I love you too, Abby, he said and smiled. And you won't lose me. At least not until we're like 90 years old or something. And then we will be together in heaven again, he said and laughed.
Abby got into his arms and they started to walk along the beach with their arms around each other. They walked up to the cliffs and there they sat down.
Abby was now shaking a little bit because it was pretty cold outside.
- Hey, are you freezing? John asked concerned.
- Only a little, Abby answered.
- Here, take my coat, John said and started to take his coat of.
- No, then you will be freezing, Abby said. I'm okay.
John took of the coat anyway and laid it over Abby's shoulders.
- I don't need it, he said and smiled. Your presence warms me up.
Abby laughed and gave him a kiss.
- Thank you for being so nice to me, she said and kissed him again.
- You make it easy, he said and smiled.
They were quiet for a while, looking at the gorgeous view from the cliffs.
- John… I need to tell you something, Abby suddenly said.
- Okay, what is it? He asked and looked at her. You sound serious.
- Yeah, it's serious…
- Is it something bad? He asked concerned.
- No, no… Abby said comforting. At least I hope not. I hope that you will think it's something good.
- Okay, so tell me. You're making me nervous here, John said and smiled.
- Okay, I'm just going to go right on this… I'm pregnant!
John was quiet for a long time like he didn't know what to say or do. Then he started to talk:
- You're pregnant?! Oh, my God!
He said it quiet and softly, like he was thinking very hard about something.
- Yeah…, Abby answered softly.
She couldn't tell on John's face if he thought it was good or bad. He was completely neutral. Then suddenly his face exploded into a huge huge smile and he started to cry.
- You're pregnant! It's amazing!
- It is? Abby said not sure how to react.
John just took her in his arms and held her for what felt like an hour. Then Abby started to cry too.
- We're having a baby, Abby!
John said it happier than ever.
- I know, Abby said and laughed. I know!
- So… Which week are you in?
- I don't know. I have only taken an ordinary pregnancy test, and it was positive. I wanted you to be there when I do the other tests.
John smiled and kissed her gently on the forehead.
- How long have you known? He asked.
- For almost a week. I've been waiting for the perfect moment to tell you.
- This was really the perfect moment, John said and smiled even more. He put his hand on Abby's belly and then he laid his head against it.
- Hey baby! He whispered. This is daddy.
- Schh… It's in the middle of the night, he must be sleeping, Abby said and laughed.
- He?
- He or she. I didn't mean anything about it. I don't care if it's a boy or a girl. As long as it's healthy, right?
- As long as it's healthy, John said and whispered to the belly again:
- Good night, baby! Mummy and daddy loves you very much! And we're longing for you to come out…