A/N: I'm moving my Destiel stuff over from my AO3. So hope you guys enjoy.

Warnings: Crack

xxxxxx

A record player starts playing mournful violin music over the fourth wall.

"If I go dark side...you gotta take me out." Dean stared at Castiel across the table with finality in his gaze.

There was a silence as Castiel tried to wrap his head around what he had just heard, there was no way that after all they had been through that Dean was suggesting...

"You mean..." He couldn't. Castiel just could not, in all of his existence understand what was happening, he refused to understand and his denial brought nothing but pain to his own self.

"Yes."

"...Are you kidding me?" The sad violin music comes to a screeching halt.

Dean can only stare wide-eyed as Castiel scoffs and in a totally out of character moment crosses his arms and puts both feet on the table, leaning back in his chair precariously.

"Okay okay hold up," Castiel whips off the sunglasses he had supposedly been wearing the whole time dramatically and fixes his disbelieving stare on the ever confused Dean Winchester. "You're telling me, that I've been trying so hard to get in your pants this whole time and you only decide to get with me when you go dark side? I am so offended."

"Wh-" Dean can only sputter as his bewilderment renders him speechless.

"Like, am I really that ugly that you have to turn into a heartless demon in order to want a piece of my ass?" Castiel gestures up and down his body with an eyebrow raised in disbelief. "Are you kidding me, GURL I'M NOT SOME CHEAP ASS HO. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? YOU MIGHT HAVE A FINE ASS BUT I DON'T LOOK LIKE ROADKILL EITHER."

"I wasn't-"

"But since you keep insisting sure, I'll go out with you." Interrupts Castiel as he nonchalantly checks out his nails.

"Ummm..." Dean Winchester has fought many battles and wasn't stupid either but he honest to god did not know how to respond to this situation. "Cas, I think you misunder-"

"SHHHHHH" Castiel gets up from his chair with a flourish and crowds into Dean's personal space, leaning down and putting a single finger to his lips. "Yes I'll marry you."

"WAIT WHA-" Dean is interrupted yet again as Castiel grabs him by the hand and drags him out of his chair towards Sam's room.

"We will make out next to Sam's closet."

"Okay wait, I know there's more important things but why outside of Sam's closet why not in-"

Castiel comes to a halt in the middle of the hall and lays a pitying hand on Dean's shoulder before saying "We're not going to make out in the closet because lord knows you're not hetero enough for that." Castiel leans in closer and whispers in Dean's ear "Honey, your hetero died the moment I strutted into that warehouse. I'm so sorry for your loss but hey, more for me." Castiel grins winningly at him before continuing his kidnapping of Dean Winchester.

In between the muffled protests one could hear exclamations such as "I didn't drag your fat ass out of hell in order to put a platonic hand print on you." or "I CALLED DIBS." or "We're going to have so many gaybies."

As the sound of a door closing echoes through the bunker so did the one last resounding whimper and a snarled hiss of "DIBSSSSS".

fin

A/N: I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE. WTF. WHAT. I'M SO DONE THIS IS WHAT DESTIEL DOES TO ME. I'M DONE. I CAN'T EVEN.

ANY REVIEW IS APPRECIATED.