Takes place immediately after Gwen's Wedding:
WILLING TO COMMIT
It had been a wonderful day in the end. Not quite a fairytale wedding, but definitely a fairytale ending. Gwen could not have chosen better and though Jack found himself guilty of jealously he had realised it wasn't because of Gwen as a person. It was because she was going to get the chance of a life that none of the rest of them had. He knew how important it would be for them to protect that. Jack had to admire Rhys for his determination to hold on to the woman he so deeply loved, because Gwen was no angel. He found himself smiling at that. More than once he had nearly over stepped the mark by asking her to his bed and now he was glad that he hadn't. It would have been all kinds of messy. He loved her dearly but could never love her the way Rhys did. Jack didn't do love that well, a certain young Welshman could attest to that.
Ianto.
Jack frowned at the thought. Ianto had been very quiet on the drive back from the hotel and asked to be dropped at home. Jack had failed to hide his disappointment because right now he wanted Ianto, underneath him, inside him and screaming his name. Things had been a little cool between them over recent weeks. They hadn't argued or anything, Ianto had just discretely distanced himself, once again retreating into his own private world and refusing Jack's attempts at affection. At first Jack put it down to the whole missing time thing. That had spooked Ianto massively because in the weeks that followed he had been subject to some horrific nightmares that had lift him a quivering wreck on many a night. He'd taken Owen's situation quite hard too. They all had but Ianto seemed to be afraid of the medic these days and had admitted to Jack that he couldn't look at Owen any more and he felt ashamed of it.
The dance they had shared at Gwen's wedding was the first physical contact between them for nearly a month. Jack had actually been nervous, not sure of Ianto's intentions or feelings.
Jack returned the photos he had been looking at back in to the tin. He didn't want anything to break his happy mood, but he didn't want to spend another night alone and somehow a random pretty stranger didn't seem especially appealing either.
He picked up his mobile and speed dialled Ianto. It took a moment for him to pick up the call.
"Jack?"
"Hey. I was wondering if you were in bed yet?"
"Yes, as it happens. Everything all right?"
"Yes, everything's fine…..Can I come over?"
There was a pause.
"OK, I'll get the coffee on then shall I?"
Was that reluctance in his voice?
"That sounds wonderful, be there very soon."
Ianto dumped his mobile on the bedside cabinet and hauled himself out of bed. Typical bloody Jack, today of all days. He padded barefoot across the bedroom pulling on a t-shirt and PJ bottoms before going to the kitchen. He got the coffee brewing then went to his lounge to tidy up the array of photos he'd been looking at. The front door opened as he was doing this.
"Ianto?"
"In here Jack."
He hurriedly piled the items in a shoebox and pushed it under the sofa. He straightened up and smiled a bit sheepishly at Jack.
"Did I interrupt something?"
Ianto shook his head. "Just getting rid of my mess so you could sit down. I'll get that coffee."
Jack hung up his famous coat and followed Ianto into the kitchen, taking in the view of an exposed hip as his PJ bottoms had slid down a bit. Ianto hitched them up.
"Stop gawking Jack."
"How the hell did you know?"
"You weren't talking, you either talk or stare. Don't ask me why. You just do." Ianto turned and handed him a mug of his amazing coffee. Jack stood there breathing the aroma.
"Wow."
The transformation on Jack's face brought a brief flicker of a smile to Ianto's lips and Jack had to resist very hard not to kiss them.
"You not having one?"
"It's 3 in the morning Jack and it's been a very long day."
"Are you trying to make me feel guilty?"
Ianto crossed his arms over his chest hugging himself. "Yes, but since you're here…well we may as well at least sit whilst you finish making love to the mug."
They wandered into the lounge and Ianto curled up on the end of his sofa and pulled the throw over his shoulder for warmth. Jack settled down beside him. A bit closer than Ianto would've liked.
"So, what was so urgent that you felt the need to come round at this ungodly hour?"
"I wanted to see you."
"Jack, you've seen me, all day at work a whole 15 hours straight as I recall." Ianto picked at his fingernails.
"You seem a little sad, and you've been distant with me. I'm missing you and I don't know what I have done wrong."
Ianto gave him a guilty look; he was a little shocked to see real concern in Jack's eyes.
"I've had a lot to think about lately."
"Tell me."
Ianto shifted slightly so he could face Jack better.
"I was planning on resigning tomorrow."
Jack almost spat out his coffee. "What?"
"It's ok. I'm not going to now. Today has been a bit of a revelation for me."
"In what way?"
"This is hard to explain Jack."
Jack reached across and grasped his hand.
"We have plenty of time. Come on Ianto, what's on your mind?"
"I realised to day that I can never have that life, the one that Gwen and Rhys have chosen. It was only meant for Lisa and me and now she's gone. Truth is Jack when we lost those 48 hours I was truly terrified that I'd done something so bad that you forced me to forget. I really believed that I had some evil lurking inside me and there was no one I could turn to. No family, no friends out there that would ever understand my fears and my pain. I mean how could they with what we do? I miss that Jack, all I do is live and breathe Torchwood and You. You've hurt me so often I've lost count with your casual sleepovers that aren't me, the innuendo, the flirting, and the way you look at Gwen. Each time I just feel more diminished. I feel like I have no value and I've lost sight of Ianto Jones. I had a future before Lisa died…."
"I'm sorry. I didn't realise I was such a bitch."
"You're not Jack. Lisa was my first lover if she were still alive she'd be only one I ever had. You and I are just there. You never promised me anything and I never asked you to. I just thought that one day I'd be more to you than that, hoped we'd become exclusive to each other without having to say it."
Jack couldn't meet his look. "You certainly know how to make me feel guilty."
Ianto smiled. "It's not my intention. You see today I figured everything out. Gwen and Rhys have survived Torchwood, thus far. God knows how. She is my friend Jack and I am in a unique position to be able to protect that precious thing that they have, a normal life. Maybe even kids one day. I don't belong in that world anymore. The only way I could live that life is for you to Retcon the last 5 years into oblivion and if that happens then I am even further away from who I actually am. My family is You, Gwen, Tosh and even Owen. You are all I have, pathetic I realise. I don't want to find love out there and then have them trying to pick up the pieces when I get shot or ripped to pieces by a Weevil. I have to make a choice. It's either Torchwood or a normal life. I don't want to sacrifice my past for the future; I wouldn't be Ianto Jones anymore if I did that. So Torchwood it is."
Jack was gaping at him. "Why didn't you talk to me?"
"Because I love you Jack, which is the other reason why I can't leave."
Jack was lost for words.
"Jack close your mouth."
"You love me? After all that you've just said. You still love me?"
Ianto nodded.
"But I…."
"Treat me like shit, yeah. It doesn't matter. I understand that you and I could never be more than we are. I suppose I've learnt to accept that now."
Jack put the mug down on the floor and took both of Ianto's hands in his. Their eyes met blue on blue, holding one another as if the rest of the room just vanished into the black.
"I can't believe it. I thought we were over for sure."
"Jack I said I loved you, but we are over unless there's a radical change in the dynamics of our relationship."
"What ever it takes Ianto. I'll do it."
"Just find it in your heart to fall in love with me. I have to be the only one. I want to be the only one, so long as I am alive."
Jack smiled and rested his forehead against Ianto's.
"That's easy, but I expect two things in return."
"Name them."
"Trust me. And hold on to your life for as long as you can, because I don't want to live any longer than I have to with out you."
Ianto gently brushed his lips with a chaste kiss.
"Deal."