Illyria's Lament.
Although it has been months, I still feel this grief. It never ends and I cannot seem to make it go away. Even the simplest actions hurt and I feel my eyes fill with water. Breathing has become difficult and I often suffer…attacks where I want all life to end. I find myself wishing I never came back, that I had remained in my prison, slumbering forever.
I want to cause violence, break things, rip spines apart, and I often do so. It seems to help, but the feeling never lasts long. So I continually maim and murder these scum, these weak, unworthy demons. It is a never-ending battle, just as he said it would be.
Wesley.
His death should have been meaningless to me, but it was everything but. I am changed by this loss. Changed by him in general. I should not have cared, but I meant those last words I had spoken as his life ended in my arms. Dressed as the girl he loved, I told Wesley that I had loved him. And I think I did, now knowing more about the human emotion.
I wonder if that was how this body died in his arms. Did he tell Fred that he loved her as she took her final breaths? Or was it already too late?
It should not have mattered to me, but I cannot help but think of it. I must accept that I will never know the answers to my questions, for there is no one left to answer them.
As I had predicted, Gunn's mortal wound was the death of him. He was a brave warrior and took out many demons as he fought, dying. He lasted a long time, much longer than I would have thought possible. The will of humans can be astounding. I wish I had been able to inform Wesley of this discovery.
Spike, too, fought well. He killed many, using the demons as a means to express his feelings. He had a lot of feelings. But feelings cannot save you from the apocalypse, and the vampire was finally taken down, turning into dust before he hit the ground.
And then there was Angel. He fought gallantly, without fear, without remorse. He did destroy the dragon, as he had wanted and so many other creatures after that. Vengeance fueled him in his last battle, and he tore apart the fiends that murdered Gunn and Spike.
I only wished that I could have done so myself. I had to make due with the monster that was able to kill Angel. It was one of the last, though there were many that had escaped. Ever since then, I have been trying to find them and destroy them. They are not worthy to walk this earth, but a power greater than I put them here. If only I had my complete power, then maybe I could destroy them all, as well as these 'senior partners'. Then maybe things would be right again.
Maybe Wesley would not have died. I could have slowed the demon and destroyed him before he could stab Wesley. But I could not. I was not strong enough. I am weak. Unworthy. Humiliated. Scorned. So much of mine has been taken away from me, and I cannot have it back.
So why do I continue to fight? Why do I continue to risk my life to finish what the others had started? Why do I not run and hide, keep myself safe instead of seeking out demons?
Because Wesley would have wanted it that way. And there is nothing else for me to do.