AN: This is a story for YenGirl as a prize for her wonderful review to "Picture Perfect" and her wonderful reviews in general.
She asked for CrossxYagari pairing and believe me – even if now it sounds more like YagarixCross, it will be CrossxYagari where it matters – i.e. in the second chapter of this two(hopefully not more, though who knows?)-shot. The same second chapter will have an M rating, though to what extent I'm as yet unsure.
In more general terms – it takes up after the end of the anime (which is different from what happens in manga). Yuuki left with Kaname, Zero left alone, Yagari became the President of the Hunter Association because Cross, who was initially offered that position has flatly refused. I think it is all that is necessary to understand the setting.
Edit: I have re-written this chapter somewhat, especially toward the ending, so please - check. And many thanks to (who else?) YenGirl for faithfully checking it for mistakes and typos!
Disclaimers: I do not own not manga, nor anime, and none of its characters. I just borrowed them for a time to play and give back.
"Sulking much?"
The voice startled the person who sat on the steps, wrapped up in that incongruous green scarf of his, like a really big owl gloomily surveying the darkened garden, and for a first moment, when the words or indeed – the familiarity of that voice – didn't quite penetrate the man's thoughts, his instantly alert turning-around and springing-up motion carried the precision and grace of a born hunter… Only then - he recognized of course who his visitor was and the whole expected spectacle of domesticated clumsiness and whiny squeals kicked in with gusto…
"Ow To-o-ouga!.. I haven't seen you in a-a-ages!.. You should have called… I'd have cooked us a proper dinner tonight!.. Wait, I can still cook it!.. Come into the house, do!.. I've been missing you, like, ter-rib-ly!!"
"Really?"
Was it his own tiredness or just that the clownishly exaggerated act lacked conviction, now that the man didn't have an everyday audience to practice it on, but Touga found he didn't have patience for it tonight and the strength of his exasperation showed in the quiet but forceful way that he almost ordered now:
"Oh… cut the crap!"
He half expected Cross to take offense or to burst in those fake tears he used to pour so often in the olden times… He didn't expect him to just fall into awkward silence, looking up on Yagari out of slightly myopic hazel eyes filled with confusion and a little (but genuine) hurt… And it only reinforced the hunter's assumptions that his friend was not faring so good alone, and he was right in his decision to visit and check for himself.
"Uh... come on," Touga muttered somewhat guiltily, lowering himself onto the step where Cross had been sitting before, "can we just stay here and talk for awhile?.. I have almost forgotten how quiet and peaceful the evenings here could be…"
He felt rather than saw the other man sitting down as well - a little aside from him, and lit up a cigarette, not fearing the habitual reprimand since there weren't any students here to be endangered by this "unfortunate habit" of his.
"Troubles at the Association?" Cross queried tentatively when the silence lengthened and Touga still had not initiated the talk.
"Like there was a time when there weren't any?" Yagari chuckled and was rewarded by an answering chuckle from the older hunter. But the sound rang hollow in the quiet of a late August evening, and Touga was glad that he sat with his blind side to the other, as he fought that inexplicable pang in his chest…
He really should've come earlier… Never mind he was virtually drowned in his duties as the newly appointed President of the Association… Never mind it was all really the old man's fault – for dropping the appointment into Touga's unsuspecting lap when he flatly refused to have anything to do with "organization, which primary goal was hunting vampires", even though right now they were finally truly only hunting the hopeless level Es and those of other classes that were confirmed as murdering criminals by the vampire society itself… Never mind it all… he should have come earlier… not after eight months, and then only because the previous day when he was driven to yet another "important meeting" and their car slowed right beside the Academy gates to let a few heavily laden trucks to pass inside he involuntary spotted the Chairman arguing with construction workers near the guardhouse – all this "fluttering shawl" and the jumping and the stomping and the… crap… but there was something oddly half-hearted in the whole act… as if the man lacked either stamina or will to immerse himself fully in his purpose…
The cigarette burned his fingers and he dropped it cursing softly under his breath, crushing it with the heel into the sand and gravel of the path. And as he turned a little towards Cross to check whether the other man minded him spoiling thus his so precious "grounds", he found Kaien watching him with a puzzled and subtly concerned expression… Was he acting so out of character he gave a reason for concern?
"Why exactly did you come here, Touga?"
Well, it looked like he was…
"Have you heard anything from the Kurans since they left?" He answered with a question of his own, the one that he meant to ask anyway, only somehow couldn't gather the courage till now… and the little gasp that the other man uttered, turning his eyes aside to hide a tinge of bitterness, told him that it hurt just as he feared it would.
"Oh, of course…" The Chairman muttered after a moment - trying to sound his usual chirpy self but not exactly succeeding. "There was a lovely present from Yuuki for my birthday – such a beautiful, beautiful cashmere shawl and a cute little card – I think from Agra… And Kaname had transferred the money for the rebuild once they reached London… and he also wrote me a letter, telling that though neither he nor Yuuki would be able to further attend, he still is all for promoting the co-existence and he hoped that I will reopen the Academy once the restoration is complete…"
The cheerfulness just seemed to seep away from Cross's voice more and more as he spoke, as if he himself could not help but understand how lame this excuse of a "correspondence" sounded, yet - as Touga uneasily imagined now – he must've read and re-read both little missives to no end, clinging to an illusion of contact… after all it decidedly sounded like he was quoting Kaname's style straight from the page…
"Have you heard anything from Zero?"
Even though Touga expected to be asked that… there was something touching in the slightly defiant manner the question was asked… true concern (he knew that Kaien was fairly dying to learn how his third and most volatile charge was doing in the outside world)… but also a hidden get back – daring Touga to prove if he did any better with all this "keeping in touch" thing… which he most certainly didn't… only used the unfair advantage that his position granted him, that's all…
"From Zero?" Yagari repeated. "And what do you think?.. But he works for the Association, of course, and that makes me his highest ranking official…" He chuckled softly. "So I can keep track of him, if not a contact with him… and ensure that he is continuously busy – which is the easiest way to keep that boy out of trouble…"
"Isn't it counterproductive in the long run? To have him constantly live with violence?" The Chairman asked, turning sharply towards the hunter and for the first time looking genuinely involved in their dialogue… which was an effect that Touga aimed for, even if he did feel unaccountably guilty because he had this opportunity – to still watch out for Zero, while the other man sulked alone, helplessly watching his charges drift farther and farther away.
"Could be…" He agreed mildly, "but then – according to the new rules we try to trace the origins of every level E we have to dispose of… and this information somehow ends up where Zero can read it… so he knows they are mostly the remnants of the last conflict... and weren't created recently…"
"Really? There are no recents?" The faint incredulity in the question reminded Yagari that whatever the appearances – the man he now talked with was shrewder than most.
"There are… some…" He conceded easily. "But if it happens, the boy is elsewhere... and heavily engaged…"
He met the hazel glance squarely with a little apologetic shrug, but there was nothing but quiet understanding and reassurance in the other man's eyes. 'Don't expect me to judge you,' they seemed to say, 'we do what we have to…'
"I also lend him to the human police from time to time… in the spirit of co-operation… his vampire and hunter senses come handy in solving some cases… and I hope it rubs on him somehow that not only vampires can act like beasts…"
"So very pedagogical, Touga…" Cross actually giggled somewhere midst in his teasing comment, surprising the hunter into his own slightly embarrassed chuckle.
"Yeah, still trying…"
"Isn't it dangerous though?" the Chairman queried worriedly as his mind had no doubt drawn out the possible consequences of Zero participating in a police act. "What if the blood is spilled?"
"That's why there is always a person that I can trust on such assignments with him…" And do you not think I would've thought of it before sending him? "And why they always have a pack of donor blood in the car freezer… The only time they used it though was for a transfusion to an abduction victim… Don't worry, Kaien, the boy is doing just fine…"
A light companionable silence stretched out between the two of them, filled by the little sounds of a late summer night in the country – the kind of silence they never had a chance or patience to share before. And even now Touga felt how it was slipping through their fingers like sand or water… or dust… or life… with such a gentle wistfulness…
"I wish I could see…"
"Are you terribly missing them?"
They spoke at once – and in fact about one and the same thing – yet something seemed to break almost audibly between them, and Kaien Cross hunched even lower where he sat, putting the hand to his forehead, raking it through his hair, long wheat-colored strands slipping right out the pony-tail to fall over his face.
"That's why you came, isn't it?" He asked softly. "To learn whether I'm missing them too much… whether I'm like one of those forty-ish house-wives whose children have moved on and who suddenly understands she hasn't had a life of her own…" He shook his head slightly, which only resulted in more strands falling out, completely obscuring his face. "Well, I am…" He admitted. "What now?.. Go on, tell me I'm pathetic…"
The painful despondency emanating from the older man's frame was so palpable that Touga had to hold himself firmly in check lest he did something stupid...
...like go and hug him tightly from behind and whisper that everything was going to be alright and that kind of sweet nonsense…
...like promise to go shake the damn kids and make them call him at once or better yet drag them here for a prolonged visit... futile – since they really had their own lives to live now, and it was time that Kaien also accepted that and moved on…
... like say something, anything that could be considered as pity – because, for one – it was miracle that Cross opened up to him at all, and that – he knew – was only because, in a way, he counted on Touga remaining his usual - somewhat distant, somewhat sarcastic - self, not someone who was likely to offer pity, and because right now even a vestige of condescension could easily break what was left of his fragile pride.
"Would it help…" The hunter said finally, "If I said that you are?"
Cross sighed, but his back has straightened a little, and his eyes now stared into the darkness that quietly engulfed the grounds, not down on his knees as he answered with a hint of bitter amusement.
"Not much… but at least I'd know you're honest with me."
"Well," Touga let some amusement show in his own voice, "why don't you do what those forty-ish house-wives resort to, when they find themselves in a predicament you are now?"
"Which would be?"
"Ha! Like I would know!" Touga chuckled, encouraged by a definite note of tentative interest in his friend's voice… Maybe, if he just planted an idea… in a roundabout way… of the necessity to let the past go and move on... "Marry again and get a brand-new child?.. Find a job?.. Or just go on a romp and shag anything that moves like no tomorrow?"
An unmistakable little chuckle sounded from where the other man now turned to face him full on.
"That's what you would've chosen… that last bit about shagging… isn't it, Touga?"
His eyes were laughing but pain was still there – skin deep behind laugh. And still, in Touga's book, it was already a dramatic improvement…
"Yeah…" He drawled lazily, "that's most probable… or maybe the marriage and kids part… after all we both already have a full-time job… and anyway," he added with contrasting seriousness, "I wouldn't be…"
He paused, searching for words. What he wanted to say essentially was "I wouldn't be in this situation, because I never let myself get so close to anyone that losing them would hurt me so much", but it somehow didn't sound right… nor was absolutely true... come to that - there were exceptions…
"You wouldn't be – what?" Cross repeated - all traces of amusement gone, just a tiny hitch on the last 'what' oddly stressing the even and listless tone. And Touga had an uneasy suspicion that his friend had misinterpreted his pause in the most unfortunate way possible. "Sulking alone… as a damn… forty-plus old… virgin… like I do?.."
He gulped sharply as his mind registered the freudian slip of the tongue, horrified paleness flooding the expressive face - only to be replaced by the deepest blush that Touga saw in his life – even on Zero – proving beyond proof that whatever other word Kaien meant to use (a timid "house-wife" again - most likely) his subconscious just played him up – substituting it with shameful, unadmittable truth.
"Vir…virgin?" the hunter stammered, a little laugh escaping totally against his will – just a sign of his own embarrassment... But the sinking feeling inside his gut knew that in the state his friend was in that would be misinterpreted too and cause an utter disaster…
"No, Kaien, wait…" he called as the older man straightened, turning towards the house, his arms wrapping themselves tightly around the stomach and chest - an instinctive gesture of shielding himself against the world, as the hunter well knew - but it still looked like Kaien was in physical pain, his voice usteady and rasping...
"Go on, Touga, laugh… Don't restrain yourself on my behalf… So now you know... it all... I will… just leave you alone… if you'll excuse me…"
It was final, he knew… He was losing his friend over a stupid laugh that was nothing but an instinctive reaction… over stupid misunderstanding… over…
"Please, Kaien, stop… listen to me!" He scrambled up clumsily, almost tripping over the folds of his own long coat, rushing up the steep steps towards the quickly retreating figure… "Please, listen to me!"
He only caught up with Cross at the very door, grabbing him by the shoulder to halt his flight. Before he goes inside and slams the door right into my face...
"Please, Kaien…" He pleaded breathlessly, but the older man, though forcibly stopped - didn't show in any way that he was listening, his shoulder rigid under Touga's hand, his whole frame trembling with compressed frustration and shame.
"I didn't want to laugh…" The hunter started slowly, soothingly… "Hell!.. I didn't mean to laugh!.. No, wait… Shit!.. I wouldn't laugh at you, Kaien… ever… unless it is that comic "house-wife-y" act that you pull for kids and strangers… but you really intend that for laughs and so that nobody would take you too seriously… uh… what I was saying..." he caught himself rambling - confused and mad on his own behalf as he currently was it was damnably hard to find the words... but at least the shoulder under his hand had relaxed a little, "what I was saying was... that I was surprised… that's all… I mean… I do understand in the last ten years – with Yuuki, and Zero, and the school… but back in your hunter days… you've cut such a damn fine figure… strolling around with that long sword of yours... and you were a hero… a mystery... the best of the best... both girls and boys must've been falling over themselves for a bit of your company… that's why I was… surprised… but that's all, I swear!"
He knew that it sounded lame and was preparing for the moment when the man he was holding would shrug impatiently under his hand, urging him to let go… Well, that was that… he tried… and failed... and what's worse - his efforts had hurt where he had intended to help...
But Cross did no such thing, he only leaned his head, resting it on the doorframe – as if he too – was counting the chances lost, and his voice when he spoke was full of bleak resignation, almost savage in its finality.
"Is it so surprising?.." He asked bitterly. "I was barely Zero's age when I first met Juri Kuran… And she was already… as she was to her death… as kind… and honest… and beautiful… a magic being that I couldn't possibly have… but does it ever stop the youth?.." He sighed and a little painful amusement at his own naiveté crept into his voice when he continued. "You're right of course, I guess I was sought out – in those early days… and, you know what?.. it's not even that I refused the offers out of some noble notion – like not wanting to taint my love for her with the lowly pleasures… I killed her kind... how more tainted can one get?.. but the reason for why I refused was that in my haughty silly infatuated mind - I just didn't care for any of them one hundredth of how I cared for her… and... I guess I was a little... scared too... so - it just... didn't seem worth the trouble...and by the time that the abstinence grew truly painful I didn't figure that I'd live long enough for it to matter… only it was she, who died… and after that - there was Yuuki… and Kaname… and Zero… and the school… and now they are not here… much as the "going on a romp" that you suggested is tempting…" Cross chuckled mirthlessly, and his fingers whitened where they held on the door. "I'm not that naïve any more… who'd need me?.. who'd want me - now I'm forty-two… and totally unskilled – to boot…"
"I would."
It was the second time in this night that the words (or sounds) had escaped Touga's lips unbidden, and he reeled under the impact of this (second) betrayal of his instinct over mind, feeling the heat rising from under suddenly too tight collar and spreading over his one exposed cheek. Oh, right... and now Cross would think he had said it out of pity... and he would stomp inside... and shut the door in his face... and hurt like hell...
But it was what he wanted. Simple and easy - it was what he wanted. Such an old, silly, unfulfilled wish…
And he gathered his courage and repeated – this time slowly and deliberately…
"I would."