Disclaimer: I do not own the Phantom of the Opera, or any of it's characters, in any size shape or form. I am, however, quite fond of all of the POTO characters, and the following is merely an affectionate little bashing. I'd appreciate comments, as this is my first attempt.

"Past The Point of No Return" has been performed, Erik and Christine have dropped through a hole in the stage floor, the chandelier has crashed, the opera house is ablaze, and people are fleeing from the fire. Raoul has just asked Madame Giry where the Phantom has taken Christine, and she has agreed to show him.

Chapter One

Madame Giry: "But remember, keep you hand at the level of your eye!"

Raoul(Thumbing his nose at Madame Giry): "Like this, Madame Giry?"

Madame Giry: "No, No, you idiot...that's keep your thumb at the level of your nose! I said hand...at the level of your eye!" (shakes her head in disgust) "Zut Alores!"

Raoul bounces ahead of her, thumbing his nose at everyone he passes.

Raoul: See! See! Madame Giry taught me how to do this! Try it! it's fun!

Madame Giry (to same passers-er-runners-by): Pay no attention him! He is an idiot!(Everyone nods in emphatic agreement as they flee the burning opera house)

Madame Giry and Raoul race into the Diva's dressing room, open the mirror, and begin their long descent into the bowels of the opera house. Down, down down they go.

Raoul: Let's see, keep my foot at the level of my mouth...nope, can't walk that way. Uh, keep my butt at the level of my face...ewww! Keep my esophagus at...

Somewhere overhead, a ghostly chorus sings "Keep your hand at the level of your eye," but Raoul can't hear them, as he's presently keeping his fingers at the level of his ears.

Madame Giry (interrupting): This is as far as I dare go. Good luck Monsieur. (shouting)You are nearing the Phantom's Lair now! I hope dear Erik...er...the Evil Phanthom does not take measures to stop you!

Faintly, Erik's voice echoes up to them: Ok, Madame Giry, and thanks!

Raoul, keeping his elbow at the level of his left nipple, races down the flight of stone steps, and disappears from view..

Raoul: Thank you, Madame Gir-r-r-y! (sound of a thud) A-h-h-h-h-! -(splash)!

Madame Giry(whispering ): Look out Monsieur, there is a trapdoor! (shakes her head) Stupid, stupid boy! (shouting) Oh, no! Raoul has fallen through the trap door and surely has drowned! Oh, my dear friend...er...The Madman has Christine at his mercy, now!

She turns to leave, but before she gets too far, a dripping Raoul comes running up the steps with his hair at the level of his liver.

Madam Giry: Never mi-n-nd! Raoul has returned! Merde...uh hoopla!

Raoul: Oh! Madame Giry! It was most kind of you to offer me a swim in your pool, but I just don't have time. Do you have a towel?

Madame Giry: No! I do not! Sacre Bleu, but you are annoying! Hurry, run and save your girlfriend!

Raoul: Oh, uh, OK! And I know, I know...keep my watch at the level of my hat, right?

Madame Giry: You are not wearing a hat, you idiot...uh, never mind, Vicomte, that's exactly right. Now for the love of God, go!

Raoul: Thank you Madame Gi-r-r-r-y! A-h-h-h! (splash)!

Madame Giry: Stupid, stupid boy!