Title: This Aching Heart Ain't Broken Yet
Fandom:Glee
Genre: Romance/Humour
Status:Complete
Pairing: Quinn/Rachel
Rating: A very mild M.
Words:2,600
Summary: How do you recover from losing the person who mattered most to you? You take it one step at a time, and you smile.
Spoilers: It's AU. Character death. Spoiler: It's neither Rachel nor Quinn.
Disclaimer: Don't own Glee, will never own Glee.
Note: Title taken from Adam Lambert's 'Time For Miracles'.
The blonde sighs and slips the picture back into her pocket. It was useless to dwell. It was over. She was gone and everything was over. And it was her fault. She'd pushed the girl away and hey, guess what? The girl was gone now. Gone forever, never to return. The blonde woman sighs again.
She pulls her knees up against her chest and links her arms around them. The rough material of her jeans scrapes painfully against the scars on her arm, but she doesn't react. The pain is nothing compared to the emptiness in her chest. She digs her bare toes into the sand and gazes out across the sea.
The tall blonde watches as the waves and the sky darkens and a light rain begins to fall. Drizzle. It was drizzling.
"I love it when it rains like that. It feels cooler but not cold and the water is just so refreshing." Dark, long, now wet tresses slap gently against the blonde's stomach as the brunette settles her head against it. The two girls are lying on the deserted beach, revelling in the peace they share.
"I know,' the blonde smiles and tilts her face up to face the crowds, closing her eyes when a raindrop hits her on the cheek. "It's perfect. Like you."
The brunette laughs and suddenly crawls up the blonde's torso, straddling her. She smiles mischievously. "We're alone."
The blonde smirks and grips the brunette by her waist. She licks her lips, tasting rain. "Yes, yes we are." She motions for the brunette to lean down and then she feels soft lips caress her own.
Suddenly frustrated and angry, the blonde stands up, scowling darkly. Facing the sea, she has the sudden urge to drown herself in the cold water, to let go and be free. She doesn't. Too many things hold her back.
Instead, she pulls a small, black velvet box out of her front pocket. As the rain falls around her, she opens it slowly to reveal an engagement ring. Its platinum band shimmers mockingly at her.
The blonde laughs scornfully and loudly. She stretches out towards the sky, yelling, "I hate you! I fucking hate you! You can't do stuff like that… We were happy and you just… You just…" Her anger drains away as suddenly as it had appeared. "I hate you,' she whispers.
She takes three running steps and stops abruptly at the edge of the sea, her hand coming up to hurl the box and its contents as far away from herself as she possibly can. Something small glitters brightly as it's flung high into the sky before falling into the sea with a soft 'plop'. She clenches her fists and curls her toes to prevent herself from diving in to go get it back.
Her pocket feels strangely empty. The box had been there since that day and now it was just… empty.
"Baby, I'm sorry! I never wanted to-"
"Well fuck that! You never wanted to, but you did anyway, didn't you?"
"I'm sorry! I don't even like-"
"What? Like men? Well, now you're in love with one so hah, funny how that works out, isn't it? I mean, did I turn you straight? Was I not enough for you?"
"That's not it! Damnit, you're amazing, Quinn, but I'm not the one for you. You'll find someone else, someone better."
"How sure of that are you? As sure of 'the fact' that you were in love with me? And what makes you think I want anyone else?"
"Quinn, I'm sorry."
"Go. Just go. I don't want to see you again."
"We have to talk about this!"
"No! There's nothing to talk about. I love you, you love him, he loves you. Clearly, I'm the one who doesn't fit in this equation."
"We never meant for this to happen, Quinn. I thought you and I were forever. He thought you and I were forever."
"Stop. Please stop. Get out of here. Just go, for fuck's sake! Go and be happy! Just… just fuck off!"
And she does.
"Hey,' a soft voice calls out to her from behind. Through the tears and rain mixing in her eyes, making them sting, the blonde makes out the shape of a petite woman, similar in shape to… "Tina?" her voice cracks.
Then the woman emerges out of the fog to reveal herself to be a short, pretty brunette.
"No, Rachel, actually. Rachel Berry." She sticks her right hand out.
The blonde shakes it mechanically. "Quinn Fabray."
"So, I've never seen you around here before,' Rachel comments casually. "Are you alone?"
Quinn starts to say 'no', because she always came here with Tina, but now… "Yeah,' she says gruffly, 'I'm alone." She backs away from the wet sand and slumps down onto the beach again. Without a word, the brunette drops down next to her.
"Bad breakup?" she asks sympathetically.
"You could say that." Quinn takes a deep breath, then allows herself to say for the very first time, "No, she passed away in a car accident." She swallows hard against the sob rising in her throat. Hadn't six months of tears been enough?
A warm hand rubs soothing circles on her back and she realizes that she is crying great heaving sobs. She curls into herself as her breathing slowly approaches regularity again before sitting up weakly. She is used to these crying fits that came from nowhere, but usually she had enough self-control to stop herself from doing it in front of complete strangers. But today, she is here and it's been six months without her and it's just too much.
"You want to talk about it?' the stranger asks.
For some unknown reason, she does. For six months she'd cried in private. Breaking down in front of this total stranger who's not judging her is strangely liberating. She had had to console Tina's family as they cried. No one had been there to console her. Maybe now there was.
"Let's walk."
"Hello?"
"Hello, Quinn Fabray?"
"Yes, can I help you?"
"This is the White Memorial Medical Centre. You're listed as an emergency number for a Ms. Tina Cohen-Chang?"
"Oh my god. Is she okay?" Quinn's heart stops for a second and restarts at twice the pace when she hears the words.
"She was in a car accident.' A pause. 'It's pretty bad. She's in critical-'
But Quinn was already in her car and on the way to the hospital.
"When I got there, she was groggy and almost unconscious. I was too late. She was covered in blood and cuts and-' Quinn bites her lip, 'And then she asked me for Artie Abrams. I couldn't- I couldn't refuse her, not like that. She looked so… I love, loved her and whatever she wanted I just- I called him. But it was too late. I was too late. I watched the life leave her eyes,' Quinn mumbles, staring down at her feet, 'She just grabbed my hand and she felt so cold already and then she-she just...died..."
"Q, I love you. I'm so sorry." The grip on her hand weakens. Quinn, trembling hard with the effort of not breaking down, kisses Tina wetly on the forehead.
"It doesn't matter right now, Tina. You have to… You just have to hold on, okay? The doctors… Artie… They…" But they both know it's too late.
Tina shakes her head slowly, wincing in pain. And then she blinks at Quinn. "I love…"
And then she's gone.
And Quinn is sobbing, clutching at her shoulders, screaming for her to come back. But she doesn't, and Quinn sobs until a strong hand grips her on the shoulder. Then she's punching Artie fucking Abrams on one side of the face then the other until she feels a prick on her arm and she's falling into a black abyss of comforting darkness.
"To give him credit, he handled things very well. He didn't hit me back, at any rate. He went through all the formalities while I lay there completely out of it and he left after that. Said he was sorry for my loss. He would've stayed for the funeral, but he was afraid of making it awkward. He's a good man. Last I heard, he was hitchhiking around the world. Distraction was the key, he said." Quinn laughs mirthlessly.
"Tina's family didn't even know about him yet. I was the first person she told. And I told her to 'fuck off'. And well, she did, didn't she." Quinn's lower lip trembles and she stops in her tracks, feeling her nails dig into her palm hard.
Rachel gingerly holds Quinn's hand in her own. "It's not your fault, you know."
Quinn shakes her head. "But it is. I know it. She was never a very good driver and it was raining that day and I just… I shouldn't have let her drive in the state of mind she was in. She would've been sad and crying and the rain…"
"It's still not your fault,' Rachel shrugs. Quinn opens her mouth to protest, but Rachel holds her hand up. "I know, I'm just someone you met half an hour ago and probably have no right to tell you what to think, but look at it this way: Did you want her to die?"
Immediately indignant, Quinn exclaims, "What the hell? Of course not! I loved her!" Quinn glares at the other girl furiously.
"Well, okay then. Did you pray for it to rain so that her sight of the road would be impaired?"
"No,' Quinn replies flatly.
"Did you ask that she get into a horrible car accident?"
Quinn shakes her head.
"Then it's not your fault."
The blonde sighs. The rain has stopped. "This was our beach. This was where we met. This was where we came for all our celebrations. She loved it here. I was going to propose to her here, but then shit blew up."
If Rachel is surprised at the sudden change of topic, she doesn't show it. "Why are you here?"
"I don't know. I thought maybe it was to drown myself. Poetic. Thought she might like that, her being a Lit major and all. But then I came here and I couldn't."
"Your arms?" Rachel gestures at the healing scars on her right arm.
"I was distracted. Chopping vegetables and the knife slipped."
"Really?' the brunette raises an eyebrow.
"Yeah."
"So why do you think you came here?"
"I don't know. I felt like it. Got rid of an engagement ring. Met a stranger. Spilled my secrets."
"Why do you think you haven't killed yourself yet?"
"Because… I'm selfish. And I'm afraid. I love life too much to give it up. There's a voice in my head that tells me things will get better, but my heart tells me that to live with no heart is to not live at all, because she took it with her when she left." Quinn closes her eyes against the tears that threaten to fall.
"That's not selfish at all. Would Tina want you to kill yourself?"
"No,' Quinn admits.
"And why are you afraid?"
"Why are you asking me so many questions?" Quinn snaps back defensively.
"Why are you so defensive all of a sudden?" Rachel shoots back with just enough challenge.
"I'm not! I just- I don't- I'm afraid of death,' Quinn blurts abruptly. She crosses her arms over her chest tightly.
"Isn't death what you want?
"Yes! No. I don't know." Quinn kicks at the sand under her feet. Rachel cocks her head. "Walk with me?" she echoes Quinn's earlier question.
Quinn wonders why she follows the stranger, but she does. Something in the air; maybe it was the moment, the weather, the place, the memories, whatever; something tells her that going with the brunette could only help her. Call it instinct.
"What are you afraid of?" Rachel asks again as they walk.
Quinn hesitates, before quietly saying, "I'm afraid of seeing her again. I want to so badly, but I'm afraid. I see her almost every night in my dreams and she never says anything. But I can tell she's blaming me."
The two women walk another five yards before Rachel asks, "What does she look like in your… nightmares?"
The blonde stutters. "They're not really nightmares… More like, just dreams. She's always just there, looking like she always does. Jeans, her favourite black sweater. She looks like she did before the accident. Healthy. Alive. Beautiful." Quinn blushes. "They're not nightmares. Any dream with her in it can't be a nightmare."
"If she blamed you for her accident, like what you think, don't you think she'd look a little more... post-accident? You saw her die and you don't have nightmares? Subconsciously, Quinn, you don't even blame yourself. She looks sad because you haven't figured out yet that it's not your fault. She wants you to move on, Quinn."
Quinn halts again and twitches nervously, looking away from Rachel. "What if I don't want to move on?" she whispers.
Confused, Rachel just stares.
"I don't know... I don't know if I know how."
"You're a writer, aren't you?
Surprised, Quinn looks up. "How did you know?"
"I recognise your name. And your picture is on all the books. I have 'When Memory Loses Itself' and 'The Man Who Never Was'. Fascinating stuff, by the way."
"Yes, I write. So what?"
"Turn your experience into a book. Channel it out and let go,' Rachel says, matter-of-factly.
"What, and make money off my dead ex-almost fiancée? Hell no. Besides, I'm not a romance novelist."
"This isn't romance; it's a tragic love story. Donate the money to charity if that will make you feel better, but get yourself back together and give yourself an aim. Distraction is key."
"Are you a shrink?" Quinn asks wryly.
"Well, yes,' Rachel's lip curls into a shy smile.
Quinn lets out the first genuine laugh she has laughed in a while. It feels surprisingly good.
"You know, it doesn't matter that she fell for him, or that she broke up with me for him. What matters is how she loved me and what we had. We were good for each other. What I couldn't do, she could; what she couldn't do, I could. We matched. We fit like two pieces of a puzzle. But what matters is the past, and I can't forget that."
"Leave the past in the past, gonna find the future,' Rachel mumbles.
"You did not just quote 'Simple Plan' at me. What kind of shrink are you?"
"Sorry."
"I hate that band."
Rachel shrugs.
"But you're right. If she saw me acting this way, she'd probably kill me herself."
"Of course I'm right. I'm a shrink."
"Are you going to charge me for this?"
"Perhaps,' Rachel hands Quinn a business card. "You can send me an autographed copy of your new book. I'm sure it will be a fantastic read."
Quinn rubs her thumb over the glossy card and decides to go for it. Someone in the air was telling her that the first step was all it would take. She licks her suddenly dry lips and says, "How about I buy you dinner instead?"
Rachel gives her a slight smile. "I wouldn't say no to that."
Quinn smiles back, the muscles in her face protesting slightly. She hadn't smiled this way in six months.
"Hey, look. The sun is setting,' Rachel points out.
"It is."
"It's a beautiful sunset. So perfect,' Rachel murmurs. Gold, red, yellow and orange mix in harmony.
"Yeah,' Quinn lets herself grin widely, 'it is."