Dear DC,
You love her. I can see in your eyes when she's around. You have a connection, a bond, something I can't understand nor do I want to. I see the way you watch her, I wish you'd watch me that way. I see the inner struggle in your mind, your faith at times clouds your judgement but also brings you peace. You watch your patients live their lives, and in a strange way they are paradoxes of you. We may not have been working together today, but I still watch you from the sidelines.
You want to tell her you have feelings for her beyond a friend, like I have feelings for you. You want to say you understand her plight, her faith and love her kind and sensitive attitude. However do you ever wonder if she is too perfect, with no flaws of which to speak of? Unless of course you ask Jac!
You are the only doctor that has believed in me in this hospital. You have pushed me, and I have stood by your side, when others have run, because I trust you. Your eyes are windows to your soul and even when you smile, I can still sadness embedded in them. She won't love you like you want her to, she see's you as her friend, her best friend and I have to say the same thing. There is warmth but no spark. Faye and Joseph as a couple, while they don't often agree live on a different world. I know he holds back a lot, like you really but he loves Faye. He would do anything for her, he'd move to the end of the world to help her and her son. Yes I know about her son, nurses are quicker spreading news than a virus. I see Joseph and think he is a wonderful man though at times very elitist without meaning to be, but he loves Faye, though some part of him craves Jac. I think the passion monster in him, will always lead him to Jac but his heart will always lead him to Faye. If he follows Jac, that will leave Faye open to you, you could be her knight in shining armour and rescue her, but she'll never love you like you want her to and could you really live with that?
I am watching you now, as I write during my break. I can't help it, my eyes wonder to you. I watch the way your eyes follow her, how you try and reach her.
I wish you would look at me with those eyes of longing. I have wanted you for longer than I can admit and even when I think I am at that stage when I can open up to you, you throw another curve ball, winding me. You were so excited when the patient woke up from surgery, you squeezed my arm, tight. You were like a child and at that fleeting moment you were happy. I try not to read to much into your touches, your kind voice and gentle though brisk manner. You see me as a friend, but not as the friend you see Faye as. Part of me doesn't understand, you've been there for Faye, but has she been there for you? Has she helped you like I have? Has she pushed you and helped challenge you like I have? Has she been willing to risk her job for you? I know it's selfish and as a doctor, I shouldn't be thinking these thoughts but surely you should show more feeling to me than you do for her. The only thing that truly connects you is your faith. I had faith once, till it turned it's back on me, now I have medicine and faith in you, and you alone. It wouldn't be to wrong to say at times I look at you like a god, all knowing, all seeing and yet you never see me as me.
I hope some day you will invite me into your arms, hold me close and laugh with me. We will unwind after our day and just relax. Other doctors have asked, even Tom's asked which I politely declined though I'm not convinced his got the message, but I'll make sure he does. You are the only one I want, I have always settled for second best in my life outside work, now I am not going to settle for second best anymore. I hope one day you'll look at me, like you look at her and maybe in that moment, I will be the winner not the runner up or looking at you from the sidelines.
Until then I hold out my cap like a beggar, hoping you'll give me your heart.
Yours,
Maddy