Title: Drinking Will Get You Nowhere
Rating: T
Warning: crack! and drinking
Pairings: No real pairings… Hints of TW/PG and CB1/Lotsa People and LL/Lotsa people
Summary: What do you get when you mix two legionnaires, alcohol and heck lotta bad pick-up lines? You get Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy hitting on every lady in the Legion. Crack!Fic AND Drunk!Fic… Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Why must we go through this? I don't even own LoSH in my weirdest, wildest dreams.
Author's Notes:Nothin' specific. If anyone's curious 'bout the pick-up lines, I found 'em online. CB1= Rokk Krin, LL= Garth Ranzz. In my fic, Garth has a dog named Sparky. :P
Please, please, please enter a fic into my contest! The winner receives a cool little prize! Also, I'm uploading this in honor of my 6-Month-Anniversary on this site. It'll be 6 months tomorrow! I have also archived over 100,000 words, over 2,000 page views on my profile, my fics have been fav'd over a 100 times, I've gotten around 325 reviews, I'm 28 peoples' favorite authors and the list goes on. Thanks so much to readers and reviewers like y'all. Without y'all, I'd be nowhere. Thanks so much to everyone! I'm gonna get teary now... Onto the fic!!!
~*~*~*~*~
"Man, I'm pooped," Lightning Lad collapsed on a bar stool. Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy had just defeated a major threat to the United Planets single-handedly. The battle had stretched on for hours, leaving the two young heroes utterly drained. After their victory, Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy stopped at the local pub for a round of drinks in celebration. Lightning Lad motioned for the server to bring him a drink.
"That's the first congenial thing you've said all month," Cosmic Boy agreed with him. The bartender brought two drinks out, placing each in front of a legionnaire. Lightning Lad grabbed his, downing it in one sip, as did Cosmic Boy. The bartender brought out another round of drinks for the two and soon empty shot glasses littered the polished wood counter.
"Can we have the bill?" Lightning Lad waved his hand in the air shakily.
"I was wondering if you two were planning on paying for your light drink," the bartender said, bitter and sarcastic. He slammed a small slip of paper on the countertop.
Lightning Lad continued to drink as Cosmic Boy hit on the girl sitting next to him.
"I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet," Cosmic Boy grinned suggestively.
"Dude. DUDE!" Lightning Lad elbowed Cosmic Boy, nearly knocking him over. "Bill, pay, money."
"What is this, the 18th Century?" Cosmic Boy slurred as he eyed the slip of paper. He picked up the receipt and squinted. "That's a lotta zeroes!" Cosmic Boy laughed.
"Whoa," Lightning Lad rubbed the side of his head. "That your number, handsome?" Lightning Lad winked.
"Uh…" the bartender scratched his neck nervously. "Wh-Why don't you guys just put it on the house, huh?"
"Whatever you say," Lightning Lad said huskily and he winked at the bartender before walking out the door with Cosmic Boy behind him.
~*~*~*~*~
"Nice," Cosmic Boy high-fived Lightning Lad after they had stepped out of the bar and into the night. "You had me fooled," he hiccupped.
"Who said I was joking?" Lightning Lad smiled toothily at him.
"Hottie at 12," Cosmic Boy nudged Lightning Lad, motioning to the petite girl with a flair bob-cut. Only her curvy silhouette was visible due to the fact that it was about midnight. Lightning Lad nodded and walked up to the girl.
"I hope there's a fireman around, 'cause you're smokin'!" Lightning Lad grinned.
"Um," the girl was about to turn around.
"Do you have a bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you," Lightning Lad continued.
"Garth?" the girl said, shocked with her eyes bulging.
"Violet, you must be an alien, 'cause you've abducted my heart," Garth wiggled his eyebrows.
"Are you high?" Violet asked, a blush crawling up her neck.
"I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you," Garth answered.
"Garth, leave me alone," Violet shook her head and turned around.
"Can I have the directions?" Lightning Lad leered.
"To where?" Violet said, slightly annoyed.
"Your heart," Lightning Lad put his hands over his heart. Violet slapped him and walked away.
"There are plenty of fish in the sea, my man," Cosmic Boy put his arm on Garth's shoulder. The two walked down the dark, isolated, abandoned streets of New Metropolis making passes at hookers, males and females alike.
~*~*~*~*~
"Double trouble," Lightning Lad pointed to Dream Girl and the White Witch.
"Are they legionnaires?"
"Think so…" Lightning Lad rubbed his goatee thoughtfully. He and Cosmic Boy walked to the sisters.
"You must be in a wrong place - the Miss Universe contest is over there," Cosmic Boy said smoothly.
"Excuse me?" Dream Girl pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.
"I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons," Lightning Lad added, his eyes trailing along White Witch's assets. She grimaced in response
"Hey I just realized this, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend."
"Is that you, Rokk?" Dream Girl asked.
"Only if you want me to be," Cosmic Boy said huskily.
"Are you a parking ticket?" Lightning Lad asked White Witch.
"What?"
"You got fine written all over you," Lightning Lad said suavely.
"They're drunk," Dream Girl told her sister as White Witch rolled her eyes.
"Look! Pamela Anderson!" White Witch pointed behind Garth and Rokk.
"Where?" both boys turned around, their mouths full of drool. Dream Girl and White Witch walked off, scoffing.
"She's not-" Lightning Lad started, but realized the girls were gone. "Ah, well. They weren't that hot."
"Yeah, only if you're blind," Cosmic Boy said sarcastically as he hit Lightning Lad upside the head. As they approached the Daily Intergalactic Planet, Cosmic Boy grinned.
"Doesn't that hot reporter work here?" he asked Lightning Lad.
"Yup," Lightning Lad answered.
~*~*~*~*~
The two of them continued to walk back to Legion HQ, but stopped when they saw two girls- Night Girl and Kid Quantum II talking by the side of the road.
"Get 'em dude," Lightning Lad nudged Cosmic Boy. Rokk walked over to the girls and slicked his hair back.
"How does it feel like to be the two most beautiful girls in town?"
"You think we're beautiful?" Night Girl asked.
"I don't know. I haven't gotten past your eyes," Cosmic Boy replied. He turned to Jasmine. "Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for
Christmas?"
Night Girl and Kid Quantum II giggled in response.
"Let's make like a fabric softener and snuggle," Cosmic Boy waggled his eyebrows. "This is a test of the emergency pickup line service. Beeeeeeeeeep. If you had been any less beautiful, you would have just heard a bad pickup line."
"I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out."
"If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away."
"I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like crap but I'm as sweet as can be," Cosmic Boy said. "Wait…"
By the time Cosmic Boy had corrected himself, Lydda and Jasmine were gone.
"Smooth," Lightning Lad rolled his eyes.
~*~*~*~*~
The dynamic duo continued until Triplicate Girl came into sight. Lightning Lad stumbled over to her.
"Do you have the time?" Lightning Lad asked her.
"It's a little after midnight," Triplicate Girl answered.
"No, the time to write my number down," Lightning Lad asked. Triplicate Girl's eyes bulged and her jaw nearly hit the ground.
"I-You-We-" she stuttered.
"If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity," Lightning Lad added.
"Um…" she started to blush.
"If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction," Lightning Lad said.
"Garth, are you feeling okay?" Triplicate Girl asked.
"What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper," Lightning Lad told her. Trip separated into three people and each slapped him on the face, leaving a very bright red handprint.
"Smooth," Cosmic Boy mocked Lightning Lad.
~*~*~*~*~
In the Legion courtyard, Monstress and Shadow Lass were talking.
"Ever wonder what chicks do out so late?" Lightning Lad asked. Cosmic Boy shrugged.
"Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart," Lightning Lad winked at Shadow Lass. She scowled at him before walking away.
"Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home," Cosmic Boy said sweetly to Monstress. She punched him in the gut before walking away.
"Ow," Cosmic Boy said, in obvious pain. Lightning Lad helped his friend up and the two walked into the lobby of HQ.
~*~*~*~*~
"Plenty of ladies in the Monitor Room," Lightning Lad ushered Cosmic Boy in. Phantom Girl was talking to Timber Wolf when the two inebriated legionnaires hobbled over to them,
"Would you like to hear some poetry?" Lightning Lad asked Phantom Girl.
"Sure," she shrugged.
"The night is young, the moon is bright, and you are here with me tonight," Lightning Lad sang out. Timber Wolf narrowed his eyes. "Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?"
"Okay…" Phantom Girl said slowly.
"I got another- You can fall off a building, you can fall out a tree, but baby, the best way to fall is in love with me," Lightning Lad threw his arms out, placing one on Cosmic Boy's shoulders.
"Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?" Cosmic Boy added.
"I'm a legionnaire," Phantom Girl said, laughing. Timber Wolf looked like he was going to explode.
"I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready," Lightning Lad flirted.
"Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?" Cosmic Boy asked seductively.
"Your body is a wonderland and I want to be Alice," Lightning Lad grinned.
"Like the sheets on your bed I want cover you with love," Cosmic Boy put his hands over his heart.
"Do you want to make millions? Millions of babies!" Lightning Lad laughed. Timber Wolf's eyes were twitching in anger and Phantom Girl was about to fall off her seat laughing.
"Your company's always a pleasure, but we've got to go," Cosmic Boy and Lightning Lad ran out of the room, running from Timber Wolf.
~*~*~*~*~
"Kinetix, Catspaw, lookin' nice," Lightning Lad complemented as he ran from Timber Wolf.
"Infectious Lass, Rainbow Girl, same there," Cosmic Boy blew a kiss to them.
"I think we lost him," Lightning Lad said between breaths.
"Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," Cosmic Boy and Lightning Lad's neck craned as Saturn Girl walked by.
"Rokk, Garth," Saturn Girl smiled at them. They looked disgusted and made vomit faces after she left.
"She's so ugly, I bet her boyfriend gets ticketed for littering when he drops her off," Cosmic Boy said.
"If she has one," Lightning Lad corrected. They high-fived each other before walking off.
~*~*~*~*~
"UDGH!!" Lightning Lad moaned as he rubbed his temples. He scratched his head and rubbed his eyes. "Sprocktacular hangover," he mumbled.
"Woof!" Cosmic Boy said randomly.
"Sparky? That you?" Lightning Lad mumbled into his pillow.
"Uh huh," Cosmic Boy answered.
"Don't be so loud, boy," Lightning Lad grumbled.
"Sorry," Cosmic Boy answered from the other side of the bed.
"Sparky?"
"Huh?"
"When'd you learn to talk?"
"Huh?" Cosmic Boy sat up, as did Lightning Lad.
"Rokk?" Lightning Lad looked to his left.
"Garth?" Cosmic Boy looked to his right.
"What are you doing in my bed?" they ask each other at the same time.
~*~*~*~*~
Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy got dressed and went directly to the meeting room. The whole way, every female legionnaire shot either or both of them dirty looks.
"Lightning Lad, Cosmic Boy, thanks for joining us," Timber Wolf cracked his knuckles. The two hungover friends meekly took a seat in the back row of the room as Timber Wolf went down today's agenda.
"The final topic for today's meeting-" Timber Wolf clicked on a datapad which projected videos of Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy harassing fellow legionnaires the previous evening onto the wall. "Does anyone have anything to say about this?"
"JO SPIKED THE PUNCH!" Lightning Lad said, faking a high voice.
"Oui! Oui!" Cosmic Boy faked a French accent, agreeing with him.
"Uh huh! We've got darn proof!" Lightning Lad said gruffly.
"I wouldn't put it past him," Timber Wolf growled.
"That's Jo," Phantom Girl mused.
"I bet he's got a secret stash of alcohol!" Dream Girl heckled.
"Probably does!" White Witch stood up in agreement. Soon, every legionnaire had yelled a complaint about Ultra Boy before he walked in.
"Who's this stud you're all talking about?" he asked obliviously.
"Get him!" Timber Wolf cried. The whole Legion dogpiled on top of him and Lightning Lad and Cosmic Boy escaped while they were distracted.
"That was a close one," Lightning Lad wiped his forehead.
"You're telling me!" Cosmic Boy said.
"I think we've learned a lot from this," Lightning Lad started.
"Never drink and juggle at the same time," Cosmic Boy replied.
"Yup!" Lightning Lad patted his friend on the back.
"Say, you up for a round of drinks?" Cosmic Boy suggested.
"Your treat!" Lightning Lad dashed out of HQ with Cosmic Boy right behind him.
~*~*~*~*~
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