A/N: Well, I got sick and tired of all the crappy JokerOC stories out there (no offense. Or, wait, scratch that, I do mean ) It seems like people writing these fics haven't actually seen the movies, the cartoons or read the comics, because Joker is constantly 100% OOC, and it's rather annoying. So, here is how Joker would react if confronted with one of the endless Mary-Sues out there. Warning: Violence and Mary-Sue bashing. Gotta love it.
The Death of a Mary-Sue
"Mistah J!" Harley Quinn bounced across the room when she saw her puddin' enter it. "Look what I have for ya!"
Joker looked up from the papers he was carrying, the plans for his latest scheme, to see his Harley grinning madly at him.
"Yes?" he said, not caring for the interruption.
Harley pointed across the room to where someone was sitting on the floor, tied up with rope and with a sack over their head. Harley ran back over to the person, dragged it into the middle of the room and quickly pulled off the sack and tossed it aside.
Joker could see that the person was a girl, but he had no idea what Harley was doing with her. He stepped over towards the two of them and cocked his head to the side as he looked down at the girl sitting on the floor.
He didn't have to wonder who she was for long, as the girl's lips crooked into a silly smile and she started introducing herself.
"Hi! I'm the unknown daughter of Batman. I grew up in an orphanage and then I learned that I could do magic, just like Harry Potter! And everyone loves me because I'm just so adorable!" the auburn haired youth said, showing off her distressingly straight and white teeth while her sapphire eyes sparkled, momentarily blinding Joker.
Joker gritted his teeth together in disgust and took a step away from the girl and turned to Harley.
"Haaarley?" he asked, getting her attention. Harley twirled around once and beamed at him.
"Yes, puddin'?"
"What is that?" He nodded towards the girl sitting in the middle of the room and tried to repress a nausea that suddenly rose as the girl flipped her hair over her shoulder. What a disgusting little thing.
"That's your present! Marylily Fantasia Raven-Sue Wayne!"
"Mary-Sue for short!" the girl shot in in a sing-song voice, sending unpleasant shivers down Joker's back.
He closed his eyes and waited for the shivers to stop before he looked up at Harley again.
"Why?" he simply said.
"It's almost Christmas, I wanted ya to have an early present!"
"But, Harley, what am I going to do with her?"
"Whatever you want to, pudding', I'm sure ya can find something fun to do with her. But I hafta feed the babies now, they're hungry." Harley walked out of the room, apparently on her way to feed their hyenas. If she hadn't been so quick to leave Joker would have told her to bring this….this…Mary-Sue with her and use her for food. But maybe Harley was right, there was several things he could think of that would be fun to do. Yes, maybe this was a good present after all.
He grinned widely as he turned towards the girl. "Oh, fun, fun, fun," he said as he grasped the end of the rope Harley had used to tie her up with and very neatly wrapped it around the girl's neck. Slowly he tightened the rope and watched as her face turned red. He was surprised she wasn't fighting back or screaming. He let go of the rope. Where was the fun in this if she didn't scream?
He reached inside his pocket and pulled out a knife. Quickly he cut the ropes binding her and pulled her up to her feet. He was going to have to make this fun somehow.
"Oh thank you, Mr Joker sir!" she said with a smile and hugged him. Hugged him! With a sneer Joker pushed her away, making her stumbled backwards and trip over the ropes so she landed on her ass. Joker laughed, delighting in her pain.
When she just smiled, got back on her feet and once again tried to hug him he held the knife out to ward her off. He didn't want to get her cooties. He was quite sure she was full of nasty diseases. Yuck.
"What is wrong with you?" he asked. This girl was confusing him. No tears or pleas for him to release her. Now that was just so very wrong. No fun at all.
"I think I have Stockholm Syndrome! I want to have your babies! We'll have twins and we'll get married and you don't have to be evil again!"
"But, I like being evil. It makes me all warm inside," Joker answered with a smile.
"Oh, silly you. I know you have a special place inside," she motioned to his chest, "and I know you would never hurt me. I know you want to reform and become a nice daddy. We can move to the suburbs and you can get a job!"
Joker laughed madly. What a jokester this girl was.
"I know I can make you good, I know it!" The girl was batting with thick eyelashes. It made him want to tear every eyelash off her lid, one at a time.
"Oh, little girl, how terribly wrong you are."
"I know you have a tragic past, but we can overcome that!"
This was just not funny anymore. Joker found himself bored with this stupid girl. He wanted to go out and play with the Bat now, not with this boring little thing. The joke was almost over, time for the punch line!
The girl's sapphire eyes widened as the Joker pulled his potato peeler out of his pocket and held it up in front of her face. "I. Don't. Want your babies," he said quietly.
The girl started screaming. Oh how he loved it when they screamed, it made him all warm and tingly inside. Although it didn't take long until even her screams got on his nerves. What an annoying little thing she was. He had to cut his fun short, just so he wouldn't have to put up with this any longer. Luckily his potato peeler never failed him.
The screams soon faded as the girl's now limp body dropped to the ground, and then it stopped completely as she bled out, and all that was left behind was blessed silence. Joker grinned.