Before I begin this gut-wrenching story, I would like to say a few things about a new character I'm introducing: Jonathan, recently promoted from normal OC to Muse. ;) I imagine most of you have not read those, so I'll list off a few things you might want to know about him before reading this.

1) Jonathan, though he appears as first a human and then a Redwall ferret, is native to the Happy Tree Friends fandom, and therefore was originally a cartoon anthro animal; namely, a bear. He had gray fur, and as a result his hair is of the same color.

2) Pretty much everything is canon in the HTF fandom, if you really think about it. I let my imagination run wild when I created him. The result was a scarfaced, pyrokinetic demon (quite literally), as well as reformed villain. Please keep the pitchforks at your sides.

3) Jonathan did, in fact, pass the Mary Sue Litmust Test. He is NOT particularly handsome, the scarring on his face actually detracts from his looks, he does not angst about his past, he has been needlessly petty before, and he can be very cynical and insulting at times, thereby balancing out the reformed-ness, special ability, and crappy childhood. So all of you Stu-phobes can shove off. (No offense intended.)

4) This is something of a disclaimer: Jonathan himself was a variation of the concept of Evil Flippy (if you know HTF and you've read the fic, you'll know what I'm talking about). Secondly, his nickname 'Scrawny Jonny' was created by ZotzServant99.

I do not own Redwall, the concept of Mary Sues, or Tom Lehrer.

That's about it. Enjoy the show, or not.

Adderstar of ValorClan was sulking.

I hate braces already, she thought as she ran her tongue back and forth over her teeth. The frequent aching made her miserable and irritable, but that wasn't the worst part.

The worst part was that she couldn't eat taffy anymore.

A grimace crossed her face as the ache started up again, while the other occupant of the room looked on sullenly. "Adder, why don't you just take some Motrin or something, like your orthodontist said?"

"Too many Americans are wrapped up in painkillers," the girl replied dourly. "I'm not going to be one of them. I told you about that time I saw one of my classmates on meds. Not pretty, Scrawny Jonny. Not pretty at all."

Her companion scowled reproachfully at the use of his nickname, though it wasn't far from the truth. He was a short, wiry teenager, dressed rather drably in a dark gray hooded sweatshirt and a pair of somewhat loose blue jeans. Surprisingly, his hair was a foggy ash-gray color (though not bright starlight-silver like a Stu might have, or thin and hoary as that of an elderly human being), and it framed a round, vivid face with with bright blue eyes and unusually pointed teeth. His defining feature was a set of three parallel slash scars over his left eye, as though something had clawed him across the face.

At that moment, The Silenced chose to enter the room, calling loudly to his younger sister. "You'd better be watching Myself, Yourself right now, or else—who the hell is that?"

"Meet Jonathan," replied Adderstar. "Or, at least, human-Jonathan."

T.S. raised an eyebrow, squinting at her. "…Your Happy Tree Friends OC?"

"He's been promoted to Muse," came the matter-of-fact reply. Jonathan treated T.S. to a wide grin that displayed two full rows of sharp "demon teeth" as Adderstar called them.

T.S. blinked several times. "I… Oh. O…kay then."

"Whatever. I'm gonna listen to some music," Adderstar muttered, crossing the room to where a small stack of CDs was out. "I need something uplifting."

"You do that, then." With that, T.S. turned and left rather hurriedly. Adderstar selected An Evening Wasted with Tom Lehrer.

In a puff of white fur, Plot Bunny 42 appeared by the computer. "She's still going through her rejuvenated obsession?" the rabbit asked her fellow Muse.

Jonathan treated 42 to his best 'do you have to ask?' look as he sat down at the computer and commandeered the Internet. Adderstar started singing.

"Oh we'll all go together than we go,

What a comforting fact that is to know,

Universal bereavement,

An inspiring achievement,

Yes we all will go together when we go."

Quite unexpectedly, Jonathan began to laugh. Adderstar, sensing that his amusement had nothing to do with the song she was singing. "What's so funny?"

She had to shout to be heard, for her newly-promoted Muse was now in stitches. Slumped back against the chair, he could do little else than clutch his thin midriff and howl. Consequently, he fell off the chair and resumed guffawing into the carpet.

Adderstar stepped over him carefully and sat down in her chair to investigate the source of his sudden outburst. He'd been reading a recently finished Redwall fic. Steeling herself, Adderstar clicked back to the first chapter and began to read.

Seconds later, she had followed Jonathan's example.

"Oh… my…GODS!" she finally managed to gasp out, a full five minutes later. The miseries of braces were now forgotten. Wiping her streaming eyes, she let out a few lungfuls of aftermath giggles. "Right off… the first paragraph… so cheesy. 'His eyes were a sparking iridessant blue-violet— iridescent's spelled wrong!—and yet they seemed to burn with their own fire, like a dying amethyst star.'—they just used the first five paragraphs to describe the character! And why is it that stars are used to describe eyes?"

"It's a Suethor, what do you expect?" said 42. "I assume you're not going to let this go, then. So what's the Sue like? Background, profile?"

Jonathan popped back up to his feet like a cork in water and seated himself back in the chair. "Let's see… his name's what got me laughing. Anyway, his name is Freedomheart Storm-of-Flames the Wandering One… (42 snerked at this) He's an otter with golden-to-scarlet fur… apparently looks like flames leaping from his very paws… THAT'S BS! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO SHOULD HAVE FLAMES LEAPING FROM MY PAWS!"

"Uh, in case you didn't notice, Dorothy," Adderstar cut in to what might have evolved into a full-blown rant, "You aren't in Happy Tree Friends anymore. You don't have paws."

"Regardless!" Jonathan snapped. "Hands, then! Flames leaping from my hands!" To make his point, he demonstrated.

"No need for that," 42 said drily. "I'm sure Adder would not thank you for burning down her house."

Adderstar cringed. "Maybe I shouldn't have given you pyrokinesis and made you a reformed villain. Thank the gods I didn't make you excessively good-looking. I came dangerously close to Marty Stu with you, and I had to polish off a lot of rough edges."

"Give me one good reason why that's my fault," Jonathan retorted.

"I don't recall saying that it was your fault!"

"People, please!" 42 broke in. "I'm not going to bother reading this story, because I don't feel like falling off a chair right now. So would someone please enlighten me about this Sue?"

"Sorry," Jonathan muttered, skimming through the chapters. "Anyway, Freedomheart's background… He was abandoned at the gates of Redwall as a baby. He grew up in the Abbey aspiring to be a great warrior, but the Brothers and Sisters there wouldn't let him… That's stupid, Redwallers do train to be warriors! Anyway, he was determined to learn of his past, so he ran away, got attacked by a gang of vermin, beat them all to a bloody pulp and yada yada yada, learns from one of them of a generic feline warlord that's enslaved an otter kingdom… he learns he's the son of their murdered king and rallies the resisting otter forces to beat the… wait a minute…"

"He/she just frickin… rewrote High Rhulain," Adderstar growled. "What the hell has happened to originality? I hereby dub this abomination… Royalty!Sue."

"Oh wait, he has a girlfriend!" Jonathan called out. "A byooteefull pure white ottermaid with fiery red eyes, named Liliuokalani Bloodsnow, nicknamed… aw hell, he did NOT!" For a few seconds he was reduced to snarling and spitting with fury.

"What, what's the matter?" 42 stretched up to see the screen and the source of Jonathan's rage. "Her nickname is… Lilia. Hey, Jon, ain't that your mom's name?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"

"Thought so."

"What's her story?" Adderstar asked.

42 scanned the page, clicking the 'next page' button several times. "Strong!Sue by the looks of it, destined to become Freedomheart's queen. It's a Sue-double-whammy, I guess. Oh! She's also frustrated because of the sexism within her comrades, a sexism that is not observed by Freedomheart. Anyway, if you skim through the cheesy descriptions, the story moves like lightning. Yep, on the outside she's a tough warrior, 'swift, blood-eyed death with the ornate longsword in her snowy paw', with a 'spirit colder than a midwinter blizzard', according to the descrip, but 'the thin, icy shell over her heart was melted by Freedomheart's pure—"

"42?" Adderstar broke in.

"Yes?"

"Too much information."

"Sorry."

Adderstar sighed. "Whatever. I'm getting my Plocontravice. Now."

"Hang on, I was mistaken!" 42 yelled. "Triple whammy! Villain-Stu, the Big Bad's oh-so-handsome-and-pure-hearted-stoat second-in-command, turns good in the end. Kinda like you, Jonny."

The only response was a heightened volume of snarling and fang-gnashing.

"I don't think he'll be coming with us," 42 remarked.

"That's what you think, Bunny Girl," Jonathan retorted, getting up with a much calmer demeanor. "Sorry about that, I lost my temper. But there is no way I'm missing out on this. Where's the Plocontravice?"

Adderstar had already fetched it from her room and was punching calculations into the touchscreen. "Got it. I've located the Sue in the Redwall-verse. Ready?"

"I was born ready."

The fanfic-author punched the purple button.

Adderstar had gotten the hang of her device since her last mission concerning a certain ferret femme with healing powers. So now, when Kenzie Farsight and Plot Bunny 42 arrived in Mossflower, there was one big difference: they ended up on the ground. Jonathan, however, was not used to inter-fandom travel, and plummeted from a higher point before landing draped over the trunk of a dead oak tree like a saturated dishcloth.

After a few seconds, Jonathan flopped down to the earth limply before getting to his footpaws and inspecting himself.

"Whoa… I'm a ferret." It was true; he was now a wiry mustelid with the same ash-gray color of fur as he'd had hair in the Real World. The only difference was a darker gray mask over his eyes and much paler fur on his underside. Kenzie grinned at him until she actually looked up to inspect their surrounding.

The poetic beauty of the forest that they'd experienced when hunting Saerin was now nonexistent. Rather than filled bright sunshine and singing birds and leaping fish and whatnot, the forest was dark, forbidding, and completely devoid of sound. Clouds moved in overhead, thunder rumbled, and the silvery dorsal fin of a pike was visible at the surface of a nearby stream.

"Where the Bergerac are we?" Kenzie muttered, gripping her saber handle.

"If the Suefic's to be believed, we're at the farther east fringes of Mossflower, where the Lutrador Kingdom is located," 42 replied.

"'Lutrador'?!" Kenzie echoed disbelievingly. "Are they kidding?"

"Hey, remember, this is not an intelligent being we're dealing with," the rabbit reminded her tersely. Before anything else could be said, something extremely cliché happened.

It began to rain.

"Of course," Kenzie muttered furiously as the rain immediately began dumping down upon them. "And of course, the Suethor pays no attention to the fact that Mossflower is actually not located in the middle of the ocean or in a South American Rainforest, and that this fic takes place in early autumn, so a freaking hurricane like this would take much longer than half a second to build up."

Jonathan sighed. "Can we talk weather later? We've got Sues to eradicate here, and furthermo— oh my god, I have a TAIL!"

The female rat blinked blandly at him. "Er… right. In any case, Jon, you're right both times. We do have Sues to kill, and… yes, you do have a… tail." Gingerly she patted him on the shoulder. "Whatever makes you happy, Jon."

"Don't use fire unless it's an absolute last resort," 42 warned. "Let's try to murder these Sues without sinking to their level."

Jonathan left off admiring his new bushy gray tail. "You're right. I don't need fire, though. Give me a couple of daggers and I'm good." As if to punctuate his point, he pulled a nondescript dagger from his belt and balanced it by the tip on one paw. Suddenly he snatched it back and glowered at 42. "Wait, what do you mean by 'sinking to their level'?"

"Shut up, both of you!" Kenzie snapped. "Jonathan, just don't use fire. It's not canon in this universe!"

"Is it canon in the Happy Tree Friends universe?" 42 asked.

"Everything's canon in the HTF universe," Jonathan informed her pointily.

"Can we stop the canon debate, please?" Kenzie's voice became a snarl; the Plocontravice had relieved her of braces, but had done nothing for the throbbing ache in her teeth. "Somebeast's coming!"

42 turned and dove into a dripping fern; Jonathan hid behind the overly-wide trunk of a Sue-beech tree, and Kenzie found a hiding place in the thick lower branches of an oak that, she found, was ridiculously easy to climb.

There was a bright bolt of white, and a pure, snow-white ottermaid burst into the clearing. (Where the Bergerac did the clearing come from? Kenzie thought in bewilderment.) A single, infinitesimally small tear glistened in one of her blood-scarlet eyes, but it disappeared as she stubbornly fixed her face in a scowl that did not affect her deadly beauty in any negative way.

"Liliuokalani! Wait!" The three of them winced; the voice sounded like a tacky mixture of roaring flames and the screech of an eagle, which the companions agreed was not a good combination.

When Liliuokalani Bloodsnow whirled around, she bore a close resemblance to a tornado in a snowstorm, but Kenzie did her best to disregard this.

"What do you want, Storm-of-Flames?" she demanded. "Because it is clear to me that you don't want my help against Lord Verdariggu Trunn!"

Another otter, this time a male with fiery red-gold fur, entered the clearing. "You know that's not it. I'm sorry, I didn't mean—" He sighed dramatically for good effect before clasping her paws. "I didn't mean to hurt you. I just want—"

"You just want what?" Lilia snarled, yanking her ice-white paws from his grasp. "The same thing all males want from me! I thought you were different, Freedomheart! I thought you cared about who I am!"

"That is all I care about, Lilia," Freedomheart replied soothingly, placing his paws on her shoulders. "If you weren't as beautiful, I would still…" He trailed off, dramatically again. "I want you beside me always."

At this point, Kenzie (who was closest to the pair and could see and hear everything) had to stuff both claws into her mouth to keep from gagging. A make-out scene was imminent. It disgusted her that this ottermaid's name was Lilia, as there were two characters among her human self's fics of the same name.

A sickly sweet smell entered her nostrils and nearly made her sneeze; she immediately recognized it. It was, as her human self called it, Twitterpoo, a variation of Sparklypoo. The sweet stench of Sue romance.

Lilia was staring at the Stu otter with an odd look in her eyes, shaking her head vigorously yet making no attempt to pull her paws from his grip. "I… I can't Freedomheart. I swore never to let myself…"

"Let yourself fall in love?" Freedomheart's formerly ferocious fire-brimstone-and-eagles voice was now a soft, gentle… Kenzie chose not to try and describe it in detail. "I love you, Lilia. Not just for your beauty, but also for who you are inside. I admire your strength of heart and mind, but you cannot let it get in the way of your emotions. You are a powerful creature, but I wish to know you. The real you."

Tears were suddenly flowing openly down the ottermaid's pure white face, and the heavy, drenching rain slackened off to a gentle shower. "Freedomheart, I… I did love once. A brave, handsome warrior otter. But he… I found out that I was one of many lovers. He did not care about me. He only cared about his own pleasure. I swore I'd never love again. But you…"

Freedomheart interrupted her by gently pulling her close and kissing her.

What followed was an explosion of Twitterpoo, and the sweet, cloying scent wafted up to Kenzie in a nauseating wave. The rat forced down the bile in her throat as her head reeled and the Sue-ified forest spun around her. Unfortunately for her, the Twitterpoo proved overpowering, for in the next moment, she pulled a Kelaiah and passed out right then and there.

The fainting spell did not last long, however; Kenzie was brought sharply back to consciousness when she became personally acquainted with the ground.

Groggily, the rat opened her eyes to see two pairs of webbed footpaws, one white and one reddish-orange. Raising her head, she found herself staring up into the surprised faces of Liliuokalani and Freedomheart.

She grinned weakly. "Heheh, hi."

Immediately she was cross-eyed, staring at the tip of Lilia's longsword. The white otter-Sue held it steadily to the bridge of the rat's nose, and the metal tip clinked with Kenzie's glasses. Lilia's voice was soft but deadly and beautiful.

"Who are you, rat? Are you a spy for Verdariggu? Well? Answer me!"

Something clicked in Kenzie's brain. "Oh, I get it!" she exclaimed. "Verdariggu! It's a cheap cross between 'Verdauga' and 'Riggu'. Sorry, I'm a bit slow on the uptake sometimes. Oh, right, sorry. Am I a spy for Verdariggu? No. I don't associate with Villain-Stus, unless I'm killing them. Who am I? Kenzie Farsight. Pleased to meet you." Smiling brightly, she held up a paw to shake.

Lilia snarled. "Rats murdered my family. All rats are evil!" She lifted her sword and whirled it back down in a single skillful movement.

Instinctively, Kenzie rolled out of the way of the blade tip, which sliced a lock of brown fur from the rat's head. "Hey, I haven't done anything to you! What's the big idea?"

Lilia was about to attack again when Freedomheart stepped forward suddenly. "Wait… I know this sort of beast. I've heard of them, but I never thought they were real. It's…"

"'It'?" Kenzie echoed indignantly. "Excuse me! I may be a bit ambiguous at times, but I do have a gender!"

The orange otter drew a silver-bladed, jewel-encrusted dagger from his belt, holding it to her throat. "You're a so-called 'Slayer', rat," he growled. "You try to rid the world of all things pure and beautiful!"

"You mean all things cliché and schmootzi-poo?" Kenzie responded innocently.

"Your kind wishes to replace beauty and perfection with imperfection! With ugliness!" Freedomheart roared. "I MUST PROTECT THE PURE!"

The brightly-colored otter was about to pounce when his next move was arrested by a screaming, airborne gray ferret. Jonathan, who had quickly climbed the tree when Kenzie fell, now tackled the Stu from above, howling as though he was demented. 42 shot out of the bushes, swinging her battle axe at Lilia. Drawing her saber, which she had liberally coated with garlic juice, Kenzie joined her Plot Bunny.

Lilia blocked 42's axe swings easily with her longsword, wielding the impossibly heavy sword in one paw. Kenzie, however, complicated things by forcing to keep an eye on two beasts at once. Not that it made much difference for a Sue, however.

Meanwhile, Jonathan and Freedomheart had lost their daggers and were going at it with teeth and claws. Rain-wet fur, orange and gray, blurred together as the Muse-ferret and the Stu-otter were transformed into a single screeching, roaring whirlwind of teeth, fur, and claws. At last Jonathan rolled clear, grabbing his daggers as he went, and launched himself at his opponent again. The otter's jeweled weapon was already in his fiery paw, and the Stu's face had transformed to a mask of ferocious yet still handsome intensity.

Kenzie was about to lunge in recklessly when something grabbed her tail and dragged her backwards. She whirled around, raising her saber…

…And came face to face with a silver-and-gold-furred stoat carrying an axe-pike with a shiny black blade.

"Dishonorable vermin!" the stoat roared. "Two against one, eh? Try me on for size!" Falling smoothly into a fighting stance, the stoat smiled fiercely. "I am Raeignarec Silverbright."

"Oh, the Villain-Stu," Kenzie muttered. "Just my luck." She studied the blade. The black stone looked familiar... "Oh, that's my favorite kind of rock! Obsidian, right?"

"Aye," Raeignarec replied, flourishing the weapon. "And—"

The stoat never finished the sentence. Gripping her sword like a batter at the plate, the young rat swung the blade with all her might. There was a crack, and the blade gave a little beneath the steel saber blade. Her paws stinging with the reverberations, she gritted her teeth and swung again.

With an earsplitting shatter, the glossy black axe blade smashed. Raeignarec stared at the broken weapon. "What the…"

"Obsidian shatters, smart one," Kenzie taunted, swinging her garlicked sword at him.

Raeignarec shrieked as the blade sliced through his pelt, and smoke curled from the wound. The familiar, satisfying hissing noise filled the air. Enraged, he swung the pike pole, mostly missing in his fury but managing to clip her in the side of the head. Dazed, Kenzie blinked and swayed for a moment, her sword clutched loosely in her paw.

When Raeignarec rushed her, she held it out absently, and the stoat ran onto the garlic-coated end.

"Raeig!" Freedomheart roared. He doubled his efforts, forcing Jonathan to duck and retreat. With the speed of a poised adder, Freedomheart whipped to one side and spun around, using the inertia to swing his rudder about. The tail smashed into Jonathan's midriff, driving the wind from the ferret's lungs and knocking him back several feet. With a fierce battle cry, Freedomheart leaped and sailed through the air toward the downed ferret, his bejeweled dagger poised for the kill.

Jonathan flung a dagger at the airborne Stu; the hilt struck him in the face, throwing off his coordination. As the fiery-pelted otter descended upon the gray ferret, the latter threw up all four paws, one of which clutched his second dagger.

The otter cried out in pain when the dagger was driven hilt-deep into his chest, and the force of Jonathan's four-pawed blow threw him back upward. Gracefully, Freedomheart landed on his feet, staggering backward…

Straight into the pike-infested waters.

Time stood still. The dying Stu stared into Liliuokalani's face, meeting her blood red eyes with his shimmering indigo ones, and holding them in a loving gaze. He raised a steady paw in a salute to her. "My queen," he said softly. "My love…"

The pike struck. The water roiled, turning dark reddish-pink.

A thin wail arose, strengthening into a heartrending cry of anguish. "Nooooo!" Tears sparkled in Lilia's eyes, trickling down the sides of her face as she took a step forward, her paw outstretched pleadingly.

42 swung her battle axe, embedding it in Lilia's back. The otter femme fell without another sound, her eyes fixed on the spot where Freedomheart had been standing just seconds before. The Plot Bunny sniffed and rubbed watering eyes.

Kenzie stared at her. "Are you crying?"

"No!" 42 wailed. "Something's wrong! The Plocontravice switched something around in my anatomy, and now I'm vomiting out my eyes!"

"Once again, too much information," Kenzie muttered, disgusted. "Hey, Scrawny Jonny! You're not dead yet, are you?"

"Ow…" Jonathan dragged himself up. "Please don't call me Scrawny Jonny. I'm kinda… bleeding… though. Am I infected with Stu? 'Cause if I am, kill me now please."

"You won't get infected," Kenzie assured him. "He wasn't set to turn you, he just wanted to kill you."

"Oh, I feel a lot better now," Jonathan said sarcastically, wiping blood from his fur. "Ugh… that is SO gross. And painful. Can we go now?"

"Please, let's," said 42.

Kenzie took out the Plocontravice. "If you're sure you can handle the cross-fandom travel, Scrawny Jonny."

The ferret glared at her, irritable enough from pain to act rashly, and spat back his retort.

"Kenzo-Slice."

This proved to be an unfortunate mistake on Jonathan's part. For in the next moment, Kenzie's clenched right paw connected powerfully with a side of his head, and for a few seconds he couldn't remember what his name was.

Once the main Sue had been slain, the fanfic-created Mossflower began to dissolve as the fandom healed itself, very much like the human immune system.

Plotholes opened and closed everywhere around the dying figures of Raiegnarec and Lilia. The latter's eyes flickered with failing life. She welcomed death; in death she could be with her love again. Her only regret, her greatest regret, was that she was unable to avenge him.

But as Dame Fortune once favored the great Gulo the Savage, at least for a time, fate then curved to the white ottermaid's favor.

A ferret maiden, golden in color with a night-black mask and otherworldly sapphire eyes, stepped out of a plothole and knelt over the half-alive pair. Placing a jet-black paw over each of their wounds in turn, she closed her eyes and focused.

All traces of injuries disappeared, and Lilia sat up and stared, awestruck, at the ferret. Her mouth opened.

With a mysterious smile, the ferret touched a paw to her muzzle. "There is no time for questions; this place is no longer safe. Come with me, both of you. We must talk." She turned toward the plothole that had transported her there.

Raeignarec stared into the heavenly creature's eyes. "Who are you?"

The ferretmaid paused, turned around, and fixed the stoat with a serene smile. She held out her left paw, and they were shocked to see that she bore six claws on it.

"My name is Saerin Mariah Sunjewel Sixclaw."

DUN DUN DUN.

Of course, this is a lead-in to a future multi-chapter Suebasher fanfic, where I might (and I say MIGHT) invite readers to send in a little backup. If you catch my drift...

Oh yes, and about the 'Kenzo-Slice' thing... that is a variation of an annoying nickname that an equally annoying kid in my math class has given me. Luckily, though, he's the only one who calls me that. I prefer to disregard it, but Kenzie clearly has taken a more outspoken stand against it... kind of like Kelaiah and his (mouths the Two Forbidden Names).

Speaking of Kelaiah, I dearly hope I have not offended him by coining the phrase 'pulling a Kelaiah', or just using it, if someone's already coined it. No offense intended.

LASTLY! With the length of these authors notes, I do believe I have broken 5000 words, making this the longest single chapter I have ever written!

Until next time.