Rain
A/N: I just watched an episode of "The Closer" and the final scene inspired this. It's just a short little something, but I had to get it out of my system. The story has nothing to do with the actual episode from "The Closer"; it's not describing anything from that scene either, so in fact it doesn't really matter at all if you know what show I'm talking about or not ;)
I've looked up the episode title, it's "Strike three" and it's episode 5.07 from "The Closer".
No beta for this one.
Disclaimer: CSI:NY and the associated characters are property of CBS, A. Zuiker and other people whom I don't belong to. This is fan fiction and not for profit…
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How come every time she stood here it was raining?
It was strange; really. Not the rain in itself. More the situation at large. Standing here; getting soaked to the bones. Waiting for… who knew what. She didn't – know, that is. Oh, she knew why she was standing here, what had brought her here. Her and about three dozen other people; everyone staring at nothing. Silence seemingly echoing louder than any explosion. And the way her clothes were clinging to her was uncomfortable at the best. But she didn't really mind any of it. How she felt didn't matter; not today.
The rain was cold, but not as cold as she felt inside.
Maybe the rain was symbolic. It felt as if it could be. She was quite sure she had read something like this before. It's doubtful there's no poet who had used the metaphor at one point or another. But for her, on that day, it felt painfully real. These weren't just shallow words anymore. They had become palpable. And for the first time in all these years… they actually felt real. So maybe it was true; maybe they were more than simple word of comfort and pathos.
Tears from heaven…
As if the floodgates had been opened just for this occasion. Until yesterday, it had been sunny; blue sky, no clouds anywhere to be seen. And today everything was grey in grey. Fitting her mood very well. Although grey might actually be a bit too bright a color. Right now, she felt as if she was leaning more towards dark side. Not pitch black – at least not yet. But dark none the less.
Where were the words to explain this to her?
Although she should know what had brought her here. There was no open case for it; no investigation to be led; no open questions. But still her brain refused to go anywhere near it. It seemed so senseless. No, not senseless… useless; making it even more in-comprehendible. There was nothing gained from it – by nobody. Everyone had lost. She couldn't think of anyone who actually got something out of it.
Still there were no tears streaming down her face.
She had expected to cry once she stood here. The only wetness on her face was from the rain though. There had been a point where she had cried. Maybe she had cried too much and now there were no tears left. Something inside her was protesting to the thought because she knew it wasn't true. And that fact alone hurt just as much as the reason for her tears. Still she was standing here merely wanting to weep, wail, whimper, sob; anything to show how she felt – only, she couldn't. But maybe she was already displaying what she was really feeling inside.
Because she felt very much like a cold hearted beast.
Her inside seemed hollow, devoid of any emotion that was supposed to be somewhere inside. So it was only fair to show that to the world at large. This wasn't her showing how strong she was, because that wasn't how she felt. She didn't feel strong anymore; far from it. Every time she stood here, she felt a piece of herself go missing. A part that used to make her strong; at least stronger than she felt whenever she came here. And it would never stop because as much as the thought alone hurt, she knew this wouldn't be the last time for them to gather at this place.
Who would be next?
No, she couldn't go there; couldn't even think about it. And actually, she could be wrong. She might as well never get to come here again. The thought wasn't as comforting as it should be because the only reason for her to never come back her was that she'd be the one to... Meaning everyone else would be standing here, watching the clouds as she was doing right now; listening to words that never made it past her eardrums – never registered within the depths of her brain.
At least she wouldn't feel this empty anymore.
But her friends would; all the people she felt closest to. That wouldn't be fair to them. She didn't want them to feel like that. Never! If she was ever the reason for them to stand here, she didn't want them to feel this… empty. But they will and she knew it; they all knew it. They had all felt that way; still do.
Every time they meet at this place, they share this… not-feeling.
They simply stood here, in silence. Every single time. Like a never ending dance, briefly interrupted by another tune called life. She hated the dance, hated being here, but still she would return every time. It would feel much worse if she didn't. If she didn't come here, she would totally break apart. Maybe it was this emptiness that brought her back from despair; kept her from a total emotional breakdown. And perhaps it was the same for everyone else.
What will it take for them to get over this?
She could remember the last time she stood here as if it had been yesterday. It has been a while but it didn't feel like it. But then, it never did. Every time, she had to return to this place, it was too soon. And it always would be. Mostly because while she knew this was a part of her life, she didn't want it to be. So she tuned it out most of the time, ignored the facts and the danger, the warning signs that might pop up.
Most of the time there were no signs though.
Like this time. It was too unexpected. Interrupting life on a completely new level. But maybe it was just because she had known this one so much better than she had known everyone before. Although sometimes she wasn't even sure anymore how often she had been standing here. Not even by limiting the timeframe to the last couple of years. Two came to mind immediately. No, it was three. Four… Or was it five already? Impossible to say.
They all blurred into one big, giant picture.
And this picture always brought her back here. No, that wasn't true. Her being here was part of the picture. She needed to be here to complete it. Just like everyone else was. Dark blue figures, lightly swaying it he rain, fighting the cold while staring into nothingness. She had once seen the ocean in turmoil, dark waves eating at everything bold enough to get in their way. Just like them, every time they got called back to this place.
When will it stop to hurt?
Maybe the question was more, if it will ever stop. She shivered just thinking about how this will be a constant in her life forever. Deep inside she knew that's how it was going to be. They would always gather here to stare; and wait. All the while, hoping it will be the last time; knowing in all certainty it won't. The thought was too depressing to dwell on it for much longer.
There's always hope
As slim as it seemed right now, it was still there. On day, this vicious cycle might end. At least for her – one way or another, the day would come when it ended for her. And then everyone else would gather again like this, staring, waiting for somebody to give them an answer they will never understand. There was nothing to understand. The facts were simple and laid out plain in the open. Still she'll never understand it. The questions would never end, always turning around the classical five Ws.
It will be over soon.
A dull sound reached her ear, reminding her that they would soon have to leave. The words she had so successfully tuned out would end and everyone would get back to… reality, work. Life. They would have to go back and soon they would pretend that nothing ever happened. None of them would forget this or the reason for them being here. But if they kept this moment here with them every second of the day, they would have gone crazy a long time ago. Looking up at the grey sky, she wondered if the rain will stop as soon as last word was spoken. This setup fit the occasion way too well. The rain, flags on half mast, everyone in their dress uniform –which look rather black than dark blue today. So there was only one question left.
Why was Angell recalled to heaven?
But the rain didn't stop and she never got an answer.
end