This is, quite possibly, the most pointless thing I have ever written! I'm actually kinda hesitant to post it because of its sheer stupidity...
But then I figured, what the heck; it's Christmas! I'll share! Then you poor people can complain to me about how your eyes are bleeding :)
All I really did was rewrite How the Grinch Stole Christmas, and make it into a perverted FMA fanfic.
For the record, I am not Dr. Seuss, nor can I even come up with a quarter of the rhymes you will see here. I got bored, thought of this, and was like, "Ehhh… Okay…"
What can I say? I have the flu, therefore I have a lot of time on my hands…
I do not own How the Grinch Stole Christmas.
Nor do I own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of the characters.
This is only for fun!
Merry Christmas!
How Scar Stole Christmas
By Hyperthia…
But mostly by Dr. Seuss
Every Alchemist down in Central liked Christmas a lot
But Scar Who lived just north of Central Did Not!
Scar hated Christmas
The whole Christmas season
Now don't ask me why.
No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his brother didn't put his arm on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shades were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small.
But, whatever the reason,
His arm
Or his shades,
He stood there on Christmas Eve,
hating the Alchemists, and the fact that they didn't rhyme with shades.
Staring down from his cave with a sour frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Alchemist down in Central beneath was busy now,
Transmuting a mistletoe wreath.
And they're hanging their stockings
He snarled with a sneer.
Tomorrow is Christmas!
It's practically here!
Then he growled, with his Ishballan fingers nervously drumming
In the Name of Ishballa, I must find some way to stop Christmas from coming!
And the more that Scar thought of this Alchemist Christmas thing,
The more Scar thought,
In the name of Ishballa, I must stop this whole thing!
Why for fifty-three years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!
But how?
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
Scar got a wonderful, awful idea!
I know just what I'll do.
Scar laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked,
What a great trick!
With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!
All I need is a trick reindeer…
Scar looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce,
there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Ishballan?
Scar simply said
If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!
So he called his crony, Yoki.
Then he took some red thread
and he tied a big horn on top of Yoki's head.
"This is obsurd!" cried Yoki.
"In the Name of Ishballa, shut up or I'll make you!" Scar growled back. Yoki quietly obeyed.
Then he loaded some bags and some old empty sacks on a ramshackle sleigh
And he hitched up old Yoki.
Then Scar said,
In the name of Ishballa, Gidiyap!
And the sleigh started down toward the homes
Where the Alchemists lay a-snooze in their town.
All the windows were dark.
Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Alchemists were all dreaming sweet dreams of transmutations without care
When Scar came to the first little house on the square
This is stop number one!
The old Ishballan Claus hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney.
A rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, for Scar, it should have been a cinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he blew up the chimney and stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little Alchemist's stockings all hung in a row.
These stockings
He grinned,
Are the first things to go!
Then he slithered and slunk,
with a smile most unpleasant,
around the whole room,
and he took every present!
Riza's guns! Chalk! Armstrong's glitter! Drums!
Ignition Gloves! Maes' camera! ! Popcorn and plums!
And he stuffed them in bags.
Then Scar, very swiftly,
Blew up all the bags, one by one, very quickly!
Then he slunk to the icebox.
He blew up the Alchemists' feast!
He blew up the Alchemists' pudding!
He blew up the roast beast!
Then, he blew up the icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Scar even blew up their last can of Alchemist-hash!
Then he stuffed all the mess up the chimney with glee.
And now!
Grinned the Ishballan,
I will blow up the tree!
And then Scar grabbed the tree, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Amestrian!
Little Edward Elric, an Alchemist, not more than seven.
"What?! I'm fifteen, you jerk!"
Shhhh! Shut up and be OOC, Ed; you're ruining the flow!
Ed cursed and shut up,
And Hyperthia continued to go… Whoa!
Scar had been caught by this tiny Alchemist.
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold—Slam!
After punching Scar, Ed glared at the Ishballan and said,
The fuck, Santy Claus?! What the hell are you doing to our Christmas tree?!
But you know that old Scar is so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
Why, my sweet little tot,
Edward glared hard at the fake Santy Claus, but Scar continued to talk,
In the Name of Ish— uhmm… Just go to sleep.
Then Scar patted Edward's head and he got a drink and he sent him to bed.
And when Edward Elric went to bed with his cup,
Scar went to the tree and, in the Name of Ishballa, he blew the thing up!
Then the last thing he destroyed was the log for the fire!
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of food that he left on the bed
Was a crumb far too small, even for Ed.
Then he did the same thing to the other Alchemists' houses.
Leaving crumbs much too small for the Alchemists' mouses!
It was quarter past dawn…
All the Alchemists, still a-bed,
All the Alchemists, still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their presents!
The ribbons!
The wrappings!
The tags!
And the tinsel!
The trimmings!
The trappings!
Three thousand feet up!
Up the side of Mt. Armpit,
he rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it! No… to blow it all up!
Destruction to the Alchemists!
He was Scar-ish-ly humming
They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
They're just waking up!
I know just what they'll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.
Then the Alchemists down in Central will all cry Boo-Hoo!
That is a noise,
Grinned the Ishballan,
That I simply must hear!
So he paused.
And Scar put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low.
Then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it was merry!
Very!
He stared down at Central! Scar popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Alchemist down in Central
The tall
And the small-
"HEY!" cried Ed.
"Shut up, Ed!" Hyperthia yelled back. "Sing Damn it!"
Then the Alchemists were singing!
Without any presents at all!
Scar hadn't stopped Christmas from coming!
It came!
Somehow or other,
it came just the same!
And Scar, with his Ishballan feet ice-cold in the snow,
stood brooding and brooding with how this could be so?
It came without ribbons!
It came without tags!
It came without packages, boxes or bags!
He brooded three hours, till his brooder was sore.
Then Scar thought of something he hadn't before!
Maybe Christmas
He thought
Doesn't come from a store.
Maybe Christmas…perhaps…means a little bit more!
And what happened then…?
Well…in Central they say that Scar's small heart grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he Blew up the toys!
And blew up the feast!
And he…
Scar himself…
Blew up the roast beast!
As it turn out, he really didn't learn much...
Oh well...
See? It was extremely dumb.
But, you know, I did say it was only for fun.
Now I can't stop typing in rhyme,
I'll kill myself if I rhyme all the time.
I need to get my focus back on my other fics.
See you later!
Oh, and Merry Christmas!
I fail.