Intro: Okay, this is the sequel to the first spamfic I wrote titled "A Long And Rather Pointless Battle With A Spider". It is recommended (but not necessary) that you read that one first.
------------{ Three Thousand Years of Ancient Chinese Amazon History Versus A Spider }------------
It was another peaceful day in Nerima. If fact, it was SO peaceful, most of the SANE residents were gibbering in fear. Namely, everyone but the Tendos, the Saotomes, and the owners of the restaurants U-chan's and the Cat Cafe. The Kuno mansion doesn't count.
At the U-chan's, the owner was cheerfully grilling a customer who had had the courage to try and ask her out on a date. Grilling. As in, literaly. His screams of pain caught the attention of a spider from outside, which sauntered in. Upon seeing the Big-Ass Spatula attached the smiling girl's back, it did an about-face and headed straight back out.
Meanwhile, the resident Joketsuzoku Amazon, Shampoo, was on a late morning delivery. As she rode her bicycle past her rival's restaurant, she suddenly noticed the spider dangling from her handlebars. This was a little strange, if you considered the fact that she was moving at a little under the speed limit. For the Auto-ban. (Quick AN: Yes, I know. The Auto-ban doesn't HAVE a speed limit. Now you know how fast she was going.) :D
Frowning, she slowed down to a slightly more normal speed and tried to squash it. She missed. She tried again, with the same results. Her frustration built as continued attempts to squash it met with failure each time. Un-nerved at being unable to squash it, she finally settled for carefully keeping track of it until she got back to the restaurant.
------{ The Cat Cafe }------
Cologne paused in stirring the current batch of ramen noodles when she heard a screech and a crash outside. Glancing out the front door, she sweat-dropped as she saw Shampoo plastered against a nearby wall, tangled up with her bicycle. [Well, I guess that's ONE way to stop.]
Shampoo groaned, then franticly sat up and tried to locate the spider. Something tickled her nose and she looked at it, eyes crossing. There was the spider, perched on the tip of her nose. She sighed in relief at finally having found it, then realized exactly where it was. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Scrambling backwards, she knocked her head against the wall in a successful attempt to shake it off. Only, now it was on her leg...
Alerted by Shampoo's scream, Mousse stopped wiping tables and dashed in the direction he had heard it. "Shampoo, my love!! Don't worry, I'm coming!" After encountering and defeating two tables, five chairs, three potted plants, and a doorframe, he finally made it outside. He looked around desperately, "Shampoo, darling!! What's the matter, Shampoo??" He finally spotted a blue-ish blur that seemed to be- [... Attacking the wall?] "Shampoo?? What are you doing? What did that wall ever do to you??"
"NOT WALL!! SPIDER!!!!" Shampoo continued to try to smack the spider, which refused to leave her body. It somehow climbed onto her arm, and in a desperate attampt to kill it, she slammed herself against the wall again.
This time, it allowed itself to be shaken off, and Shampoo took advantage of this opportunity to take refuge behind Mousse, "Aiyah!! There is! KILL!!!!" She pointed carefully, and Mousse let off a volley of chains and bladed weapons from within the dark expanses of his robes. In the opposite direction of the spider.
Shampoo angrily bopped him on the head, "Aiyah! Stupid Mousse! Use glasses for once!"
He retracted his chains, then pulled his glasses down over his eyes. Shampoo pointed at the spider once more and he carefully aimed again, "Nyuucheiju School of Hidden Weapons Martial Arts Special Technique: Crow's Nest!!" This time the chains emerged in the form of a net, covering the whole area with an expanse of chain. "As a flock of crows engulf their enemy, so do my chains engulf my opponent." Grinning smugly, he retracted his chains once more, only to feel a tickling sensation from inside his robes. Jerking in surprise, he flung a single chain at the opposite wall, where it embedded itself. Shampoo looked at it closely and watched in shock as the untouched spider crawled off of the chain and onto the wall.
Looking on from the doorway of the Cat Cafe, Cologne shook her head in exasperation and disbelief. Putting on a mask of amusement, she pogo-ed out onto the sidewalk on her staff, "Youngsters these days... Can't even squish a measly little spider." So saying, she calmly hopped off of her staff and swatted the spider with it. "See? Nothing to it."
"Ano... Great-grandmother?"
Smiling smug- I mean benignly, she turned toward her great-grandaughter, "Yes, child?"
"Ummm... No know how say, but... ehhhh... "
"Yes?" Cologne's tone became a little stressed.
"Uuuuhhhh... "
"What is it?" Her smile began showing signs of strain.
"Ehhhhhhhhhh..."
"For goodness' sake, SPIT IT OUT!!!"
Shampoo shrank away from her great-grandmother's outburst and spoke VERY quietly, "Spider on sleeve." Cologne looked down.
"YYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
------{ Tendo home }------
Ranma looked up from reading one of Nabiki's manga that he'd pilfered and winced, "Poor animal."
------{ Back to the Cafe }------
Shampoo and Mousse were plastered against the wall of the building as they stared wild-eyed at the three-hundred year-old Matriarch, who had grasped her heart and was nearly hyperventilating. Taking several moments to calm her frenzied heart, she slowly stood upright, clutching her staff shakily. After regaining her composure, she calmly glanced over at the two wild-eyed teens, "You didn't see that." Frenzied nodding was her reply.
Satisfied, Cologne started back inside the restaurant, but stopped when she noticed the spider, standing completely still in the middle of the sidewalk. It presented a perfect target. Slowly, she turned to face it, staring it in the eyes the whole time. Cautiously, she moved forward until she was less than a foot away.
She gave it a hard stare, "Leave." It didn't budge.
She glared at it, "Now." It twitched, but otherwise didn't move.
Finally she straightened, "Very well." She turned to leave, but suddenly turned and swatted the spider with all the speed she could muster. (This would be faster than Ranma's Katchu Tenshin Amaguri-ken.) She missed. Well, almost. The spider was now missing a leg. Carefully reining in her anger, she smiled smugly, "I have you now."
After staring down at the spider for a short period of time, she lashed out again, "Katchu Tenshin Amaguri-ken!!!" Strikes rained down on the sidewalk, demolishing it at speeds far faster than Ranma could ever hope to achieve (in only a week). The spider was still intact. Cologne stared at it in disbelief.
Recovering, she turned to Mousse, "Get me a kettle from the kitchen, boy." Shakily, he nodded and edged along the wall until he reached the doorway, whereupon he made his escape- I mean went to retreive the kettle.
Several minutes later, Mousse poked his head around the doorway and saw Cologne STILL in a staring match with the spider. Very carefully, he ducked back inside and tossed the hot kettle outside. And, hopefully, toward Cologne.
Not looking away from the spider, the Three-hundred Year-old Matriarch snagged the boiling kettle out of the air with her staff. Pausing only slightly, she slammed the kettle down with such force that it exploded, sending hot water everywhere. After the steam had cleared away, Cologne raised her staff in triumph. There was no way the thing could have avoided all that hot water. It had to have been killed instantly. Regaining control of herself, she lowered her staff- and froze.
The spider dangled from a single strand of web on the tip of her staff. She stared at it in disbelief for several long minutes. Finally she glared at it and moved into the Cat Cafe. Without a single word, she raised her staff and pointed at a corner. Calmly, the spider dropped to the ground and moved over to the corner, whereupon it climbed the wall and began making its web, seemingly oblivious to the Matriarch's icey glare.
------{ Several Days Later }------
Hiroshi and Daisuke sauntered into the Cat Cafe and plopped themselves down at a table, "Hey, did you guys hear the news?"
Shampoo perked up, "What news?"
"They say a spider got into the Tendo's and destroyed the house! Of course, the Tendo's are claiming it was a new challenger for Ranma, but-"
"HEY OLD GHOUL, I NEED TO TALK TA YOU!! I- Hey, isn't that... NEVER MIND!!" Ranma's exit was as quick as his entrance.
"......"
"......"
"Say, what's that spider doing over there, anyway??"
"It pay rent. Just ignore." Shampoo answered tersely.
------{ End Story }------
Geh. Done. Finally! I had it mostly done for several months now, but I got writers block toward the end until just recently. Oh well, at least I got it out.
Oh, and not to worry. Chaos 1/2 Episode 05 is almost done.
Hello?
Anyone out there?
Anybody?
*sighs*
------------{ Three Thousand Years of Ancient Chinese Amazon History Versus A Spider }------------
It was another peaceful day in Nerima. If fact, it was SO peaceful, most of the SANE residents were gibbering in fear. Namely, everyone but the Tendos, the Saotomes, and the owners of the restaurants U-chan's and the Cat Cafe. The Kuno mansion doesn't count.
At the U-chan's, the owner was cheerfully grilling a customer who had had the courage to try and ask her out on a date. Grilling. As in, literaly. His screams of pain caught the attention of a spider from outside, which sauntered in. Upon seeing the Big-Ass Spatula attached the smiling girl's back, it did an about-face and headed straight back out.
Meanwhile, the resident Joketsuzoku Amazon, Shampoo, was on a late morning delivery. As she rode her bicycle past her rival's restaurant, she suddenly noticed the spider dangling from her handlebars. This was a little strange, if you considered the fact that she was moving at a little under the speed limit. For the Auto-ban. (Quick AN: Yes, I know. The Auto-ban doesn't HAVE a speed limit. Now you know how fast she was going.) :D
Frowning, she slowed down to a slightly more normal speed and tried to squash it. She missed. She tried again, with the same results. Her frustration built as continued attempts to squash it met with failure each time. Un-nerved at being unable to squash it, she finally settled for carefully keeping track of it until she got back to the restaurant.
------{ The Cat Cafe }------
Cologne paused in stirring the current batch of ramen noodles when she heard a screech and a crash outside. Glancing out the front door, she sweat-dropped as she saw Shampoo plastered against a nearby wall, tangled up with her bicycle. [Well, I guess that's ONE way to stop.]
Shampoo groaned, then franticly sat up and tried to locate the spider. Something tickled her nose and she looked at it, eyes crossing. There was the spider, perched on the tip of her nose. She sighed in relief at finally having found it, then realized exactly where it was. "YEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Scrambling backwards, she knocked her head against the wall in a successful attempt to shake it off. Only, now it was on her leg...
Alerted by Shampoo's scream, Mousse stopped wiping tables and dashed in the direction he had heard it. "Shampoo, my love!! Don't worry, I'm coming!" After encountering and defeating two tables, five chairs, three potted plants, and a doorframe, he finally made it outside. He looked around desperately, "Shampoo, darling!! What's the matter, Shampoo??" He finally spotted a blue-ish blur that seemed to be- [... Attacking the wall?] "Shampoo?? What are you doing? What did that wall ever do to you??"
"NOT WALL!! SPIDER!!!!" Shampoo continued to try to smack the spider, which refused to leave her body. It somehow climbed onto her arm, and in a desperate attampt to kill it, she slammed herself against the wall again.
This time, it allowed itself to be shaken off, and Shampoo took advantage of this opportunity to take refuge behind Mousse, "Aiyah!! There is! KILL!!!!" She pointed carefully, and Mousse let off a volley of chains and bladed weapons from within the dark expanses of his robes. In the opposite direction of the spider.
Shampoo angrily bopped him on the head, "Aiyah! Stupid Mousse! Use glasses for once!"
He retracted his chains, then pulled his glasses down over his eyes. Shampoo pointed at the spider once more and he carefully aimed again, "Nyuucheiju School of Hidden Weapons Martial Arts Special Technique: Crow's Nest!!" This time the chains emerged in the form of a net, covering the whole area with an expanse of chain. "As a flock of crows engulf their enemy, so do my chains engulf my opponent." Grinning smugly, he retracted his chains once more, only to feel a tickling sensation from inside his robes. Jerking in surprise, he flung a single chain at the opposite wall, where it embedded itself. Shampoo looked at it closely and watched in shock as the untouched spider crawled off of the chain and onto the wall.
Looking on from the doorway of the Cat Cafe, Cologne shook her head in exasperation and disbelief. Putting on a mask of amusement, she pogo-ed out onto the sidewalk on her staff, "Youngsters these days... Can't even squish a measly little spider." So saying, she calmly hopped off of her staff and swatted the spider with it. "See? Nothing to it."
"Ano... Great-grandmother?"
Smiling smug- I mean benignly, she turned toward her great-grandaughter, "Yes, child?"
"Ummm... No know how say, but... ehhhh... "
"Yes?" Cologne's tone became a little stressed.
"Uuuuhhhh... "
"What is it?" Her smile began showing signs of strain.
"Ehhhhhhhhhh..."
"For goodness' sake, SPIT IT OUT!!!"
Shampoo shrank away from her great-grandmother's outburst and spoke VERY quietly, "Spider on sleeve." Cologne looked down.
"YYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
------{ Tendo home }------
Ranma looked up from reading one of Nabiki's manga that he'd pilfered and winced, "Poor animal."
------{ Back to the Cafe }------
Shampoo and Mousse were plastered against the wall of the building as they stared wild-eyed at the three-hundred year-old Matriarch, who had grasped her heart and was nearly hyperventilating. Taking several moments to calm her frenzied heart, she slowly stood upright, clutching her staff shakily. After regaining her composure, she calmly glanced over at the two wild-eyed teens, "You didn't see that." Frenzied nodding was her reply.
Satisfied, Cologne started back inside the restaurant, but stopped when she noticed the spider, standing completely still in the middle of the sidewalk. It presented a perfect target. Slowly, she turned to face it, staring it in the eyes the whole time. Cautiously, she moved forward until she was less than a foot away.
She gave it a hard stare, "Leave." It didn't budge.
She glared at it, "Now." It twitched, but otherwise didn't move.
Finally she straightened, "Very well." She turned to leave, but suddenly turned and swatted the spider with all the speed she could muster. (This would be faster than Ranma's Katchu Tenshin Amaguri-ken.) She missed. Well, almost. The spider was now missing a leg. Carefully reining in her anger, she smiled smugly, "I have you now."
After staring down at the spider for a short period of time, she lashed out again, "Katchu Tenshin Amaguri-ken!!!" Strikes rained down on the sidewalk, demolishing it at speeds far faster than Ranma could ever hope to achieve (in only a week). The spider was still intact. Cologne stared at it in disbelief.
Recovering, she turned to Mousse, "Get me a kettle from the kitchen, boy." Shakily, he nodded and edged along the wall until he reached the doorway, whereupon he made his escape- I mean went to retreive the kettle.
Several minutes later, Mousse poked his head around the doorway and saw Cologne STILL in a staring match with the spider. Very carefully, he ducked back inside and tossed the hot kettle outside. And, hopefully, toward Cologne.
Not looking away from the spider, the Three-hundred Year-old Matriarch snagged the boiling kettle out of the air with her staff. Pausing only slightly, she slammed the kettle down with such force that it exploded, sending hot water everywhere. After the steam had cleared away, Cologne raised her staff in triumph. There was no way the thing could have avoided all that hot water. It had to have been killed instantly. Regaining control of herself, she lowered her staff- and froze.
The spider dangled from a single strand of web on the tip of her staff. She stared at it in disbelief for several long minutes. Finally she glared at it and moved into the Cat Cafe. Without a single word, she raised her staff and pointed at a corner. Calmly, the spider dropped to the ground and moved over to the corner, whereupon it climbed the wall and began making its web, seemingly oblivious to the Matriarch's icey glare.
------{ Several Days Later }------
Hiroshi and Daisuke sauntered into the Cat Cafe and plopped themselves down at a table, "Hey, did you guys hear the news?"
Shampoo perked up, "What news?"
"They say a spider got into the Tendo's and destroyed the house! Of course, the Tendo's are claiming it was a new challenger for Ranma, but-"
"HEY OLD GHOUL, I NEED TO TALK TA YOU!! I- Hey, isn't that... NEVER MIND!!" Ranma's exit was as quick as his entrance.
"......"
"......"
"Say, what's that spider doing over there, anyway??"
"It pay rent. Just ignore." Shampoo answered tersely.
------{ End Story }------
Geh. Done. Finally! I had it mostly done for several months now, but I got writers block toward the end until just recently. Oh well, at least I got it out.
Oh, and not to worry. Chaos 1/2 Episode 05 is almost done.
Hello?
Anyone out there?
Anybody?
*sighs*