"Excuse me…" Hyatt said. "The supreme ideological organization of ACROSS has the following message intended for the masses of the Earth."
"May those of you who celebrate this corrupt holiday be punished!" Excel shouted, shaking an angry fist while jumping in front of Hyatt. "The greeting cards used to convey messages on this day are mere cover-ups for the conspiracy that is-"
And, as many Excel Saga chapters, episodes, and fanfictions usually begin, Hyatt died momentarily and Excel was purged via the trap door.
"Next time, stick to the original speech," Il Palazzo muttered, letting go of the rope. "And I, for one, have more to say on the matter. This so called holiday shall lead to the purging of all humanity as of right n-"
"Lord Il Palazzo!" Excel exclaimed frantically, climbing from the pit with a large snake rapped around her. "Those prisoners you kept down there finally finished your dating sim game!"
"Not in front of the camera," he said through clenched teeth, glaring. He pulled down the rope once more, closing the trap door. The young woman's arm was stuck, holding the game.
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF THE IDEAL OF ACROSS, GET THIS DAMNED THING OFF ME BEFORE-"
The leader got off his throne and took the game from her. "I'll take that… to use for my thesis on corruption…" Upon getting back to his throne, he tugged at the rope and sent Excel hurtling back down to the bottom, crushing and killing four Nabesoft employees.
In a small grocery store in Fukuoka, a certifiably insane looking man approached the door. He bumped into one of his assistants on the way, sending the several stolen objects flying out of his shirt. (1)
"Sorry, Mr. Rikdo!" the assistant exclaimed.
"You moron!" he glared. "I wish you hadn't recovered from your motorcycle accident, you little…"
"Hey, you bastard!" snarled a security guard, who pounced on the poor manga artist.
"I swear, I'm innocent!"
"I've read Excel Saga," the guard informed him. "I know there's something wrong with you."
"Don't I have to be read my rights first?" (2)
"Fine…" He reached for a slip of paper from his jacket pocket. "Koshi Rikdo gives permission to turn Excel Saga into a dating sim themed fanfic."
"But I never-"
The guard ignored him and punched him in the forehead. It happened to leave a series of scratches shaped conveniently like Rikdo's stamp.
LOVE PUNY AGAIN
Chapter One: Lost Identity
The silver-haired man sat on his throne, in the basement that would become the headquarters of the rulers of the world. This dream was absurd, but he kept a serious tone for a while.
After staying still, he tilted is head to detect the presence of his underlings. No one was there—however, the absence of blood on the tiles and earsplitting rambling could have told him that. A grin spread across his face as he slid a rectangular, golden device out from his pocket.
No! A voice from within him injected a warning into his brain. You know it's dangerous! But Il Palazzo dismissed it. Who was this voice to deny him his dating sim?
He questioned himself anyway. Why did he hold the machine in his hands when it contained that infernal cartridge? The last Nabesoft game he played led only to explosions and chaos in the world meant for ACROSS.
But the force of the game won him over. He couldn't resist the sensation of playing the game, despite the negative affects towards the world it would inevitably trigger.
His right index finger pushed the switch. This action would lead to more chaos than he could comprehend. The Nabesoft logo, a man with an afro and mustache, flashed for a second, and then it started...
Watanabe woke up in his messy apartment. He had spent all of yesterday trying to clean it up for Miss Ayasugi's visit. She, unbeknownst to him, ended up dead in the middle of a busy road. In the end, the apartment was destroyed by Iwata, who later developed a concussion and a red mark shaped like a fire extinguisher.
Suddenly, the young man's eyes opened. He found himself in a yellow bedroom, which was actually clean as opposed to his own. In front of him was a young blonde in a green school uniform, sitting on his bed.
"Brother IlPala …" she started.
"DAMN!" exclaimed the leader of ACROSS. It had been years since the first game was released and they still only allowed six characters in a name!
"We've got to get to school, IlPala!" she shouted, shaking Watanabe.
"But I graduated!" protested Watanabe, now renamed IlPala.
Unfortunately, Excel wouldn't accept this. She slammed a stick on IlPala's desk squarely into his face, scrambling his mind.
"Oh no, I'll be late for school!"
"I said, are you okay?" questioned the real Excel, who was jabbing at Watanabe's figure with a stick.
Thankfully, he woke up with a dazed expression on his face. Finally, someone Excel could beg for money! Excel could finally afford the entire loaf of bread!
IlPala, formerly Watanabe, leapt from his bed.
However, instead of following the regular dating sim rules, Il Palazzo decided to vent his anger over the naming system. His glare shifted towards the options.
Options:
A- Go to school
B- Ignore
C- Kill
D- Put it in
Rolling his eyes over from C to D and back several times, he finally made a decision and scrolled to Option C.
"WHAT? You're terrible, brother--"
IlPala immediately silenced her with a bullet to the face from his pistol. His eyes widened at the sight of his sister gushing blood.
Il Palazzo, on the other hand, chuckled with satisfaction. The only thing that could improve the situation would be if she died from a trap-door/shark/alligator related injury.
"Damn, this is getting weird," the ACROSS employee muttered. Watanabe was sitting upright, but his expression was similar to Hyatt's when she was in between life and death.
Suddenly, the once-normal man walked up. He silently walked to a drawer and took a handgun with the phrase "For that bastard" (whose identity is obvious) taped to it.
"What's with that?" Excel questioned, a drop of sweat falling from her forehead.
He fired a bullet at her, causing a bang that sent her jumping back. Thankfully, Iwata was trying to sneak some food from his neighbor's fridge at the time. BLAM! He hit the ground with a thud, a pool of blood leaking from his side. Watanabe didn't respond.
There was no way he was himself.
"Well, Mr. Ignorant-Member-Of-The-Masses-Who-Shows-Signs-of-Dementia, I've got to get the hell out of here before I meet a bullet-ridden fate! Adios!"
Excel kicked down the door in mid-air, and, considering her malnourishment, must have required a lot of willpower. But the idea of getting shot in the face kept her running.
"Ha-chan!" she shouted, pushing the door open. Not wanting to waste time, she picked up the corpse of her friend under her arm and continued running. "If you're still alive, you probably wanna know that the guy who found a way to break into our apartment when you're showering is going insane even for us and could probably kill me or kill you permanently for once so wake up!"
This sentence was recorded by one of Kabapu's surveillance committees and studied extensively for months. No one could decipher it, and it was eventually trampled by a hyperactive Ropponmatsu II.
IlPala stood in front of the school with his sister. He walked through the hallway, searching for someone he recognized, when he accidentally bumped into a young woman with red hair.
"IlPala-kun!" she exclaimed. "Watch where you're going, you fool!"
"No one insults the honorable upcoming king of this world!" he grunted, but managed to control himself. After all, the ruler of the entire human race should remain calm.
Options:
A- Apologize
B- Insult
C- Create a distraction and run like hell
D- Put it in
Il Palazzo, who was about to select "C", accidentally let his finger slip and choose "D".
"Oh dear…" he muttered. "Oh well, it is only a game, after all…"
Excel was hiding in the sewers, panting heavily. Slime oozed from everywhere, and the river of sewage continued to flow. She was extremely familiar with this place, but it was strange to be there when home from work. From outside, she heard a female voice shrieking "WATANABE!" which was followed by a noise quite similar to a hand grenade exploding.
"You okay, Ha-chan?" she asked.
The dark-haired girl woke up and stood up. She blinked a few times and reached for her glasses, which were miles away.
"Oh dear, Senior… The angels were…"
"No time to discuss the afterlife!" Excel interrupted. "That guy—he's coming to kill us all!"
"The TV bill collector…?"
"NO! I told you, it's that neighbor who's always following you around! He just shot a man! Surely that Iwata guy had it coming, but it was intended for me! What will become of ACROSS if I, the best damn…latrine orderly our organization's ever had, ends up shot by some psychopath?"
"Our toilets would degrade in quality, Senior," commented Hyatt, trying to boost her coworker's self esteem.
"Exactly!" declared the blonde, standing on the head of one of the sewer monsters. "Therefore, I propose that we must infiltrate every building in Fukuoka in order to obtain information about his insanity!"
"A noble idea, Senior."
Excel's "Hail Il Palazzo!" was drowned out as Watanabe was subsequently being beaten over the head. ("This will be the last time…" Il Palazzo told himself, before bursting into laughter at the video game Misaki's reaction.)
The leader of ACROSS sat lazily at his throne. In one hand was a thick magazine used by the masses to spread news on virtual entertainment. In his right hand was the generic-to-avoid-lawsuits game console. He scanned the book carefully.
"Love Painful, Love Pimp… Ah, Love Puny Again!" he said, his eyes lighting up. Before conquering the city, he would conquer the dating sim. "Cheat codes? Blasphemy! The Supreme Lord Il Palazzo merely finds ways to outsmart even machines! I'd never stoop to… Ooh, a violence mod…"
He carefully typed in the code. The screen began to expel a massive glow that enveloped the entire city.
"Press start to play 'Love Puny Revenge'," an electronic voice instructed.
"No one orders Il Palazzo!" the man snarled, crushing the game in his right hand. "…Oh no!"
After the game was fixed at an overpriced gaming store, Il Palazzo wrote them on his 'Kill immediately' list and resumed playing.
IlPala sat at a desk, listening to a lecture that the game programmers neglected to script. Because of this, he fell asleep. The teacher promptly shot at him with a machine gun, only adding to the anime clichés.
After the bullets started bouncing off his skin at an alarming speed, the young man shrieked in pain. The name "Iwata!" immediately escaped his mouth out of instinct.
"Damn it, that hurt, you bastard!" he shouted, feeling an urge to commit murder overwhelm him quickly. Suddenly, to Il Palazzo's surprise, the options went from the normal A-D (D being 'Put it in', of course) to an additional E-H (all graphic descriptions of violent acts). To his disappointment, none of them involved dropping teenage girls through trap doors.
"Hmm… G sounds entertaining enough…" he told himself.
"Why are just standing there?" snapped the male teacher, waving a ruler. The machine gun would have been more affective. "Hmm?"
IlPala's eyes opened in an instant, but in a pure white expression. His pupils had vanished mysteriously in rage. The teacher gulped. His gun seemed insignificant in comparison to the machete in the main character's hands.
"Have pity on a simple NPC!" he pleaded, instantly dropping his tough attitude to beg for his life. "You'll get a bad ending if you kill me! Really! This is a dating sim, right? When the hell does this happen in a game of this natu-"
A swift blade to the jugular eliminated the annoyance. The game's protagonist rammed the blade into the generic character's back, spraying incredibly fake looking blood everywhere. The fact that his eyes turned into "x"s really detracted from the reality.
The rest of the class watched in horror as blood splattered onto the desks and walls. IlPala growled and kicked the door open before dashing away like a rabid animal.
"These game programmers had issues that are quite apparent," Il Palazzo commented in his 'I'm-the-future-ruler-of-humanity' headquarters and continued to send his game character on a killing spree.
"IlPala-kun…?" a faint, female voice called out. The psychopath's eyes opened in surprise. "Miss Ayasugi?"
Options:
A- Go to class with
B- Ask on a date
C- Use lockers
D- Put it in
E- Stab
F- Rob
G- Kill her annoying friend
It was increasingly obvious where this was heading. "Well, in the first game she was friendly with the annoying blonde girl… I like this girl too much to kill." He selected G.
As soon as the command entered his brain, IlPala ignored the dark-haired girl and dashed out the door. The scenery around him morphed into a colorful blur, until it appeared to him that he was in the city.
The young man jumped high into the air before ripping a rocket launcher from some bizarre void in the sky. He pulled the trigger several times, jerking him backwards with the explosions. Cars began to fling themselves into the air as clouds of smoke gathered everywhere.
Needless to say, the real world wasn't in any better condition. Matsuya stared out the window as her coworker smashed open car windows and beat civilians before her eyes. She immediately grabbed Iwata and pulled at his arm until he shouted in pain.
"What the hell did you do to Watanabe that made him snap?" she growled furiously. "It has to be you behind this!"
"Misaki, why am I always the first one blamed when he's the one killing people over there!" Norikuni protested. His coworker slammed him into a wooden desk, snapping it in two. "What about that chick he's so obsessed with?"
The red-headed woman dropped her enemy, causing him to hit the tiles on the floor hard. "I did see her lying on the floor covered in blood… Is Watanabe doing this out of grief?"
She walked to the closet, ignoring a heavily bleeding Iwata.
"And I was goddamn shot in the arm two hours ago, too… I knew I should have skipped work…"
In the closet was a bright green suit. The rest of the Daitenzin suits were damaged in a fire that one of them was more than slightly responsible for.
"I guess I'll have to go alone, then," she sighed.
Footnotes:
(1)Haha, just kidding. Rikdo always abides by the laws, and by the way he's abused in the anime it's obvious that he can take a joke. If not, I have a series of very angry Japanese lawyers after me.
(2)I have no idea what is said during an arrest in Japan, and, quite frankly, I don't want to learn.