Nightcloud's Thoughts on Crowfeather
I remember when we were apprentices. He would tease me about my hunting crouch. Such a weird thing to remember, you know? But I do. His mentor and mine were close friends, so we would train together. That's how I go to know him. He was a real pain at first, but we grew closer and I began to enjoy his company. We were like brother and sister. And then he disappeared, leaving his Clan without even a goodbye. He didn't even tell me! I was devastated, but when I learned of disappearances of other Clan cats, I felt a little worse. Was he running off on some StarClan mission without me? Of course, Tallstar thought I was crazy. Nocat listened to me!
I got my warrior name first. Just another thing to tease him about when he got back, even though I was a little hurt that he hadn't been there for my ceremony. But he didn't. Moons, I waited, ignoring the toms in the Clan for so long. At last, I saw him again. Crowpaw. I was so happy, but when I greeted him, the usual sparkle in his eyes was gone. He had a haze of pain replacing it, his mind far away from his Clan. From ME. I was patient, though. I waited. I talked to him, even got him to laugh once or twice. But it wasn't until his warrior ceremony that I realized.
When he asked to be named after Feathertail, my heart split in two. I knew from the way he spoke about her that she had been his mate. He had forgotten me! I had held fast to his memory, as loyal as a she-cat can be, but he strayed to be with some RiverClan cat. I slipped away from the cave that night, not wanting to be there as he was congratulated for his accomplishments. Why had I been stupid enough to fall in love with a cat that I knew would never love me back? My grief was to much.
Then it happened. He came looking for me! ME! Not for some stupid dead cat from RiverClan that he could chase in his dreams, but simple, ugly, me. He was worried, he said, because he hadn't seen me after his ceremony. Webfoot had seen me leave, and Crowfeather had come to find me. I looked up into his blue eyes. He was smiling, but it was still there. The pain. The loss. The realization that what he had loved was gone. I wonder if he saw that in my eyes as well, because Crowfeather had slipped away from me. Gone forever.
We found the lake soon after that. I brushed up against him, commenting on its beauty, but he pulled away, racing ahead to speak with some ThunderClan cats. I dragged my paws the rest of the way there, unable to take my mind off of that look in his beautiful blue eyes.
There was a moor in the new territory. Good. Maybe with something familiar, Crowfeather would feel a little more comfortable with his Clan.
But no. Soon after that, he disappeared, along with the ThunderClan apprentice, uh, what is her name? Leafpool? Yeah, thats it. He ran away with another young, beautiful she-cat. And she was very pretty, I'll give her that. But we have roots! He just met this cat! Why was life with Crowfeather so complicated?
I was fighting a badger when he appeared again, ready to drive the ugly brutes away from his sweetheart's camp. Of course, he fought beside her at first. I was completely surprised that he had even come back, and even more surprised that the two cats were returning to their Clans. Well, Leafpool had to, but Crowfeather had strayed from the code twice! How dare he return? And that look in his eyes had come with him.
But scars heal, and I chose to forget and forgive his past. I took it one step at a time, and soon I was pregnant with his kits. He said that he loved me! He said that I was the only on he cared for! He said I was his world! He broke every promise he had made to me. He had my heart on a string, there to toy with whenever he wished. When he was done with his little game, he tossed it aside, and it shattered. Breezepelt was born, and he didn't care to name his own son. He didn't care to visit him, or praise him, or love him at all.
And when Lionblaze, Hollyleaf, and Jayfeather were said to be his kits, my heart was at the verge of killing me. The pain was too much. I couldn't forgive and forget, not this time. I spread rumors about his loyalty. I told Breezepelt lies. I fought and bickered with everycat, and Crowfeather was lost to me forever.
I was so trusting, putting my heart out to someone I knew I couldn't trust. I know that I will never- EVER- make that mistake again.