Serendipity. Shit, this wasn't what I wanted to do. Sometimes you just have to go with it. Would anyone notice that this isn't me? Notice the details and write them down. Okay, okay. Just let me breathe a minute.
Out of rehab, writing songs again, taking the psych meds, all of that. Respecting Ellie's silence. I hurt her. I know I did. I hurt everyone, and it's easy to analyze it, to say that I was hurt first. Maybe I was. But we all were.
It's like quitting smoking cigarettes, which I did, too. For a while after I quit the cocaine I smoked like a fiend, because a nicotine buzz was better than no buzz at all and it was something to do. Not talking to Ellie is like that, I forget about it sometimes but every half hour or so I remember. I see her at the airport, long red hair, little eyes, freckles. There was such finality in her voice when she said it, "goodbye, Craig," like goodbye forever.
Well, I've had those forever goodbyes with people and I pretty much know how it goes. It sort of fades after awhile, the way my parents faded. They faded, Jesus, that sounds awful. But they did. My mother has been dead eight years, my father, five. There is that part of me that longs for them and remembers them vividly but that part is kind of walled off. I just don't want to do that with Ellie. I don't want her to fade.
There's no shortage of girls, I know that sounds sort of crass but it's true. Girls have always liked me. I'm not all that good looking, I mean I am a little bit, sure, but I know it's more than just looks. It's because I can't be what they want or what they need, I can't get over my own stupid issues and certain girls like this, they respond to it. Like Manny and Ellie. Not Ashley so much. With Ashley things were different. So there's girls to kiss and girls to fuck and girls to distract me. None of them are Ellie.
I can't, I can't have Ellie. I just have to face it. Maybe I'm only focusing on her because I can't have her, maybe I'm a sick fuck like that. I want her because she said no. It might be like that. I don't know. I really do try not to think about it. It's time to move on. Out of rehab and out of that whole Degrassi mess. That whole Degrassi entanglement. It was high school, honestly. Ellie belongs in that section of my life marked 'high school' and so she shouldn't cross over to my adult life. High school sucked. It pretty much sucks for everyone, I guess.
So I'm good now. I wake up and drink my coffee and I don't smoke and I don't do lines and I write songs and sometimes I'll meet up with some girl and try to find her as interesting as Ellie. I threw it away. She got me, she always got what I was doing with my songs and with my life. She was…she was definitely someone I didn't appreciate at the time. But fuck it. Fuck regret. What can I do? I screwed up. No one's perfect.
Sometimes the silence feels loud, it seems loud. She hasn't called, e-mailed, text messaged, none of it. Nothing. I can hear that silence, the white noise. I won't break it. It's the least I can do, I guess. It's a closed door. But no other door has opened.
Sometimes I think I could call her. But then if she said something in this cold voice, this final voice, something like, "Why are you calling me, Craig?" I don't think I could take it. It would shatter the little tattered remains of my ego.
It's not just Ellie I'm not talking to. I'm not talking to any of them anymore. They used to be such a huge part of my life, Marco and Spinner and Jimmy and Manny. Now it's like they were never there. Was it really as important as I thought?
Shit, this sucks. Angst ridden emo shit. It's too bad I fucked it up but I can't go back. I thought she'd say, at the airport I thought she'd say things would be okay. She'd wait for me and we could hook up and everything would be fine, because she's always waited for me before. Her little crush kind of made me take her for granted. I know it did.