I open my eyes. Not another day, I can't take it. Will it be the same? Or will I find a way to change it?
"Prentiss, good to see you." Hotch's smile warms my heart. It's only subtle, but I catch it.
"Thanks." My eyes drift downwards. I raise my eyes again as he walks past, before letting my smile fade. I don't know how he can mean that, but he's always been generous with me.
I readjust my pants, they feel tighter today, but I try to tell myself they're just freshly washed and will stretch back out. Breathe, just breathe Emily.
15 minutes later everyone is hustling into the briefing room to hear about our latest case. I see JJ walk in. She is so beautiful and carefree. I smile at her, but my mind is filling with jealousy. Of course I love her, but if only we could all be as beautiful as her. My nose, my nasal voice, reflect the imperfections underneath. I re-adjust in my seat–I can feel my fat spilling over my waistband. It's hard to hear what Hotch is saying, I just keep making eye contact and nodding when it seems appropriate.
"Wheels up in 30. Prentiss?" I vaguely hear Hotch's voice snapping me back to reality.
"Yes?"
"Was there something else you needed?"
I glance around and everyone else is standing and walking out, I realise the meeting must be over.
"Nope, sounds good, I'll get my bag."
Hotch's gaze follows me as I swiftly leave the room.
It's 3pm and we finally arrive at the police station in the small country town. A serial killer has been hunting farmers' daughters and slaughtering them like livestock. I am starting to feel lightheaded as I haven't eaten yet today. One look at the first body in person, my hunger quickly fades. Hotch, Morgan and I start canvassing the scene. The last victim was found in the barn house. Blood, so much blood. Suddenly I feel my knees buckle as my face is approaching the ground, before the world turns to black.
"Emily, Emily?"
My eyes flutter open to see Morgan and Hotch hovering over me. I am resting in Hotch's arms, he must have caught me as I fainted. Morgan is asking me question after question, something I can't concentrate on. All I can see is Hotch, standing over me, not speaking, just staring, but with eyes so deep.
I suddenly realise I am staring into my boss' eyes and reality snaps back into focus.
"Yeh, Im fine. Fine. Sorry about that guys, must be the blood." I slowly sit back up.
"You sure know how to spice up a day Prentiss!" Morgan quips. It's nice to have his humour around to break the ice sometimes.
"What can I say, I try to mix it up." I manage a weak smirk.
"Morgan, take Prentiss back to the station." Hotch seems taken aback, but only slightly.
"No I'm fine, really Hotch, I'll just sit for a minute." I counter.
"Here, I have some gatorade, that should help." Morgan offers.
"NO! I mean, I'll just sit for a minute."
"OK, we'll just be over here, take some air, maybe head out onto the grass." Hotch suggests.
"Sounds nice." I reply.
As I wander into the field, suddenly I feel dirty. Maybe it's the chill on the air, maybe it's my weak stomach. I'll never eat again, my stomach betrays me on so many levels. Only when it's empty can I find peace.
Later that night we head back to the station. We have a few leads on some DNA samples taken from the scene. Hotch makes me rest at the station. I'm quietly relieved, I'm not up for work today. I stay behind mapping some sites with Reid. It's so relaxing being around him, as he babbles on at the latest thing that has caught his attention. Best of all, I can do minimal work tonight and I know he will compensate. Our work family is good like that. When one of us is weakened, the others become stronger.
I sit there, wondering how long I can continue, day after day, facing them, smiling, knowing that they are carrying me. Less, less, I need to be less. I am weighing them down.
The next morning I stare at the ceiling in my hotel room. It's not yet 5am, but I am wide awake, the hunger pangs robbing me of sleep, my only oblivion. Without thinking I sit up, pull on my trackies, runners, and hoodie. As I stand, stars fill my eyes, and I stagger backwards. Perhaps I should have tried something at dinner. I shake the thoughts out of my head as I grab my iPod to head outside for a morning jog.
As I leave my room, I bump in to Hotch returning from the bathroom down the corridor. He is rubbing his eyes and walks right into me.
"Emily! Sorry, how are you feel… are you heading out for a jog?"
"Hotch, morning, yeh, I'm feeling heaps better, so I thought a morning stroll would do me well."
"You look pale, are you sure you'll be OK?"
"I'm fine." Why is he hassling me, I wonder to myself, it's none of his business how I look.
He stares at me for a moment. "Maybe I'll join you. Could use a pick me up myself." Something about the way he says this makes me wonder as to his true intention. Still, I can't see a way of getting out of this without being rude, so I agree.
"Good, I'll put some gear on. Back in a minute."
His attention is starting to grate on me. But at the same time, I crave it.
After a few minutes Hotch returns and we head out.
The fresh morning air feels good on my face. As my arms swing and legs find their rhythm I start to feel more centred. I glance over at Hotch, he has found an even pace beside me. We don't talk much, which is nice. I don't have the energy to chat and jog. 20 minutes later and the sun begins to rise. I soon realise it's not the sun, as bright stars gloss over my eyes and the world once again fades away.
I awaken with Hotch hovering over me, again. This is becoming embarrassing. I stare up at him, expecting judgement and frustration. How useless of me to thrust my weakness upon him. But his face remains impassive. I can't make what he is thinking. I wonder why he is shielding himself. Together we stand up, and slowly walk back to the station, without saying a word.
It's nearly 6 when we return and Reid is up getting his coffee. Hotch leaves me in the hotel lobby entrance and walks over to Reid, whispering a few words in his ear. Reid glances over at me then quickly looks away.
Hotch returns to me, a gentle expression on his face. He asks me to stay at the hotel for the day. I open my mouth to protest, but no voice comes out. My energy seems to have evaporated. I just nod and slowly turn away, heading to my room. As I glance back, I see Hotch is watching me. He momentarily lets slip the slightest sadness in his eyebrows before it disappears. I wonder why he is so concerned.
The team doesn't return until 11pm that evening. I have been lying here all day, on my bed, dosing, drinking camomile tea, just letting time wash over me. I hear a gentle knock on the door, before I hear the door creep open. Hotch slowly enters the room. Upon seeing me awake he slowly approaches the bed and rests on the side.
"Emily, we're heading home in the morning. The unsub attacked another girl, but she castrated him and he bled out, so it's over."
I give no reaction. The case was the furthest from my mind. But seeing him waiting for some response, I manage a soft murmur.
"Emily." He pauses, waiting for my eyes to meet his. Slowly I turn over to face him and meet his gaze.
"Aaron." I reply.
"Talk to me. You're scaring me."
But I have no energy for this conversation tonight. So I roll back over, waiting for him to leave.
Hotch takes the hint and slowly gets up to leave.
"Please don't make me have to tell someone."
With that he walks over to the door, closing it gently behind him. As I hear the door click, tears begin to fall freely down my cheeks. There is no reason in particular, and there is every reason at the same time. I just lay there, hugging myself until eventually fatigue sets in and I drift away.
I open my eyes, the sun is shining through the blinds, it must be after 7. I quickly sit up, knowing we'll be flying out soon. Having a quick shower, I feel more energised. My energy seems to have returned somewhat after my outlet last night. I head down to the lobby at 7.30 to find Morgan and JJ there ready and packed.
"Wow, look at you, all bright and cheery," Morgan comments. My chipper demeanour seems to be taken as is, after all, I was just feeling 'under the weather' right?
"Yeah, I guess I just needed a good rest." Part of me tries to believe this.
Hotch and Reid round the corner and enter the lobby. Hotch notices my change in affect, but does not comment. Instead we all head to the plane and have a restful flight back, each to our own private thoughts. When the plane lands, Hotch hangs back as I move to exit the plane after the others.
Just as I reach the door, he speaks. "Prentiss, can I have a word?"
I hesitate, but only for a moment. I turn around and head back to where he is standing.
"Please, sit," he requests.
I wonder where this is going, but I slowly comply. We are now staring at each other, both waiting for the other to start. My mind is so blank I cannot focus, but at the same time my mind is screaming at me to hold up my guard. So I sit there. Impassive.
"Emily, I..." He begins, before pausing again. It's not often I see him lost for words.
Suddenly it all seems too much, so I stand up and walk away, slow at first, and then faster, until I find myself running across the tarmac, all the way to the women's bathroom in the airport. I run into the first stall, locking the door behind me. My face is flushed, my breathing acute. I stare down at my shaking hands, and suddenly the world begins to come back into focus. I stare at my right hand as it raises towards my mouth. As it enters, as I lean forward and start the familiar heave. Nothing escapes, save bile and water, but I continue, I have to get it all out, anything, everything.
I hear the bathroom door open, but I am past caring, I continue, and continue for the next minute, until I collapse in a heap onto the floor sobbing.
I look to my right and see shoes on the other side of the door, shiny like Hotch wears.
"Emily, open the door."
"Go away Hotch."
"Emily, please open the door," he repeats gently.
Despite my better judgement, I slowly reach for the lock and open it. He gently pushes the door open, and reaches his hand down to help me up.
Together we walk to the sink, and I wash my face and hands.
We stand there in silence for a few moments, the gravity of what is happening hitting home. My hand covers my mouth as I try to process, but all I can do is face this moment, and the ones to come. Finally finding my voice, I begin.
"Hotch, I think... I need some time."
After a pause, he replies, "I know."
That's all I need for my walls to come crashing down. "I'm sorry, I really didn't think it had gotten this bad. I never meant to let you down."
Sensing the change in me, he too drops his facade, taking me into a bear hug. "You haven't. I'll place you on personal leave, no-one outside the team needs to know why."
We stay there like this for a while, as I feel his strength flowing through me. Hotch takes a deep breath before softly speaking in my ear "Thank you".
"For what?" His thanks leaves me confused.
"For letting me in." A small smile crept across the corner of his face, and I wonder why he is softening. "It's been a long time coming and I've held my tongue, but I have a list of people you can see and anonymous programs in the area in my desk at the office, just waiting for you to ask, waiting for you to be ready."
I look at him, the generosity of him astounds me. Finally I stand here, in brutal honesty, and he just offers me his hand and a smile. Together we walk from the bathroom, to the car for the drive back to Quantico.
The next morning, I open my eyes, look out the window, and breathe in the change.