Disclaimer: We don't own anything that had to do with Harry Potter. Vanessa inspired us (Meeny and Reefer) by giving Sirius a middle name. Hehehe.
Sirius Lee Black Goes to Brooklyn
Chapter 1: Sirius Lee Black is Seriously Back!
Sirius was sitting on the floor of his cellar in Azkaban staring into space.
"Isn't this cozy?" Oliver asked him.
"Shut up you shit head! I should bust out of this crappy hellhole. I think I'm going to talk a road trip to… Brooklyn!" Sirius screamed.
"Uh…why Brooklyn?" Oliver asked curiously.
"Because my homeboys live there," Sirius responded.
"Am I 1 of your homeboys?" Oliver asked.
"No, you're my slave. Now get me a martini!" Sirius demanded.
"Yes Master!" Oliver replied while bowing.
Sirius was pissed off. He ate bread and water all day, wishing that he were free with his "home boys." He could sense the ominous presence of the dementors eating away at his life and making him extremely grumpy most of the time. He wished that he could roam the city streets, club hop, smoke behind Borders, and go pimpin in the big city in his hot pink convertible, but it wasn't possible behind Azkaban bars.
"Master, would you like fries with that?" Oliver intruded his thoughts.
"Yes, and make it snappy. Get me a medium fry and a large martini!"
"Well too bad because we only have bread and water," Oliver sassed.
"ARGH! DON'T TRICK ME AGAIN, YOU GIT!" Sirius yelled.
"My bad, dawg," Oliver said sarcastically.
"Oliver, I have one thing to ask of you…" Sirius said.
"Yes Master?" Oliver replied.
"Next time you get the chance, JUMP OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW AND GET EATTEN BY HAGRAWP!"
"What is a Hagrawp?" Oliver inquired.
"The thing you're gonna get eaten by, bitch," Sirius said reasonably.
Oliver looked at Sirius and walked to the side of the room. Sirius began to think of ways that he could escape Azkaban. He wanted to be with his homeboys and he was willing to go to any length to see them. He was sick of being treated like some sort of prisoner. Oh that's right. I am a prisoner! He thought stupidly. Sirius looked around the jail cell for a way to escape. On the bare gray walls, there were only tallies of days passed by. It was only two days, but he just couldn't live like this anymore. His two roommates, Burrito and Oliver, were greatly pissing him off. There were no signs of a possible escape route, except for the vent in the wall. An idea struck him. Ow! He thought. That is most horribleness. The pain, the agony, the horror… of an idea! Yes, a grand, grand idea.
He decided to sneak through the vent. But how? He thought miserably. The dementors would surely catch him trying to sneak out because they were on guard all of the time since they had no real, meaningful lives. Wait, I have an idea! I could use that bitch Oliver and that… Luscious burrito! YES!! He thought.
"Yo bitch, get your good for nothing ass over here! You too Burrito." Sirius screamed.
Oliver sauntered over to him and put his ass in Sirius's face. "There. You said for me to get my ass over here. Well, do you like it?"
"NO!" Sirius yelled. "I didn't mean literally!" Oliver snickered. Sirius looked over to Burrito, but he refused to come.
"Burrito come here!" Sirius screamed but Burrito still didn't move.
"Fine! I'll come and retrieve you. You're a lazy bum like Oliver here!" Sirius said picking up burrito and taking a bite out of him.
"That's good eattin mate! I still want my martini!!" Sirius said.
"Well too bad," Oliver replied.
"GRR!" Sirius yelled.
"What are you in here for, anyway?" Oliver asked curiously.
"I wrestled a crock and got my arm bitten off," Sirius said bitterly. "That was the biggest mistake I ever made."
"What does that have to do with anything? Why are you in jail?"
"Well they sewed my arm back on, but I think they put me in the wrong place," Sirius replied honestly. "What about you?"
"I raped Ginny Weasley at 'Ogwats," Oliver bragged.
"What about you, Burrito?" he asked.
Burrito sat there on the ground while the cheesy goodness spilled over the floor dramatically as Oliver bent over to get some of it.
"Please, Oliver! I don't need to see your ass again!" Sirius complained.
"You know you like it. You have lost all talking privileges! So shut up!" Oliver said bitterly.
"ROAR!" Sirius yelled while defying his last sentence.
"Hung Chung Chicken!" Oliver screamed.
"Wah!" Sirius yelled.
"Must you always ruin my jokes you lame bitch!?" Oliver said scornfully.
"I'm your master, you will listen to me!" Sirius shouted. "Now, you can help me break out of this hell hole so I can see my homies!"
"Oh fine," Oliver agreed.
"We start at nightfall. Let's synchronize watches," Sirius stated.
"But why do we have to synchronize watches? We will be together, right?"
"Just shut up and listen to me before I strip your title of slave!"
"Fine," Oliver gave in.
~AT NIGHTFALL~
"How are we going to escape?" Oliver asked.
"I've made dummies to place under our blankets to make the dementors think that we're sleeping. I even made Burrito a dummy…That was hard to do," Sirius admitted.
"Oh yeah I can only imagine. Even I would have a problem doing that thing. And I never have those kinds of problems, if you know what I mean," Oliver replied with a wink.
"Not that! The dummy making, you asshole," Sirius snapped.
"Oh…right," Oliver said stupidly.
"Next, we must crawl through the vent. I've been doing some talking with inmates that stayed here for a while. They said that the vents lead to the outside. There, we must flee for safety. Understand?" Sirius told him.
"Ummm yeah…" Oliver said confusingly.
"You have got to be the slowest person I know! Oh I have to warn you, there is a gang of ruff thugs that a pansy like you should watch out for!" Sirius said harshly.
"Do you tell people your whole name?" Oliver asked.
"Of course, what do you think people know me as?" Sirius asked him.
"I don't know. What do you say when people ask you your name?" Oliver wondered.
"When a bitch or thug comes up to me on the street, I says, 'Yo this is Sirius Lee Black, representin Azkaban, fool. Get that, jigga?'" Sirius laughed.
Oliver just stared at him and shook his head.
"You ready pansy?" Sirius asked.
"Word to your daddy! Wait… you called me a pansy!" Oliver shouted.
"That took you forever! And can you not scream so loud! The inmates don't appreciate being awake at these hours!" Sirius snapped.
"One more time and I'm gonna snap, SNAP!" Oliver said loudly.
"SHUT UP!" Sirius screamed.
"What? That's high quality slipknot!" Oliver said.
"I hate that white peoples music. Harry Potter is even blacker than you! He listens to Jay-Z and Snoop Doggy Dog. He even watches Doggy Fizzle Tellivizzle!" Sirius said while annoyed.
Oliver replied with a grunt as Sirius motioned to the vent.
"What are you gesturing at? Are you using Azkabany sign language? " Oliver asked.
"No you pathetic imp. I am gesturing for you to join me at the vent," Sirius said while irritated.
"Now? Not here! What will the inmates think?"
"You're a sick fuck. Stop being so perverted. I'm straight!" Sirius replied angrily.
"Oh…too bad," Oliver said while disappointed.
"You're a sick, sick man!! That's absolutely appalling!" Sirius said.
"I like Absolute! I think Bacardi Limon is better though…" Oliver started to say.
"No wonder you raped Ginny… your alcoholic! Ya know what… don't talk to me!" Sirius said.
"NOOOOOOOOO!!! I love you!" Oliver sobbed.
"You only knew me for two days. How can you love me? Oh I know why. I guess everybody just loves me," Sirius said cheerfully.
Oliver crawled over to Sirius's leg while drooling. He looked like a mad dog with rabies (i.e. Edgar Allen Poe). Sirius looked down at him, pet his head, then kicked him in his happy place and punched him in the face.
"Get off my Corinthian Leather fool!" Sirius sneered.
"But I like Corinthian Leather!" Oliver said while he was drooling.
"You gots you drool all over my new suede shoes!" Sirius said kicking him. "Now can we please leave, STOP DROOLING YOU RABBID DAWG!"
Sirius walked over to Burrito and tapped it on the…um…cheese. "Come on, Burrito! We're ditching this joint! Speaking of joints, I need one right now. Yo, Ollie, you gots any more weed?"
"No, and does it look like I'm skating? And incase you care, Burrito smoked my last kilo," Oliver told him.
"Burrito, what have I told you bout smoking?" Sirius said to Burrito. He didn't respond.
Sirius removed the outside of the vent, while annoyed that he couldn't smoke a joint. Stupid Burrito, smoking that last kilo. I told him not to smoke!
"I think we can fit through this hole here. What do you think, Chip?" Sirius asked.
"Well, I don't know, Dale," Oliver said honestly.
Hmm…maybe I should become a male stripper. Then my name can be Chip. But I like being Sirius Lee Black better, he thought. Sirius climbed through the tight vent, while contemplating whether he would rather be a homie or a stripper. It's a tough decision, he thought seriously (A/N: Sirius Lee…haha).
The vent was extremely tight and long just like many other things I know, Sirius thought. Oliver followed closely behind him, while dragging the Burrito with him. When they reached the end of the tunnel, they saw a light.
"Just give me da light, Just give me da light… you like that song Sirius Lee Black?" Oliver laughed.
"You're a git!" Sirius snapped even though he did like that song (A/N: check his Kazaa folder!).
Sirius hopped out of the tunnel and looked at the sun. "I haven't seen the sunlight in twenty years!" he exclaimed in delight while opening his arms to dance around while singing "Hallelujah!"
"You've only been in Azkaban for two days, you git!" Oliver responded, while still clutching Burrito. Half of its cheese was now destroyed, dramatically dripping in the lonely, cold vent right now. Oliver frowned at the thought.
"Do not disrupt the evolution!" Sirius said while annoyed.
"Uh….yeah, whatever," Oliver replied while perplexed.
"Sirius Lee Black is seriously back!" Sirius said while dancing in the crowded streets of Brooklyn.
"What you doing back here Black? I thought we ran you out of town?" A familiar voice said.
"Oh No! Its… its…. Dream Street! These thugs are the toughest bitches I've ever seen!" Sirius exclaimed.
"You bet we are!" Jesse, the leader of the gang said.
"Yo Jesse, I think the Burrito made fun of our music!" Frankie said.
"He's glaring at us! Like some evil, demonic food product!" Matt exclaimed.
"I think he should be… deep fried!" Greg said.
Oliver gasped and tried to grab Burrito. Chris and Frankie held him back.
"NOOO! The cheesay goodness! NOOOOOOOO!" Oliver shouted.
"Shut up Pansy!" Jesse yelled.
"Yo, you don't gots to do this. He's just a young Burrito. He hasn't learned to smoke crack yet!" Oliver shouted.
"ENOUGH! Lets end this!" Jesse said pulling out his pistol.
Will Burrito be spared? Will Oliver find a new best friend if they kill Burrito?
Why the Hell is Dream Street a gang? Tune in next time for the second chapter of….Sirius Lee Black Goes to Brooklyn. Peace jiggas!