The idea came to me when I was listening to the song Nothing Broken But My Heart and went from there.
This has got to be the longest one shot i have ever written and definately the one that took the longest! It's changed loads since i first started it coz it took so long to finish it im not sure what i think of it now i have but i do know thats its strange to be finally posting it. Not sure i like it but its taken so long i think it deserves to be published so here it is...
Disclamier: Yeah I own Harry Potter... I'm also married to Harry as well did you know? Yeah, rite! Oh.. and the song is by Celine Dion in case you're wondering...
Warning: This is slash of the Sirius/Remus kind if you don't like it don't read it... It's that simple...
Nothing Broken But My Heart
By the time Remus Lupin was eleven he understood better than most how painful life could be. Take him for example, a werewolf had bitten him at the age of four because his father had upset said werewolf.
His parents then decided that it was better to avoid Remus at most times once he got older and lock him in the basement at the full moon padded with silencing charms so their friends, most well known in the wizarding world, would not hear his howls.
The Lupins had a high standing in the wizarding world and they did not want their reputation being tarnished by their son. He often wanted to scream at his father that it was his fault that he was this way. But he never did. After all it was no one's fault and Remus knew better than to try and lay the blame with anyone else but himself.
He then learned that he was a wizard but despite that he would probably not be able to attend Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry because of his condition. But someone up in the stars must have loved him even just a little but because then Dumbledore had become headmaster and he had been allowed entrance.
Once he was there he gained three friends that would become more like family than anyone he had ever had. They accepted him totally and did the unthinkable in their fifth year becoming animagi to help him through his transformations.
They had promised, made a blood pact one day in second year after learning his secret never to tell anyone and never to hurt him. But Remus should have known it would never last and now he felt like he had been stabbed through the heart.
I've been over you for some time now baby I don't miss your kiss like before now, anymore now.
Remus stared at Peter and James as if they had grown extra heads. This had to be some kind of joke. It had to be. He couldn't believe it. He wouldn't believe it. They'd promised, they'd all PROMISED him.
"Remus?" James asked softly.
"Please say this is a nightmare." He said quietly. "Please tell me this is some sort of nightmare and I'm going to wake up and find the full moon hasn't been yet." His voice cracked with emotion.
"Remus…" James said gently. "I can't. It's true. I wouldn't be telling you if it wasn't you know that." "Why the hell would he do that?" Remus suddenly fumed. James looked like he was about to answer but Remus cut him off. "Why the fuck would he do that?" Remus roared.
"I thought I meant something to him! Did he think I wouldn't get caught? Did he think that I wouldn't care that I had hurt someone because it was Snape! I can't believe him I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME!"
Peter looked at little green at the declaration but James simply shook his head. "You know he does he's just being a stupid prat." "He couldn't have hurt me anymore than if he'd gone and cheated on me with half the school!" Remus snarled.
James looked shocked. "Remus, I know he did wrong but…" "But nothing James!" Remus snarled. "I've had it! I can't take this anymore." James' eyes went huge. "Remus you can't! James said horrified knowing what Remus was about to do.
At that moment Sirius came tearing round the corner.
If you ask me how I'm doing I'm fine, all I needed was a little time. So if you think I still need you baby I really don't know why…
James stared at him his eyes hard and then said, "Come on Peter we're leaving." He pulled Peter from the hospital Wing and shot a hateful glare at Sirius as he passed before he left the hospital wing.
Sirius stayed by the door as if he was unsure about what to do. Remus simply acted as though he wasn't there although he knew fine well he was since the wolf was pushing insistently on his conscious telling him that his mate was in the vicinity.
He knew it he just didn't want to acknowledge it at the moment. Sirius could tell he was pissed off since there was an angry buzzing in his head and the bond that he and Remus shared as mates was flaring with anger and it wasn't his. Sirius hung his head. He knew he'd screwed up this time. There was no other word for it. He well and truly screwed things up this time.
He finally lifted his head and met Remus' gaze he wanted to flinch and move away but he knew that if he did it would only make it worse. Remus, his gentle caring Remus was like a stranger and he had been the one to cause it now he had to deal with the consequences of doing so.
Remus continued to stare at him almost as though if he stared long enough he'd see right through Sirius and Sirius, although uncomfortable with the scrutiny let Remus look. Anything to get any kind of reaction. This was truly worse than Remus screaming at him.
Oh baby since you left me you night think that my world's been torn apart but if you see me baby you'll see that nothing's broken…nothing's broken but my heart.
"Remus," Sirius said "I…" "I don't want to hear it Black." Remus snapped turning away. Sirius felt is heart wrench. He knew he'd screwed up. He'd known it as he'd done it. He'd ran to James in a panic and told him what he'd done James had punched him before running to the Whomping Willow intending to stop Snape from finding out Remus' secret.
James had managed to stop Snape getting to Remus as a fully transformed werewolf but not before Snape had seen what Remus was. James was struggling with him until Dumbledore seemed to appear out of nowhere and took them both to the office where they spent half the night.
Sirius himself had nursed his broken nose pacing and panicking not able to quite believe what he had done. He had known he would have to tell Remus because he knew Remus wouldn't know. He wouldn't remember he hadn't seen Snape but Snape had seen him.
But before he could find his Gryffindor courage James beat him too it and now Remus was looking at him like he was the plague like he was the Dark Lord himself. Like he was a Slytherin. Sirius felt the pain in his heart. He had spent his life running from his family name, running from the reputation and he couldn't have done anything more like a Black than what he had done to Remus.
He didn't know what to say, there was nothing too say. He knew he'd screwed up and he'd regretted it as soon as he had done it. But he knew that Remus would have wanted to hear that and Sirius couldn't blame him but he didn't know how to make it right either.
"Remus…" He pleaded. Remus just looked out the window at the sun. "Just leave Black." Remus snapped. "You can't ignore me forever." Sirius pleaded. "I can do as I please!" Remus snapped. "I trusted you Sirius," He said saying Sirius' first name for the first time since he had entered the room. But he still wouldn't look at him. "I trusted you all. Look where it got me!" He shook his head.
"Just leave." "Remus…Please…I…" That was all Sirius could thing to say. He couldn't get the words in the right order to do anything else. Remus just sat in bed with his knees up to his chest looking out the window. "No Sirius. I don't want to see you, I don't want to speak to you and I don't want to be near you."
"Remus," Sirius said loosing his battle with his heartbreak and the tears that he hadn't shed since he was 11 broke free. This was worse than any rejection his family had ever given and what was worse he deserved it.
"I didn't mean it Remus. It wasn't meant to be like that. I know you hate me and I know I deserve it but you have to believe me when I say I really am sorry." Then because he knew Remus wouldn't cave on this he did what Remus wanted. He left.
As broken-hearted as his mate because he knew that this time he had gone to far for Remus to simply forgive him.
You won't find no tears in my eyes now baby, if you think that I'm sad that your gone now well your wrong now if you ask I'll say I'm happy being free.
Remus was in shock. He knew he had to be because he'd tried to shout, scream, cry, anything and nothing worked. He wanted to feel something but he was numb. The bond was buzzing insistently telling him to follow his mate to set things right but this time Remus refused to be the one to set things right.
He hadn't been lying to James when he said he felt like Sirius couldn't have hurt him more if he'd cheated on him with half the school. He'd thought Sirius cared. More than that he thought that Sirius loved him.
Of course really he knew that Sirius did the happy humming of the bond and the whispers in his ear when they were alone told him Sirius cared and the fact that Sirius had come out and told James and Peter that he was not only gay but in love with Remus and planned on staying that way only made Remus more sure.
But then why if Sirius loved him would he go and do something like that? Remus shook his head. There were things he didn't understand and at times Sirius was one of them. He didn't know what to do. For better or worse he was mated with Sirius for life and he did love him but he'd heard people say that sometimes love wasn't enough.
He'd laughed at first when he head it. He'd been crazy in love with Sirius and Happy and couldn't understand how that could even be possible. But now he was beginning to understand he was beginning to see it was possible.
He loved Sirius and he wasn't going to run from that but he also knew that now he didn't know if he could trust him and he certainly didn't think he could be around him so maybe it was best if they weren't together.
Sometimes love just really isn't enough and Remus didn't think he would survive but he knew that he had to do it. He had to leave the best thing that had ever happened to him even though he knew he'd never really recover it was for the best.
If he couldn't trust his mate no matter how much he loved him then it had to end. Remus could see no other way. He stayed in the hospital longer than usual under Dumbledore's orders.
The old headmaster had come to see him and explained everything that Snape had been sworn to silence and would say nothing unless he wanted to be expelled from school. Remus wasn't in trouble and could continue his studies but Dumbledore thought it would be better if Remus recovered and returned to classes the following Monday.
James came alone and talked to Remus about everything that was going on in school and the pranks they had pulled everything but what had happened. Remus knew James wasn't sure how Remus wanted to handle the situation and so until Remus made a move James simply wasn't acknowledging it.
Remus was thankful but he also knew that he couldn't pretend it hadn't happened because things between he and Sirius would never be the same. He could feel Sirius constantly at the back of his mind but he refused to let him in and he knew that hurt Sirius more than anything else could.
He didn't want to hurt him, at least the wolf inside him didn't want to hurt its mate but Remus wanted to hurt Sirius badly. It was justice. He wanted Sirius to hurt as much as he was hurting and he knew that wasn't humanly possible but he wanted it. He wanted it so much.
Tell you that's the way I wanna be and all the nights we shared together baby well they don't mean a thing…
Monday came and saw Remus out of the hospital wing and back in classes he also discovered he was the talk of the school though not for the reason he had dreaded. It appeared that the Marauder bust up had not gone unnoticed by the rest of the school and by default Remus found himself the talk of the school though none of the Marauders would answer any questions about what had happened.
Even Peter who usually lacked the courage to stand up to Sirius found himself snapping at the brunette for hurting Remus. He might love James more but he respected Remus and admired his courage to face his Change. They were friends after all.
Remus had tried talking James and Peter into talking to Sirius because even if he wasn't talking to him didn't mean the others should but both thought he had deserved it. The rip in the Marauders had an effect in some way or another on the whole school some thought for the better and others thought for the worst.
The Slytherins were recovering nicely since the might of the Marauders were not on top of them anymore but the rest of the school was missing their entertainment value. But the Marauders didn't care. Their greatest assest, their greatest treasure, their friendship had disappeared. Remus knew it wouldn't last because sooner or later James and Peter would have to give. Sirius had hurt him not them and it wasn't fair that they were punishing him.
Remus stopped himself mid thought. There he was again protecting Sirius even after everything that Sirius had done. But deep down in his heart Remus knew he couldn't help it. They were Mates and the wolf was calling for his mate. It was getting harder and harder to stay away from Sirius though Remus refused to be the one to make the first move this time he simply refused to be.
And even with the moon's hold still so close and so strong on him the wolf could not get Remus to do his bidding. In classes Remus hardly spoke to anyone doing the minimal in his classes and leaving before anyone could catch up with him.
He didn't want to be around people and he knew he was being stupid, he had friends that were worried about him but he couldn't bring himself to care. He also knew he wasn't being himself. He wasn't acting as he himself would he wasn't the course, uncaring person he found staring back at him in the mirror but he couldn't think of away to bring back the boy he knew before the full moon.
Oh baby since you left me you night think that my world's been torn apart but if you see me baby you'll see that nothing's broken…nothing's broken but my heart.
Remus was tried of hurting it hurt so much he couldn't explain. Two weeks after the full moon Remus had been in the shower and was drying himself when he doubled over in pain. Remus, accustomed to pain breathed deeply and stood quietly until it passed. When he looked in the mirror again he groaned.
His heart was bleeding. He had heard that sometimes happened. When Mates were separated. He shook his head, well that was a new one dying because he was rejecting the Bond. Oh well, it couldn't be anymore painful than the pain he was in at that moment.
He'd read up on bonds when he'd agreed to go through this with Sirius, and to give Sirius his due so had he. But Remus had hidden the part from Sirius about how if the wolf decided to reject the bond then he could die.
Yet another way he was protecting his Mate. The one he loved most in the world. He couldn't help it. He wanted to hate Sirius, he really did and he guessed he had for a while, if you could say that two weeks were a while. But he knew in his heart the hate was slowly ebbing away into pain. And really he knew that was worse. He had fallen into intense, mind numbing pain.
Pain because he was dying. And he knew it. He was dying because the bond between he and Sirius was dying but he would let no one know that.
He would carry on as if nothing had happened. It was just another secret to keep and if nothing else Remus was good at keeping secrets. It was how he survived. It was how he hid the fact he was a monster. A monster hiding as a human.
He shook his head and hurried to get ready flying straight into Sirius as he flew through the portrait hole to get to breakfast.
Remus was so shocked he took a step back and momentarily forgot that he was meant to be avoiding the dark haired youth. "Hey Remus." Sirius said in a strained tone.
Remus went to walk past him when Sirius stopped him. "Remus give me one minute please?" Remus just stared at him. He hadn't really realised how gaunt Sirius looked but he said nothing because he knew if he did he could not be responsible for his actions.
"Why should I give you anything Sirius?" Remus demanded. "I gave you everything and you took it away! And for what? So you could get ahead of Snape in your games?" Remus drew a breath and shook his head why was he even bothering?
"It wasn't like that!" Sirius said quietly. "I… I don't know how to explain. He wasn't meant to take me seriously, it wasn't meant to affect you!" Remus stared at his wayward Mate. "How could you think it wouldn't?" Remus demanded astonished. "Anything you did while I was a werewolf would affect me Sirius? Did you honestly think that I was that different to the wolf that I wouldn't care?"
Remus shook his head he wasn't going to argue about this now. He couldn't it hurt too much to argue. His heart was hurting and he needed to get away. "Look Sirius I don't want to talk about it. Get out my face. I don't want to see you and I definitely don't need you!" With that he pushed off past Sirius and headed for the one place he felt safe.
The Library.
So if you think that I still need you now baby I don't think about you I'm happy now without you
Sirius watched his Mate go and felt his heart break all over again. He felt as if his heart had been torn in two. He felt pain deep inside his heart and looked down cursing. His heart was bleeding. Again.
He sighed and went to clean up. He knew that could only mean one thing. Remus was breaking the bond. He knew Remus thought he didn't know about it but he did. He knew he deserved it he hadn't proved to be the Mate Remus deserved but damn it, he loved Remus! Sirius loved him with all his heart.
Now he had to find away to prove it. He knew he was setting himself an almost impossible task but for his Mate he'd dare to do the impossible he would not let Remus go through with this stupid plan, he wouldn't let Remus kill himself over Sirius.
Sirius knew he wasn't worth that and what was more Remus deserved to have a life, to live and even if Sirius couldn't share that life with him he was determined that Remus would live the life he always should have had.
Sirius was willing to walk away if that was truly what Remus wanted as long as Remus survived. Sirius had suddenly realised what it was to love someone and he truly loved Remus more than anyone else, more than himself.
He just hadn't truly realised how much until it was too late. Now he realised that he had done too little too late and he wondered if Remus would ever forgive him although he could understand it if Remus was ready to tell him to go to hell. But he couldn't let that happen if it meant that Remus was going to get hurt he was starting to realise that that was what it was to love someone.
OH
To love someone that much you put that someone first before anything else and the whole world be damned if they didn't like it. Sirius stood staring out the window after he'd managed to pull a hoody over his bloody shirt. He knew he should have changed it but he couldn't find the energy. He stood wondering what he could do when James appeared at his shoulder.
"You've done some shit things in your life Padfoot but this, this takes the crown." Sirius gulped. "I know." He said quietly. He looked at James. "I know I screwed up James. I know but I need to know if we're okay. I need my friends right now. He lifted his hoody up and showed James his stained shirt.
James' eyes went wide. "Oh bloody hell." He whispered.
Sirius nodded. He'd conned James into looking into bonds with him they both knew what it meant. "I know I didn't have a good way of showing it, and I never told him enough, but I do love him and I'd die to prove it. I'm sorry I screwed everything up. But now there are more important things. I need to get Remus to stop rejecting the bond nothing else matters now."
James pulled him into a tight hug. A hug that spoke of brothers that had been through hell and would withstand it.
"I know you're sorry now we just have to find away to get Remus to believe you." Sirius looked at James and smiled, the first true smile he'd smiled since the whole thing began. "Brothers forever James." He said quietly.
"Always." James said clasping his arm. "Come on we have to get you cleaned up."
Baby since you left me you might think that my world's been torn apart but if you see me baby you'll see that nothing's broken…nothing's broken but my heart.
Nothing broken nothing but my heart
The next few weeks were strained but the Marauders still reigned true. Over the next few weeks Remus found he could bare being in the same room as Sirius though he still refused to talk to him.
The castle wondered if the Marauders would ever been the same since their friendship was what made them so powerful. But soon it was like nothing had changed.
Sirius and Remus fell into a routine of smiles and plans with Peter and James who acted like go betweens though the flow was never really distracted despite the two Mates not talking though James knew they both wanted too.
But he also knew Remus' way of thinking he'd be a shit best friend if he didn't. Remus didn't just want to forgive Sirius, although as the days went by James could see he had, because Remus knew Sirius would never learn. He saw the way Remus looked at Sirius and saw how his eyes burned when Sirius got attention from both boys and girls wanting to know whether he was single.
But he also saw the way Sirius acted when Remus got attention because despite what Remus though he had quite the little fan club. And James knew quite a few people who would have happily fell into bed with Remus if he had asked. Whenever Remus got that kind of attention Sirius looked ready to fly off the handle though he controlled himself enough not too.
James shook his head at their antics. He had always known it would be shit if they broke up and it was. Now he needed to get the two idiots together again before they did something stupid.
In those weeks of peace and calm despite the dramatics from the parties involved Remus suffered through another Change. For the first time since they had become Animagi Sirius was banned to the Tower for the night while Peter and James went to help their friend.
He didn't even try to sleep and paced the common room for most of the night waiting for the boys to come back and give him an update. He missed being with Remus, he missed that he knew he could make the young werewolf feel better when he was in the middle of a change.
Sirius had always took that side of the bond seriously even if he was shit at everything else, of course that was the side of things that Remus rarely remembered and Sirius would never remind him because it wasn't enough to justify getting Remus to forgive him.
He knew the moment that Remus transformed he could feel his Mate's pain through the abused bond. Sirius thought he would die as he felt Remus tearing himself in half.
As he paced the common room he made a conscience decision to make sure Remus survived the broken bond and that he survived the worsening Changes Sirius didn't care what it took he'd do it.
For his Mate.
Early the next morning as dawn broke Sirius paused in his pacing to see the boys come through the portrait hole. Sirius was on them before they had even finished climbing through.
"Well?" He demanded angrily. "How is he? How was his Change? Were you with him? You didn't leave him did you?" "Whoa," Peter said quietly. Since the fall out Peter had managed to grow some sort of backbone and stood up to Sirius, something Sirius never thought he'd see in a million years. Maybe yet another thing to good thing to come out of all of this.
"Wait a minute Padfoot." Peter said. "We'll tell you everything just give us a minute." "I don't want to wait a minute." Sirius snapped. "I've already waited all night." "Then you'll have to wait a few minutes longer." James snapped.
BABY
Sirius grabbed James' arm. "Prongs I would if I could but this is the first time I've ever not been with him when he transformed. I felt all his pain. I know something was different you didn't leave him did you?"
Sirius' frantic questions stopped James cold. James stared at Sirius and realised how pale and gaunt he looked. He thought about it and felt the colour drain from his face. Now he understood Sirius' panic.
The Bond.
Though it was dying it was still strong. Strong enough to feel everything and because Sirius had not been with him it had left him unsure of how his wayward bond mate had managed through the transformation. Sirius, of course knew that this was his fault but at that moment he didn't care.
He needed to know that Remus was alright nothing else mattered. James looked at Sirius and pulled him into a hug. "No we didn't leave him but we couldn't stop him hurting himself Sirius. He's a mess."
Sirius closed his eyes. "This is all my fault." "Yeah, it is." Peter said. Sirius looked at Peter but didn't bother to argue. It was true. This was all his fault. But he didn't have time to debate the matter. He was more concerned about Remus and what had happened out there.
"Look just tell me what happened and while he won't let me near him maybe I can tell you what to do so that you can help him." "That was always your job." James said quietly.
James remembered how Sirius had always managed to stop Remus tearing himself apart and in the aftermath of the moon keep him calm. Remembering this James realised how much Sirius truly loved Remus. He looked at Sirius and Sirius smiled. "Yeah but that was always the part he never remembered."
"The most important part." Peter said catching on. Sirius shrugged. "I was always the best at being his Mate when he couldn't see me." James shook his head. "Why?" Sirius looked at him. "Because a Black should never show emotion. I may hate my family but there are some things you just can't forget. So I showed him, when he could never see me. Never see me but I loved him anyway I still do."
Sirius pulled a hand through his hair. "But now that doesn't matter. All that matters us that you do what I say."
James and Peter looked at their friend shell shocked they hadn't realised Sirius actually understood Remus better than any of them ever could. "When he comes out of the hospital wing stick beside him the wolf is still within him and though he never says anything he worries he'll attack someone."
James gaped. "He does? He never said." Sirius smiled bitterly. "You'd be surprised what he doesn't say. I've perfected Remus' language of saying one thing and meaning another."
James and Peter frowned but did as Sirius asked and their routine remained the same for a few weeks after that with James and Peter carefully shielding Remus and bringing him back out of his shell with Sirius' silent support and invisible advice.
You might think my world's been torn apart nothing's broken…nothing's broken but my heart.
Sirius sighed it had been three moons since he had made that horrific mistake but he was pleased to see that Remus was happy. James and Peter had managed to pull him out of his shell and they'd even spoken cordially once or twice which warmed his heart.
But he could see Remus was wearing thin and running out of time. He would not let Remus pay for his mistake but he couldn't work out how he was going to make sure Remus survived to see their seventh year. He barely spent time out the library and though he wasn't really doing homework the amount of research he was doing meant that his grades went up and the professors noticed his improvement as well as his change in mood. The Marauders once again ruled supreme but Sirius' heart just wasn't in it. He helped with the Map which was finished but they still hadn't finished perfecting their alter egos Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs on paper. He helped with the pranks but was rarely there to see them carried out.
He spent hours hidden behind large piles of books in the hope of finding an answer to a riddle there were few knew about.
James found his time was split between keeping Remus happy, who was happier than he had been in weeks and making sure Sirius left the library long enough to eat.
"Sirius you know if this keeps on Remus is going to realise you aren't eating and you aren't sleeping. You've lost weight and you look like shit." James said honestly. "James I don't care!" Sirius said pulling a hand through his hair. "I can't stand this anymore! Being in the library is better than being the common room with you and Peter. Remus he's flirting with you, he's leaning on you. He's mine. That's my job and he's leaning on you."
James blushed and looked down at the floor. Sirius looked up at him. "You have a crush on Remus don't you?" "I didn't mean for it to happen." James said quietly. "I mean I did everything you told me to and I started to understand him better. I mean I love Lily but Remus has wormed in my heart and now he won't get out." Despite what James had just told him Sirius had to smile.
That was Remus all right. Under your skin and in your hear before you could even blink. "Look I don't blame you but excuse me for wanting to miss it." James shook his head. "You still need to eat." "I'll eat when I have time." Sirius said before turning back to his books. James almost give up but he knew that if he didn't care no one would. After all Moony was too busy rejecting the bond to know there was something wrong with his wayward Mate.
Baby since you left me you might think that my world's been torn apart baby you'll see that nothing broken nothing broken but my heart
James found himself constantly hounding Sirius over the next week but nothing seemed to work. Though he realised that Sirius was right, Remus did lean on him and it pushed James' crush out into the open even though he knew he wanted to be with Lily and even if that hadn't worked he would never, could never do that to Sirius.
James looked down the table and realised Sirius was missing again and sighed. Only this time he realised he wasn't the only one looking. Remus was discreetly looking down the table and when he looked at looked up he asked James, "Where's Sirius?"
James knew where he would be but he couldn't tell Remus that Sirius had forbid him from doing so, so he lied. "Probably in the dorm finishing off last minute homework." Remus raised an eyebrow. "At the expense of breakfast. Wow I'm impressed."
James and Peter exchanged a look they weren't going to say anything when Frank Longbottom chipped in the conversation. "Your kidding right? I don't know what's got into Sirius lately all he seems to be doing is studying. He spends almost as much time as you in the library now Remus."
Remus looked startled and looked at James. James rolled his eyes. He wished Remus would stop rejecting the bond long enough to see what danger he was putting himself and Sirius in but of course that was too much to ask. "I'll go and see what's keeping him." James said quietly
He looked at Peter and Peter nodded silently promising to keep Remus company and keep him distracted.
James stopped dead when he entered the dorm and found Sirius pouring over a book and muttering an incantation under his breath. "Sirius?" James asked quietly. "What are you doing?" Sirius didn't even look up just kept turning pages, muttering and scribbling on a scrap piece of parchment.
James was about to ask his friend again when Sirius suddenly stopped and the brightest smile James had seen since his and Remus' break up graced his features. "Got it!" He said triumphantly. He stood up and looked at James.
"I've done it Prongs!" His smile was truly brilliant. "Done what?" James asked. "I've found a spell to save Moony!" He said waving the paper around like a maniac. "Sirius that's impossible we both read up on the bonds." James said softly.
"Yes but I've found a way." James stared and then rushed and grabbed the parchment off Sirius. "Are you sure?" "Of course I'm sure!" Sirius said scandalised. "I may piss around but this is Remus' life. I can't fuck this up!"
"I won't fuck this up!" There was a fire in Sirius' eyes that James had never seen before. He looked down at the parchment and read the spell. "How will this help Remus?" He asked.
"It's designed to make me take the brunt of the bond." Sirius said his eyes shining. "It'll make me the holder of the bond instead of Remus." James looked up sharply. "So you'll control the bond? Is that how you plan to stop it?"
Sirius looked down. "It won't stop it. To stop it Remus would have to stop rejecting me and that's never gonna happen but this will save his life." James looked up sharply from the parchment and then down again. Suddenly he understood.
He understood too well and wished he didn't. "No." He said firmly. "I won't let you do it. No. You will not give your life for Remus!"
Nothing broken nothing but my heart
James and Sirius stared at each other in silence until Sirius said, "I'll do what it takes James and if this is what it takes then I'll do that. I did not save him only to have him die again!"
James suddenly picked up on that last sentence. "What do me you mean again?" Sirius looked away. "It doesn't matter you just have to know that I can't, won't screw this up again. I won't!" James watched as his best friend started to get agitated all over again and his heart ached for now much Sirius had truly changed since this stupid thing had started all that time ago. Sirius, if it was possible went even paler than his complexion had become. "It doesn't matter James." He said looking at the floor. "I think it bloody well does!" James said hotly.
"Sirius I love Remus but you're my brother don't make me choose between you. Please. Don't do this." James had never been a person to cry but he felt hot tears slide down his face at the thought of losing Sirius it was more than he could bare.
"Sirius please don't make me choose. I can't lose either of you. But I won't loose you because you refused to listen to me!"
"And I can't loose Remus because he wouldn't let me explain. What I did was wrong and I know that but it was better than the alternative!" "What was the alternative?" James asked softly. He needed to know. He had to understand. He had to understand why Sirius had done what he had done and why it had drove him to such lengths to fix it. They all loved Remus and Sirius more than anyone but this was killing him.
"It doesn't matter." Sirius said softly. "Just know that I had to do it." "No Sirius!" James yelled cuffing tears from his eyes. "You love Remus every idiot can see that why the fuck did you have to go and screw it up!"
"He was going to hurt him!" Sirius exploded. James stared. "What?" He asked softly. Sirius was pacing now.
"Snape." "He was going to hurt Remus. Thought he was going to kill him."
You might think that my world's been torn apart but nothing broken but my heart baby you'll see that nothing's broken…nothing's broken but my heart.
Silence followed Sirius' admission. James couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. "WHAT?" He screamed as the words finally penetrated his brain.
Sirius shook his head. "You know Snape has always had a thing for Remus." James could almost see Sirius forcing the words from his mouth. "He's wanted Remus for years. He asked Remus out last year but Remus had already Mated with me. Snape didn't take kindly to being turned down."
Sirius shook his head. Snape started to trying to find out who Remus was dating and I know from personal experience he didn't take kindly to finding out it was me." James frowned but then he realised. "That fight you got into with the Sytherins and you cursed Snape, Malfoy and Bellatrix to oblivion that was about Remus?"
Sirius nodded. "Yeah, if you remember I didn't really come out on top of that particular fight." James winced as he remembered Sirius had spent three days in the hospital wing and the Marauders had gone into overdrive as revenge following the attack.
"What happened the night Snape ended up seeing Remus transform Sirius?" At that moment the dorm room opened and Peter came in. "Remus wants to know what's keeping you." Peter said quietly. He wants me to make sure Sirius eats something."
Sirius shook his head. James looked at Peter. "Close the door Peter I think you need to hear this too." Peter looked for a moment but did as asked passing Sirius a couple pieces of toast before standing with James.
"Thanks." Sirius said sincerely. Peter offered him a smile. "What happened?" James said more forcefully.
Sirius sighed. "I was on my way to meet you all when Snape cornered me. Told me he knew what I'd done. Knew how to get rid of the enchantments I'd put on his Mate. He started to tell me all the curses he'd learned recently. Sirius swallowed.
"I know Re can take care of himself, he always does, but I know first hand how good Snape is at that stupid severing curse. I was in pain for weeks. He said he was going to use it on Re. I just lost it."
There were tears running down Sirius' face now. "I lost it. The thought of Remus hurt because of me. I couldn't deal with it I dived at Snape and I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill him and I didn't care how I did it." Sirius' eyes were burning now and James knew in that moment that Sirius would do it all over again if it meant saving Remus the pain.
"I told him that Remus was stronger than he would ever be and if he needed proof he should go under the tree." Snape told me that he intended to. Remus was going to be his otherwise he'd die. I laughed at him. There was hardly any chance he was going to kill a fully fledged werewolf. I'd have stopped him before he got to the passage, I meant to but something went wrong with Remus, I know he was ill that night. I panicked. I ran to you because I needed to get to Re. I left Snape at the mouth in the rush to get to Moony." He pulled a hand through his hair. "I got to you and you know the rest."
Peter and James' jaws were on the floor and after five agonisingly long minutes James punched Sirius Hard in the chest. "You stupid bastard!" James snarled. Peter had started calling Sirius all the names he could think of. "All this time you saved Remus and you had us thinking you'd done it for a prank!" Peter said swearing at Sirius for good measure.
"You need to tell him Sirius." Peter said. "He needs to know. He's tearing himself apart because I know he knows you love him." Sirius shook his head. "It's too late for that. I'm not going to justify something to him that was wrong in the first place."
"Sirius please don't use that spell." James pleaded.
"What spell?" Peter asked.
James quickly give Peter the rundown and Peter turned paler with each word. "No. Sirius you can't. There has to be another way."
Seeing his chance James jumped into the fray and together he and Peter wore Sirius down until Sirius' shoulders slumped. James could see the fire burning in his eyes but he also knew the fight was leaving him.
"Fine. But if Remus doesn't stop rejecting the bond it might be the only option we have left." James nodded accepting the defeat. Now all he had to do was get the stupid bastards back together again and everything would be fine.
Easier said than done but he wouldn't give up. Nothing was impossible after all.
Nothing broken nothing but my heart
Remus sat in transfiguration waiting for his friends to appear. Where the hell was Sirius? Now he thought about it Frank was right about Sirius, his grades had sky rocketed and he seemed distant. He had missed loads of mealtimes and he did seem to sneak away a lot. What the hell was he up to?
As Remus thought of his wayward Mate he felt pain like he hadn't experienced for a while and he knew it wasn't his.
He breathed deeply and reached for Sirius through the Bond and felt love engulf him. In his heart he knew Sirius was sorry now all he had to do was try and get the stupid bastard to talk to him. He had to know why. He couldn't just let this slide.
At that moment James, Peter and Sirius came in. Remus stared at Sirius he looked like death warmed up. He almost snarled when he realised James had his hand on the small of Sirius' back. Sirius was his!
Remus started he hadn't felt that possessive streak in himself for months but he should have known better than to think it would have disappeared. Sirius was his. They were Mates and Remus found himself shocked to hell to realise he wanted Sirius back.
Sirius looked up at him briefly and smiled slightly but Remus couldn't help realise how ill he was before James sat him down two desks in front of Remus and Peter came and sat next to Remus but said nothing about what had took them so long and Remus realised that was because he had never asked before.
Remus spent the whole lesson watching James and Sirius. Sirius was scribbling notes onto parchment as quickly as McGonagall was speaking and James spent his time between watching Sirius, watching Lily and sharing looks with Peter.
"What's wrong with James?" Remus asked his eyes fixed on James' back especially when he slung his arms around Sirius and bent his head to speak in his ear. "Sirius isn't well Remus." Peter said quietly. "He really misses you. And he's really sorry and its tearing him up because he can't think of what to say that would make you believe him."
Remus felt his heartbreak and knew he really needed to speak to Sirius but he found over the next couple of days that was more difficult than he anticipated, Sirius seemed to have perfected the art of disappearing and Remus never had chance to speak to him.
Three days before the fourth full moon since the incident things changed. Remus was going into the Library when he heard voices. Arguing voices.
"Go near him Snivellius and I'll kill you." Remus immediately recognised the voice as Sirius'. "Always the brave Gryffindor." The second voice was Snape's.
"I wonder if I can make him come to me." Snape Smirked his wand out and circling Sirius. "Do it and you won't ever walk again." Sirius snarled. His wand pointing steadily at Snape's chest. "Does he know Black?" Severus smiled. "Does he know that you saved his life that night?" "Does he know?"
Know what? Remus wondered. Does who know what? But Sirius obviously understood because he answered.
"It doesn't matter." Sirius snarled. "What matters is if you try it again I will kill you. And damn anything happens to me afterwards." Remus edged forward needing to know what they were talking about. "So he doesn't know. Figures. Noble Gryffindor and all that."
Remus edged further found the corner pleased that they were hidden in the depths of the library and Remus had plenty of shelves to hide behind. "You know I'll get to him eventually Black. I mean look at you, you're a mess. You couldn't save his life now even if you wanted too. I can take him right out from under you."
"You try and touch Remus again," Sirius snarled "And this time the full moon will be least of your problems." Snape laughed. "You think I didn't know what he was before? I've watched Remus for years. I worked it before. It was kind of funny how you tired so hard to keep me away from the entrance. I mean like I'd try and hurt a six foot werewolf I'm not an idiot."
Sirius obviously didn't agree with this statement. "Yet you'd try and hurt Remus. It's the same thing and I'd do the same all over again to keep you away from him. I'm warning you Snape stay the fuck away from Remus if you know what's good for you."
Snape laughed again and Remus felt his wolf half coming close to the surface someone was threatening his Mate. "And how do you expect to stop me?" Lupin won't let you anywhere near him. Funny really considering you not only saved his life you talk him through his changes. Tell me how can that happen when you aren't allowed near him?"
Remus watched Sirius and there was a fire in his eyes. "I have my ways the same as I will know if you make a pass at him, if you ever try and hurt him again I will know and not even your little gang of Death Eaters will protect you if that happens."
At that moment Snape raised his wand but Sirius got there first and cursed Snape with ease before disappearing deeper into the library without a backward glance. Remus sagged against the bookcase.
That was why Sirius had let see Snape see him? He'd been trying to keep Snape away from him? But that didn't make any sense. But damn it, it was going to make sense and he set off in search of the two people who knew the truth and hadn't told him.
You know I loved you
Remus found James and Peter coming back into the school after Quidditch Practice he grabbed James' arm and pulled him into a deserted classroom making sure Peter was following.
He closed the door and glared at them. "All this time he saved my life and you two let me think that he had done it as a prank!" He screamed. James and Peter's face drained of colour. "Why didn't you tell me?" He demanded. "How did you find out?" Peter whispered. "It doesn't matter how I found out the point is you didn't tell me!"
"We only just found out." James said getting in Remus' face. "Sirius wouldn't tell us but he was in such a state the other day he let it slip. How can you have not noticed that this is hurting him as much as it hurts you?" James asked.
James shook his head. "This has gone to far Remus. It's up to you to fix it. We all know you still love him. You know he'ssorry but he's not going to come and tell you that because he knows you won't believe him."
James pulled a hand through his unruly hair. "Come on we better go and get something to eat."
The next day they were sat in Potions and Sirius came in late and Remus realised how ill he looked. Sirius took his seat beside James and Remus moved so he was sat on Sirius' other side. James looked at him and nodded he was obviously pleased with this choice. Sirius looked up and looked shocked to see Remus sat there before he smiled at Remus and Remus felt his heart flip over.
They started planning a prank and Remus joined in pleased to see that Sirius was taking a more active part. Professor Slughorn gave all four of them detention for blowing up the Sytherin Cauldrons but as usual the Marauders didn't care.
The Gryffindors cheered until the dungeons shook and Slughorn had to put most of them in detention to shut them up. Remus looked up and realised that even Lily was laughing and she winked at James something he returned with a smile. Sirius laughed and imitated it with earned him a cuff over the head from James.
They were about half way through the lesson, as it was a double, when Remus doubled over with pain and he heard James scream. He looked up as the pain cleared and he could look through tear-clouded eyes to realise that Sirius had collapsed.
Remus pushed himself upright and staggered over to where James and Peter where trying to get Sirius to wake up. Professor Slughorn pushed through the crowd of people and looked at James. "Potter get him to the Hospital Wing now." James nodded and Professor Slughorn produced a stretcher and James left.
Remus couldn't concentrate and he and Peter in a bid to get thrown out caused the amount of havoc that only the marauders can. In the end Professor Slughorn after an hour of antics threw them out and told them to go to the hospital wing. They didn't need telling twice.
You know I loved you
"Sirius!" Remus yelled crashing head first into the Hospital Wing Madam Promfrey looked up sharply but relaxed when she realised it was Remus. "How is he?" James demanded. "Weak. Dying." Madam pomfrey said softly. Remus' eyes went wide. "No!" Madam Pomfrey pulled him aside. "Honey you know that you will die if he does?" "He won't." James said quietly. "I know what Sirius did."
Remus and the nurse spun round. "James?" Remus asked quietly. James started pacing his eyes glistening with tears. "I thought I'd talked him out of it but I guessed he loved you too much to let you die because you'd rejected the Bond." Peter gasped. "No! He promised he wouldn't!" James looked at Peter "He has though. I know he has."
Remus however was shocked into silence. "You know of Bonds?" "Only because Sirius researched them for weeks before saying yes to the Bond. He wanted to make sure he would never be a weakness to you." James looked up into the amber eyes of his friend. "He knew everything about werewolves, everything there ever was to know and he knew everything there was to know about Bonds. He knew what you were doing after Snape so he tried to find away to take the brunt of the Bond and turn it round. He was the reason you never hurt yourself when you transformed Remus not us. Him."
James pulled a hand through his hair. "We'd have never survived these last few moons without him if he hadn't told us what to do. He's been doing his job through us." Remus just stared. He knew there had been something wrong with Moony but he could never think it through. Moony obviously missed Padfoot.
"James," Madam Pomfrey said urgently I need you to tell me what Sirius did. What spell he cast." James nodded. "I'll be right back." James sped from the Wing pulling Peter with him. They came back ten minutes later clutching a piece of paper.
The nurse read through the incantation and her eyes were wide. "This is seriously advanced magic." She stared at James as if she couldn't believe her eyes. James laughed. "Just because he didn't act like it didn't mean he didn't know his stuff. His grades have gone through the roof in the last few months because he was researching this.
"Can I see it?" Remus asked. "You don't need to see it Remus." James said. "I can tell you what he's done. He's turned your Bond round. So while the Bond is rejected by you both he will die not you."
Remus' eyes went wide. "That's not possible!" James suddenly snapped and grabbed Remus and spun him round. "It's not possible!" He screamed. "Remus, Sirius is dying! Dying!" Remus looked at Sirius laying on the bed. He felt all his love for Sirius well into his heart. All his love and all his anger. Sirius would not leave him. Remus hadn't yelled yet! "Not if I have anything to say about it he isn't!" he snarled.
"The stupid prat is not going to leave me!" He pulled a chair up beside his unconscious Mate and started to talk to him. The boys and Madam Pomfery watched for a moment before the nurse told them to leave and she'd send for them when the time was right although she took pity on them and gave them a pass to get out of classes.
Remus didn't even realise the boys had gone he was too intent on the boy in front of him. Sirius looked so ill. Remus ran a hand through Sirius' hair gently. "Come on Sirius I know you don't want to leave me. I can't let you leave me. You're an idiot but you're my idiot and I love you, don't leave me."
He felt Sirius squeeze his hand. "I love you too Moony." He whispered. Remus felt elation like he hadn't felt in months flood him. "Sirius if you love me you can't leave me." Remus felt tears slipping down his face. I know about Snape. Don't let him win. I love you." But he knew Sirius was too far gone to hear him. "Sirius…" He whispered.
Remus felt something happen inside him then, the pain inside him seemed to die away and he felt the bond shit back into place. He looked down at his shirt and his heart was bleeding. "Sirius don't leave me!" Remus pleased leaning over and placing a chaste kiss on Sirius' mouth.
You know I loved you
Remus climbed on the bed and laid his head on Sirius' chest. "Sirius please." He whispered his tears breaking free. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen." He looked up briefly as Madam Pomfery pulled the curtains around the bed but then his attention turned to the boy in front of him.
Remus put his head on Sirius' chest revelling in being near his Mate again. He knew that if Sirius didn't survive despite the bond being turned around he wouldn't survive. He might have been pissed at Sirius but he had never stopped loving him.
Remus didn't know how long he laid there and quite frankly he didn't care but suddenly he felt arms in case him and he looked up to see Sirius blinking. "Sirius!" He gasped happily.
"Re?" Sirius asked his voice horse. "You stupid prat!" Remus said ducking down and kissing Sirius. "You idiot. How could you not tell me?" Remus couldn't keep from touching his Mate, he had to make sure he was still here. Alive. With him.
At that moment the curtain was pulled back and Madam Pomfery was stood there. "Remus I need you to leave. I need to make sure he's okay." Remus was about to argue but the look on the nurse's face had him doing as he was told.
Remus staggered from behind the curtain and out of the hospital wing. He didn't bother trying to go to classes he staggered through the portrait hole and collapsed into James and Peter who were sat in the chairs.
He grasped James round his shoulders. "Remus?" James asked. Remus didn't answer, he couldn't. He had thought Sirius was getting better… James put his arms around him and Remus couldn't hold the tears back anymore. He started to cry big hacking sobs.
"Remus… Moony come on…" James' voice was getting a frantic edge to it now. "Talk to us you're scaring us." But Remus couldn't form the words it hurt too much. How could he have thought Remus would have done it on purpose? How could Sirius think to leave? Everything was such a mess.
"He's dying James. He didn't listen. He wouldn't come back. I tried so hard but he wouldn't listen." His voice was broken with tears and after he choked out the sentence he couldn't form anymore for tears.
James and Peter shared a helpless look and did the only thing they could think of. Helped Remus to their room." "I need to get back." Remus sobbed. "He needs me." "Let Madam Pomfery help him." Peter said "and let us help you."
After that it was like the fight had left Remus and he didn't protest, though James had the idea to let Remus stay in Sirius' bed and immediately Remus curled up round the pillow, it smelled so much like Sirius it hurt. He slipped into a fitful sleep that James and Peter were helpless to do anything about.
Remus knew he was dreaming he was running through the Forbidden Forest in search of something but couldn't quite grasp what he was looking for. He kept running seeing flashes in the trees but could never get a proper look at what he was searching for. He felt panic start to get in his heart. He needed to find him.
Him? His own thoughts stopped Remus cold but as he thought about it realised that it felt right. He was searching for someone. Searching for Him. A friend, brother, lover? Remus forced himself faster.
The surroundings changed around him into a world that had no colour, was neither black nor white simply grey. He knew his mark, his prize was moving swiftly through the trees heading for a bridge.
Remus propelled himself faster, he knew if the figure made it to the bridge there was no way back he would loose him. But he still couldn't see him! Where was he?
He saw a flash of black hair moving towards the bridge and Remus threw himself at the mark and suddenly he knew, he knew he couldn't let his friend, no more than that, his Mate step on that bridge.
Remus watched in horror as he took a step forward. He was almost on the bridge but Remus couldn't let him go. His name was ripped from his soul. Don't leave me! The wolf cried and Remus screamed a word. The only word that ever really mattered.
"SIRIUS!"
Nothing broken but my heart
"Sirius!" He yelled again. The figure stopped moving, foot in the air and turned. Sirius looked at Remus questioning. "Sirius stop come home. Turn round. Go home." Remus was whispering now. But he knew he didn't need to yell he knew Sirius was listening to every word.
"Turn around. Go home." Sirius looked at him and stepped down from the bridge and then the world seemed to ripple around them and Remus found himself falling and then he was awake.
"Remus! Remus! It's us!" A voice yelled. Remus fought. He had to get out. He had to get to Sirius. He had to leave he had too… "REMUS!" A voice yelled. Remus turned his eyes wide and looked at James. "You had a nightmare." He whispered. "No." Remus whispered. "No. it was real. I… Sirius… No." He got out of bed.
"Remus." Peter got hold of his friend's arm. "You need to rest." He looked at James. "It's a good job Frank isn't here." James nodded in agreement. "Yeah it is." He said quietly.
"I don't care." Remus yelled pulling away from them. "Sirius… if he left me I'll kill him!"
He pulled on his robe and tore from the dorm he knew James and Peter were following but all that really mattered to him was getting to the Hospital Wing. He tore up the stairs and flew through the Wing door and right into Sirius who looked to have just got up.
Sirius' smell hit him like a wall and Remus wrapped his arms around the familiar shape. "You bastard!" He whispered into Sirius' collarbone. "You absolute bastard." "Moony." Sirius whispered pulling Remus closer.
Remus was just so happy Sirius was there. There with him. He'd lost all the anger he had had only days before. He couldn't believe what Sirius had tried to do. "Sirius what the hell where you thinking?" He demanded when he was able to pull away.
"It was better than the alternative!" Sirius said looking anywhere else but at Remus. Suddenly the anger came roaring back and Remus threw Sirius against the wall and pinned him there. Sirius squirmed but when Remus tightened his grip Sirius stopped moving.
"You nearly died!" Remus screamed at him. "How the hell was that a good solution? You nearly left me." "And you nearly left me!" Sirius screamed back at him. "What the hell makes you think that it would have been better for me?" He didn't wait for Remus to formulate a reply. "I couldn't let you die! What kind of Mate would I be if I let you do that?"
He looked down. "Especially when it was my fault." Remus looked at him. "I know about Snape. Don't keep something like that from me again." He moved forward and kissed Sirius on the mouth. Sirius melted into him and Remus let Sirius slid down the wall and wrapped his arms around him.
For the first time on months he felt complete. Remus knew they had issues to deal with but right now nothing else mattered but the fact that Sirius was alive, there with him and he could be with him again. Everything else could wait.
They had a broken bond to mend, broken hearts to mend. Everything else could wait.
Nothing broken but my heart