Chicken Scratch

Summary: Roy stared at the report that twelve year old child had turned in. It was nothing but chicken scratch and he knew he'd have to take the boy to task now. It was the third time and he couldn't afford this foolishness. [Parental!RoyXEd]

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Simple enough, yes?

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Roy Mustang, rank Colonel and known as the Flame Alchemist and the Hero of Ishval (though he hated that particular moniker), stared at the report Edward Elric had just turned in with disgust. It was nigh illegible. Scratched out half-formed letters crammed together in just three or so lines on the page and pretty much summarized into 'I came, I saw, and I left'. Or, at least, the few bits he could read came out like this.

"Are we done here?" asked the twelve-year-old honorary Major. That still made Roy ill. When he'd gone to Resembool, he'd not anticipated finding two children broken from an illegal human transmutation that they'd done in a bid to return their mother to them. He didn't know where the father was in all of this. The pure not-mention of him made Roy wonder if the man had ever been a part of their lives and if he was even alive. Still, finding two broken children in that farm town when he had expected to find alchemists in their thirties had not been something he'd expected. He'd not expected throwing out a heartfelt speech he'd thrown off on the cuff to wake them up. He'd not expected the amputee child to get back on his feet in just a year after grueling automail surgery and come demanding the military position that Roy had dangled. Honestly, he'd heard about how difficult rehabilitation was and the fact that the bold golden-haired preteen had been strong enough to complete the typical two to three year rehabilitation in one had been nothing short of astounding. To know that he had encouraged that kind of strength with a few words had certainly made him proud.

However…

"No, we are not," Roy said smoothly, frowning at the incomplete and sloppily done report. He had set his information network to keeping an eye on Edward and his brother (whom he still did not have much contact with due to protocol) and knew that this report did not come close to what he'd done. He looked up just in time to see Edward flare under the cool gaze of his superior officer. "Sit."

"I gave you the damn report!" burst out the aureate child. He'd been becoming steadily bolder in pushing the boundaries and Roy couldn't afford the continued disrespect.

"I said sit, Elric."

"I have better things to do!"

"That's an order, Fullmetal." It rattled in his ears, using that moniker. It was the deliberate yank of a chain tethered to a heavy, heavy stone. Proof that a child had been indentured to a service that he should never have been a part of. Unfortunately, it seemed to be the one thing that pulled the brat up short. The pugnacious blonde flopped into the chair, glaring daggers at the man behind the desk. "Sit up straight." This was discipline. The military was an organization of discipline. And this boy who had never been through basic training, had never touched the military prior to the fall of this very year, needed to learn or else he'd be eaten alive. The hesitance was clear in every line of the child's body, his willingness to spurn the order obvious. Slowly, Edward shifted to sit straight. No longer slumped, he looked a bit bigger and more like a scandalized child told to sit before the principal. Roy knew that look mostly because he'd been there a number of times at that age. "That's better." He shoved the report across the desk, glad that for the moment it was relatively neat. "Now, explain."

"That's my report."

"No, it is not a report." Instantly he could see Edward bucking him again and he scowled. Glancing up, he could see why this would be infinitely more difficult with the others there. No one wanted to be chastised or chewed out in front of others. It was also unprofessional and unkind. Still… He dropped his gaze back to the stiff preteen and continued, focusing solely on him. "This is chicken scratch. This is the third time you've put such foolishness before me. I explained to you the first time that it was not a suitable report but accepted it due to a lack of experience. I warned you the second time it was not acceptable. Do you remember what I did the second time?" That leery gaze told him all too well that Edward did remember. "Do you?" he pressed. The boy nodded with a churlish look on his face. Roy waited for an answer.

"Are we done here?" the boy asked after a few minutes.

"No."

"Why the hell not?!" The half-start from his seat had Roy barking out a sharp 'sit!' once more and Edward dropped fast. "The hell is wrong with you?!"

"You are to rewrite this report until it is both legible and includes all pertinent information," Roy commanded.

"You've got no right!"

"I am your commanding officer!" snapped the Colonel. It had incited a glare from Edward. "Do not think for one moment that just because you're a child makes you any different than any other person in this building. You answer to me and in turn I answer to General Grumman. He answers to Central Command and everyone answers to the Fuhrer. That isn't the only thing, though. This military is not just propelled by soldiers, either. It is propelled by paperwork." He glanced at an innocuous and quietly mocking pile of said paperwork on his desk. "A necessary evil." He flicked his gaze back to the boy who was looking increasingly irritable. "And one that you need to do."

"I don't see why," came the surly response. Roy resisted the urge to grind his teeth. Instead, he flicked his gaze at Hawkeye and silently commanded her to go when he met her gaze. Perhaps it was to his fortune she was watching him for she tilted her head, stood, attracted the attention of the other men in his command, and the lot of them left under her direct and silent preemptory command. Edward gave the retreated quintet a suspicious look over his shoulder before returning his gaze to Roy the moment the door latched shut. "What was that for?"

"I'm going to explain some things to you. Things I don't think you wish to have flaunted about to just anyone just yet." Edward's wariness only seemed to increase. "You chose to join the military. With that choice came duties, responsibilities, and expectations. Especially the expectations regarding filling out appropriate paperwork to ensure everyone is doing what they're supposed to."

"So?" shot back the mulish preteen.

"Stop deliberately fighting me, Fullmetal!" growled the Colonel, losing control of his temper slightly before slamming it back into an iron embrace. "You, of all people, know exactly how much you have at risk!"

"Yeah, one you've threatened!" Well, wasn't that the crux of the problem? Roy snorted.

"Is that the problem?" he demanded coolly. "Because I threatened to let your little secret out?"

"Who're you callin' so little no one would notice if there was a sign on his forehead declaring he had something to hide?!" Roy really had to resist pinching his nose. The boy had a temper and one that, apparently, could be triggered by the word 'little'. Admittedly, he was a bit small for his age but Roy was fairly certain he'd outgrow that. Either physically or emotionally. He didn't really give a damn either way at that moment.

"I said nothing of the sort, Fullmetal." Another jangling yank. Edward scowled at him. "And, as far as those words are concerned, you can be assigned anywhere in the military and not under me if that is the only reason you haven't run off for a transfer. Blackmail…" He paused over the nasty, ugly word though he didn't allow his features to twitch. "…has no boundaries or the like." The boy blanched and moved to stand. "Sit. I haven't dismissed you." He sat once more though by the look on his face he really had no desire to further linger. Roy considered him with an impassive gaze and a heavy heart. All that he'd done really was salt certain wounds and smack them with the chains now tethering the boy down. "That being said, I am your best bet at having a fairly easy military stint."

"What do you mean?" Edward demanded crossly though there wasn't as much heat in it. He knew he was over a barrel and was trying very hard to either wait for the opportune moment to escape or fight back, whichever came first. Or, at least, that was how Roy saw it.

"You have not been through basic training. I have essentially been forced to teach you military protocol." And that wasn't fun. "From saluting…" Which he'd made Edward do every time he came into the office for the slightest thing, gently poking at the boy to correct his stance and posture though it had come out somewhat mocking and deriding to get him into proper form though, thankfully, the Lieutenant had also helped in that endeavor. "…to marching…" And Edward had learned very carefully how to not march in time with the standard drumbeat that pounded Roy's mental ears every time he stepped through a military facility. Roy had to admit that by 'not-marching', Edward had indeed learned to march. His steps had been a little too deliberate a few times to be anything but. "…to standard military rules and regulations. To be certain, you are flaunting your lack of conformance and that can be forgiven to some degree both due to your position as only a State Alchemist and your youth. And by youth, I mean your lack of knowledge. It is my job to make sure that by the end of this year you have a full grasp of military policies. And a part of those policies revolve around you knowing how to write a report. I am not the only one forced to view these sad excuses. General Grumman is as well. I'm certain the Fuhrer has also taken a glance." Ed paled at that. "The last thing you wish is to lose the access you have, yes? So, you will rewrite the report until it meets my approval. And you will not leave until I say it is good enough."

"You don't…!" He halted mid-snarl and then sank in on himself.

"I do," pressed Roy, plucking up a pen and handing it to the boy. "And I think you understand exactly where I'm going with this." Edward gave him a long, careful look. Taking the pen, he grabbed the report and considered the bland cover before moving to a spare chair.

Roy watched the child for a long moment before also returning to work himself. Hopefully, if the others had gone to the mess hall, Hawkeye would bring back something to eat for him. If not, then he'd go later. Right now Edward had to be taught.

There was a churlish silence from the boy as he worked. It was tense in the room and he diligently tackled the pile of paperwork he had neglected in his lecture.

Ten minutes after he'd started, he got the report back. He took it, glancing with bland irritation at the preteen, before looking at it. He immediately handed it back. "Start on clean paper," he advised. "The sideboard there has some." He pointed. Edward stomped off, muttering darkly. There was a slam and Roy drolly offered, "Do not abuse the furniture. I don't need more paperwork on top of what I already have."

"Stupid bastard Colonel." He blinked at the audacity and looked up.

"That was a tiny bit rude, don't you think?" he drawled.

"What did you call me?!"

'Oh, you have got to be kidding me,' Roy realized. The boy had an issue with his height. Or, at least, his size. So, that expanded upon what he knew of Edward Elric. Reflexively, he filed it with the other observations he'd made about the preteen. At least in knowing this, he could further manipulate the boy into a better position. Certainly not an ideal one, but if he knew what buttons could be pushed and how those buttons set Edward off… Well, things would become a lot easier. So the thought of how diminutives set the preteen off was put next to his stubborn personality, his anti-authority attitude, his absolute devotion for his little brother, and his driving need to fix his mistakes. Still, it provided ample opportunity and he wondered if he could manipulate Edward into an 'I'll show you' type of attitude. "You heard me," he responded to the golden alchemist prodigy. "Your insult was a little bit… small. Weak." Edward sputtered. "If you're going to have the audacity to insult your superior officer, at least do me the favor of coming up with something either with more vehemence or originality. And also don't do it in front of any other military personnel. I rather doubt you'd like to be court marshaled for blatant disrespect." He dropped his gaze to his paperwork and continued working.

Thirty minutes later, he got a report on his desk again. It was longer, a bit more detailed, and the writing was a good deal more legible than the last time. Still… He tossed it back as the others came back from their enforced lunch break. Hawkeye, the dear woman, had been kind enough to bring a tray with her. Fuery carried another. Both trays were handed over to the two alchemists though Roy gestured to have his put on the sideboard. He'd eat it later. "Rewrite it. Legibly. Not everyone can read that chicken scratch."

Edward growled. Roy ignored him, moving on with his work.

It was a very sad contest of wills. One that Roy was determined to win. He'd never head-butted with his father like this. Mostly due to the fact his father had passed before puberty had ever been an issue and thus dominance shows were unnecessary. Oh, he'd butted heads with his father's sister, Aunt Chris, but that wasn't as big of a show as Edward had put on for Roy.

The thought made him pause. The tip of his pen stilled as he mulled that over. Edward, who never had a father figure as far as Roy could see, seemed to be challenging Roy much like Roy had challenged his aunt once upon a time. Slowly, the nib began to move again as he worked his way through the paperwork on his desk. Forms for the appropriation of materials for construction to a new office building. Approval of funds to a handful of mediocre alchemists meant more for the lab than the battlefield. Things like that… But his mind was on Edward's odd behavior.

Did this mean that perhaps subconsciously Edward Elric was looking at Roy Mustang as an authority figure? Perhaps not a father figure as the blatant not-mention of fathers was very visible. Maybe something closer to an uncle or even a step-father. If that was the case…

His thoughts must have occupied more time than he'd thought because Edward dropped the damnable folder on his desk again and barely missed Roy's pen. That meant, thankfully, no ugly marks across the page. Roy finished the notations and signed off the words before dating it. He then took up the folder, deliberately not looking at Edward because his thoughts troubled him, and considered the report. It was actually legible.

Reading it through, however, he noted that there were certain salient points missing. He considered said points. It was probably bad form to not mention the fact that Ed had gone out of his way to ignore certain mission parameters (primarily the fact he had deviated in order to help repair a few things even though his primary objective had been to deliver a parcel since 'you are conveniently going that way'). He'd also forsaken a few days in a library. Unsurprising but still undocumented. Still…

He held out the folder again. "At least put in there that you were actively trying to improve the public image of the State Alchemists," he told him. There was a peculiar look on Edward's face at that, one that Roy couldn't quite define, but he took it and huffed, sputtered, and offered a few other muttered choice descriptors.

Roy ignored him. Another ten minutes of scrawling, Edward again returned the paperwork. The Colonel took a gander and nodded in satisfaction. "Just remember to do that the next time," he noted. "It'll save both of us a lot of headaches." With a flourish, he signed off on the documentation and laid it aside to be properly filed.

"Hey, Mustang," Edward shot at him. Roy glanced up but didn't lift his head.

"And here I thought you couldn't wait to get out of here."

"There's something I wanted to ask."

"What?" When Edward didn't immediately respond, he looked up. "What, Fullmetal?" 'Fullmetal'. Not 'Edward' because it was far too personal. Not 'Elric' for it didn't seem to pull him up short properly. 'Fullmetal'. And it had a double meaning. A rattle of a chain and a reminder of a duty. It was far too heavy for a twelve year old boy to carry and Roy felt terrible for using it. Unfortunately, he had to use it. He saw that odd look in the preteen's face again but saw him just as easily stifle it.

"Can I start bringing Al in here?" The request was surprising and there was a hint of uncertainty to the words. Roy eyed him. He didn't see the harm in allowing Alphonse in. In fact, there was a common allowance of civilians so long there was an escort and non-military personnel were kept from certain places. However, it seemed Edward didn't know this and Roy wasn't about to allow such an opportunity go to waste. He could also sense those in the room keeping a careful ear on the exchange.

Roy returned his attention to the paperwork he had to do. "Keep your reports neat and containing all the necessary details." He scrawled his signature. "As long as you do this, I don't have a problem with him being within the compound so long as he remains in your company. You are authorized to be here. He is not."

With this permission, Edward grunted and turned on heel before leaving the office entirely. When the door shut, he looked up and met the eyes of Hawkeye. She looked considering and even a bit amused. Roy refrained from rolling his eyes… but also got the sense she knew what he was thinking.

Edward Elric was a handful.

Thinking back over the encounter, he smothered a smile and settled back to work. 'At least it won't be completely boring, what with that temper,' he mused.

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Author's Note: Edward Elric is not truly enlisted. He didn't go through boot camp. Everything he learned about the military came through his interactions with Mustang and his men. Thus, Edward Elric who thinks he can rebel against his commanding officer tries to get away with bad reports. Anyone, military or no, can tell you that sloppy reports equals a lot of problems up the line. Thus, 'Chicken Scratch'. Because Ed would do this. Because Mustang would get to the point he had to jump the boy's ass (if only to make it easier on himself later). And because this is Edward and Mustang, after the fight there would likely be an arrangement or deal struck. (And because Mustang does generally put himself in the position of sheltering the Elrics, Mustang winds up sounding like a parent.)

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