Author: Kei-chan Fushigu
Notes: No hints! In this fic, expect the unexpected ...
Relena's point of view (YIKES! In a fic from Kei-chan? Yes, I'm getting in touch with the Relena sympathizer within me. Scary thought, the Angel of Destruction sympathizing with Relena, ne?)
Get this. I am a passionate Relena basher, but I'm starting to feel sorry for her. Heck, in my last few storys I've made her a downright psychopath! Like, way more than she ever was in the series. I heard this song and one other one and immediatly thought of songfics. So, this is the first in a series of songfics. If you find a song that illustrates this relationship even better, tell me - I need a third to round off a trilogy.
Disclaimer : GundamW belongs to Bandai and other people who are much richer than me. The song 'Everything You Want' belongs to Vertical Horizon, and is copyrihted and created and prefomed by them (on a damn good CD, I might add). I own both commercial tapes of GundamW and CDs by Vertical Horizon, so I support both. Don't sue me, please! 'He Loves You Not' belongs to the band 'Dream', I think. Good song too! Oh, and I SUPPORT SUBTITLES. A proud member of 'SOST: Save Our Subtitles'. Proudly loyal otaku against SOS (Save Our Sailors, the crap site that supports the Sailormoon dub) and my sites are YAOI FULL. And even though I don't support hentai or have it on my site or even look at it, I'm also a member of Hentai FREE free. (because Hentai FREE is another crap organiztion) That pretty much covers it.
Watch for guest characters! First person to spot all of them (and name the serieses) gets a special present! A REAL special present!
NEW SITE: Flirting with Death: A 2x1 shrine. [http://envy.nu/2x1/] Currently under MAJOR construction.
Oh, and this isn't edited yet, so verb tenses and spelling and stuff is crap.
Enjoy!
- The Eternally Insane Kei-chan
'something' = thinking or quoting or stuff ...
/something/ = song lyrics
CAPITALS = emphasis
***********************************
******* Everything You Need *******
***********************************
I walk into a room. Everyone stands. Their speeches are trivial and commending, and I nod politely at their unending respect. Or is it adoration?
Inwardly I twist bitterly. They don't care about the real me. They don't give a shit about how I feel, what my art is really like, how pretty my dress is. I could be wearing a plastic bag and trash on my head and no one would give me so much as a strange look. What they love, what they need to be close to, is the power I represent.
I wish I could throw it all away. Burn it in that trash can where he puts his feelings, his emotions. We both have our reasons. The question is, do they make sense? When does a reason become an excuse? Is this desire of mine just a pitiful excuse to run from the horrible heratige to which I was born?
///Somewhere there's speaking///
I see someone still sitting down. A young man, long brown hair bound in a braid falling past his waist. His teeth are perfect, his deep blue eyes shine brightly. He is laughing at some unknown joke. I can see why the girls fall head-over-heels for this beautiful specimen. My heart, however, belongs to someone different.
He is recieving quite a few evil looks. Oh, my 'loyal' followers. As if you were really my friends. He is not showing respect for me? I know not whether to laugh or be angry. I settle for simple indifference and take my seat.
///It's already coming in///
Absent. My love is absent. His usual desk, sitting so close to my own, lies empty. It waits for him, calls for him, with the same voice as mine.
Perhaps it is only my imagination. Perhaps a desk is but a desk, a lifeless piece of wood that does nothing, says nothing, feels nothing. But I prefer to look at the world in a different way. I seek out beauty, I give everything feelings and personalitys and emotions. The sky is a cheerful blue, the trees whisper at me when I walk through them, the flowers sway in the wind as if dancing to it's joyful music.
I look at the beauty surrounding me and ask how people can destroy it, can kill it all without feeling. I never understood soldiers. Even fighting for 'peace' creates but more destruction. Sides have no meaning in war. Only death.
///Oh and its rising at the back of your mind///
I feel it calling out to me. I can feel the pain in the universe at this endless torment. That's why I must protect it at any cost. Any cost.
Then, I met him. The boy of my dreams. He is the coldest man, the best (or worst?) soldier, the most beautiful boy I'd ever met. His hard eyes caught my soul in their gaze, his lihth arms called for my presence, his thin lips cried out for mine. I needed him. I knew he needed me.
///You could never get it///
That emotionless act was just that - an act. He could never show weakness. He couldn't afford to. I knew, and I understood. I made it clear that I was his, would always be his.
You seemed to never reply. Hiiro, why couldn't you at least give me a sign? But - you did. You couldn't kill me. Even when I offered, you couldn't. Yes, yes. That proves it. You can't kill people you care for. I know it. I do.
///Unless you were fed it///
Oh, they dissaproved. My fan club hated my obsession with you, even the girls. Sometimes I wonder about their devotion. But I did everything I could to win your stone heart, because I had a hammer that would crack that concrete covering.
They tried to show me other men. Those suitors wooed, they asked, they even gave me expensive presents. But my heart was unswayed.
You could give me what I could never get before. You could win the peace I knew the world deserved.
And you would love me.
///Now you're here and you don't know why///
Why can't you see? My pure love for you can overcome anything! That's how I can find you, anywhere!
That's why I will find you now. Where ever you have gone.
I know there is a heart under all those masks, Hiiro. I know. I've seen you smile, I've seen you laugh. I thank the American for that - what was his name? Trio? No, Duo. He made you laugh.
Sometimes it bothers me that he could do what I couldn't yet. Then again, you and he have spent more time together. With that amount of time, I can see it too. You will grace me with your laughter.
///But under skinned knees and the skid marks///
The car is driving too fast. I don't care. The police will not stop me. My bag is packed, my heart is set.
It isn't me behind the wheel. Me? Never. The American offered to help me. He's always so polite! I suppose I should be thankful. He even tried to save me, that first day. I see now. Instead of shooting, he used a flare to block my view. His chatter and smiles are comforting and uplifting, I can see why he touches even my cold Hiiro. I wonder why he turned down every girl that asked him. Perhaps it was the strain of piloting and the fear of getting too close? I don't know. [AN]
///Past the places you learned///
I look out the window and see the world pass by in a blur. The greenery surrounding the highway is lush, but I know it to be fake. Beyond the trees lies a factory, followed by an industrial plant, and a spaceport lies a few miles up the road. This facade is only maintained for the drivers on the highway, placing them in a fake sense of beauty. I know better. I feel the too-small forest call out in pain as the smoke and chjemicals tear at it's life.
Oh, how I wish this war was ended. With him by my side, protecting me forever, I could change the world. I could slowly begin the healing process.
///You howl and listen///
Hiiro! Why won't you answer me? I came all this way, across space, to this backwards colony, just to find you! And yet, you still ignore me.
You sit at your desk, totally unresponsive. Duo gives me the seat next to you - so courteous. I may even enlist his help in catching the most perfect fish in the sea - my soldier.
Can we not talk, alone? You can let the mask go! Just for a minute, Hiiro! I need you ...
I need you ...
///Listen and wait ... ///
We were to meet here, Hiiro. I passed you the note, I told you in person, I left a message on your laptop. Here I stand, silluetted under the tall tree. The moonlight falls like a curtain of silk on my shoulders. Yet my heart is heavy with fear, fear you will abandon me.
I can't wait, Hiiro. I need you now! I need you!
Please.
/// ... for the///
///Echoes of angels who won't return///
It's far past the time. My heart pleads, my soul tears. Did you have a late night study session? Did you drink too much? Did he lock you into your room? My hands clutch at my dress in fear. I scan the trees, expecting to see you.
Where are you, Hiiro? My love, I don't understand. How can you leave me here?
My angel. My angel, where are you?
///She's everything you want///
I see! I see your figure running here, your eyes searching for mine. You run towards me. I leap into your arms, sobbing.
///She's everything you need///
You run your hands over my hair, telling me you're sorry, you're sorry. You mumble excuses. I don't even listen.
I know. I know how you feel. I am the innocence of the Earth, you told me so yourself. You need me, I am innocence. You are the soldier.
///She's everything inside of you///
///That you wish you could be///
You whisper sweet nothings, looking at me with warmth in your beautiful blue eyes. I can see it, the reflection of my love!
///She says all the right things///
///At exactly the right time///
My words got through. My love cut into your soul, past the ice. I feel myself whole, just feeling myself against you, feeling your love matching mine.
We cannot be together for long, that I know. But tonight is enough. I raise my lips to kiss you, my eyes closing in pure pleasure.
Aishit ... Aishiter ...
///But she means nothing to you///
... my arms are wrapped around air. My lips fall upon the uncaring ground, as it rushes up to catch me.
Where have you gone? My love!
Deep in my soul, I know. I know where you are. Asleep, in your dorm.
I was dreaming. It was but a dream. I know.
Dreaming of you.
///And you don't know why///
Why? Why did you leave me here, sobbing my heart into the cold grass, the sharp moonlight cutting my skin like razors?
I don't know!
There was some reason. I know. I fall once more into the warm feeling of knowing WHY. It envelopes me, pushing away my sorrow. I had been crying for an hour, time to go in.
///You're waiting for someone///
As I lie in bed, my mind reflects. Why could I not finish that word? Aishiteru. The most intimate form of 'I love you'. Why could I not say it?
My mind forms an answer. I was waiting for you, of course. I can't say it to a mere apparition.
A small voice in the corner of my mind thinks otherwise. It whispers to me, and I cannot close my mental ears to it.
Hiiro. I was dreaming of you.
Were you dreaming of me?
///To put you together///
I can't sleep. Not with this huge question laying in my soul, striving for an answer. Not just one question - millions. Because you are made of secrets, ne, Hiiro? You are a mere apparition of ghostly demons and death incarnate wraped in a shroud of uncaring and secrecy. Won't you let me behind your walls?
And as I sob in bed, my heart shattered, I search for you to put me back together.
Will you?
///You're waiting for someone to push you away///
I've gotten used to it.
As I walk in the door to the cafeteria, you push me away with a grunt or a cold look. Mentally and verbally, if not physically.
///There's always another wound to discover///
Each time, it hurts. It hurts more and more and more ... but I can bear the pain.
///There's always something more you wish he'd say///
As the wife of the prefect soldier, I must be strong. I must be able to bear it.
But wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? Barely a word of encouragement?
Of course not, But I wait, and I hope, and I make excuses to myself for your behavoir last night.
///He is everything you want///
Lunch break. There he is - sitting and chatting with the Maxwell boy. That American - Duo, was that his name? - isn't half bad looking, even against my Hiiro.
Wait - he's TALKING to Duo? Wow. I sit and savor this moment, watching my love talk. Even if he isn't talking to me, it's still worth it. A friend like Duo is good to have.
///He is everything you need///
I don't have freinds like Duo. None of my friends care at all about me - only about my power. Perhaps if I got to know you better. He's the only one who's even made you laugh, I even saw it myself. The best man at our wedding - I see it now. A friend of the family. Perhaps married off to that Hilde girl.
You have lost everything, yet have so much that I need ...
///He is everything inside of you that you wish you could be///
Laughing? Again? My love, if only it was I on the recieving end of that lovely smile ... like a flash of lighting, beautiful in it's short-lived glory, lighting up the world and thundering in emotion at the same time.
///He says all the right things at exactly the right times///
You are talking, too ... all I need are your simple words to soothe the unrest in my soul.
Then, I see something that makes my soul creep and crawl, something that my brain tells me I imagined but my heart tells me otherwise. Something that splits my soul in two again. I can't believe my eyes. I can't believe it. Everything suddenly seems so realistic, so clear - I don't know why.
Letting out a shriek, I turn and run away.
///But you mean nothing to him and you don't know why///
Do I really mean that little to you, that you would throw me away like that? Why, why does it all make no sense? Why does everything make clear sense now? Why is the world turning its back on me?
You are my world. You turned your back on me, Hiiro.
I sit in my room, sobbing for the love I lost and the love you shattered.
///But you'll just sit tight///
Suddenly, my broken mind pieces itself together and I stop crying abruptly. I can see it all now, why the world suddenly became so clear when I saw you in that clearing.
It all makes sense, why you opened up around him, why he was so eager to find you Hiiro. Duo is madly in love with you, just as I am.
///And watch it unwind///
I should have seen it. Now I understand the strange looks from my classmates, why they all opposed my ... obsession with you. Obsession is the only word. You were my world, and I loved you blindly. It was my downfall.
And you love him back. God help me, but when I saw it, I could tell. I'm not that blind as to try to break up something that seemed to be working out so wel between the two of you.
Back in the clearing. You said something. He laughed. You leaned over ... and kissed him hard. He kissed you back, putting his arms around you. You leaned into him. And that's when I ran away.
///It's only what you're asking for///
I suppose this is fate's way of telling me that becoming too obsessed with someone will ruin me.
///And you'll be just fine///
///With all of your time///
Why? Is this fate's cruel trick, that my brain feels unclogged, that I see the world for the first time through clear eyes without thinking of you at every moment? Wait, but I still do. Now with bittersweet regret instead of love.
///It's only what you're waiting for///
I should have seen it, I should have seen you pushing me away at every moment. I was just asking for it.
What a change from five minutes ago.
///Out of the island///
///Into the highway///
Here I am again, on that highway lined with the fake forest and the dying trees. It makes me sick to think of them to think of the war that ravages our universe. We only have need for factorys on Earth because of this damned war. The colonys were made to house the manufacturing plants so that Earth wouldn't have to, but now they revolt and Earth must use itself again. No, the men must use Earth again.
I'm leaving my little island of security. Leaving my 'friends'. Leaving you.
///Past the places you might have turned///
Well, I managed an entire minute without thinking of you. I'm getting better at this letting go stuff.
///You never did notice///
Do you even care that I'm gone? Or was I just an annoying distraction to you? I wouldn't blame you if you see me that way. I kick myself thinking of my blindness.
///But you still hide away///
///The anger of angels who won't return///
Am I vengeful? Yes. But fufilling my dreams of killing Duo Maxwell won't solve anything other than create more pain for you and for everyone else.
I've experienced love. I know how it feels now. I can look with the patience and cynical distance of an outside observer.
I will never love again.
///I am everything you want///
Hiiro, dearest, I have given up on you. I'm trying to let go, but it isn't working.
I still can't understand one thing. Why him and not me? Couldn't I give you everything he could? And more?
///I am everything you need///
I have nothing against same-sex relationships. To me, it implies a deeper love to be able to reach past the constraints of biased societys and love freely. I am always positive towards love and healing.
But, doesn't he represent the pain you went through as a child? I could be your innocence you lost, the bright light in your life. He is a light, but a dark one, burning low with blood and pain. I can see past his mask and into his eyes.
///I am everything inside of you///
///That you wish you could be///
I thought you needed me. I still think you need me. And that is why I can't let go of you.
///I say all the right things///
Here I am, in class once more. Nothing seems changed, though I know everything is different. Different uniforms, same classes. Different faces, same fake reverence. Different me, same mindless devotion. To you.
Everyone loves me. I seem to say all the right things to satisfy their little political grievances. Relena Peacecraft, the best politition. Fair-minded, fair-haired, fair-skinned. But this bitterness still creeps within me.
///At exactly the right time///
Then, you came and shattered my thin walls of reality yet again.
Why? Why transfer to this school? It wasn't an accident, you both came. Duo just gave me a small smile in responce to my open-mouthed stare. And you looked shielded as ever, as stern and angry as ever. With a bit more happiness and a tad more relaxed then ever.
///But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why///
This is everything and nothing. It is the chance to ask you what I never want spoken. the chance to find out what I don't want to know yet need to hear so badly.
///And I don't know why///
Why would you confuse and torture me like this, Hiiro? I leave you two alone and you come after me. I just can't figure you out. Are you trying to cause me as much pain as possible? Because that is the end effect.
///Why///
And for some reason, I'm happy to see you. In a way I never was happy before.This is like a happyness deep within me, starting to glow at my heart and move outward. How different.
I still love you and hate you. I love you for leaving me, and I hate you for coming back to me. I love you for coming to see me, and I hate you for loving him instead of me.
My reality, while clear as a bell, is confused. I make no sense. I make less sense than when I loved you and more, because I still love you.
And you had to come back.
///I don't know///
Notes: No hints! In this fic, expect the unexpected ...
Relena's point of view (YIKES! In a fic from Kei-chan? Yes, I'm getting in touch with the Relena sympathizer within me. Scary thought, the Angel of Destruction sympathizing with Relena, ne?)
Get this. I am a passionate Relena basher, but I'm starting to feel sorry for her. Heck, in my last few storys I've made her a downright psychopath! Like, way more than she ever was in the series. I heard this song and one other one and immediatly thought of songfics. So, this is the first in a series of songfics. If you find a song that illustrates this relationship even better, tell me - I need a third to round off a trilogy.
Disclaimer : GundamW belongs to Bandai and other people who are much richer than me. The song 'Everything You Want' belongs to Vertical Horizon, and is copyrihted and created and prefomed by them (on a damn good CD, I might add). I own both commercial tapes of GundamW and CDs by Vertical Horizon, so I support both. Don't sue me, please! 'He Loves You Not' belongs to the band 'Dream', I think. Good song too! Oh, and I SUPPORT SUBTITLES. A proud member of 'SOST: Save Our Subtitles'. Proudly loyal otaku against SOS (Save Our Sailors, the crap site that supports the Sailormoon dub) and my sites are YAOI FULL. And even though I don't support hentai or have it on my site or even look at it, I'm also a member of Hentai FREE free. (because Hentai FREE is another crap organiztion) That pretty much covers it.
Watch for guest characters! First person to spot all of them (and name the serieses) gets a special present! A REAL special present!
NEW SITE: Flirting with Death: A 2x1 shrine. [http://envy.nu/2x1/] Currently under MAJOR construction.
Oh, and this isn't edited yet, so verb tenses and spelling and stuff is crap.
Enjoy!
- The Eternally Insane Kei-chan
'something' = thinking or quoting or stuff ...
/something/ = song lyrics
CAPITALS = emphasis
***********************************
******* Everything You Need *******
***********************************
I walk into a room. Everyone stands. Their speeches are trivial and commending, and I nod politely at their unending respect. Or is it adoration?
Inwardly I twist bitterly. They don't care about the real me. They don't give a shit about how I feel, what my art is really like, how pretty my dress is. I could be wearing a plastic bag and trash on my head and no one would give me so much as a strange look. What they love, what they need to be close to, is the power I represent.
I wish I could throw it all away. Burn it in that trash can where he puts his feelings, his emotions. We both have our reasons. The question is, do they make sense? When does a reason become an excuse? Is this desire of mine just a pitiful excuse to run from the horrible heratige to which I was born?
///Somewhere there's speaking///
I see someone still sitting down. A young man, long brown hair bound in a braid falling past his waist. His teeth are perfect, his deep blue eyes shine brightly. He is laughing at some unknown joke. I can see why the girls fall head-over-heels for this beautiful specimen. My heart, however, belongs to someone different.
He is recieving quite a few evil looks. Oh, my 'loyal' followers. As if you were really my friends. He is not showing respect for me? I know not whether to laugh or be angry. I settle for simple indifference and take my seat.
///It's already coming in///
Absent. My love is absent. His usual desk, sitting so close to my own, lies empty. It waits for him, calls for him, with the same voice as mine.
Perhaps it is only my imagination. Perhaps a desk is but a desk, a lifeless piece of wood that does nothing, says nothing, feels nothing. But I prefer to look at the world in a different way. I seek out beauty, I give everything feelings and personalitys and emotions. The sky is a cheerful blue, the trees whisper at me when I walk through them, the flowers sway in the wind as if dancing to it's joyful music.
I look at the beauty surrounding me and ask how people can destroy it, can kill it all without feeling. I never understood soldiers. Even fighting for 'peace' creates but more destruction. Sides have no meaning in war. Only death.
///Oh and its rising at the back of your mind///
I feel it calling out to me. I can feel the pain in the universe at this endless torment. That's why I must protect it at any cost. Any cost.
Then, I met him. The boy of my dreams. He is the coldest man, the best (or worst?) soldier, the most beautiful boy I'd ever met. His hard eyes caught my soul in their gaze, his lihth arms called for my presence, his thin lips cried out for mine. I needed him. I knew he needed me.
///You could never get it///
That emotionless act was just that - an act. He could never show weakness. He couldn't afford to. I knew, and I understood. I made it clear that I was his, would always be his.
You seemed to never reply. Hiiro, why couldn't you at least give me a sign? But - you did. You couldn't kill me. Even when I offered, you couldn't. Yes, yes. That proves it. You can't kill people you care for. I know it. I do.
///Unless you were fed it///
Oh, they dissaproved. My fan club hated my obsession with you, even the girls. Sometimes I wonder about their devotion. But I did everything I could to win your stone heart, because I had a hammer that would crack that concrete covering.
They tried to show me other men. Those suitors wooed, they asked, they even gave me expensive presents. But my heart was unswayed.
You could give me what I could never get before. You could win the peace I knew the world deserved.
And you would love me.
///Now you're here and you don't know why///
Why can't you see? My pure love for you can overcome anything! That's how I can find you, anywhere!
That's why I will find you now. Where ever you have gone.
I know there is a heart under all those masks, Hiiro. I know. I've seen you smile, I've seen you laugh. I thank the American for that - what was his name? Trio? No, Duo. He made you laugh.
Sometimes it bothers me that he could do what I couldn't yet. Then again, you and he have spent more time together. With that amount of time, I can see it too. You will grace me with your laughter.
///But under skinned knees and the skid marks///
The car is driving too fast. I don't care. The police will not stop me. My bag is packed, my heart is set.
It isn't me behind the wheel. Me? Never. The American offered to help me. He's always so polite! I suppose I should be thankful. He even tried to save me, that first day. I see now. Instead of shooting, he used a flare to block my view. His chatter and smiles are comforting and uplifting, I can see why he touches even my cold Hiiro. I wonder why he turned down every girl that asked him. Perhaps it was the strain of piloting and the fear of getting too close? I don't know. [AN]
///Past the places you learned///
I look out the window and see the world pass by in a blur. The greenery surrounding the highway is lush, but I know it to be fake. Beyond the trees lies a factory, followed by an industrial plant, and a spaceport lies a few miles up the road. This facade is only maintained for the drivers on the highway, placing them in a fake sense of beauty. I know better. I feel the too-small forest call out in pain as the smoke and chjemicals tear at it's life.
Oh, how I wish this war was ended. With him by my side, protecting me forever, I could change the world. I could slowly begin the healing process.
///You howl and listen///
Hiiro! Why won't you answer me? I came all this way, across space, to this backwards colony, just to find you! And yet, you still ignore me.
You sit at your desk, totally unresponsive. Duo gives me the seat next to you - so courteous. I may even enlist his help in catching the most perfect fish in the sea - my soldier.
Can we not talk, alone? You can let the mask go! Just for a minute, Hiiro! I need you ...
I need you ...
///Listen and wait ... ///
We were to meet here, Hiiro. I passed you the note, I told you in person, I left a message on your laptop. Here I stand, silluetted under the tall tree. The moonlight falls like a curtain of silk on my shoulders. Yet my heart is heavy with fear, fear you will abandon me.
I can't wait, Hiiro. I need you now! I need you!
Please.
/// ... for the///
///Echoes of angels who won't return///
It's far past the time. My heart pleads, my soul tears. Did you have a late night study session? Did you drink too much? Did he lock you into your room? My hands clutch at my dress in fear. I scan the trees, expecting to see you.
Where are you, Hiiro? My love, I don't understand. How can you leave me here?
My angel. My angel, where are you?
///She's everything you want///
I see! I see your figure running here, your eyes searching for mine. You run towards me. I leap into your arms, sobbing.
///She's everything you need///
You run your hands over my hair, telling me you're sorry, you're sorry. You mumble excuses. I don't even listen.
I know. I know how you feel. I am the innocence of the Earth, you told me so yourself. You need me, I am innocence. You are the soldier.
///She's everything inside of you///
///That you wish you could be///
You whisper sweet nothings, looking at me with warmth in your beautiful blue eyes. I can see it, the reflection of my love!
///She says all the right things///
///At exactly the right time///
My words got through. My love cut into your soul, past the ice. I feel myself whole, just feeling myself against you, feeling your love matching mine.
We cannot be together for long, that I know. But tonight is enough. I raise my lips to kiss you, my eyes closing in pure pleasure.
Aishit ... Aishiter ...
///But she means nothing to you///
... my arms are wrapped around air. My lips fall upon the uncaring ground, as it rushes up to catch me.
Where have you gone? My love!
Deep in my soul, I know. I know where you are. Asleep, in your dorm.
I was dreaming. It was but a dream. I know.
Dreaming of you.
///And you don't know why///
Why? Why did you leave me here, sobbing my heart into the cold grass, the sharp moonlight cutting my skin like razors?
I don't know!
There was some reason. I know. I fall once more into the warm feeling of knowing WHY. It envelopes me, pushing away my sorrow. I had been crying for an hour, time to go in.
///You're waiting for someone///
As I lie in bed, my mind reflects. Why could I not finish that word? Aishiteru. The most intimate form of 'I love you'. Why could I not say it?
My mind forms an answer. I was waiting for you, of course. I can't say it to a mere apparition.
A small voice in the corner of my mind thinks otherwise. It whispers to me, and I cannot close my mental ears to it.
Hiiro. I was dreaming of you.
Were you dreaming of me?
///To put you together///
I can't sleep. Not with this huge question laying in my soul, striving for an answer. Not just one question - millions. Because you are made of secrets, ne, Hiiro? You are a mere apparition of ghostly demons and death incarnate wraped in a shroud of uncaring and secrecy. Won't you let me behind your walls?
And as I sob in bed, my heart shattered, I search for you to put me back together.
Will you?
///You're waiting for someone to push you away///
I've gotten used to it.
As I walk in the door to the cafeteria, you push me away with a grunt or a cold look. Mentally and verbally, if not physically.
///There's always another wound to discover///
Each time, it hurts. It hurts more and more and more ... but I can bear the pain.
///There's always something more you wish he'd say///
As the wife of the prefect soldier, I must be strong. I must be able to bear it.
But wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied? Barely a word of encouragement?
Of course not, But I wait, and I hope, and I make excuses to myself for your behavoir last night.
///He is everything you want///
Lunch break. There he is - sitting and chatting with the Maxwell boy. That American - Duo, was that his name? - isn't half bad looking, even against my Hiiro.
Wait - he's TALKING to Duo? Wow. I sit and savor this moment, watching my love talk. Even if he isn't talking to me, it's still worth it. A friend like Duo is good to have.
///He is everything you need///
I don't have freinds like Duo. None of my friends care at all about me - only about my power. Perhaps if I got to know you better. He's the only one who's even made you laugh, I even saw it myself. The best man at our wedding - I see it now. A friend of the family. Perhaps married off to that Hilde girl.
You have lost everything, yet have so much that I need ...
///He is everything inside of you that you wish you could be///
Laughing? Again? My love, if only it was I on the recieving end of that lovely smile ... like a flash of lighting, beautiful in it's short-lived glory, lighting up the world and thundering in emotion at the same time.
///He says all the right things at exactly the right times///
You are talking, too ... all I need are your simple words to soothe the unrest in my soul.
Then, I see something that makes my soul creep and crawl, something that my brain tells me I imagined but my heart tells me otherwise. Something that splits my soul in two again. I can't believe my eyes. I can't believe it. Everything suddenly seems so realistic, so clear - I don't know why.
Letting out a shriek, I turn and run away.
///But you mean nothing to him and you don't know why///
Do I really mean that little to you, that you would throw me away like that? Why, why does it all make no sense? Why does everything make clear sense now? Why is the world turning its back on me?
You are my world. You turned your back on me, Hiiro.
I sit in my room, sobbing for the love I lost and the love you shattered.
///But you'll just sit tight///
Suddenly, my broken mind pieces itself together and I stop crying abruptly. I can see it all now, why the world suddenly became so clear when I saw you in that clearing.
It all makes sense, why you opened up around him, why he was so eager to find you Hiiro. Duo is madly in love with you, just as I am.
///And watch it unwind///
I should have seen it. Now I understand the strange looks from my classmates, why they all opposed my ... obsession with you. Obsession is the only word. You were my world, and I loved you blindly. It was my downfall.
And you love him back. God help me, but when I saw it, I could tell. I'm not that blind as to try to break up something that seemed to be working out so wel between the two of you.
Back in the clearing. You said something. He laughed. You leaned over ... and kissed him hard. He kissed you back, putting his arms around you. You leaned into him. And that's when I ran away.
///It's only what you're asking for///
I suppose this is fate's way of telling me that becoming too obsessed with someone will ruin me.
///And you'll be just fine///
///With all of your time///
Why? Is this fate's cruel trick, that my brain feels unclogged, that I see the world for the first time through clear eyes without thinking of you at every moment? Wait, but I still do. Now with bittersweet regret instead of love.
///It's only what you're waiting for///
I should have seen it, I should have seen you pushing me away at every moment. I was just asking for it.
What a change from five minutes ago.
///Out of the island///
///Into the highway///
Here I am again, on that highway lined with the fake forest and the dying trees. It makes me sick to think of them to think of the war that ravages our universe. We only have need for factorys on Earth because of this damned war. The colonys were made to house the manufacturing plants so that Earth wouldn't have to, but now they revolt and Earth must use itself again. No, the men must use Earth again.
I'm leaving my little island of security. Leaving my 'friends'. Leaving you.
///Past the places you might have turned///
Well, I managed an entire minute without thinking of you. I'm getting better at this letting go stuff.
///You never did notice///
Do you even care that I'm gone? Or was I just an annoying distraction to you? I wouldn't blame you if you see me that way. I kick myself thinking of my blindness.
///But you still hide away///
///The anger of angels who won't return///
Am I vengeful? Yes. But fufilling my dreams of killing Duo Maxwell won't solve anything other than create more pain for you and for everyone else.
I've experienced love. I know how it feels now. I can look with the patience and cynical distance of an outside observer.
I will never love again.
///I am everything you want///
Hiiro, dearest, I have given up on you. I'm trying to let go, but it isn't working.
I still can't understand one thing. Why him and not me? Couldn't I give you everything he could? And more?
///I am everything you need///
I have nothing against same-sex relationships. To me, it implies a deeper love to be able to reach past the constraints of biased societys and love freely. I am always positive towards love and healing.
But, doesn't he represent the pain you went through as a child? I could be your innocence you lost, the bright light in your life. He is a light, but a dark one, burning low with blood and pain. I can see past his mask and into his eyes.
///I am everything inside of you///
///That you wish you could be///
I thought you needed me. I still think you need me. And that is why I can't let go of you.
///I say all the right things///
Here I am, in class once more. Nothing seems changed, though I know everything is different. Different uniforms, same classes. Different faces, same fake reverence. Different me, same mindless devotion. To you.
Everyone loves me. I seem to say all the right things to satisfy their little political grievances. Relena Peacecraft, the best politition. Fair-minded, fair-haired, fair-skinned. But this bitterness still creeps within me.
///At exactly the right time///
Then, you came and shattered my thin walls of reality yet again.
Why? Why transfer to this school? It wasn't an accident, you both came. Duo just gave me a small smile in responce to my open-mouthed stare. And you looked shielded as ever, as stern and angry as ever. With a bit more happiness and a tad more relaxed then ever.
///But I mean nothing to you and I don't know why///
This is everything and nothing. It is the chance to ask you what I never want spoken. the chance to find out what I don't want to know yet need to hear so badly.
///And I don't know why///
Why would you confuse and torture me like this, Hiiro? I leave you two alone and you come after me. I just can't figure you out. Are you trying to cause me as much pain as possible? Because that is the end effect.
///Why///
And for some reason, I'm happy to see you. In a way I never was happy before.This is like a happyness deep within me, starting to glow at my heart and move outward. How different.
I still love you and hate you. I love you for leaving me, and I hate you for coming back to me. I love you for coming to see me, and I hate you for loving him instead of me.
My reality, while clear as a bell, is confused. I make no sense. I make less sense than when I loved you and more, because I still love you.
And you had to come back.
///I don't know///