A/N- Hello, this is strictly a one-shot. This is in response to the depressing stuff they've been subjecting Caroline to on TVD. It's completely Caroline's prob centric. Whatever shit's going on with Klaus in TO DELETE IT ALL FROM YOUR MIND. In this story, we can safely assume he's got his shit together and is leading kind of a peaceful life without all the fuckery that's going on TO; Esp no fuckery with Camille. There's basically no Camille. At all. Delete her from your memory. This one-shot is kind of introspective (I think?) and not fluffy. Just me kind of letting out my steam. Hope you guys have a fun time reading it!
P.S. - If any of you are wondering when I'm going to update my other fics...uh...I'm not sure, actually. Hopefully this December.
Klaus sat down next to Caroline and stared at the wall she was staring at. He had not imagined running into her like this. Suddenly. Without knowledge or planning. This was... Disconcerting. He did not know how she would react. He could have turned back and left her with her thoughts but he couldn't do that. She was so absorbed in her thoughts that she hadn't even noticed him. He could sense her agitation and he wanted to relieve it if he could. Plus, he had stayed away for far too long; been good to his promise for far too long not to have this small luxury. Surely, he deserved it. Surely.
"Caroline," he said, smiling slightly. Her eyes widened and her face twisted into a frown. Did she think he had orchestrated this?
"Purely accident," he quickly said. He wanted to tell her the entire story, he had been out of New Orleans to get a fresh breath – the city, the people were becoming too much for him. Being King was not easy; being a Father to a child who had forsaken him and another who had been snatched away from him was not easy; trusting people around him was not easy. He had come out – for a while – driven out of the city. To think, to clear his head. When he had seen her sitting outside a Food Mart, on one of those stray plastic chairs, staring at the ground, he realized he had to come see her , speak to her, find out if she was doing well, find out if she thought of him sometimes like he thought of her often. Mostly, he wanted to stop her from her musings.
Staring at the wall, she seemed to belong only to her private inner self. She seemed closed from everything and everyone. Her fingers were clutched around a soda can and they were crushing it slowly to pulp. She did not seem to notice. There was a tiny crinkle between her eyebrows and her forehead was slightly wrinkled. She looked worried about something. Klaus could feel he receding into herself; it was as if she was slowly pulling deeper and deeper into herself into a private place where nobody could ever get to her. She seemed to be getting swallowed up in a former vacuum now becoming her. He did not like it, could not bear to think Caroline Forbes would be – could be – anything but what he had always known her to be – fierce, unwavering. Here, now, she was dimming, at the edge of a precipice Klaus was scared she would not recover. So he had taken the courage – it was courage as opposed to the gallantry, the fierce that he was, that he took – and approached her.
When he had said her name, she returned from the precipice. Her eyes were restored their light and upon his confession of him running into her being accidental, she looked at him and was still looking, suspiciously.
"Really, now, " she said dryly.
"Really," he confirmed shrugging.
He thought she would say something cruel and amusing but all she did was smile. She smiled at him and he felt better than before. Better for being himself to Caroline because she wouldn't have smiled like that for someone else. Or so he told himself.
"How are you?" he asked, taking a seat next to her. The plastic chair wobbled under him. Not the paramount of ambience or organisation, he mused to himself.
"I'm –," she faltered, her smile failing at her mouth. "Not that great actually," she confessed with a pitiful smile.
"Not living your great adventure?"
"Are you being sarcastic?" She raised a challenging eyebrow. Her eyes were sparkling, ready to rise up to the challenge, to tear him down. Klaus smiled.
"No, curious. I thought you had all of these great plans – college and, well, I forget what else you had envisaged for your life," he said, well, a little bitterly, he would later concede. "Not quite the fairy-tale as you imagined it to be, did you?"
"Was that an accusation?"
Klaus remained quiet for a while. She continued to glare at him and he submitted a weak, "I don't know, love. If I remember correctly. You were going to live the Martha Stewart way but it's all going downhill, isn't it?"
Caroline got up abruptly. "How dare you? How dare you randomly walk in here and just – like – pass judgment at my life!? How dare you!? You have not been through what I have and you don't know what I'm going through right now and you wouldn't! Ever! Because unlike you I have not been programmed to be a selfish cold blooded killer so forgive me if I cannot just abandon a friend if he asks me to do something unpleasant – and forgive me if it means letting go of my dreams of experiencing college life – and – and normalcy because what is that in the face of a friend's life?" She was now shouting at the top of her voice. "And you know what? What happened, was good because I was just fooling myself because – because I can never have a fairy-tale because I'm the monster in each and every one of them!"
"Well, I'm glad you finally came to it, love, because the act was getting tiresome anyway," Klaus hissed. "But I'm sorry you took away the pleasure of me breaking it to you," he shouted back. He could not believe she would call him a selfish cold blooded killer when he had done so many things for her. When he had –
"Um, excuse me," a meek voice interrupted them, "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have you to ask to move from here. You're scaring our customers – and staff – actually everybody. If you don't move from here, I'm afraid I'll be – be forced to call 911," the man said.
Klaus and Caroline were still breathing heavily from all the shouting. They glared at the man before exchanging a look. Klaus hated the way Caroline was looking at him – angry and disgusted. He glowered at the cowering boy who was waiting for them to leave. Caroline was already walking away from them. He groaned, running his hand through his hair frustrated.
"Caroline," Klaus said, catching up to Caroline. She was walking down the long road leading to the highway. Where was she going? She just seemed to stubbornly walking in the direction of the suburbs. But he wasn't sure if she knew that. He could see it was taking her a lot of effort to walk at the pace she was – to not have the liberty to run at vampire speed because of all the human eyes.
"Caroline," he said, again. "Wh-where are you even going?"
"Away from you."
"Well, let me apologize for my behaviour earlier."
"I don't care," Caroline said annoyed . "I just want to get away from here."
"Surely, you brought a car," he said gently.
Caroline made a face. "This wasn't exactly planned – also, just, leave, okay? I'll call a cab."
"Or I could drop you."
"Over my dead body."
"Well, I hate to point out," Klaus began in a mock-exasperated way. Caroline stopped to glare at him.
She put her arms at her hips. He braced himself for the worst. "What do you want, Klaus? You want to sit me down and tell me how bad my life turned out? How everything I wanted has been taken away from me? Well, I already do that, and I – I don't need you to have it thrown on my face."
"I – I didn't need mean to say all of that – I didn't make you feel – well, all of that," He said, raising his eyebrows. "I just didn't understand when you said that things were going well – well, what happened?"
"Nothing," Caroline snapped. She had stopped walking. "I don't need to explain anything to you."
"Caroline," he said, seriously," forgive me." Her blue eyes sparkled with anger. She crossed her arms across her chest, waiting for him to elaborate. He sighed. "I didn't mean it."
"Ugh," she rolled her eyes. "Fine. Apology accepted. I need to get back anyway," she said, beginning to start walking.
"That's not the right way to Mystic Falls," Klaus interrupted. Caroline turned mid-step to glare at him. "I didn't ask," she said. He chuckled.
"Well, hold up anyway. We run into each other after such a long time, don't you think we should talk a while? Catch up? Like old friends?" he smirked at the last word. Caroline rolled her eyes again.
"Not if you continue to be an ass –," Caroline began but was cut off with a prompt, "No, I promise to be on my best behaviour," by Klaus.
"Well, where shall we go?" Caroline asked. Klaus shrugged his shoulders.
"Anywhere there's alcohol," Caroline said, seriously.
"Well, when I said alcohol, I did not have a wine and cheese fondue in mind – but it works," Caroline said settling into her chair.
"Well, next time perhaps you can be a bit explicit in your instruction," Klaus said, raising his eyebrows in mock-annoyance. Next time, he liked that he could say that word and have her not contradict him. It created an illusion of continuity – with her.
"Okay, then, ask them to bring out the liquor and the bread!"
After they were two bottles down, Klaus finally said, "So, what were you so upset about earlier today?"
"Oh, I ran into someone from the past. Turned out to be a horror story when he started shouting at me, about how pathetic my life is..."
Klaus looked at her guiltily. "I apologize, Caroline. I didn't mean for it to come out the way it did – I did not mean it. Not really," he said gravely, his eyes boring into hers. Caroline's gaze wavered and she looked away.
"I know," she said quietly, "But it doesn't make it hurt less. And it doesn't make me not think…I really have forgotten to do everything I thought I would." Caroline's fingers poked into the bread, tracing the crust as she receded into herself.
"Why?" Klaus asked. Caroline looked up.
"What do you mean why?"
"Why did you let that happen?"
"It was not in my control," Caroline argued, her mouth twisting into a scowl. "My friends were dying – my mother's dead – my best friend's almost dead – I just – I can't," she said shaking her head, "I couldn't have stayed or studied. Life could never have been the way I ever wanted it to be and now it'll be something I – I don't think I'll ever get to be who I want," she said clutching her head.
"I just thought you wouldn't let anyone hold you back from living your life completely. On your terms. You didn't let me... Us... Hold you back. I just assumed. What could be so important that you allow it to make you so unhappy? "
"It's complicated," she mumbled, staring at the glass of wine. It's complicated because I am all alone and will be so if I say no.
"When is it not?"
Caroline snorted in acquiescence. "My life is turning out to be one big chaotic mess, and I'm in the middle, silent and still."
"Passive," Klaus commented quietly. Caroline bit her lip.
"Passive," she confirmed. "I don't know how to be otherwise."
"Poppycock," Klaus said and Caroline found herself bursting into an incredulous laugh.
"What -," she gasped between laughs, "Poppycock!?"
Klaus smiled. "Yes, poppycock. You do know how to say no. How to do what you want to get what you want. You've done it – with me. And – and, however unpleasant it had been it was – it was you, Caroline, and I could never imagine it any other way."
Caroline snorted. "Ugh, it makes me sound like such a bitch."
"I think you know what it really sounds like."
She shook her head. "I don't know what to do. How it is that you can want someone – love someone so much that you're willing to do everything they want, at every step, and they – they don't think for a second before leaving you?" She crushed a piece of bread between her forefinger and her thumb.
"Hard to imagine," Klaus said, looking at Caroline. Her head snapped up with realization.
"You don't mean to say you think I am that person for you?" she blurted out without thinking. Klaus shrugged.
"Well, I can't be," she said, shaking her head lightly, with a frown, "Because – because – I – I – the love I feel is better and healthier and the love they feel is also healthy whereas, it, this is not," she stopped talking because she couldn't figure out how to say what she felt.
Klaus looked beyond annoyed. "Well, love, from what I hear, your other relationships are what brought you a thousand miles away from them."
He expected Caroline to defend herself and her stupid friends to the end and was surprised when in the end she said, "You got me there."
She looked up. "I'm sorry. I know you – I mean, I know your feelings for me are genuine. I just can never seem to wrap my head around it. But come to think of it, you're one of the few people in my life who've always been there for me when I asked for it or not. I realize I have never said this often, but, thank you," she said, smiling lightly, tiredly. Klaus nodded lightly.
"Why did you push me away back then?" he couldn't help but ask. He half-regretted it. He should've taken what he got from her and should've been happy with that; but he wasn't. He wanted to know more and everything. He was burning with the question. But when it was out he half-regretted it, but he also half-didn't regret it.
"I didn't push you away," Caroline said slowly, "You weren't the focus, Klaus. I'm sorry if this hurts you but while I am glad I have you in my life I don't regret the decision that I made... Anything else would've been half-hearted."
Her eyebrows crinkled, her mouth turned into a small frown. "WHY is it that only with you am I able to actually put myself first, especially if it's the right thing to do? Why is it that with others, I shy away? How is it that it's you, of all people, that I am never afraid to say what I mean, especially when I disagree... I - I -," Caroline broke off, agitated.
"I think we both know why, love," Klaus said, watching her carefully. Her eyes snapped to his'. She looked shocked, upset and horrified.
"What is it?" She whispered her face pale. It reminded him of the time in the woods when they were burying the witches. She possessed the same haunted ashen look.
"I'm not sure if I can say it, love, I think the person who you're supposed to hear it from is yourself. Coming from me, it'll most likely sound like propaganda," he said.
"It's because I'm afraid they'll leave me. With my parents dead, I only have them in the world after all. And I'm not easy to be with. Easier to not deal with and they could do without me. Stefan's always been a loner guy... And at max he needs an extra person to complete a duo and he has that now...Bonnie is there of course... She's there... But in a different capacity. She's the 'witch'. If she goes missing they care. With Damon... I'm just... Always a thing to achieve a purpose... Now... my purpose is, oh God, It's... I don't know. I only have Stefan...And not even that. I'm completely alone. Despite everything I did, despite trying so hard. How can this be happening to me?"
"What I really wanted, and have wanted more than anything, is for someone to take courage and stand up for me not against the evil outside but the terrible inside. I keep hoping I'll be one day able to get it...," she sighed, pulling her legs to herself. "It's terrible to be alone and I can't bear it. With you I had feared I'll be alone. I was scared I would love you more than myself and I would forget myself. All my life has been a forgetting of myself. But here I am, alone again. I can't handle it anymore. I... I'm done with feeling like this. "
"I think you know what to do, then," he said.
"No, no I don't," Caroline said shaking her head vigorously. "There is no way out of it. I – I have to do it and if I – if I don't, they'll leave me," she clutched her head. "I can't do anything else."
"What are they making you do Caroline?"
Caroline did not seem like she heard him. "Caroline," he insisted, worried, "what are they making you do?"
Caroline's head snapped up. Her eyes were pleading. "I – they – ," she stopped, "They – actually Alaric, but everyone actually, they – ," she broke off again. "I can't say it. Don't make me say it. It's not that terrible actually. As it would sound. Or maybe I'm afraid it wouldn't sound terrible and it is just I who am terrible, I just – I can't do it. I mean I want to – I would have wanted to but this – this feels wrong. I am not a shell – I don't want to be used this way. I feel crass, as if my body does not - will never, it seems in the eyes of others, at least – belong to me. It feels like – a term of negotiation, oh God," she laughed bitterly. "With Damon, with Stefan, with – well, with everyone it's always been a term to negotiate terms and smoothen out things, rivalries. I can't do this anymore, Klaus. I just – I don't want to – but what do I do? Where do I go? They're all I've known."
Klaus couldn't understand what exactly she was talking about. Something very wrong was happening with Caroline but she wouldn't allow him to know everything and it bothered him very much. The statement of her body being everybody's tool infuriated him and he wanted to remove the heart from every creature who made Caroline feel bad about herself. He didn't know her from before, but he knew, could gather, she was not proud of who she was when she was human. But he could never imagine a moment when one could not be proud of Caroline however she was. She would always still be Caroline for him – past, present or future. And to think that the people around her could reduce her to a state of helplessness was bewildering and cause of indignation for him. He wanted to go to Mystic Falls and demand a full account into the treatment of Caroline and then carry out the persecution of everyone who was in the wrong. But he knew he could not do that for that would not help Caroline. She needed to stand up for herself.
"Caroline," he said gravely, "You have to leave that place."
"I – I can't," she said. "That's not an option."
Then she added, "And come away with you?"
He wondered if such a thought would be as preposterous as her expression was suggesting. He shook his head. He could never insulate his heart enough from injury by her. It was also what he held onto, otherwise: the power to be able to wholeheartedly feel and want to do so despite the pain.
"Caroline," he admonished. "I am not asking you to come away, Caroline. I am asking you to go away. Away from everyone."
"Where will I go?"
"To yourself."
Caroline looked like she was prepared with a barrel of counterarguments but after hearing his say she shut up. "It sounds grand."
"You are," he smiled.
Caroline looked at him and he wished he could always remember this moment for her gaze was filled with tenderness and understanding. In that moment, he felt she could understand his love for her. And she didn't seem put off by it.
"I'm…alright," she said softly.
"Well," he wanted to argue but had other important points to make. "You have the whole world for you. You can do whatever you want – go wherever you want. You can truly spend your life the way you want Caroline. You have the ability to not let people decide your worth."
She smiled at him sadly. "Klaus, you don't even know what they're asking. You might change your mind if I tell you it's a baby – twins actually – Alaric's, from his late girlfriend. I would be denying someone the right to have babies."
He stared, shocked. He thought of his own child. Had not Hayley also been forced to go through pregnancy? Had she not suffered because of it? Although she had come to love Hope, it was, after all, a baby that was forced on her. But there was love at the end of the tunnel too. But if given a chance, Klaus knew Hayley would not have had the child. And would he have blamed her? He loved Hope, of course he did. But it was only after he had seen, had he conceived of her entirely; had loved her entirely. But before all of that, she was still part of Hayley's choice, and if Hayley had said no – he would've been emptier now, but he knew he wouldn't have stopped Hayley. She was not obliged. Caroline was not obliged. Their bodies were their own. Hayley was not given the choice to say no. She was not allowed to decide. She was forced into motherhood and Klaus could see her sometimes struggling with it despite the fact that she loved their child. Once when Hayley had too much to drunk she had blurted out everything:
"I did not want her and sometimes I worry what if she found out? Nobody ever wanted me, and I did the same to her - initially. I just - I feel guilty. But then, sometimes, just sometimes, I wonder how it would have been if I hadn't had her. I would've reunited with my tribe and led them and conceived a child then, later, when I was at a good place in life - without the sudden painful separation; without the damn forcefulness of it. I mean - of course, of course I love Hope," she glanced warily at Klaus, "I do, but I hate the entire memory of her conception and birth. I had never thought I'd have a baby, you see. And then, suddenly, I was pregnant with someone's child who was - well at least that time - terrible; a stranger; a mass murderer," Klaus gave her a pointed look at that to which she conceded with a, "Okay, I'm not one to give out labels, but Klaus, I don't think you understand how traumatizing it was for me. To be pregnant. I like Hope as she is now; out of me," Hayley snorted.
"What's the point of digging up the old graves?" Klaus asked, tiredly.
"Because you're the father of my child, Klaus. So its important you know how I feel. Also mostly because Elijah gets really depressed at these things and I need the luxury to be the depressed one - at least ostentatiously - for once. And I'm drunk. So. Anyway," she sighed, "Being pregnant was a really terrible experience for me. The birthing too, I mean. You saw."
Klaus winced at the memory. "That I did."
"Would you rather have not had her at all?" he asked, slightly accusatory.
"I would rather," she made an exaggerated expression to make it known she had caught onto the accusation in Klaus's voice, "have not had her the way I did.
"So what do we do now?" he asked, irritated. He felt she was blaming him for her troubles.
"What you do is shut up and listen when I talk. That's it. I Hope," she snapped, "you can do that?"
Klaus had rolled his eyes at her comment but nodded his assent.
Klaus looked back at Caroline. She looked so troubled. He did not want Caroline to go through the same. This would be worse, he thought.
"They're denying your right to yours," he said slowly but firmly.
He could see she wanted to agree with him but was scared because of his history, their history. He found he could do no more. He stood up.
"Caroline, I can't change your mind. Only you can."
"Won't it be running away, though?" she asked, looking worried.
Klaus wanted to comfort her and dispel all of her doubts but he found it out of his reach. She needed to do it for herself or she would never have the confidence, he realized. Klaus hoped she would do what was best for her but knew he had to leave before he could not. He wanted to interfere and wrench her away from her silly friends' grasp. But that was not the way to be with Caroline. She had to make her own decisions; otherwise she would never really understand herself.
"Those are questions only you can answer, love," he said as he left. "Call me if you need me. I'll always be there."
Caroline did not look up as he left. She stared at her empty plate. Perhaps, perhaps, he was right, she thought. But he did not understand relationships like Caroline did. Did not love people in a healthy way. Plus, he was always so biased against Stefan and Damon. He didn't entirely comprehend how important her friends were to her. He could never, Caroline thought, understand. But - she thought. He had a point too. But then again, who was he to tell her what to do? He didn't even understand basic human relationships. BUT, it did seem like he had grown up an awful lot. Or maybe he was just pretending ... Or perhaps, the entire discussion on Klaus was a way for her to avoid focusing on her own problems...
Caroline sighed. This was going to take a while. She ordered a retinue of breads, vegetables and meats and a fresh pot of cheese. She might as well over-eat, she thought.
By the time Caroline left the restaurant, she had made her decision.