A flicker.
One eye twitched slightly, the left.
And the smile dropped from the corners of his mouth. Not for long, but long enough to be seen.
And he looked at him, disbelieving while trying not to show it.
"Hawk," the word uttered quietly from his mouth, like he hadn't meant to say it but the words had just left on a breath.
His stomach was twisted in knots the closer he came to home and now he was here, he wanted to turn, to run. "Dad," he voiced back unsure but voice sounding strong. His Dad embraced him then and after a few seconds, Hawkeye dropped his bags and hugged back. "Sorry I didn't write..." he mumbled into his shoulder. He'd thought about it on the way back. How he'd suddenly stopped writing when he'd been in hospital under Sidney's care and he'd never found the words. Still couldn't now.
It didn't matter it seemed as his Dad cried onto his shoulder and he stood their clutching at him like lifeline, numb and desperate not to drown.
He couldn't find his words.
He couldn't begin to describe anything. He was feeling overwhelmed. Feeling like he was battling against the tides.
"You looked disappointed," he said. The first thing he'd said that wasn't an answer to a question.
"What?"
"When you saw me."
"You look so different, Hawk. I barely recognised you for a moment." Hawkeye didn't say anything to that. "I know what you went through. At least the things you told me. I guess part of me didn't consider I wouldn't get the same boy home that went out there."
And that was when it really sunk in. That going back home wouldn't make anything any better than it was right now.
This was it now. His life.
There was a party in the park.
Thrown for Hawkeye and someone called Robert, who was a soldier returning from Korea. They shook hands and talked briefly and he couldn't help but notice the look of unspoken horror etched on the man's face. He wondered if he looked like that. If anyone else noticed it.
Hawkeye asked if he'd been injured and found out he'd passed through one of the M*A*S*H units.
They went their own ways and Hawkeye didn't see him for the the rest of the night.
And soon enough, the night was drawing in and Daniel said they should be going.
Daniel chatted about the night, how good it was to see so many of their friends supporting them as they headed towards the car. But then suddenly, Hawkeye wasn't beside him.
"Hawk?" Daniel asked as he came and stood beside his son. He was watching as the food from the buffet was thrown away. Hawkeye turned and faced his Dad. "Did I ever tell you about the soldier who stopped eating because going back for seconds saved his life but all his friends died in the foxhole? I remember him telling me how surprised they looked." He turned back towards the table.
"Hawk?"
"Did I tell you that?"
"No. You didn't."
He thinks there's probably a lot of things he stopped telling his Dad as time went on.
"The last letter you wrote me... it was a little strange. You went to the beach and came home on the bus."
"I wrote you about that? What else did I say?"
"Nothing. You just talked about the beach and the bus. You went over it a few times. The story kept changing. I didn't know what to make of it, Hawk." Hawkeye didn't say anything, just looked at his Dad. "What should I think of it?"
"I don't know. Take me home?"
Daniel nodded. "Come on then, son. Let's get home."