This is a bit of a weird oneshot, but the idea came to me while I was completely high out of my mind, so I decided to post it. The intention is to write a series of oneshots/fanfics, most of them oriented around Naruto, but not neccessarily exclusively just Naruto. Unless noted, treat each chapter as a separate story in it's own right.
No, I don't own Naruto
Naruto and Sasuke stared at each other, faces turned to each as the reality that their hands had just been obliterated set into them at just that moment. Neither man made a comment for several minutes, merely letting the situation sit in their minds for a bit. Much to Naruto's surprise, Sasuke spoke first.
"Holy shit." the Uchiha kid said, mood level and monotoned.
Naruto only turned back towards the sky, before saying "that did go quite how I expected." He heard a chuckle from his rival off to the side.
"You always find a way to fuck things up for me." Now it is time for both of them to laugh this time. The irony of the scenario (was that the right word?), and maybe the fact they were both trying to cope with the loss of their dominant forearms was too fucking hilarious.
"Now how am I supposed to finger Hinata?" Naruto claimed jokingly, making Sasuke cringe at the thought of his friend of a sexual act. Between laughs, Sasuke commented back "or your ability to roll world class blunts," before laughing again.
"Fuck man, good thing I rolled a couple beforehand. I had a feeling we were gonna need them." Naruto grinned, before sitting up and pulling out to pristine looking blunts from his pocket. "It's Pineapple Express, my guy," Sasuke followed suit and sat up too. Sasuke paused for a second before saying "let's get our arms fixed before we bleed out, though."
Once Naruto had recovered his jacket and used it has a makeshift bandage for both of the shinobi, they wandered around the valley, or rather what was left of it, looking for a place to sit.
"Kami, we fucked this place up completely," Naruto commented, looking around them at the vast destruction, before continuing, "remember when we could barely put dents in those water towers in the hospital? Now we're destroyers of worlds."
"Don't get too full of yourself, crybaby."
Naruto simply grinned "Kutabare."
Sasuke smiled back "Fuck you too" before laughing again. They sat on two rocks opposing each other. Naruto held out the blunt and made a motion with his eyebrows towards Sasuke "You know what happens next man, we've done this plenty of times." Sasuke rolled his eyes before taking his one good hand and blowing an ember to light up the blunt. "Life's for a stoner convenient when your best friend's a human blowtorch, huh?"
Naruto simply nodded while taking a hit. He breathed in and out long and slowly. He then passed the blunt to the Uchiha kid.
As they continued to smoke, Naruto started up small talk again. "Good thing I always preferred masturbating with my off hand, always thought it felt nicer." Sasuke coughed out some smoke at the statement, taken aback by the overly explicit statement, though not entirely surprised.
"Ever heard of too much information, Naruto?" Sasuke said, coughing his lungs out.
"Prude." Naruto said back.
"Who's banging Sakura though," Sasuke spat back at his friend, before pointing his thumb towards his own chest, grinning triumphantly. Naruto simply straightened his posture, staring at Sasuke in the eyes.
"You know I'm over all that nonsense." Naruto exclaimed, before looking back towards the dusk sky.
Sasuke rolled his eyes, "Sure you are, Lord Hokage"
Naruto flipped off Sasuke, earning another chuckle from the both of them.
"I'm high as fuck right now, I can't feel my right arm," Naruto said before leaning back.
"You stupid motherfucker, you don't have one," Sasuke said, laughing his ass off, sliding off his rock and on the floor.
Naruto simply stared at his stub of an arm before saying dumbfoundedly, "Oh righttttt,"
The Uchiha kid facepalmed in disbelief. "We're pretty fucked, aren't we?"
Uzumaki got up and stretched his one good arm, before answering "No doubt, but I wouldn't have had it any other way."
"Preach that." Sasuke gave a thumbs up in approval.
Naruto waited a second before turning back to face Sasuke, "you think our kids are gonna be as bullheaded, stubborn, and stupid as we were?"
"For the sake of this village, I hope not,"
Naruto inquired for a second before following up, "I mean we'll be better parents, right?"
"As least they have parents." Sasuke said back, seriously.
"Yeah, for real. Fuck, I could use some sake right now," Naruto said, stumbling on his own feet.
"I was thinking the same thing!" Sasuke said emphatically, pulling himself up.
"Let's go head back before someone comes looking for us." Naruto helped pull Sasuke up. "Which way is my village again?"
"Your village, whoa, look at you now,"
Naruto smiled back at his friend before sticking his arm out for a fist bump "For old times sake,"
Sasuke eyed Naruto up and down, waiting a second. "Of course, bro"
*fist bump*
As the two rivals started walking back, Naruto asked "So who won?"
"I think we both lost today,"
They both laugh, content with the outcome.
Naruto thought to himself before speaking again "This kinda gave some closure to us, right?"
Sasuke nodded in agreement, "Wouldn't want to have been brutally mutilated by anyone else," before grinning.
Naruto stopped walking along the path. In confusion, Sasuke turned back towards Naruto "What's the matter?" Naruto simply gazed at Sasuke, deep in thought. He's tripping his balls off right now.
Naruto confirmed Sasuke's hypothesis, saying "Dude, I'm so fucking gone. I just had the craziest realization," Naruto paused before looking down at his hand, "what if we're just the product of some person's imagination, and we're actually just cartoon characters in a Manga or TV Series?"
Sasuke looked at him, dumbfounded. "You're a fucking retard. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard."
Naruto ran up to Sasuke, trying to plead his case "But think about it, we never really remember the little routines and shits we do when we're not fighting or doing some wild training bullshit."
"That's all you ever do, fuck you talking about?" Sasuke questioned the Uzumaki clan head.
"Dude, everything looks like we're in an anime right now, I'm being serious!"
"I think you may have smoked too much, Naruto. Let's go home."
Naruto reluctantly followed Sasuke, "You're right, my bad."
"Yeah, I know."
Once both shinobi made it back to Konoha, it was nightfall. Naruto and Sasuke were both sitting on the roof of the Hokage's office, staring at the new statue faces featured on the cliffside.
Naruto started up again, "But seriously, hear me out. What if this universe is just one of potentially an infinite amount, where in each one it's the same set of people, essentially, but just in different timelines, settings, or environments? Would that not be crazy as fuck?"
Sasuke didn't even bother to put in the energy to look at Naruto in the face, "You still talking about this bullshit?"
"Fuck you, I think it's an interesting idea to have," Naruto gazed up at the stars, "like what is Shikamaru doing right now?"
"Probably fucking Temari,"
"Mmm, you think?" Naruto said puzzled.
"If he isn't, he's working on it," the Uchiha kid said bluntly.
"Fair enough." Naruto finished.
Sasuke stood up from the roof, motioning to leave soon, before he spoke, "Though I do suppose it would be interesting if you were right,"
Naruto looked up at his friend, looking at him with a knowing gesture, "I know right! What if someone just decided to do a series of short stories and shit about them or whatever."
"That's hardly an original idea, I'm sure plenty of other people have thought and done that before."
"It's just…I don't know man, I get the urge to record these thoughts when I think of them, if not for anyone else then just myself."
"So do it then, you're just stalling otherwise. Why are we even having this fucking conversation?" Sasuke says back, placing his hand on his temple, which is starting to ache from the ideas that Naruto was spitting out.
"Exactly man!"
"I think you're losing too much blood, let's head to the hospital," Sasuke pulls his friend of the roof, and they start heading their way to the ER.
As they make their way across Konoha, Naruto stares to daze in and out of his consciousness. He tries to fight the strong sleeping sensation that's putting him under a spell, but he can't resist it. Eventually, it sucks him in, and he falls in a deep and heavy sleep.
…
"BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!"
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!
Naruto bangs his fist on the alarm, which based on the sound was right next to him, wherever he was, and broke the alarm soundly, earning a dead little 'beeeeeppp' sound.
Naruto rubbed his eyes before sitting up in his bed. Funny, it wasn't quite as comfortable as he had remembered it being. He was also surprised to not have been strucking with the typically overwhelming amount of natural light that hits him in the face from his and Hinata's bedroom window. But as he looked around, he was in dismay of what he saw. The room was dark and small, with stuff laying messily everywhere.
"You finally up?" said an unfamiliar voice off to the distance. Naruto turned to see a red head chick he had seen before but forgot where. Naruto stared at the chick; she was in a thong and putting on her bra in front of a mirror. She turned around, facing me, prompting me to look down.
The woman spoke again, "You don't have to look away or hide that you're looking. It's already been a couple weeks."
"Who-who are you?"
The woman just stared at him again, "You really are a fucking idiot sometimes, aren't you? Now hurry up before you're late for your Game Theory class." What?
Naruto looked down at his arms before gasping, both his arms were intact! What the fuck!
So there's the first chapter, let me know what you thought of it, and what your opinions were on that turn that the oneshot took at the end? I'm curious as to what you guys thought.