Author's Notes: Okay, so this is something I wrote when I really should have been studying for my finals in two days. Not to mention doing my take-home final and paper re-write for Asian American Studies. But it's always nice to know what my priorities are, huh?
Summary: They are poor substitutes for what they've both lost. Rated M.
Disclaimer: I don't own. *Weeps*
o.O.o
Attrition
o.O.o
And his voice is velvet to his ears, sliding over his skin like butter. But he knows his words, beautiful heartbreaking words, are as hollow as the delicate bones of a baby bird, fragile.
For the moment, Roxas doesn't care, just relishes in the feel of Riku's hands sliding down his sweat slickened chest, the feel of Riku's lips on his. He knows Riku is only being gentle because he is pretending, Roxas is another, if you can call that pretending because it seems pretty real, someone else very gone but not forgotten.
And when they are done, when Riku is cradling Roxas' head in his arms, absentmindedly kissing the bedhead of blond hair, he mistakenly calls him by the Other's name.
Roxas feels his heart breaking all the more.
But it isn't because it hurts him to know Riku will never love him the way that he loved his brother, though that hurts a lot too.
It hurts so much because it just reminds him, again and again, that his brother is gone and he isn't coming back. That he is virtually alone in the world except for his twin's old boyfriend who often gets confused over who is really before him, over who is really in his arms. That he betrayed his brother and best friend and he will never even know it, and he just can't stop doing it over and over again.
Roxas knows he can't be too picky though, you can't pick who you fall in love with after all, so he just reaches up and runs pale fingers through silver hair, knowing that Riku is probably pretending, thinking, that it was tan fingers massaging his scalp and brushing the loose strands of hair from his eyes.
o.O.o
Riku and Roxas were together when they first found out about Sora. Roxas had been watching the myriad of expressions on the older boy's face as he sucked him off; pleasure and pain and pure bliss, and oh god more, again. Riku's arms had gone under Roxas' arms to pull the blond up to him when Roxas' cell went off.
It was his older brother Demyx. His voice was borderline hysterical and Roxas immediately knew something was wrong, just fucking knew.
He remembered yelling at Demyx, screaming at him to tell him just what the fuck was going on? But Demyx had started crying then, loud, sobering sobs that caused Roxas to mutely apologize and mentally kick himself.
Roxas felt Riku's eyes on him as he talked on the phone, but he ignored him, asking Demyx if he could please just put Zexion on the phone so he could actually find out what was going on. Dem had mumbled something that had vaguely resembled a yes.
A moment later, Zexion's typically clinical, sterile voice came on the phone, but the of sheer uneasiness in the pit of Roxas' stomach only amplified as he detected the utter despair in his brother's boyfriend's voice.
He heard Zexion murmur some kind of words of reassurance to Demyx before he said, "Roxas, there has been an accident. Sora was hurt and it doesn't look good. The doctors don't think he will make it."
o.O.o
"Hey Roxas, it's your brother. Again. I was just wondering if you were still at Riku's. If you are, you two should come to dinner at Cloud's tomorrow night. Don't worry, Leon's cooking, so it should be safe. If you can't make it, just stop by sometime, okay? I-I really miss you, little brother. Bye, and please please please come to dinner tomorrow, okay?"
"Roxas, it's Cloud. I know Dem already called you, but he said you didn't call him back. You will be at dinner tonight, even if it means I have to find you and drag you here myself. I'll see you later then. Bye."
"Roxas. It's Zexion. Dinner started over an hour ago and you still have not shown up. The very next time I see you, we shall be having my words. I look forward to it. Hope you do."
There were more messages on Roxas' phone, but he deleted those without even listening to them. For good measure, he turned his phone off again and placed on the bedside table.
Riku walked into the room a moment later, a white towel hung low on his hips and hair damp and hanging straight. Roxas didn't need to take note of the way his breath caught in his throat, didn't need to speculate over the way he could feel his pulse speeding up just from looking at the boy.
And Roxas wished he could stop loving him, wished he hadn't loved him since the very day Sora first brought him home, sometimes wished he had never acted on that love/lust/longing.
But there Riku was, kneeling over him in the bed less than a moment later, his grip strong on Roxas' naked hips, lips possessive on his neck.
As Riku took him, Roxas sometimes wished he could tell the other boy no. Sometimes he wished he just didn't love him so much because it made him feel ugly and dirty and tenfold words that could think of to describe the filth that inhabited the world that he classified himself amongst.
But Riku knew him well when he seemed to remember exactly who it was he was making love to, and he knew exactly what it was that Roxas was thinking. "Roxas," he said quietly in the blond's ear, "Roxas, whatever ugly thoughts you're thinking right now, just stop it. No amount of thinking can bring him back, we both know that. And there is no use dwelling over the past, because we can't change it, just give ourselves headaches over thinking about it too long.
Roxas could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, could feel the beginning of liquid trail it made as it rolled down his cheek and dripped off his chin onto Riku's chest. Riku's arms tightened around him and he continued on. "We both fucked up when Sora was still here with us, we both know that. But we just have to move on, we just have to keep living and, maybe someday if we're lucky, we'll see him again and let him beat us up the way he should have had the chance to while he was alive."
Riku had said the same thing less than two nights ago. Last night he had mumbled Sora's name over and over until Roxas broke down in hysterics and had to leave for a few hours. When he had returned, Riku had been lying in bed staring straight at the ceiling, dried tear stains streaking down his cheeks. He had wordlessly gotten back into bed beside the older boy, waiting until he felt arms wrap themselves around him and heard a whispered, "I'm sorry, Roxas," in his ear.
Riku said more but, at that point, Roxas was beyond listening.
As the tears continued to stream down his face, he knew that tomorrow there would be more unanswered messages on his phone. And briefly, he wondered who Riku would think him to be then.
The End.
o.O.o