Choices & Consequences

That was the very first time he ever felt that way. Depressed, intensely depressed.

Back on Whale Island after two crazy years of great adventures, Gon Freecss was already hitting rock bottom. It had been three days – and three nights – since one of the world's youngest Pro Hunters had not left his bedroom, where he remained locked up to keep his family away from his own sorrow. Aunt Mito had already tried to bring him out of isolation, with ancient techniques like luring him out using the divine smell of one of these delicious dishes she used to would cook for him, in his younger years, to cheer him up when sadness overcame him. It was a far better tactical choice than just reprimanding him…or having him complete four semesters' worth of schoolwork while he was gone adventuring as a Hunter, with enough math exercises in supply to turn his head into a steam train for eternity.

This time however, Gon did not move an inch. He didn't even bother responding to his adoptive mother, despite all the constant coming-and-going of her hand knocking on the door.

She had tried, but to no avail. Aunt Mito couldn't do anything else but go back down the stairs, with a heavy heart, carrying a plate of cooling spaghetti that would end up in the wrong stomach.

Gon would not come out. He had nowhere to go, for anywhere he would, his life would never be the same.

The world's most famous boy with long spiky black hair and wearing a green outfit had no more reason to be. He had lost his nen and his perception of it. Despite several unsuccessful attempts, he was never able to recover it. Without his powers, he was worthless, neither was his Hunter card. Gon had nothing but his lucid mind left, always here to remind him all the time that he could only blame himself. He had made this decision. This contract. Sacrificing everything, including his own life, in order to defeat Neferpitou and avenger his mentor's death, Kite, thinking that he would soon rejoin him in the Hereafter. He had chosen this path.

But never had he thought that he would survive and live with the consequences of his choices.

Henceforth, he had lost everything. His job as a Hunter, that he could no longer practice without his command of nen. All the fruits of his efforts and hard training, annihilated on a single whim. His friends, Kurapika and Leolio, both gone on an expedition to the Dark Continent without him, as he now completely lacked the ability to survive such a mission. His pride, reduced to nothing after he became a "normal" human being again. His legend, forever trapped in the past.

He had lost his reason to live…at least one of them. He had another one, and it bore the name of the former assassin Gon had helped turn into a better person.

Killua Zoldyck.

His former partner – and best friend – was gone on his own journey. Killua was out traveling the world with Alluka, his younger sister, to show her around. It was now his turn to offer a better life to a loved one, after dragging her out of her murderous family's grasp. And behind him, without turning back, he had left someone whose feelings for him were far more complicated than he could possibly imagine. Gon loved him. It was more than just friendship. And once again, it was already too late when Gon finally realized that his choices had consequences. Choices like not sharing his feelings in time.

Or so he thought.

- Gon! his aunt called. You've got company.

The boy didn't react, until he heard a familiar footstep sound. Someone was climbing the stairs and he perfectly knew who it was.

- Hey Gon!

Killua entered the room. Much to his surprise, it was spotlessly clean. Gon hadn't untidied anything since he had shut himself up. Only Gon himself wasn't in the right place, sat in the middle of the room, on the floor.

- Why the long face? Killua shouted. Aren't you happy to see me?

Gon closed his eyes, with enough might to hold back a flooded river worth of tears. His only reply was in the form of a shameful downward nodding.

- I guess that answers my question, Killua lamented in a lengthy sigh. So be it, I'll get straight to the point.

It was at this moment that the boy, all dressed in shades of purple, whose hair were as electric white as his eyes in Godspeed mod, sat down in front of Gon, pulled out his phone and scrolled down the list of his personal contacts. And on his touch screen, he displayed the latest message received from one very particular phone number. Gon's number.

- Just explain me that. Now.

Gon had no choice but to raise his head. When he saw the said message on the screen, his eyes were wide open.

/****\

Gon Freecss (1 new).

Hi Killua,

Sorry for such a long message, but I had to tell you something.

For the last two years, we've been through amazing things. We became Hunters, lived some crazy adventures, risked our lives and faced terrible threats. It was so great! Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm so sad that we parted ways. When I first met you, I knew that we would grow very close. You even became my best friend.

But after all this time together, I believe I finally understood something. And this one thing…is that I love you. Not only out of friendship. Yes Killua, I think I'm in love…with you. Sounds weird, right? But that's how it goes and I can't do anything about it.

That's the least I could say to you. It was impossible for me to tell you that before, I was afraid you might feel offended and reject me. I didn't want to hurt you, to…lose you! But you're not here anymore and I feel like…it's already too late. Therefore, I have nothing to lose coming out to you.

Killua…I'm sorry.

Sorry for all the things I've said to you, really. I was ready to die killing Neferpitou, but in my anger, I did and said terrible things that were unworthy of me. And I didn't think about you, about how it might affect you. I've been…unworthy of you, of your friendship…and even other things.

But I still wanted to tell you anyway. Even though you're gone, probably because of me…I had to.

Forgive me, Killua.

I love you.

Sent 2 months ago.

\****/

Killua was still there, squeezing the phone in his hand. Same strict face, same surly eyes.

- Answer me, Gon! he insisted. What was that?

Killua's look remained unfathomable. Was it made of ice? Or snow? Gon's look, however, instantly disappeared under his eyelids, which closed as his head was falling back down toward the floor.

- The truth, Gon muttered at a slow pace.

- The truth?

- Yes, the truth.

Killua sighed. Again. A fly flew through the room. 100% silence.

- Is that all you have to say? Killua lashed out.

One first tear appeared on Gon's face.

- If you came here just to scold me, you shouldn't have. Aunt Mito does it very well and I believe you've got better things to do…

Killua's face became irritated. Once again, it was hard to know what it was made of. The former assassin had always been an expert at hiding what was not to be seen, but he was clearly feeling uncomfortable, to such an extent that he had forgotten everything.

"What the hell are you saying, Killua?!" He thought, hiccupping nervously. "You really suck at it, stupid! Damnit, I don't even know what I should tell Gon, now…"

- Listen Killua, Gon resumed, I'd like to get straight to the point as well. All the things I wrote in this message were true. All of it. I meant it, really. But if you took it badly, I understand. Please, forgive me. That's all I can do. Apologizing…

Other tears followed the first one. A flock of tears turning into a steam.

- Gon…

- It's not mutual, I know it.

Killua gasped in surprise.

« Is that what he believes ?! he thought, obviously angry. »

Killua was ready to speak out again, but his lips remained shut. He was done talking. At least, not with his mouth. His fingers took over, grabbing his phone once again and writing a message. The tip of his forefinger coldly pressed the "send" key.

Right after that, he got up rigidly.

- I must leave now, Gon, he announced with a rare level of bluntness. Alluka's waiting for me outside and I've got serious business to attend to. See you later.

Without properly saying goodbye to his friend, he stormed out of the bedroom in a gloomy draft like he was leaving a crime scene, slamming the door behind. Heavy footsteps could then be heard, hurtling down the stairs at a fast pace. Trying to catch up with him would have been vain. Gon felt his entire body shaking like a leaf. He fell on the floor, nearly breaking his back. And from his sparkling eyes, a dreadful sorrow burst. He screamed in pain and cried, for long dreadful minutes, intensely enough to get dehydrated at a record-breaking speed.

His second, and last reason to live had just died. So had his last hope.

He cried again. And in an unprecedented fit of against himself, so typical of the self-destructive behavior that had led to his predicament and imminent downfall, he gesticulated in the manner of an abandoned dog left stranded on a leash and wiggled furiously like a madman on his asylum bed.

- And that's how pathetic you can be, Gon! As usual! he vociferated, knocking his own head against the floor. You idiot! Idiot, idiot, idiot! That's what he always said about you and he was right! You're nothing but an idiot, Gon! You should never have said that to him, you should never have sent him this message! At least, he could have remained your friend! What the hell were you thinking?! It's never gonna work, not after all the pain you put him through. He would never have wanted to be anything but your friend…and you wasted it all! This is all your fault!

His own sobbing interrupted him, cutting his breath. He waited until he could catch it back, and resumed with greater intensity.

- That's always the same with you, Gon Freecss ! He yelled again. You always want more than what you already have. You sacrificed your own nen and future as a Hunter to take a single life out of vengeance, and you're feeling depressed like a spoiled brat because you desperately want to get them back anyway! You've had the chance to have an extraordinary friend, and you wish you would get even closer to you? That's a real shame, Gon. You don't have what it takes to take responsibility for your behavior…you're too much of a coward to accept it!

His fit didn't last long. He got back on his feet, wiping his red face and wet eyes clean. It was time he got a grip.

- Snap out of it, Gon! You have to calm down, go find him, apologize sincerely…and get it done. For his own good, you can't see him anymore. I…I can't. He deserves better…and…

Gon suddenly came to a stop in the middle of his sentence in a dramatic way, like a blade was aiming at his heart life-threateningly. He felt the whole weight of a strange, frighteningly-depressed eye looking daggers at him from afar. He couldn't say how vicious, hateful, dark or saddened it was; too confusing. A look of incredible depth, furtive like the air but vivid like the wind. Someone was watching him.

- K-Killua?! Are you still here? W-wait!

Gon rushed out of his bedroom, ran down the stairs at the speed of lightning, conducted a full search of the house in the minutest details and glanced through each window with his radar eyes. Nobody inside, nobody outside. Nobody but his aunt. In a snap of the finger, the strange sensation also disappeared. There really wasn't anybody. Killua was definitively gone.

"It's…all over."

More devastated than ever, Gon went back to his den. His eyes were ready for another monsoon that wouldn't end anytime soon. He felt empty. He was empty.

His bedroom was not.

- What the heck?!

For a split second, Gon couldn't believe it. That was until his quick-witted mind remembered that he was facing an architect of stealth, an elite among the elites. Killua had all the required skills to disappear at will…and reappearing after making people believe he had. The boy had removed himself from the visible world by shielding his elastic body behind the bedroom door, awaiting Gon's predictable bursting out after him to sneak in without notice.

Killua was now sat in Gon's place, doing penance in the middle of the room, his broken neck and his face eaten away. Roles were reversed. Gon glared at him with perplexes eyes. He didn't even take the time to wipe them this time; the emotional performance in front of him was too much of a surprise and he stood still. His friend was imitating him.

- Are…you crying?!

- Sit down, Gon.

- But…

Gon was once again interrupted. The culprit was the sound of a ringtone. From his phone.

He had just received a message with an enclosed document, the same Killua had sent him before taking his leave. Gon didn't initially understand why he was only receiving it now. The internet connection had never been good on Whale Island, but never that bad neither. It was only when Gon finally focused his whole attention on his friend, while watching out for further explanations in body language, that he noticed the bluish light at his fingertips. Killua had purposely used his electricity-wielding power to disturb the connection.

Gon was to receive this message only at this moment, in this precise situation.

- Read it, Gon.

- Err…

- Do it for me, please.

Gon didn't object any longer, sat cross-legged facing Killua and started the reading of the attached document. A video, shot at a very familiar location and featuring a very familiar actor.

Killua was crying on the ground. A very special ground, as Gon almost instantly recognized the greyish cobblestones covering the path leading to the World Tree. Killua drew the viewer's attention to the foreground. Behind him stood the access gates. And far behind, in the background, a human shadow was shrinking as it gradually walked away toward the remote shape of the World Tree. Gon's shadow, unintendedly ignoring that right behind it, someone was mourning his departure. Gon had always thought that Killua had left him without cracking. He was way off the mark. Instead, he heard his friend crying aloud, with the same pitiful but endearing voice. It was exactly the same song of pain, but out in the open instead of between the walls of a bedroom.

Gon read and reread this extract from the video. One time, twice, three times. Stupefaction caused his face to swell, his eyes grew twice their size, a grimace of sadness torn his cheeks apart and a sudden quake shook his lips. Restarting the video for the 4th time, Gon decided to read it entirely. That was when, a few seconds before the video stopped, a slightly familiar voice spoke and broke this emotional cycle.

- Do you think we should show this to Gon, one day?

Alluka was talking, all while filming.

The video ended when Killua got back up, ran to Alluka and grabbed the camera to switch it off. With great anxiety, Gon pictured in his mind the moment when he'd see and hear his friend's sister having her wrist slapped for filming him in such a moment. It didn't happen.

- I'll have to, a moaning Killua admitted. Otherwise, I don't deserve to see him again! he added, his eyes so close to the camera he could almost watch Gon through it. I won't deserve to see you again, my friend…not until I show you that!

The video was over. Gon dropped his phone, which fell on the floor. He looked at Killua again, without saying a world. He was speechless.

- Who's the coward, now? mumbled the video's main actor, his face red in shame.

- Gon, he said, you really had what it took. You've been courageous, enough to confess about how you felt for in that message you sent. But I didn't…

He sniffed, his voice reaching high-pitched tones.

- Killua, listen…

- No, you listen to me! Killua interrupted him. I don't ever want to hear you treating yourself a coward, got it? You deserve better!

- You two, Killua.

- No, I don't. I don't deserve no love from you, Gon!

Gon took it as a challenge. He accepted it.

- That's what we'll see! he declared.

Killua had no time to react. Gon jumped all over him and landed right into his arms.

- G-Gon!

Their two faces turned deep-red. Gon burst into tears, all while holding his best friend close to his chest so as to perform direct heart-to-heart love transplant. His left arm wrapped around Killua's back, and the five fingers of his left hand got tangled up in his friend's hair, blocking his head from chin to cheekbone in the crook of Gon's right shoulder.

- I love you, Killua ! he cried his heart out. I love you so much! I should have told you from the beginning! I should have told you! I'm…so sorry…

Gon tightened his grip. Killua was on the verge of suffocating, but he didn't say anything. Choking on love was not so unpleasant. His robust arms, two beautiful limbs already shaped by years of bodybuilding and hugging practice with Alluka, performed a concentric dance around Gon's waist. In a split second, the strength of his embrace became equal to Gon's own. There was no way Killua would be the only one suffocating.

- I love you too, Gon. Will you ever forgive me for never telling you? And for leaving you?

- Not before you do it for me. Forgive me, Killua. Forgive me until you think it's ok to never leave me again.

For the first time, Killua laughed.

- I think we have a deal.

There were no other words. Only sincere love exchanges, hot tears, kisses on each other's cheeks, hugs and near-broken ribs. Time froze, erasing all these eyes of unsaid things, bitterness and guilt. Their love was so intense that Killua inadvertently reactivated his nen, for a short while, like he wished to extend his own body as far as possible to enjoy Gon's affection to the fullest. In the heat of the action, the pressure he unconsciously applied on his friend's body became so hard that Gon felt a strange sensation.

Something was opening in his back, spreading through all the layers of his skin.

"My nen! Is it…coming back to life?! How…"

A gleaming aura appeared around him, for a brief moment of time. It went away almost as quickly, as Gon's crying was consuming far too much body energy to allow him to keep it awake. But still, it was a good start.

"Unbelievable!" Killua thought. "He's recovering his nen…thanks to me and what I feel for?! I see. Well, I'm definitely not stopping now!"

He tightened his grip in turn, swearing to himself that he would never let go. Their hug could have last forever, had another third person not started jeering gleefully while spying on them.

- Alluka !

Killua's hand slightly pushed Gon with careful tenderness, and his blushing face moved away from Gon's shoulder, glaring at his sister. He winced in embarrassment.

- Are you spying again?! Killua shouted out. Don't tell me you got that!

Alluka burst into laughter, barely holding in place. Feeling a bit shy but highly satisfied with her misdeed, she wore the typical family-style catlike feature.

- Sorry big brother, but I couldn't help myself!

Killua had no time to retort; there was a breach in his defense and Gon would not miss such an opportunity. His lips ended up stuck on Killua's in a short-lived, but passionate kiss. Taken by surprise, Killua remained stoic, for a couple of seconds, until his face contorted with awkwardness.

- Are you serious? Don't do that again, stupid! That's so embarrassing!

Keeping his chin up, Gon laughed as foolishly as Alluka did, sticking his tongue out and scratching the back of his hair. No matter the consequences, he was successful.

- Sorry my friend, but I couldn't help myself! he jested happily, sending out his most knocking eye to Alluka.

Killua felt so disconcerted that he crossed his arms and pouted like a child. Succumbing to the deadly level of cuteness emanating from his sweet grumpy face, Gon gazed upon him in the same manner as a parent getting ready to coddle his little cherub. He couldn't see it, but Killua was inconspicuously licking his own lips.

"It was not that bad, actually…Nice taste!"

He looked right into Gon's eyes, obviously impatient.

"What are you waiting for, you idiot? You better do that again! "

Gon got the message well and didn't need to be asked twice. Killua didn't resist, this time. Alluka wasn't going to not miss a thing, but she encountered a technical issue.

"Dang it, battery's out!"

She felt disappointed, but nonetheless happy to see both boys back together for good. She put the camera away and shut the door behind her.

"I better leave them alone", she decided. "It was time they found each other again!"

The End.