Translation of one of my texts, don't hesitate to leave a review !
Takes place just after the first Deadpool movie.
-.-.-.
The thing with the happy ending in movies is that they are lies. Well, not lies-lies, but still. The little dog escapes from the pound to join his friends at sunset. The handsome hero and the big-hearted prostitute kiss each other and everything is perfect.
Black screen.
The End.
But that's never really the end. What happens after the black screen? Maybe the little dog discovers that freedom is also being racketeered by Dobermans and that sleeping under the bridges is less romantic when you have to share the place with a hundred fucking Dalmatians on the run. Maybe he has to beg for hot dog pieces and have to pass half of them to the rottweiler around the corner.
The happy movie ends do not exist. There is always an after, and it can be nice, but never perfect. Life is a bitch who likes to bite you hard in the balls.
In retrospect, Deadpool should have known that life would not be a path of roses for him now that he had finally killed Francis and that Vanessa had accepted wonderfully the revelation of his new physique. At that time, he was too busy thinking about her breasts and butt to worry about the future.
They stay three whole days in bed to gorge themselves on sex and cold pizzas.
The afternoon of the fourth day, the fridge is empty and Vanessa have a migraine.
"Wade, you know I love you and I'd love a whole week of sex with you but …"
"But?"
"Now I need four things: to eat something other than pizza, to take a shower, some medication and, to be quite frank, to see you dressed in something other than a Captain America slip or red spandex, even if they are deliciously skinny."
"Understood. I'll go shopping, change my underpants and see if there is a job that pays at Sister Margaret."
A quick kiss in the corner of his mouth and he forces himself to get up and get dressed, while Vanessa sinks even deeper under the quilt and the pillows. As Wade prepares to leave the room, she calls him back.
"We'll have to plan this week in bed. "
When Wade returns with a cargo of burgers big enough to feed a regiment, medication and two very tempting job offers, the night has already fallen, the apartment tidied, the sheets changed and Vanessa back to bed, asleep in a tiny nightie, obviously new. In silence, Wade drops two tablets and a glass of water on the bedside table and then settle in turn next to her.
"Nice dye," he mutters, pulling her hair aside and kissing her neck.
Vanessa's sleeping response is stifled by the pillow.
The next day, he opens his eyes to contemplate Vanessa's dreamy body and she smiles at him sleepily. A perfect morning.
Except that Vanessa is ... blue. For the first time in his life, Wade does not know what to say.
"Honey, you have blue here."
He points to the corner of Vanessa's lip while mentally berating himself for his awful reply. To his relief, Vanessa is no more original when she sees her blue hand and she falls from the bed screaming before leaving the room running.
Ten minutes later, she comes out of the bathroom, skin still blue and hair now white and Wade thinks: there are no happy ends.
Vanessa puts her hand on his knee.
"Hey, it's not your fault."
"It looks like it is. This is Francis? He did something to you while you were his prisoner. It's my fault."
She rolls her eyes.
"Why do men always have to carry the burden of the world on their shoulders?"
"Hey, I'm a superhero, even if my tv-tropes pages call me anti-villain or anti-hero. That's our thing, we feel guilty."
"Okay, you're guilty," shout Vanessa. "You can stay alone with your guilt if you love it so much!"
Angry, she leaves the apartment by slamming the door. A minute later, she returns with her head down.
"I am naked and blue," she sighs as she collapses on her bed. "What am I going to do with my life now?"
"At least you do not look like that," whispered Wade, pointing to his face.
Vanessa goes livid.
"Oh my god, how can I complain? Sorry! It's just that ... I have a job that I love, I do not want to become a freakshow that attracts only the worst clients. But I am blue."
"Well, first we stop panicking. You are blue. Can you change the colour?"
"I tried to go back to normal! But it did nothing."
"And if you do not try to go back and you just try to be different ?"
Vanessa frowns and focuses. Her skin turns brown, her hair green.
"Métamorph," whispers Wade, fascinated. "Someone finally listened to my suggestions an integrated more elements of my comics."
"What?"
"Nothing nothing. Do you know what we need? A good film montage music - I'd say Pretty Woman, but in a totally ironic way, and test these powers. "
Vanessa slaps him. It's his only answer before she locks herself in the bathroom.
Wade drags himself for two days in the apartment before going out. He doesn't want to, but he lived that before, the difficulty to accept himself. He knows he cannot help Vanessa, only she can. In the meantime, he does small jobs that allow him to kill his frustration by killing people in a violent enough way to deserve a rating M. The tripes fly, the blood spurts, Deadpool gloats to be able to release his katana again - sex is good, gratuitous violence too -. His katana love the show of ugly fools' guts. In the evening, he sits in front of the half-open bathroom door, giving pizza slices to Vanessa while removing brain debris from his suit.
After a week, Vanessa finally comes out, skin still blue, but a small smile on her lips.
"Very well. What's on your list?"
"My list?"
"Wade, I just spent eight days moping in this bathroom. I know you, I know how you have fun when you're bored. You have obviously made a list."
Shuddering with anticipation, Wade pulls out of his uniform a paper crumpled and stained with blood.
"Now that you mention it..."
The list is long, have been crossed-out many times and covered with annotations. Vanessa laughs as she reads it.
"What do you say? Everything is negotiable, except article 3. It is absolutely necessary that you imitate Morena Baccarin as Inara. She's just the sexiest actress in the world and Firefly should never have been cancelled."
"I say that I have some adjustments, corrections and veto to put on this list. And that we are Sunday. We have just enough time to prepare."
On Monday morning, Nathalie Portman is seen visiting the most upscale stores in the city, followed by a man in a red tracksuit carrying a huge radio on his shoulder. The man stops in front of each shop where the actress enters, and the radio broadcasts the song Pretty Woman in a loop while Nathalie Portman tries dozens of clothes without buying anything, a big smile on her lips.
On Monday afternoon, Sarah Palin is filmed in a bar, dancing in a mini dress on a Cher song while a man hiding his face whistles her happily near the jukebox. Before leaving, she kicks the balls of a regular bar and makes him collapse on the ground. "It will teach him not to pay the prostitutes," she explains to his wife. "And if I was you, I'll divorce him. This guy is barely able to keep his small dick up."
On Monday night, Cher offers a blowjob to a Deadpool positively thrilled.
On Tuesday, Vanessa is Judy Garland when she serves breakfast in bed at Wade but becomes Sylvester Stalone when Wade cannot open the jar of jam. She is Princess Leia when Wade varnishes her toenails. When they go shopping, John Lennon rings at every door in the same street to announce his resurrection.
On Tuesday night, as they watch Princess Bride, she alternately becomes each character to recite her favourite lines along with the characters and Wade. He tries to smother him under his pillow screaming about cheating and unfair competition.
On Wednesday morning, the Queen of England makes a surprise appearance in all the shabby bars of the city and orders that Wade Wilson's debts be cancelled.
On Wednesday afternoon, Donald Trump walks around the town, brandishing a sign "Abortion has saved my future. Choose is a right for women" everywhere in the city, responding in a good mood to the journalists and taking the opportunity to remind them of his commitment to other important causes, such as the protection of baby seals, research against hair loss and the right to pension and social help for prostitutes.
"It's a cause we forgot and we should not," he told a stunned Fox News presenter. "We must offer them more protection. Prostitutes are the glory of our country. How many prostitutes die because of their clients and the police doing nothing? This is a major cause; it's my cause and it's a shame that the Democrats did not worry about it more. What are you waiting for Hillary? I often go to prostitutes and I like them a lot. I know they work hard and are underestimated. We must help them."
On Wednesday night, Trump begins a striptease in a small shabby apartment but is forced to stop. Vanessa collapses on her bed, laughing to tears as Wade pretends to vomit loudly in the bedside lamp. They spend the evening in bed eating ice cream.
On Thursday, Batman indulges in sexual games with a scarred Robin. After his first orgasm, Gotham's hero kisses his partner.
"Okay, you were right," he says in that voice that terrifies Gotham's criminals. Gay sex is fantastic.
"Oh Bruce, let me give you a blowjob", sighs Robin, wriggling on the bed.
"Okay. But after that, we return to fight crime. Gotham does not wait."
They stay in bed all day. They go out to eat outside at night, only to ventilate the apartment, which begins to smell too strong for them.
Friday, at dawn, Serena Williams forces Wade to accompany her in her daily jogging and watch him sweat as he tries to follow. At 10 am, Vanessa surfs the internet to watch videos of high-level gymnasts and invents three new positions for the Kamasutra. At noon, she discovers that cooking while singing is a lot more fun when your vocal cords change and make sure you never sing in a kestrel voice.
On Friday afternoon, Vanessa takes a nap while Wade watches over the cooking pot and writes the script of very nasty scenes describing the Avengers in action.
On Friday night, the Black Widow rides a Wade Wilson wearing Captain America pyjamas while reciting the script abandoned at the corner of the table and adding her own questionable jokes.
She gently slaps her hand on Wade's skin when he reaches orgasm.
On Saturdays, they do not open the curtains or the door and Vanessa stays herself all day, blue skin and white hair in total nudity.
On Sunday, Wade is awakened by a hand that creeps into his pants.
"It's Sunday," Vanessa whispers. "I am a genius and I will grant you three wishes today. Ask, and you will be granted what you want."
"It's Christmas and Hanukah together," sighs Wade, kissing him.
"So? What do you want?"
Wade whispers in her ear his first request. Vanessa laughs and goes through her closet to find her most transparent dressing gown. She also takes some veils and scarves.
"And now Captain Reynolds, Inarra Serra will interpret her personal version of the Dance of the Seven Veils!"
She dances, she flirts, she shows off under the whistles and sighs of admiration Wade is making. Finally, she collapses at his side and kisses him on the tip of his nose.
"Satisfied?"
Wade can only nod. His throat is still dry and his sex more than half erect. Vanessa pushes it slightly.
"What do we do with that?"
"Well ... If you could become tall, male, muscular, with white hair, a metal arm and smell like grease and heroism …"
"I would make you the happiest of men?", replied a much more serious voice.
"Oh, that's wonderful. A little more serious voice, wider shoulders and a jaw more square and it will be perfect. You understand, I fantasize about it since my second movie is announced and I want Cable to be in, I want you to be in, I want us all to fuck like rabbits for thirty minutes and in 3D and I'll have to wait at least two years and there's no way that the Fox is brave enough to show that so …"
"You're crazy," Vanessa said in disbelief before kissing her. "I love you. And the third favour? I want to know if I give everything now or if I keep energy for later."
"The third favour? Just you, and how you want it."
The thing with the happy ends is that sometimes, they really happen. Sometimes fate gives you a syrupy final and all the happiness - and sex - that you deserve. Sometimes. And even then ... It was not an end. Hardly a pose, almost a lie.