Note- The title of this fic comes from the Sheryl Crow song "I Shall Believe". The story takes place during season five episode nine titled "100."
No One Heals Me Like You
Chapter One
November 2009
He had to see her. Touch her. Hold her. Know she was still alive.
Derek didn't know what state he would find Penelope in when he went to her office after coming back from Hotch's house, where Haley's body lay dead on their bedroom floor. He didn't know if Penelope would be shut down or if she would be sobbing uncontrollably.
He felt numb- it was taking all his strength to just put one foot in front of another- until the moment he stepped into her office and spotted her. Then the floodgates opened and his pain burst free, blurring his vision and making his chest ache.
She lay on the couch in her office. Curled up in a ball. Her heels kicked off. A blanket thrown over her. Though he couldn't hear her crying now it had been hours since Haley died. When Penelope heard the bullet being fired into their friend she had cried then and probably for a long time after.
He had wanted to go to her right away but Hotch needed him. Now that Derek was here though he didn't plan to leave Penelope till he knew she was pulled together enough to make it through the night without crying herself to sleep. Of course there would be more tears for all of them but Derek hated thinking about his baby girl crying all alone at her apartment or in the arms of another man.
"Sweetheart," he whispered.
She reacted to the sound of his voice by sitting up. He walked closer to her and sunk to his knees in front of her couch. Her big brown eyes were filled with pain and loss. Disbelief and grief. He cupped her face in his hands and rested his forehead against hers.
Penelope's voice rattled with emotion and tears when she whimpered "She's gone."
"I know," he whispered back before pulling her into a tight hug.
For a long minute they just held each other. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and she clung tight to him, with her mouth brushing his ear. "Derek, please, stay with me tonight. I can't be alone right now."
He gently let go of her and looked in her eyes. "Why would you be alone? What about Lynch?"
Fresh pain flared into her eyes and she cried "I don't need Kevin right now! I need you! Please…..I need to know where you are tonight. To know you're safe. I don't want to talk about anything or try to make sense out of this because there is no sense to what happened today, to the pain Hotch is in, and to how empty I feel right this second. All I know is if you're with me tonight I won't have to worry about you too and I need that. I need to know you're really still alive. Please."
In a soothing tone he told her "Sure, baby, I'll stay with you."
Her eyes fell and she studied her hands. They were shaking.
Derek lifted her chin with one finger. "Hey…..I'm right here and nothing will take me away from you as long as you need me close by."
She motioned for him to sit on the couch. Once he did she hugged him again and held on for a long time. He stroked her hair and murmured in her ear "I'm here. I have you. I won't let go, baby girl. Shhhh. The worse is behind us now, I promise….I promise you that I won't let you go ever again."
I won't let you go ever again, repeated in his brain over and over while he held her. He just couldn't imagine letting another day go by where he lived his life not being able to kiss and caress this woman that he loved.
This needed to be the day when they turned a corner. The year where they got it all together. The time when they stopped avoiding falling into each other's loving arms. On days like these he was reminded, more than ever, that the world didn't make sense unless he was standing next to her or had her voice in his ear.
Derek didn't want to use Haley's death to force the issue of Penelope dumping Lynch but he wanted this to somehow bring them together. For the pain to be shared between them and their love to heal all the broken places in both of them.
This time he needed their love to be stronger than it ever was before.
(This year's love had better last.
-
Heaven knows,
its high time.
-
I've been waiting on my own too long.
-
But when you hold me like you do
feels so right….oh now.
-
Start to forget
how my heart gets torn
when that hurt gets thrown.
-
Feeling like I can't go on.
-
Turning circles
when time again.
cuts like a knife... oh, now.
-
If you love me
got to know for sure) (David Gray's This Year Love)
XXXXXXXXXX
Derek followed Penelope to her apartment. They met in the courtyard. In his eyes she saw a brief flash of pain as his eyes looked over her shoulder to the place where she once lay bleeding to near death.
He said "Its cold out here, baby. Lets get you inside, okay?"
She nodded. Once they were at her door she used her key to get it opened, walked inside and disabled the security alarm. Derek slowly walked in and got off his coat while Penelope locked the door and did the alarm again.
He looked all around the room and she saw pure pain and grief in his eyes.
Barely able to breath, or see for all the tears in her eyes, she took his hand and led him to the bedroom. "I don't know about you but I have such a migraine right now."
His hands went to her shoulders and he rubbed them for a minute. He helped her out of her coat. They both kicked off their shoes.
"Lay down and rest, sweetheart."
"Derek?"
He nodded, knowing she was asking him to lay with her. They got in the bed and she lay on her back, looking up at the ceiling. Fresh sobs escaped her mouth. She rolled away from Derek. He gently turned her back toward him and brought her face against his chest.
They stayed that way till they fell asleep.
(This year's love had better last.
This year's love had better last.
-
Cause who's to worry
if our hearts
get torn
when that hurt gets thrown?
-
Don't you know this life goes on?)