AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This was a short story I had written for the 2016 RarePairs-Shorts Fic Exchange Fest (rarepair-shorts . livejournal . com). The fest is long over and I can post this up here for you now. I have revised it here and there (just a few tweaks), so this is revision 2.0.

The fic is multi-chaptered, and I will post a new chapter up every few days until completed.

Gift for: "SLUMBER" (Evy) on Livejournal

My prompt: Pansy Parkinson x Cormac McLaggen, Post-Hogwarts, interesting/not-commonly-done jobs, banter. If you can incorporate Quidditch and maybe some nerdy sporty things about it, I'd love you all the more. I like characters to stay true to what we know of them in canon - yeah, they can mature, but Cormac was a pretty arrogant buffoon. I like my Slytherins with bite - not evil, but morally grey, naughty and mischievous and willing to play the system but not necessarily two-dimensional villains. I want to see them finding ways despite what's thrown at them because that's just how they are. As far as genre goes I'm into lighter stuff - close-to-gen, slow burn, fast hookup, romcom, comedy of errors, mysteries. PLOT: He's the target, she's the bait. Situations, genres, things, etc., you DON'T want: Torture/gore/angst aren't really my cuppa. I like sad things, but I prefer them more understated.

Thank you to Crystal, who ran this fest! It was so much fun participating!

Original version: 4 January, 2016

Revision 2.0: 1 January, 2017

DISCLAIMER:"Harry Potter" is the property of J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. This fanfiction was written entirely for fun, not for profit, and no copyright infringement is intended.

TIMELINE: Post-Hogwarts, EWE (December, 2015).

CHARACTERS FEATURED (alphabetical order, last name): Gabrielle Delacour, Cormac McLaggen, Pansy Parkinson, Harry Potter

RATING: Hard R

SUMMARY: Pansy's determined to prove she can detective a case as well as any Auror, despite the fact she's only a secretary in M.L.E. When a serial killer case comes up, she's determined to solve it…but to do so she'll be forced to interact with the worst killer (er, lady-killer) of them all: her ex-lover, Cormac McLaggen.

WARNINGS: Puns (I won't lie…there are a lot of them and they're mostly bad ones that will make you slap your forehead and roll your eyes...consider yourself warned), one small homage to "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" (can you spot it?), poking fun at cooking and Quidditch and studying for tests and sexual organs-you get the point, I think. Just basic silliness. Implied sex (off-screen). Cormac behaving...naughty.

OTHER NOTES:
Cause = French for "a legal case".
Célèbre = French for "famous".
A "cause célèbre" is a controversial issue that gains a great deal of public attention; often associated with controversial legal cases (like serial killings, for instance).
Béchamel = A classic French white sauce made with milk, bound with a cooked flour and butter mixture called a roux, flavored with bay leaves, nutmeg and sometimes onion.
'Meat and two veg' = Standard British fare – some sort of meat dish and two vegetable dishes. Also, a euphemism for a man's genitals.

Cause Célèbre

By: RZZMG

The newest find marked the eleventh in a row someone had been discovered murdered after partaking of a four-course meal fit for a king.

Eleven bodies in as many months. It was a pattern.

Hell, three had been, but no one had listened to Pansy when she'd pointed that out back in early April.

...But what did she know, as she was "just a secretary" in M.L.E., and not an Auror.

That was only because she hadn't been able to pass the written portion of the Auror test, because it's apparently of the utmost importance to be able to distinguish between a Bouncing Bulb and a Puffapod when capturing a curse-mad dark wizard.

Whatever.

Regardless of the nit-picky Ministry and its petty rules, the facts in the case were indisputable: every month so far this year, the culinary killer had struck, poisoning the sauces, coulis, gravies, and relishes of some of the finest meals the country had ever seen. The latest had contained Baneberry potion as the main ingredient; the purple tongue lolling from the victim's mouth had been the dead give-away.

Of course, the press was having a field day. They'd even dubbed the assassin with a deliciously clever nickname: 'The Cuisinier Killer'.

The Auror's office was still completely stumped. Officially, anyway.

After eavesdropping in on the details of the latest incident, Pansy's gut was telling her that her initial suspicion as to the identity of killer was dead-on, however, and that meant the name would have to be changed to the more gender-accurate version of Cuisinière.

Because the murderer was obviously a woman.

The lipstick mark she'd left on her dinner napkin this time around had been the dead giveaway.

What was also clear to her was that the killer was a Quidditch groupie, as she'd targeted the cream of that bachelor crop. Not that Pansy blamed the psycho hag-beast for wanting to off any of those hustlers, as they were a bunch of arrogant, narcissistic meatpies with egos the size of Ireland, but still, it seemed such a waste. She could think of at least a dozen different ways to make those men convulse that didn't involve hemotoxin.

Oh, and obviously, the killer had professional culinary training, most likely in France or with a French chef of some note, as evidenced by the quality of her béchamel. Pansy should know, having been raised with the finest chefs in Europe assigned to her mother's kitchen. No one in England could make a proper roux to save their lives…and apparently, all of the sauces prepared by the killer were to die for.

Literally.

Combined, those three suspicions quite nicely narrowed down the pool of potentials.

Now, all she had to do was get to that ex-git of hers to warn him that he could possibly be victim number twelve before the New Years was up! He had been, after all, seen in the papers in the company of Pansy's primary suspect…

Pansy sighed as she stared up at McLaggen's lion's head door-knocker, feeling that familiar sinking sensation in her belly.

Did she really have to do this?

There really was only one answer that counted this time, and she knew it: yes, she did have to face down Cormac McLaggen if she wanted to prove to Potter and the rest of M.L.E. that she had what it took to be an Auror, too.

Besides, this could be her chance for closure.

Two years ago, after a rather horrible fight between her and Cormac, her wounded pride had made her walk out, and for whatever reason, he'd let her go. Sheer stubbornness had kept her from running back to him in the interim, but in the secret vaults of her heart, she'd always wanted him to hunt her down and drag her kicking-and-screaming back into his arms, like a good, predictable Gryffindor was wont to do with his lady love.

Hell, Potter, Weasley, and even Longbottom had all quite publicly chased after their witches, after all…was it too much to ask McLaggen show her the same bold affection?

Now, though, it seemed as if she'd let too much time slip by, as he'd moved on. At least according to the Pink Column in the paper.

Perhaps it was time for her to do so as well.

Steeling her nerves, she raised her fist and knocked on the door, a Slytherin lie upon her tongue to explain away her presence upon his step.

"The game's afoot," she murmured under her breath, slipping her mask into place for the confrontation to come.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Author's Notes:

I love the possibilities that exist between Pansy and Cormac, and so was thrilled to get this assignment for this fest. Another fic I wrote about them ("Tempest" - can be read on my page here on FF . net) was tragic and sad, so this time I wanted to take a comedy route with them. I also wanted to give Pansy a strong female lead role in a fic again (my last attempts at this were "Push and Pull", a Charlie x Pansy story, "Be Mine", a Blaise x Pansy story, and "Eros & Psyche", where Pansy is paired with Ron - all can also be read on my page here on this site).

I truly enjoyed writing this piece, truth be told. It's one of my guilty pleasures to write a little female Slytherin snark every now and then, I'll admit. I hope you'll enjoy reading it!

Please review, if you would be so kind. Reviews make a fan-girl happy! :)

XOXO,

- RZZMG