I had a free lesson earlier and this was the result- procrastination at its finest!
Bernie's line about how no child should outlive their mother intrigued me last night, and I loved the bits with Bernie and Elinor together too. I'd have loved to have seen more of the scene with Bernie comforting Serena at Elinor's bedside, so I thought I'd do a one-shot around these few things. The title is a little misleading but it seems all my inspiration has now disappeared, so you're stuck with it I'm afraid!
Any reviews would be greatly appreciated, and sorry it's so long! -Sophie x
"Elinor Elizabeth Campbell…"
"Don't speak to me like a five year old…"
"Jason!"…
"She's making no respiratory effort..."
"No, no... Jason... Elinor..."
"Hey, Serena it's okay, it's alright- I'm here."
Serena opened her eyes with a start, adrenaline from the shock of being woken up shooting through her veins. A quick glance of her surroundings told her she was still in the hospital, the rhythmic beeping of a heart monitor and the smooth sounds of a ventilator informing her she was still where she had been for the last 24 hours; at the bedside of her beloved daughter.
The slightly dazed brunette brushed a stray hair from her cheek, finding her smooth skin damp and burning.
"I think you were having a nightmare." Bernie whispered, passing her a tissue. Serena took it gratefully, their fingers brushing gently together.
"How long was I, uh…"
"2 hours, give or take. Its half 9."
"Oh."
There was silence for a moment, both women unsure of what to say. Bernie cleared her throat.
"Um, why don't you, why don't you go home, for a proper sleep? I mean, you look exhausted."
"Thanks." Serena muttered, her eyes not leaving her daughter's unconscious face. She had never seen Elinor so relaxed, so peaceful… It took her back to the days when she was still young enough to be carried, swept up in Serena's arms when she fell asleep on the sofa watching the Tweenies. The woman would hold her close, breathing in her sweet, childish scent as they ascended to the girl's bedroom. Occasionally Ellie would snuffle into her chest, and it was at times like these that Serena would end up thinking about her career choice. Oh how she wished she could spend more time at home with her beautiful little girl.
"Serena?"
Bernie's voice interrupted her thoughts and she fought back a groan.
"I'm not leaving her alone Bernie." She snapped, making the other woman jump. Having not left her side since clocking off her shift 8 hours ago, Bernie was also tired but she tried not to let it get to her.
"She won't be alone. I'll stay."
Serena turned and looked her straight in the eye.
"What did I just- wait, what?"
"I said I'll stay with her. Even if you just have a nap and a shower you'll feel a lot better. I'll stay, you go." She replied simply.
It had been over a day since she was last at home. Jason was still a patient for the time being so she'd have the house to herself. A hot shower, fresh clothes and a soft bed…
"Okay fine, but I won't be more than a few hours." She said, getting up. Bernie did the same, standing awkwardly beside her chair as she tried to stifle a yawn.
"Take as long as you need. She's in safe hands, you know that."
Serena hesitated.
"Are you sure?" Her voice was a half whisper as she glanced to her daughter then back to Bernie. The blonde took a moment to reply, picking her words carefully.
"Ellie won't be alone because she has us, and you won't be alone because you have me and Jason and your friends on AAU. But we can't be there for you if you can't be there for yourself. Go home, and don't worry because we'll both be here when you get back."
Serena smiled before leaning in to hug her. Feeling Bernie's hands rub her back and breathing in her musky, familiar perfume, she felt comforted and reassured.
"Okay. See you soon." And with a final rub of the arm and glance at her daughter, Serena turned and left, past the nurses desk and around the corner onto the corridor.
Bernie settled back in her chair, flicking through her book with disinterest. The words kept moving about on the page, the paragraphs becoming dense bricks of black wiggly lines and eventually she put it down in defeat.
Instead she chose to look at Elinor whilst her mind wandered away. It had been a godawful couple of days and she was starting to feel the emotional toll. From wincing when Elinor shouted at Serena on the corridor outside AAU, to holding back the scream when she saw the young woman drive straight towards the person she loved, to seeing Jason on that operating table and not being able to look at his face in fear of her eyes welling up with tears. Now she was having to comfort her heartbroken girlfriend and reassure her that everything would be okay. But the odds were not in their favour and secretly they both knew it. If Elinor didn't make it...
"Good lord." Bernie groaned quietly, leaning against the bed and putting her head in her hands. She let her fingers run through her hair, untangling the knots that had accumulated over the previous hours before clenching her fists together and resting her head on them.
"She doesn't deserve this." Bernie whispered. "Serena deserves the world. She deserves happiness, comfort, peace, love... God how I wish I could give them to her. But instead she has a injured nephew and a daughter that could...could...never wake up."
Her voice broke with the last three words, and the tears she had been holding back were finally released. Hot, fast and full of despair, they flooded her cheeks and seeped into the dark fabric of her top.
She did nothing to stop them.
She cried for Jason, whom she was beginning to love like her own son, alone and full of bandages on the ward two floors above. She cried for Elinor, who with her entire future ahead of her, should not be laid attached to a ventilator in that tiny room on ITU. She cried for Serena; sweet, beautiful Serena, who had stolen her heart and in return given her a reason to smile everyday. But above all this, she cried for herself. Not because she was selfish, far from it.
She cried for her past and the child she had birthed, loved and lost, all in the same year.
"No mother," Bernie whispered with a shaky voice, "should ever have to outlive her child. Not me, but certainly not Serena."
It took her a while but the tears stopped eventually. When she was finally soothed, exhaustion took over and she yawned slightly, her head resting on her hands once more.
"She was my first baby. I fell pregnant in the first few weeks me and Marcus were together. The pregnancy itself was unplanned but perfect, it was such a happy time, we had no problems or worries for nine glorious months. But when she was born the doctors whisked her away. They didn't tell me why until a few days later- she had cancer, and it was advanced. They let us take her home, we dosed her up with meds so she didn't feel any pain and then waited for the inevitable. The waiting, oh lord, it was nothing short of torture. Marcus coped so well, always there for me but I was a mess... She died in her sleep and in my arms, on the paediatric ward of St James'. She fell asleep and...never woke up. Since then I've...I've never even been able to say her name. Charlotte and Cam know but they don't talk about her either. She was so beautiful, so perfect, but the cancer was too aggressive. She was in the world for 10 measly months, nowhere near long enough."
Bernie paused, glancing around to make sure she hadn't been overheard. Satisfied, she returned to her original position, eyelids now drooping.
"I loved that little girl with all my heart and soul." She murmured, "Now I love my family just as much in case the time comes where I have to loose them too. That includes your mother. You're incredibly lucky Ellie." Bernie said with a tired smile, her head feeling heavier with every passing second she looked at the still figure. "She's the most wonderful human being I've ever had the privilege to fall for. So if the worst should happen, I want you to know...that she'll always be looked after...with me."
She could feel her mind shutting down, too exhausted to do anything but sleep.
"I love her...beyond words...my...sweet...S'rena..." her voice quietened as she slipped into the land of sleep, body now draped over the side of the bed with her right hand gently resting over Elinor's left.
...
When she was sure Bernie was asleep, Serena crept away from the nurses desk and went to retrieve her coat that she had left behind. She hadn't meant to overhear any of what Bernie had said to her unconscious daughter, and she'd almost been caught out when she looked around, but Serena found herself grounded in the same spot until her girlfriend had stopped talking and fallen asleep. She had no idea about Bernie's lost child and she decided it was going to be kept that way. Well, as far as the blonde knew anyway.
If she wants me to know I'm sure she'll tell me, Serena thought as she gently eased her coat from beneath where Bernie sat and held it in her arms, the fabric still warm from her partner's body heat. She watched the two women she loved the most in the world as they lay together, and smiled.
How lucky she was to have such a wonderful family.
Glancing from her coat to Bernie, Serena took a deep breath and gently laid it across the sleeping figure, tucking a lock of her blonde curls behind her ear as she did so.
"I love you too, my beautiful Bernie." She whispered, kissing her forehead before straightening up and checking there was nothing else she had left behind. Satisfied, she stifled a yawn and turned to leave, ready to get some sleep herself. Before turning the corner she looked back one last time, saw all was well, then walked down the corridor to the lift.