Title: How long can a lie be told?
Pairings: Sheppard/Weir
Spoilers: The Return Part I
Disclaimer: Nope they don't belong to me. If they were mine this show would have been canceled a long time ago.
Author's Notes: It's something I wanted to write for a long time but I couldn't do it alone so Ladyvader co-wrote it with me.
So the flood gates open but nothing comes out
I'm feeling all belief in my head just doubt
– Missy Higgins The Wrong Girl
The tears streamed down her face, mixing with the rain. She let out a whimper. People just kept on passing her by. Not to be seen. Invisible. Walking down the almost empty streets seeking comfort in the tears that finally streamed down her face, as memories flashed through her mind.
"So this is how it's gonna be like now?! Elizabeth look me in the eye and tell me that you do not want to be with me."
"John, I… I just can't do this right now." How could he do this to her? Leaving the articulate Dr. Weir speechless like a nervous school girl.
"No. No. Listen to me." He stressed, the words forcefully stumbling from his mouth.
"We're not in Pegasus anymore."
She nodded. Right. As if she wouldn't have noticed. Her whole world fell apart after leaving that city.
"There are no rules and regulations holding us back. There's nothing. That's why…that's why, I cannot understand this, Elizabeth."
She sighed, "John, it's not about that. Any of it. You know that. It has never been about breaking the rules. I just can't do this. I can't be stuck here waiting for you. Never knowing if you will come back from the next mission alive or if that was the mission where your luck finally ran out"
"Okay, okay, so what are you saying here? What are you telling me? Are you telling me that the last night on Atlantis meant nothing to you? That it was just – it was just mindless sex?! Is that what it's been like for you? Playing with me, until I finally give you what you wanted and now you're done with me?!"
She could tell he was angry, hurt even. His eyes penetrated through the walls she build around her heart. His intense stare was worse than his accusations that tore through her heart like a sharp blade.
"Stop it. Please don't be like this. Don't do this to me…." She protested with him, shaking her head, and closing her eyes to avoid crying in front of him. She would not break. At least not as long as he kept staring at her.
The rain finally soaked though her clothes. She was shivering. Wrapping her arms around her belly, she whispered a solemn promise to the small being growing inside, "I will protect you," as a stray tear ran down her cheek.
---
John Sheppard strained his head to hear through the noise of people, a woman was speaking, and although she was out of his line of vision at the moment, it was the voice of a woman that sounded very familiar to him. No, it couldn't be her talking to the ambassador, that can't be her voice he recognized over the crowd. Could it? He questioned himself.
But…than again he had heard she was working for the UN again. And as impossible as it seemed to him for her to be here of all places, right in front of him, as he made his way past the hoards of people, and his eyes finally settled on the woman speaking, he realized that it was her. He just didn't expect to see her again. Even though he must admit that a part of him wanted it so badly to be her.
It has been almost 8 years since that fateful rainy night when she ran away from him. Well, more like pulled away from him, left him, ran out on him. However you wanted to say it. It still didn't change the fact that she had left him heartbroken, fending for himself to put the pieces of his broken heart back together.
But he wasn't the kind of man to mope around, to even show his pain. He was too strong and proud for that. Instead, he attempted to reach out to her again since that night. He left dozens of messages on her phone until a stale sterile computer voice told him the number he dialed was no longer in service. He went by her house just to find her apartment empty like she had never even lived there. Nobody knew where she'd gone. They told him she just up and left one day, it was very sudden, very abrupt, no one had suspected she was leaving. She just left.
Just like she had him.
She left no forwarding address, no phone number. Nothing. No way for any one to reach her. No way for that life to reach her. It's like…she wanted to start over, wanting no one to trace her back to the life she had once had. A life that, at one point, had included him.
That didn't stop him though. He searched her for a little over a year until he finally resigned to the thought never to see her again. Still clinging to the memory of their last night in Atlantis. This is how he wanted to remember her: Dr. Elizabeth Weir, leader of the Atlantis expedition, the strong, beautiful woman lying in his bare arms, not the vulnerable girl who left him one night, as he was stuck to clinging to 'what ifs' in the cold, pouring rain.
But now…now here she was. Standing there right in front of him. He couldn't believe this wasn't a dream. Her hair was a bit longer than he remembered, ending in curls around her shoulders. She was wearing a stunning red dress. Attracting most of the attention from the men in the room but being completely oblivious to the effect she had.
Questions ran through his mind: Should he try to talk to her? Would she even look him in the eye? Judging by their last conversation, she made it quite clear she didn't to talk to him again. He had thought about what he would say to her if he ever saw her again, if they were to ever meet up awkwardly, in a situation similar to this one. But right now he couldn't remember any of it. Ironic, right?
He quickly broke out of his fears and doubts as he noticed she had finished talking and was now leaving the room. He knew; this was it. He had to act now or never. This was the moment he had been dreaming of for years and had given up hope on it ever becoming true.
"Elizabeth?"
She heard her name and stopped dead in her tracks at the sound of the voice that called out to her. It can't be…that can't be him. God, it couldn't be him. She had tried so hard to move on. And it seemed to anyone who knew her now, that she had. But the fact was that she was still trying to forget him, but she knew that it would be impossible.
She was reminded of it everytime she looked at her daughter, their daughter, and saw his face, she couldn't push him away. Her little girl was already so very much like her father. It almost seemed like, every little piece of her daughter screamed out her father's name to Elizabeth, time and time again, as if challenging her to forget it.
She had given up on that long ago, and came to the conclusion that as long as she had her daughter, she would never forget him.
Slowly she spun around to face the man who was always haunting her.
"John…hi…I, I didn't expect to see you here…" 'I would have never came,' she added in her mind. She cringed at the sound of her own voice and how it must have played out to him. Good job, Elizabeth! She scolded herself mentally, 'Get some grip and stop stuttering!' God, why did he always do that to her? Render her speechless? He was the only one that had that capability over her.
John nodded, unfazed at the sound of her voice, at her hesitance.
"Well, I'm just as surprised to see you here, as you are. If I recall correctly, you pretty much dropped off the face of the earth after leaving the city. For awhile there I had been trying to track you down, but I couldn't find you, obviously, since I'm sure that was your plan all along. I finally gave up. It figures though – just when I give up, I find you here." As the words sprang free from his lips he realized that his voice sounded more bitter and hurt than he had intended.
At the look on her face, he immediately regretted not speaking more cautiously.
"I'm sorry." She said with a small voice.
He scoffed, "You're sorry? After everything that we've been through, is that all that you have to say to me?! You're sorry?!" He spat out the word, his feelings of anger and bitterness towards her getting the best of him, and this time he didn't regret that they shone through his words.
In this moment, he wanted to hurt her. He wanted his words to sting her, to pierce through her heart with so much force that the pain brought her to her knees. He wanted her to hurt like she had hurt him.
Elizabeth looked around wearily, his voice had escalated as he spoke, and she feared that someone would overhear and make a spectacle of them. "John, please…don't do this here." She begged him quietly, hoping that if she lowered her voice, he would do the same.
"Oh, right, I forgot. Dr. Weir is back and we all know that she wouldn't let anyone get close to her. God forbid even speak to her. No matter what it is that we both once shared."
Elizabeth shook her head, catching on to this sarcasm, to his spitefulness. She knew he was angry at her, and she understood. But they didn't need to do this now. If it was up to her – they never had to do this.
"I can't – I can't get into this with you here. I'm sorry, but I have to go."
She attempted to leave, but years of training had made John quick, his reflexes rivaled even those of the best. He grabbed her arm, an action that instantly pulled her back.
"John, don't! Let go of me." She whispered fiercely. She stared coldly at him until her eyes pierced into his own. "Please." Her voice was firm and unwavering, yet her eyes bore sense of silent pleading. After a moment, he loosened his grip, allowing her to pull her arm free.
"Thank you." She muttered, back turned to him.
"Don't you think you owe me an explanation?" Was all he said.
She shook her head, not agreeing with him. "John," She sighed, "I can't. Okay? I just…can't."
With that she walked away from him for a second time, leaving him standing alone in a room full of people oblivious to what had just happened, a thousand questions running through his head.
She's back? It still all seemed so surreal to him. He wanted to follow her, but when he was able to move again, she was already gone. Vanished.
---
It was his last day in Washington D.C. before he would go back to Cheyenne Mountain. Back to Stargate Command to save the world from yet another disaster. Back to his normal life (if you could even call it that) and back everything as he knew it, a life that, for the past several years, he had grown accustomed to no longer having Elizabeth included in it.
Although a part of him had never wanted that, had never wanted a life that didn't include her, but he had forced himself to get past that, and to just move on, as she obviously had by leaving him and never looking back. But now that she was…back, or at least, now that they had found each other again, it wasn't so easy for him to just up and leave and go and resume his normal duties with his normal-life-that-no-longer-included-her.
But this was Washington D.C., and it was his last day here, the chances of running into her again….it was…slim to none. He knew that it would be easy to track her down now that he had somewhat of an idea where she was. She was working, again, obviously, it wouldn't be that hard to get her address, or at least a phone number. But, the fact was, that would take up more time than he had to spare here.
As it was, he was spending his last day walking through the park, browsing past the tourists who came from all over the world to visit the USA's capital city, and were now taking a break reading back their tourist brochures and taking pictures, a majority of them speaking in languages that he had never heard before. It wasn't about seeing the sights for him though; he had seen it all before. That's not what interested him this time around. But after the day he had had yesterday, he thought it would do him some good to take a walk in the fresh air, and try and sort his jumbled thoughts out. His mind was a mess of questions and doubts and fear and confusion.
Just as he was seriously debating forgetting about running into her again, forgetting about how his breath caught in his throat at the image of her slimmed down in that red dress, how her wavy dark curls bounced with every step she took, how even as angry as he had been at her, when he grabbed her arm and touched her skin, a spark had ignited through him like wildfire coursing through his veins, his connection to her stronger than ever, just as he was ready to forget about all of it, and wipe it from his memory – he saw something. More like…felt something. He could feel her, he could feel her presence close by, it was the connection that he had with her.
It was fate, that he would keep meeting her like this. it had to be. Perhaps fate was trying to tell him something.
Peering through the crowds of people, that's when he spotted her. An unmistakable tall brunette, wearing her signature red shirt. He smiled within himself. It's good to see that some things never change no matter what happens. That's when he noticed something else about her, and this was something unfamiliar to him; she was with another man. Joking. Laughing. A prang of jealously tore through his heart at the happy scene before him.
"Mommy, mommy, come on! I wanna show you something."
At the sound of a little girl's voice, John tore his focus away from Elizabeth and her unnamed man, to see a little girl running towards her. Elizabeth twirled on her heels to catch the little girl's hands in her own.
"Okay, I'm coming…I'm coming." He heard her respond, her voice full of laughter.
Mommy? She was a mother? It hit him like another blow. How old might her little girl be, five, six years maybe? Elizabeth certainly didn't waste time after she left him. Surprising himself he called out her name once again.
"Elizabeth!"
Letting go of her daughter's hand, she stopped, and turned around at the sound of her name, even though every fiber of her body screamed not to. It was him and she didn't want to face him. She didn't think she had the strength.
"John." She tried to stay calm, to keep firm, but her voice slightly cracked, betraying her weakness. She hoped he hadn't noticed.
Aware of the little girl's presence behind Elizabeth's back, John was sure to keep his voice as much in check as he possibly could.
"So…this is why you left me?" He questioned her fiercely. He gestured towards the man standing at Elizabeth's side. "To run away with him? Have a kid, start a family, and this is what you couldn't tell me at the party?" His voice was harsh, and his tone angry, but as much as he would have liked to, he didn't scream at her. He glared at her while clenching his jaw, biting back more angry words that threatened to roll off his tongue.
She could tell by his tight posture, that he was trying really hard not to do something that he would regret later. But she understood his anger, she understood that it mostly brimmed from his hurt. From the pain that she had caused him.
"John, please calm down." She pleaded with him, sheltering her daughter with one arm behind her back. "I understand your anger, I do, and I deserve everything that you want to say to me, but you don't understand, I just want you to listen to me. I…"
"Listen to you?!" He spat the words back at her. "No, no, I'm through listening to you! I'm through with all of your lies and half-truths. I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm sick and tired of this game. I'm tired of questioning you and not getting any answers. I'm done with this. I'm done with you. I'm done with everything."
"John…" she pleaded with him, as he made a motion to leave.
"No." He cut her off. "Elizabeth, I'm done." He repeated for her benefit. "I can see why you left me, why you've been lying to me, I see now what it is that you've tried so hard to keep from me," He looked from the man at Elizabeth's side, down to her daughter at her feet, "Your family. And I don't…" He shook his head, "I don't want to have anything to do with you ever again."
At that he turned and started to walk away, reserved to admit his defeat, he didn't even try to hide what he was feeling from Elizabeth. He wanted her to know how badly she had hurt him.
"Mommy, who's that?" Her little girl asked her.
Again, at the sound of the little girl's voice, John turned around, curious to hear how Elizabeth explained him to her daughter.
Elizabeth met John's eyes briefly, relieved to see that he had stopped. She crouched down to her daughter's level, "It's nothing for you to worry about, just an old friend of Mommy's."
John smirked. So now he was just 'a friend'? Of course.
"Sweetie," She continued, "Why don't you go ahead with Uncle Brian and get some ice cream." At this she looked to the man who had been quietly standing at her side. He nodded in silent agreement. "I'll be right behind you. I just need to talk to my friend John for a minute, okay?"
"Ice-cream?" The little girl's eyes lit up as Elizabeth nodded, "Mm-hm."
"Yummy!" She bounced excitedly and grasped her Uncle Brian's hand, as Elizabeth stood up. She watched and waited and as soon as they were out of hearing distance Elizabeth turned to John.
"'Uncle Brian'?" He repeated with a frown. "It seems the more I learn about you, Elizabeth, the more confused I become." He stated.
Elizabeth shrugged. "It's nothing. Brian's just a friend."
"A friend like I am?" He asked her harshly. He didn't believe her. He couldn't believe her anymore. In the end, it had just come back to hurt him.
Elizabeth cringed at his words. Right. What she had told her daughter. Well, she deserved that too.
"You know," he continued, "There was a time long ago when we could be honest with each other. I don't understand what happened." He said, shaking his head. No longer feeling the need to stay, he turned to leave.
Elizabeth could only watch him go, feeling helpless to do anything about it. No…she couldn't let it end like this. Not again. He deserved to know the truth. The whole truth. Not the truth that he had assumed in his head.
"John, wait! Wait!" She called after him. He abruptly stopped at the sound of his name, but he didn't turn around. She took the moment to catch up to him.
"John, please listen to me. I wanted to tell you, believe me I did…" She started.
He spun around forcefully, almost knocking into her, she stepped back at their closeness, wanting to keep some distance between them. As she had for the past eight years.
He shrugged his shoulders, brushing it off. "No, there was no reason to. It was your business, right? I didn't involve me. Why the hell would you tell me?"
The sarcasm was evident in his tone, and his voice escalated as he continued on, "I mean you – you left me for this…this other man," he spat the word out, as if it disgusted him to even say it, "And you started a family with him. Why – why would that concern me? Why would I care about that? It's none of my business. You were right to leave me out of it."
She could tell by his words that she had hurt him by not telling him that she had moved on from him. Even though he said otherwise, she knew that he did want to know. And it pained him to see that she had this whole new life. One that didn't include him.
"No, John, that's where you're wrong. It is your business. That's why I should've told you."
His face contorted in a confused frown, and his posture loosened as he questioned, "Told me what? What do you mean, Elizabeth?"
"Do you – do you remember the last night we spent together?" She asked him.
John nodded along to her words. "Yeah, of course I remember it. I remember how good it felt when we connected that night on Atlantis. How right that moment felt. Than I remember how we shouted at each other for hours as cold rain ran down my body, I remember you were crying, and I didn't understand. You left me that night. You walked away and I never saw you again. I'll never forget it."
The pain was evident in his voice, but Elizabeth couldn't let herself feel his pain, otherwise she was afraid she'd break. And she couldn't risk that.
"And you still don't know why I left you?"
John shook his head. "No."
"I didn't leave you, John. I let you go."
"You let me go?" He repeated, further confusion etched in his voice "Elizabeth, just tell me what's going on. What are you not telling me?"
"Something I should've told you that night. But I didn't. I was afraid. I was afraid that if you knew, it would change everything. And I didn't want to be the one responsible for changing your life. I knew what we could become. And I wanted it, I did. But I couldn't…I couldn't bear being the one responsible. Thinking that I would lose you. It's the nature of our jobs, John, it's dangerous what we do. Especially you. And I knew that this would be the last thing that you wanted. You're not the settling down type, John. I know that. And I couldn't bear the thought of you not coming home, especially with…with our baby to consider now. I didn't want to be the one to force you to make that choice."
John's expression changed from one of confusion to shock. Eyes widening, his voice was hoarse, and he choked the word out, the sound of it foreign on his tongue. "Ba-baby?"
"I'm so sorry, John. I should've told you sooner. This is all just such a mess. I don't…I don't even know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling…everything's so messed up. I can't believe...I can't believe I let it go on for this long." She sighed, bringing a hand to her forehead. Her emotions were all over the placed, mixed. In one breath she felt relief telling him all of this, in the next, she felt so upset that she had caused all of it in the first place.
"Wait…you mean…you mean that little girl-" He gestured towards the ice cream stand where the little girl was happily eating an ice cream cone with the same man that John had earlier suspected of being her father.
Elizabeth had her eyes tightly shut as John spoke, but that still couldn't keep a stray tear from escaping to run down her cheek. "Yes." She sniffled, wiping at her face, regaining her composure.
"That little girl is ours, John. Yours and mine. I haven't been with anyone else since that night. I didn't and I don't want to be with anyone else. You're the only one."
John looked from Elizabeth and back to the little girl, still in shock. "That little girl is my daughter." This time, he didn't ask it as a question.
She watched him as his eyes just watched their little girl, fascinated with this new information about her. He finally broke his gaze away from her long enough to speak to Elizabeth.
"I-I don't know what to say."
Elizabeth shrugged. "You don't have to say anything."
She knew him well enough to know what he was thinking, even after all these years. She knew him better than anyone. She stood in silence as she watched him watching their little girl. His focus completely fascinated.
"She has your eyes, you know." Elizabeth said finally, forcing him to break out of his trance.
"What?" He asked, missing what she had said.
"She has your face. Her eyes, lips, her mouth is definitely yours." She chuckled at the light-hearted moment. "It's funny, I'm actually relieved that I've told you. You have no idea how hard it has been for me to keep this inside. Everytime I look at her – every time – I see you. She's all you, John."
At that mention, John couldn't help but smile a bit. But she could tell he was still reeling from the shock of this revelation.
"Mommy, Mommy…" the voice broke her out of her reverie to the little girl bouncing excitedly towards them, tugging at Elizabeth's sleeve as she reached her. Her face might have been all him alright, but John noticed that she had Elizabeth's hair.
Elizabeth crouched down on her daughter's level to meet her, as the little girl babbled on excitedly about finishing her ice cream.
John couldn't tear his eyes away from their exchange. He couldn't believe it. This was HIS daughter? She certainly was a beautiful little girl, he'd give Elizabeth most of the credit for that. God knows how beautiful she is.
Elizabeth looked up to see John intent on admiring their little girl. He was meeting his daughter for the first time since learning the truth about her. She wondered what he was thinking, what thoughts could possibly be going through his head at this very moment.
Neither of them said anything. What could they say? There were no words for this kind of thing.
Sensing her looking at him, John shifted his gaze and met his eyes with hers, intensity reflected back in them. No words were exchanged between them, they didn't need that. Their eyes spoke volumes about what they were both feeling at this very moment.
She's their little girl. And maybe, one day, they'll be a family.