Dear Edie

I'm sorry that I haven't been in touch for so long. As you'll see from the postmark, so much has happened since I last wrote to you.

Let me start at the beginning and, yes, it does involve a man. Our eyes didn't meet across a crowded room, but they did meet across a crowded hallway. It all happened so fast - the accident I mean, not the connection. One minute I was just coming out of my flat, the next someone above me on the stairs yelled something, another man hurled me back into my flat, and then there was one hell of a bang. It wasn't just my head hitting the door, but an explosion. Everything seemed to happen at once. It turned out that someone was about to kill another someone and I was in the crossfire. The third man pushed me out of the way just in time. I never did see the gunman but I did, later, meet the guy who killed him - a Mr Bodie. The man who shoved me came back a little while later to see how I was. Although I was still upset, I thought it was nice of him to be concerned - until he started ordering me about that is. The brass cheek of the man; and he helped himself to my whisky too. Told me - no, ordered me - to join him in a glass. Said I could get all shaky and weepy. Sexist! When my shock and anger had faded a little, I got a better look at him. He looked ok actually. Asked me my name before he left - for his report he said. Admitted that he was CI5 - yes, I thought that would get you sitting up and taking notice. He wasn't half bad looking either. I could do worse, I thought. Then I chided myself for hankering after a mercenary. That's what those CI5 types are, aren't they? Kill for money. He confessed himself that he wasn't press-ganged into joining. Kids with guns, that's what they are - with the brains and egos to match.

Anyway, he did contact me again, the very same day in fact. He looked rather shaken up actually and wanted company. A friend of his had died, Benny, and he was genuinely upset about it. You don't often get blokes showing their feelings like that. He said getting emotional was pretty stupid in his profession, but I liked his honesty. Whether this Benny was connected with the gunman that morning I don't know. Ray was always cagey about his job. Ok, I got the name out of him - Ray, Ray Doyle - and he was good company despite his cockiness. We went on to a shady club after dinner at his place and had more of a good time than either of us had expected. He's really a good laugh once you get to know him. And I did - get to know him I mean. Talk about 'Brief Encounter'. I think the speed of our falling in love was something of a world record. We'd only been dating for a week and - at least on my part - Ray was 'the one'. We talked and talked and talked and, yes, we 'did it' - eventually. He was bloody good at that too - but I won't go into detail; a girl has to have some secrets!

As week one turned to week two, I saw another side to him. He has two sides to the middle. I know I'm not making sense, so how can I put it? Although he was with me physically (and how!) and he was a good listener, you could tell that his mind was always elsewhere. His job called him away as often as not and whatever his job was, he was thinking about it all the time. To be fair he did warn me that he was never off duty, but until you feel what it's like to be pushed aside time and again you can't really know. Once, we were at a club and Ray dragged this guy off the dance floor because he thought this bloke was someone they'd been looking for - and I was in the middle of telling Ray what I thought was a riveting and funny story, too. I tell you, I was not amused! He had a bit of ground to make up after that, for sure.

Then, another nail in the coffin of our romance. He was trying to get me interested in cooking - yes, I'll pause while you laugh at that - and sent me off for the ingredients. You know what a feather-brain I am. I'd forgotten my purse and when I went back for it, I caught Ray rifling through my private letters. I was furious. How much did he trust me? Clearly, not at all. After that I began to think of him a bit more objectively. I can't say the scales dropped from my eyes, but did I want to spend the rest of my life with a man who didn't trust me, who would be called away at the drop of a hat, and to be permanently on call, to be constantly thinking at the back of his mind of his cases and clients? I just didn't know. If I took him on, I'd have to take on his job, his mate (this Bodie bloke), and his God knows what. He said he needed me, but was that enough? There was certainly a mass of things I didn't know about him, and even less did I know (or want to know) about his job. I'd just have part of him. Could I compromise and go for the less? To add to my confusion, I got a letter out of the blue from head office to say that I'd been headhunted for this job in New York. It would be promotion and certainly a feather in my cap. I was flattered; I won't deny it. Was it a shove from Fate to take the job and dump Ray, or just really bad timing? The offer was certainly one up on the snooty Mary who thought she was the cat's pyjamas. It was me that New York wanted, not her. But where would Ray fit into all this? And did I want him to?

I arranged to meet him in the park - it seemed to be our favourite meeting place - and we watched the ducks for a bit while I plucked up the courage to tell him about my possible promotion. I emphasised that I hadn't made my mind up about it. What I meant was, I hadn't made my mind up about him; about us. He's very sharp and knew exactly what I meant. He asked me if that was what I wanted. I confessed that I wasn't sure. I wanted him to talk me out of it, to offer me an alternative future with both of us in it. Then, inevitably, he was called away. Bodie couldn't even leave him alone for this one important, life-changing, conversation. I tried to be generous and told myself not to shoot the messenger. It wasn't Bodie's fault that the world was falling apart because Ray Doyle had taken his eye off the ball for five seconds. Ray, of course, trotted off to save the world again, and I was left alone on the bridge looking at the ducks. He said we'd talk properly that evening, but so much has happened since then.

I was angry. I can't say that I wasn't. I wanted a commitment from Ray; I wanted to come first for once, rather than a poor second to CI5. I wanted him to want me, not his job. I wanted … oh, I don't know what I wanted - I wanted him to be different somehow. Ok, if you want honesty, how can Ray be the man I want when I don't know myself? Anyway, I cooled my heels and fanned my temper. By evening I'd come to a decision. To hell with Ray, and hello to America and promotion. I phoned Ray at his flat to tell him. I wanted him to know as soon as possible, and I know it was cowardice not to talk face to face but I didn't want to see those bottomless green eyes or the pain in his face. I thought we could have dinner some time later and talk it through properly. Anyway, he wasn't there (surprise, surprise) but I knew where he'd be - back in that bloody office, probably with his mate Bodie. Perhaps they should get married and leave us girls alone.

Since courage had taken me by the hand, and anger had got me round the throat, I set off for HQ to beard him in his lair. No-one stopped me as I walked inside the building. I thought there'd be at least a receptionist. I wandered round for a bit and then I thought I heard my father's voice. It was like a physical blow. As you know, I haven't seen him in years. My complex relationship with my father hasn't been great since mother died, and even before that. I couldn't understand why dad should be at CI5 HQ though. I couldn't see him as one of CI5's agents. Then I heard Ray's voice, an angry voice, asking him how I was involved. Involved in what, I've no idea but he seemed to be accusing me of something, and my father denying it. You'd think, in view of everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks, it would have been the other way round. I stood trembling outside the door, listening to the conversation. Every word Ray shouted was like a nail in my heart. I tried to stop myself from crying, then this bloke challenged me in the corridor, and wanted to know what I was doing there. I couldn't tell him, I was too choked up for one thing. My legs ran away with me before my mind caught up. I didn't want Ray to find me eavesdropping. This man made a grab at me, but I managed to slip away from him, then I heard Ray yelling after me. I needed to get away from him, too - well away - America, say.

However, he caught up with me outside. Our intended long evening heart to heart over dinner suddenly condensed instead to a short row in a private car park. Ray tried, but not very hard, to persuade me to stay. He couldn't deny that he had me checked out like a common criminal, while at the same time trying convince me that he never believed I was involved - involved in what was irrelevant now. It was all a mess, a terrible mess. I tried to be mature and tell him that we could never work as a couple, rather than just telling him to go to hell. He looked devastated. I really believed then that he wanted us to work, and I think he would have moved heaven and earth to bend us both into some kind of cohesive whole but it - we - were a lost cause. I said my piece and he didn't interrupt. He just stood there looking shattered. I wanted nothing more than just to take him in my arms again but I had to be strong for both of us. It was best in the long run. I wasn't sure that I was in a fit state to drive, but I wanted to put a distance between us. I drove down the road a bit but was too upset to drive safely any further so I parked up out of Ray's sight, and that was enough for the moment. Then I saw him in my rear-view mirror. He was just standing on the pavement hugging himself. He looked as though he were in physical pain. He seemed so lost that I nearly got out to comfort him. Then Bodie came and tried to give him the hug that I couldn't, but he just pushed him away angrily. A few words were exchanged which, of course, I couldn't hear, then Ray seemed to sense that he'd gone too far and it was his turn to comfort Bodie; to say sorry. That was the gentle side of him that I loved him for and would have taken from him. I saw the pair of them, Ray's arm across Bodie's broad shoulders. There was no space between them; no space for me to fit into.

And that was the last I saw of him. I knew he'd be all right. He has Bodie and CI5 and all that it means to him. And me? Well I have Uncle Sam and my job to keep me warm at nights and that has to be enough for now.

Write soon. All my love for always,

Ann