A/N: This oneshot was inspired by season 9. I know that many dont trust Ezekiel and I dont know. This is my attempt to understand him. I want to believe him.

I apologize for factual or grammatical errors/ Im working on passion and memory here :-D

SPOILERS ahead

I have lived a thousand years by human count. I have walked around among them for centuries and spoke with them, but I was always apart. I had a mission, a purpose, a duty and that colored my perspective and blinded me at times. I was always the good soldier willing to die for my cause. Now I no longer know what that cause is, so I have to rely on the lessons I unwittingly learned from the beings I always pitied for their doubt.

When the cracks in heaven began to show with the fall of Micheal, I chose to trust in what humans call intuition and throw my lot in with an angel that had the best of intentions. I now know why they say those are the paving stones of hell. Even as I mourned those that fell in that war of good intentions, I didn't lose my faith. I still believed in the good intentions and the cause even as it fell further in disfavor.

I am not proud of my role during Naomi's reign as I remained alive by being a good soldier for a cause I feared to look too closely at. But it's important to note that being a good soldier is all I have ever known; Even in my sojourns among humans it was always at the behest of duty, a soldier behind enemy lines..

When we fell it felt like the redemption that humans revere; a redemption of brimstone and fire. There is something to be said for the cleansing only pain can bring. I have heard the gospel of forgiveness that many believe, but an easy won forgiveness never sat easily with me. I guess it's only fitting that I came to reside in one Samuel Winchester, who like me believed redemption and forgiveness means pain and sacrifice. Unlike me he chose his path to redemption while I like a coward had to have it thrust on me by the wholesale retribution of a forsaken angel. Part of me was happy that Metatron succeeded because for the first time I could not just be a good soldier obeying his superior, I had to be something more independent and thus face the consequences of my actions.

I can no longer be the good soldier or rather I must be more. As I hit the earth among the carnage of my burnt wings, I made a choice. I once again chose the angel with the best intentions, but this time I did not choose to follow blindly. So I answered the call of Dean Winchester. My brethren besides maybe Castel will never understand why I choose to risk so much to heal one who would see us banished as easily as the demons. Part of it was rebellion against the passivity I had embraced for years, but a part was because of the Winchesters themselves. It was in the desperation and selfish selflessness in Dean's plea and in Sam's complete embodiment of redemption. I mean the boy with the demon blood shutting the gates of hell; even angels can find the poetry. That he never completed the trials not out of fear but love just adds to the legend and the appeal. There was something in these brothers that drew me in; they also had faith, but not the blind faith of a soldier, rather a faith in doing what's right and in each other despite the flaws and failings. I wanted their faith that did not blind but empowered.

So I chose the once vessel of Lucifer himself for myself. Maybe a part of me was hoping his rebellion would empower me to throw off the mantle of soldier like he once did. I would save Sam and I hoped that by doing so Sam might save me.

I saw how Dean looked every time I surfaced. The flinch and the guilt were plain to see. I was the manifestation of the selfishness of Dean's love. Sam had forgotten the promise he had made death give him, but Dean remembered. I knew I could tell him that Sam wasn't lying when he said he was happy, but I found out quickly that Dean wouldn't or couldn't believe me. It baffled me when I realized that Dean's guilt was greater than Sam's happiness. The end does not justify the means it seems for Winchesters when it came to each other.

They carry the guilt for all their sins against each other and the world on their souls, but did it all with the best of intentions. It was plain to see from my vantage point in Sam that they did everything for love, love of each other and even more surprising love of humanity. Yet they both considered themselves damned and their own road well-paved; they can forgive the other but never themselves. I wanted to find redemption in the Winchesters, but discovered guilt instead and the price of independence.

It was the first fracture in the blind faith I kept clinging to. If the ends don't justify the means, then it became harder to forgive the best intentions of a well meaning angel when the means destroyed so many. Still I believed in Castiel with the remnants of the faith of an angel so when Dean asked to find him I helped. I wanted to be useful, by being useful maybe I could find that redemption that I needed and that place in the world I desired.

When we found Castiel dying and Dean looked at his brother lost; I saw the guilt rise in Dean and I felt compelled to lessen it. So I healed my former commander and former cause, but even as I did I had my doubts about my faith in him. He was weak without his grace and again with the best of intentions had damned himself putting us all in the cross hairs

The once favored son of an absent father now seemed a cursed one. I stayed silent as we brought Castiel back to the bunker because the brothers had also showed me compassion in their faith, but I knew that I could not be a good soldier anymore. I could not hide myself from Castiel and even trying to would put us all in danger. I no longer trusted him to make the right choice not because I think he became less well-intentioned but rather I had learned how little good intentions matter. He would be a beacon to those who would hunt us all and in his graceless state he could not even defend himself.

So I made Dean an ultimatum he couldn't refuse; one that Sam himself would never even consider. I may have been a good soldier but I also knew the value of practicality and with the veil of blind faith lifting, I relied on the survival instincts I had long suppressed.

When Castiel left and Dean's guilt grew I felt that burden; it was one more sin to atone for, but I had to be selfish for us all. I couldn't risk the best intentions putting us all in danger. Humans say once burned twice shy and I have begun to understand as I do not find myself willing to risk myself and the Winchesters again for a cause that has caused such devastation and collateral damage in the past. I still believe in Castiel, but I will not be ruled by faith alone again, not when the stakes are so high for us all.

I was paving my own road now and pray it only damns me.

Hope you enjoyed it and I know this will probably be rendered moot soon but here it is. I wanted it to be Ezekiel trying to be his own man rather than because of a distrust or dislike of Castiel.